DISCOVERING_VAL
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Trying To Overcome Anxiety

Tuesday, August 27, 2019




Current Weight: 340.2 lbs

Yesterday I did not walk as far as my brain thought I could. I was disappointed with myself and have really been stressing about so many things lately. Anxiety has dominated many of my thoughts and actions in the last several weeks. Each time I feel I am in a good place managing my anxiety it creeps into my head and thoughts like it's some old familiar friend....which it is not. It's a reminder to me how low I had sunk in 2018 that caused me to to gain 100 pounds. Those feelings are like bricks weighing me down in body, mind, and spirit. Each time I try to move forward they constantly remind me that they have always been in control and that I have brief moments of quiet without them.

I wish I was better at combating those feelings, but I am not. Unless you have lived thru anxiety you cannot understand what each day feels like. I feel like anxiety has stolen years of my life that I will never get back. I do not know how to take that power back from anxiety to make it my own again. I have read countless articles, tried meditation, cognitive behavior therapy each time anxiety presents in a physical symptom all those things I have learned take a backseat to me just getting thru that day.

I feel like a failure this year in terms of my life and weight loss at this point I feel I should of been at least at 30 pounds lost this year but that is not the case at all. I struggle each day with food choices and sometimes binge eating to avoid my feelings. Afterwards just feeling more and more like a bigger failure and not knowing how to change. I feel consumed at times with the thoughts of losing my mom to cancer and right now hospice has been called in to help with her care. It's a mine field of emotions tangled together with physical symptoms of anxiety that drive me to my old familiar friend of eating anything I want. Then getting on the scales and the reality of pounds gained staring me in the face again.

Someone told me the other day I needed to take my power back....I am really not sure how to at this point. In reverse when I was 39 my ex husband left me for a much much younger woman and while it is true it was one of the worst times of my life emotionally it was also the best in terms I became a rising Phoenix from out of the flames of strength. How I wish I could be that person again I would even put myself thru all that pain again just to be that strong person again. I became fearless and strong in all the ways I needed for myself....Now I feel like some watered down version. I have even asked myself if this anxiety is fueled by my fear of death. I know we all live and die and that is the cycle of life. I have spent time in prayer on this as well and actually it is thru anxiety I found myself renewing my faith in God and being thankful for all that he has brought into my life.

Even faith in God and this transition of learning his teachings and word bring me some comfort. But I also realize that I have much to learn in regards to faith. I consider myself on an exploration journey to learn more about faith and how my faith will connect everything together.

Maybe I am just looking for the missing part of my life that brings everything together that I have not found yet....I do not know.

The mornings have been very cool here and I have used that as an excuse not to walk in the mornings now. I kept telling myself I will do it later, or I would do one of my workout video's. Today I did absolutely nothing and I feel guilty about that. The only note worthy thing I did today was run into Wal-Mart and buy salad things for my lunch for the next week.

I have often felt that traveling in the weight loss journey was to travel alone, because whoever may be beside you in the beginning may not be in the end. People have different goals in their lives that will never always be your goals or similar to your goals. I suppose I have learned to enjoy my own company mostly but I do like the company of others at times too. One thing that gaining all this weight has made me is an introvert and I would of never called myself that before. It builds walls around you and have to remove them brick by brick.

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  • NEW_CATS_MEOW
    I'm sorry you struggle with anxiety. I deal with it, too, I understand what you mean about having so much time stolen. When I feel like I'm "failing", I remind myself that I've had to overcome hurdles that most people haven't experienced, and I've learned to cut myself slack. I'm also prone to isolating myself, which was part of the reason I came back to Sparkpeople. The supportive community here makes me feel better about going out into the world at large.

    As far as managing my anxiety, a combo of medical marijuana & CBD, qi gong and other calming exercises, and free-association journaling have made the biggest differences.
    147 days ago
  • BRENNAN_ARMACOS
    I also think that you got a bit of exercise at Wal-Mart. That store is huge! It would be hard not to get a workout there, walking around. emoticon

    While I haven't actually had panic attacks, I've had problems with high stress levels before. I was having headaches and stomach pain all the time. I know how devastating that can make you feel, how life altering. I feel for you, going through all this right now.

    When I have really bad nightmares, sometimes I am conscious enough in the dream to recite the Lord's Prayer. And it helps! It helps so much, that I also always recite it before I go to sleep. I feel like it helps prevent nightmares. I think there's something special about the Lord's Prayer. It might help you to recite it, either outloud or inside your mind, once a day.

    You might benefit from seeing your counselor more often. Some people like to do that when times are difficult. They'll see you at least once a week, usually.
    150 days ago
  • DISCOVERING_VAL
    @lilygrace4 thank you for those words. Sometimes when my anxiety is strongest I recite scripture in my head to combat my negativity to help me thru my hurdles but it's good to be reminded of his grace upon us in difficult times that he is with us
    150 days ago
  • no profile photo LILYGRACE4
    Hi Val. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I am keeping you close to my heart in fervent prayer. We know that our enemy/the devil/the creep/satan/imp is a liar and straight from the pits of hell. John 10:10 says: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; but! our Lord/Jesus Christ/Father/ Savior says: I come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (abundance, overflowing)
    Satan throws at you "anxiety", "disappointment", feelings of failure, feeling consumed and overwhelmed. He is a liar. Jesus gently offers you peace, encouragement, and love. Let's look at the truth. The truth is, YOU did walk. It may not have been the length you wanted...but you did walk and THAT is awesome. The enemy guilts you into thinking you didn't do enough. The Lord says my child, I give you enough for this day. You walked! You were created in the image of God Genesis 1:26 says: Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; and let them rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over the cattle and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth." I know you don't think God is a failure and you are not a failure because you are created in His image! Your exhusband sinned with someone who also sinned. That guilt and shame and filth is on them. You take back your power one day at a time and with one word at a time...JESUS. Every time you feel anything other than Christ's daughter and heir to the Kingdom of God, you simply say: "JESUS". It is that easy. You may not feel different at first, you may not notice a change at first but you just keep saying JESUS. Every time you have a thought, cut it off with the word...JESUS. Your ex didn't leave you because SHE was better than you. He left because the enemy of his soul pulled him in a sin that he couldn't get out of. Just because he doesn't know how to be faithfully committed and love you doesn't mean that YOU are not lovable. He just didn't know how to love you like you should be loved...for the beautiful, gracious daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. You need to know how precious you are! Your ex's inability does NOT define you. It's on him. Val, Jesus is all the parts of your life and any puzzle that doesn't seem to fit just right. No one can fill a void quite like Jesus! You are everything to Him. You are worth fighting for you. Exodus 14:14 says: The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." For negative thinking, I really recommend truth journaling. It's imperative you renew your mind. Renewing your mind transforms every part of you. Val, fight! The enemy can not stand where the name of Jesus is mentioned. Val, I'm fighting for you in prayer! Start challenging EVERY negative thought with the truth of God's word. Stay in prayer and remember, if you don't know what to say, just say JESUS. Love in Christ.
    150 days ago
  • DISCOVERING_VAL
    @SNUZYQ2 I spent 2 years seeing a psychiatrist who had me on 6 different meds that did not help and in the end I gained 100 lbs from one of the medications I woke up you could say when I hit 387 lbs and I could only see this going one way and I did not want to hit 400 lbs so I made the decision to stop taking all anxiety/depression meds to which I weened myself off all of them I did not abruptly take myself off them. It was hard yes...but for a couple of years I did manage my anxiety pretty well until my mom was given a terminal cancer diagnosis. I do continue to see a therapist to help me put things in perspective. I do not regret my decision to be off all my medications it has made me dig deep within myself. Managing anxiety is a ongoing process but I will not make the choice to be over medicated again. While I realize their are great health professionals out there.....who do not over medicate you it's a personal choice I have made for myself not to go down that avenue again.
    150 days ago
  • SNUZYQ2
    I'm so sorry you're having such a time of it. I've been there and am now much better. Sometimes, when people of faith get sick this way, they feel a deep sense of shame. It needn't be that way. There is nothing to be ashamed of here. We're all wired differently. Even people of faith are wired differently. My mind seems to be programmed negatively. I naturally afflict myself with lots of shaming and blaming, automatically - like a reflex or something...but guess what I found out? All that negativity comes from thoughts. I get to be in control of my thoughts! We can't think 2 thoughts in the same moment, right? Now, when I'm having a blame/shame thought that's getting me down or making me anxious, I exchange that negative thought for a positive one by singing an old church hymn - or by praying for someone else who's having a hard time - or by focusing on a word puzzle - or by playing scrabble - anything that distracts me away from the negative thought. It's a moment by moment thing so I'm always observing my thoughts and sensing the difference between positive and negative.

    Also, as a preventative against negative thinking, I made up my mind to become my very own best friend. Would you ever beat up or shame your good lifelong friend? I tell myself all the time that I'm doing the very best that I can...that I'm worthy to love and be loved by others. But even if I find they don't (another negative thought), I will still love myself. So...you see...I'm never really abandoned because I keep sticking up for myself. Would you comfort your best friend if he/she was sad and/or afraid? What kind words can you think of to tell yourself when you go into that survival mode you describe so well?

    I searched your blog for some sign that you're under a doctor's care for your depression/anxiety. If you've not yet hooked up with the professionals or it has been a long time since you've seen them, you might want to make a move in that direction. My anxiety/depression is greatly helped by my psychiatrist's prescribed medication and yes...I am a woman of faith. Things really can get better for you too. Never lose hope and never give up. With effort, you can and will get the upper hand through this. I promise. emoticon
    151 days ago
  • LOF7203
    I wish you well. Anxiety is very difficult to overcome, however, not impossible.
    151 days ago
  • KOALA_BEAR
    Sorry you are struggling. There are supplements that could help w/ anxiety & depression altho' a Dr can guide you as whats best for you, some combos are dangerous. Always some conflicts btwn moms & daughters, all mixed up. Good luck sorting it.
    151 days ago
  • ANHELIC
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    151 days ago
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