Trying To Overcome Anxiety
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Current Weight: 340.2 lbs
Yesterday I did not walk as far as my brain thought I could. I was disappointed with myself and have really been stressing about so many things lately. Anxiety has dominated many of my thoughts and actions in the last several weeks. Each time I feel I am in a good place managing my anxiety it creeps into my head and thoughts like it's some old familiar friend....which it is not. It's a reminder to me how low I had sunk in 2018 that caused me to to gain 100 pounds. Those feelings are like bricks weighing me down in body, mind, and spirit. Each time I try to move forward they constantly remind me that they have always been in control and that I have brief moments of quiet without them.
I wish I was better at combating those feelings, but I am not. Unless you have lived thru anxiety you cannot understand what each day feels like. I feel like anxiety has stolen years of my life that I will never get back. I do not know how to take that power back from anxiety to make it my own again. I have read countless articles, tried meditation, cognitive behavior therapy each time anxiety presents in a physical symptom all those things I have learned take a backseat to me just getting thru that day.
I feel like a failure this year in terms of my life and weight loss at this point I feel I should of been at least at 30 pounds lost this year but that is not the case at all. I struggle each day with food choices and sometimes binge eating to avoid my feelings. Afterwards just feeling more and more like a bigger failure and not knowing how to change. I feel consumed at times with the thoughts of losing my mom to cancer and right now hospice has been called in to help with her care. It's a mine field of emotions tangled together with physical symptoms of anxiety that drive me to my old familiar friend of eating anything I want. Then getting on the scales and the reality of pounds gained staring me in the face again.
Someone told me the other day I needed to take my power back....I am really not sure how to at this point. In reverse when I was 39 my ex husband left me for a much much younger woman and while it is true it was one of the worst times of my life emotionally it was also the best in terms I became a rising Phoenix from out of the flames of strength. How I wish I could be that person again I would even put myself thru all that pain again just to be that strong person again. I became fearless and strong in all the ways I needed for myself....Now I feel like some watered down version. I have even asked myself if this anxiety is fueled by my fear of death. I know we all live and die and that is the cycle of life. I have spent time in prayer on this as well and actually it is thru anxiety I found myself renewing my faith in God and being thankful for all that he has brought into my life.
Even faith in God and this transition of learning his teachings and word bring me some comfort. But I also realize that I have much to learn in regards to faith. I consider myself on an exploration journey to learn more about faith and how my faith will connect everything together.
Maybe I am just looking for the missing part of my life that brings everything together that I have not found yet....I do not know.
The mornings have been very cool here and I have used that as an excuse not to walk in the mornings now. I kept telling myself I will do it later, or I would do one of my workout video's. Today I did absolutely nothing and I feel guilty about that. The only note worthy thing I did today was run into Wal-Mart and buy salad things for my lunch for the next week.
I have often felt that traveling in the weight loss journey was to travel alone, because whoever may be beside you in the beginning may not be in the end. People have different goals in their lives that will never always be your goals or similar to your goals. I suppose I have learned to enjoy my own company mostly but I do like the company of others at times too. One thing that gaining all this weight has made me is an introvert and I would of never called myself that before. It builds walls around you and have to remove them brick by brick.