Current Weight 335.6 lbs
In the beginning of this month, I wanted to do something that would invoke change in my life in the parts of my life that I could control. This whole year has turned my life inside out and upside down. I had to accept that my mom will die from cancer and that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do is look at her when I visit her and know that I will have to let her go. As I write those words tears come to my eyes still because I see and feel her leaving as losing the last family that I have. Nobody in your life loves you or will ever love you or fight for you or take care of you like your mother and I had a conversation this week with someone and even though I was raised really hard...we were poor and my parents were very strict I would not change one moment of that for anything. Because it prepared me for my whole life and gave me morals I would live by my entire life. I am grateful that my parents loved us and wanted us and raised us as I know some families are not that lucky. I was lucky and I am forever grateful for that.
Recently I have been struggling with alot of guilt about my mom, where she is, my inability to take care of her as she needs. Maybe all children feel this way when their parents are in a nursing home situation with hospice and palliative care. Last week when I visited my mom I talked to her frankly and apologized for everything that had been weighing my heart down. Even though I do not know if she understood what I was telling her, I had to tell her again how sorry I was for not being a better daughter all of the time. My mother also has Alzheimer's and her perception changes daily of who she remembers, or what she understands. I just want to be able to fix things but I can't and that haunts me I suppose from trying to live a somewhat normal life knowing where she is and her being so far away that I can only visit once a week weighs so heavy on me.
I suppose to give a broader picture is that for the last 25 years of my life I have been my mom's surrogate mother while she has had Alzheimer's I have taken care of her and in doing so it probably was part of the ruin of my marriage as well but, I had a deep sense of family and in the end my ex-husband left me for a much much younger less complicated situation for himself. But I felt I had no choice as my siblings were off living their lives and I was here taking care of our parents. In some ways I feel I have not truly lived yet but I do not regret the choices I made.
Which leads me to the part of this story I can no longer fight for my mother and after many sleepless and tearful nights I realized that I have to fight for me now. That fight is for my health and my life and my future. While it's true I have lost 50 lbs already I feel no different that I did at 387 lbs things are still hard and I still struggle. My goal in this next week is to be able to do do 3,000 steps a day and I realize that is not a big deal to some people that I see posts of fitbit all the time of 10,000 - 20,000 steps BUT I have chronic knee arthritis and I am bone on bone according to the Orthopedic Dr. I see, so 3,000 is alot for me. It would be great to wake up one day and feel great and not tired and able to tackle the world like I want to. My head makes all kinds of plans that my body can never catch up with.
A few days ago I had some full body pictures taken in my backyard of what I look like now I was appalled when I looked on my Ipod Touch to see them....I had to really evaluate if I would ever share those or not. It made me question if I waited to late to change, if I was just another statistic that would be in that category of never quite making it. I see all the damaging things I have done to my body. The batwings that will not go away no matter how much weight lifting I may do, the wobbly bits under my chin or in my legs that look like cottage cheese. What happened to my youth? I know what happened I spent it working myself to death at a job that wouldn't even remember your name. I kept chasing $$$money in my youth and was blind to what I was doing to my body in the process. Eating take out all the time and not giving a second thought to how much weight I was putting on.
Now I feel old and tired and that nothing I do will change anything for the better. Last year when I started calorie deficit and working out...I was absolutely starving in those first few months. You eventually get used to that feeling of always being hungry and no amount of water I drank made that feel better. Eating is still a huge challenge for me even cooking everyday is hard to be on point 100% of the time. But you have to balance eating with activity and try not to binge on everything you want. This will be a lifelong struggle to keep the weight off. It's been really hard for me to keep that 50 lbs off and I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times I have lost track.
Maybe if I have learned anything from the situation I am in now with losing my mom is do NOT wait like I did. Make small changes, walk 5 minutes a day....just do something to start yourself off in the right direction and do it for you, your health and love yourself in the process. Learn to be your own best friend because more than likely a majority of your journey will be done alone. Motivation, determination, discipline, and consistency must come from within you. Find it, and build on it and take it minute by minute and day by day and change will occur.