Who am I beyond these muscles and fat?
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Who am I outside of this fat? I poised this question and I don't yet have the answer. I am nervous, excited, and embarrassed both that I have yet to cultivate that sense of self and that I don't know.
I am afraid.
Who am I if I am not the big girl? The 'big boned' light skinned chick. As far away as I have come to distance myself from my past when I think of being smaller I am fave to face with it. I feel vulnerable. I feel scared, like a sad little girl who can't protect herself. As an adult woman I am annoyed by this but that is the truth. I smile yet in those thoughts I feel pity. How dare I doubt my strength and simply equate it to girth aand ample stature? Logically I know these thoughts don't align with facts as there are plenty of little mma gals that can mop the floor with those much 'girthier' than they. But feels aren't always logical. :)
In and for growth, I acknowledge my uncomfortable feelings and let them flow out of me via each breath, through my finger tips, and even speak them out. I won't be paralyzed by them nor will I continue to let the insecurity hold me captive.
I can cry, I can scream, I can yell and be angry. I can also think new thought, breathe new breathes, and face those things I've buried long ago.
I want to know who I am. Regardless of heft or might. But who I am inside. Beyond the hurt and pain that I, apparently, smile through everyday. Things buried so deep so they don't bother me. I am unafraid to being them out because to deny any part of me is an injustice to the whole and a hindrance to my goal which is to love me fully, completely, and wholly. And, to always be myself.
Now...to figure out who that really is...beyond the fat & past:)