Sighhhhh. I feel like crying. I am sad. I am lonely. I feel trapped in a cage in my mind and heart. I know I can just go do whatever but there needs to be a system for me to feel ok with that. I am going through a time where I do have people in my life but feel like no one has time for me or I have to constantly work around them and put more effort into them than I am getting and that really hurts me inside a ton. I try to not let it bother me. But it does. It makes for a quiet...no...silent life. I do interact with people but I am really looking to find people that want to invest in me, in a friendship/relationship with me. Want me in their life and want to be part of mine. Enjoy time together. I am really working on myself, inside and outside. Trying to figure out this next chapter of my life and what I need and want. And how to get that. What do I need to do. I have never been in this position before. What is the right direction. I know what my instinct is...move. Restart a life. Make new friends with new people. Get involved in new things at new places. But my last 24 years has been here. And I have never been happy. Never been fulfilled, loved or wanted here. I try to let myself be happy. Something has always been missing for me. I don't want to just go through the motions anymore. My throat aches with that lump in there right now. Holding everything in for so long.
DEEP BREATH. PULL IT TOGETHER.
Ok, So, last night I made mushroom caps stuffed with sausage and cheese, and sweet pepper poppers stuffed with cream cheese and bacon. I really love the poppers! BUT I limited my portions to not get out of control and ruin all the progress I have been making. STICK WITH IT! DISCIPLINE!!! SELF CONTROL!!!! = PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!
Portabella mushroom cap with stuffing of sausage and parm/ Romano cheese with a bit of Swiss cheese melted on top. It looks like a funky burger but tastes good. The poppers are those small sweet peppers with a stuffing of cream cheese and bacon only that night. I was going to put chipotle cheddar cheese into that too but changed my mind.
Tonight is boneless skinless chicken thighs baked with a garlic alfredo sauce with mushrooms and water chestnuts over it. (Picture tomorrow)
I only told my youngest son and now on here, but I weighed myself today because I felt different. I was down to 185.7 lbs! I am keeping that to myself with anyone else in my life. I feel so close to my goal but step back and look at myself and look at the numbers and realize I got so much further to go. Head down nose to the grindstone! Keep at it and get it done. You get no where if you do nothing. Forward forward forward!!! Hard work pays off!
I went to the gym today. Cardio day. I tried this machine I did research on. I am 5'1" with short legs and long torso. I also have hip/pelvis/back/knee issues. So I did some research to find out which elliptical type machine would be best for me. I have stepped on all of them at the gym to see what feels right. None of them really do. But my research told me the Arc trainer was the best fit for my size and issues. So I said when I hit the 180s I would go from the recumbent bike to an elipticle type machine to have it work my body different. Well, I have put it off because I knew none of them felt right. But today, since the scale said 185...I decided it was time for me to hold to what I told myself my next move would be. Besides, when I got to the gym, all the recumbent bikes were in use. So I confidently went over to one of the arc trainers and put my water bottle on it, and my phone, had my headphones on, got on and hit start. I went one minute. It didn't feel right. I decided ok another minute. It was working my legs a lot more. I was getting really worn out fast and my heart rate was way higher than it usually is which I have to watch out for because I have a medical condition that flushed my heart and makes all the blood go out of it to cool my body down fast. So I decided I would TRY to do 5 minutes on that machine today. I didn't like it. And yeah I sound bad saying I was sucking air and having a hard time. I tried to see if I could do a backward stride to maybe make it feel better. But that didn't work for me cuz I didn't seem to be able to go in a backward stride. So I finished the 5 minutes on the arc. NOT what I was hoping for. I decided to go back to the recumbent bikes since one was open now. I did 6 miles like usual, worked up a really good sweat and heart rate and called it a day at the gym. I want to look up what I can do at the gym to help my butt, inner legs and back of arms that I am not already doing. I am already doing a wide variety of things that target those muscles. I just feel flabby and want to tone those areas and know it takes alot of time and work. And I am giving that. Tomorrow is a lower body day at the gym. I am going to do what I did last week. The 12/10/8 on heavier weights. That seemed to do well. Friday will be a form of cardio and Saturday will be the dreaded upper body.
I got a migraine today. I am tired. Depressed. Lonely. Too alone with my thoughts. Gym is supposed to help with that. Exercise is supposed to be the most effective anti depressant. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better. I know what it is, I just got no control over the situation. And I am really trying to teach myself to not care about that situation or feel the way I do about it. Sighhhhhh
TV night tonight. Big Brother finale. Survivor starts. DVR is getting a work out tonight! Which reminds me I need to set another dvr up for tonight! Shoot. Ok , gots to finish dinner!