Today at the gym I realized that my time at the gym is me making time for me. ME TIME. Its hilarious that this is so foreign to me. I've been going to the gym for 3 years. But never ever considered it ME TIME. I don't know what that is. I also had it dawn on me this morning that if I was asked to tell someone about myself, the first and possibly only thing I would say about myself is, " I'm a mom". Which I am. BUT I wouldn't say, " I have 3 kids." SO...I have known I am in a new phase of my life. And I have known that I need to figure out who or what I am. I have been focused on everyone BUT me since I was 19 and I will be 47 this year. And before I was 19, I had to take care of my mom and my brother. Two people who you would think would take care of me, being the daughter and younger sister. I came to terms with that a long time ago. And now that the boys are almost all grown and out (1 is still at home for 2 years), I have barely ever been an adult where it has been just me. SO, who am I and what am I. I am not just "mom". I need to change that to, " I have 3 boys." I will always be MOM but it is time for me to figure out my identity.
When I go to the gym lately I am feeling like I am not doing enough, even though I know I am. I think that is my push to get to where I want to be. I have the drive in me. I want this so badly and I am willing to work for it. Work as hard as I need to. I am being healthy about it. Smart about it. Sticking to self discipline sticking to self control.
I did lower body today. Pushing myself with heavier weights. Which wears me out when I am doing them but when I walk out of the gym I feel fine so I always hope I am sore later. Which is funny. Last night in bed I was looking at my legs. I played around and did some leg raises I used to do. And this morning I realized, cuz I was sore lol, that those leg raises worked my behind right where I feel like I needed to. I had been talking to someone asking how to target that particular area. The leg raises did that! So they got incorporated into my lower body work out today.
My mind is swirling today. We have had 9.8 inches of rain since Tuesday. And it is still like that today and I think the grey outside is getting to me. I also have been out of vitamin B100 for a couple weeks and need to pick that up.
Last night I made chicken wings. I dried the wings with paper towels, and tossed them in a mix of olive oil, chipotle, onion powder, garlic salt, paprika, and tumeric. I baked them on a rack for 30 minutes at 250 then flipped them and cooked them for 40 minutes at 425. Boy I am not a wing fan but those were good! I impressed myself with those. I had celery, radishes and blue cheese dip with them. I was stuffed by the time I was done eating. But I gave myself a sugar free jello.
Today after the gym I went next door to goodwill to see if they had any dresses I liked. I found a couple and I was curious what I fit into now. SCARY. I WAS a size 26 and I know I can fit into a 20 or 18 but notice I can pull shorts up and down without unbuttoning/zipping them so I suspected I am smaller in some way or another. So I pulled from the rack a size 16 NOT stretchy zip up sheath dress and a Medium sweater dress . I also was a 3X or so. I tried them on. And although I wasn't happy with they styles on me....THEY FIT! Snug but not too snug. I think I have to get used to not wearing baggy loose oversize stuff. I have been noticing my leggings are loose, my tops are looking like dresses. Time to get new clothes? Smaller sizes? Scares me alittle. I did reward myself and bought a pair of navy blue leggings in a large (I think) to go with a smaller top I have set aside for when it fits. I think I am kind of still in disbelief.
Yesterday my youngest son, he's 15, told me that my weight loss is making him uncomfortable. I used to be tiny like 98-105 lbs. But he had never seen me that way, only over 200 lbs. He is happy for me and proud of me and wants me to keep going but he says it feels like his mom isn't there. I told him I will always be his mom, always love him and never change inside. That made me feel some kind of way.
Yesterday, it was cooler out so I decided to put on this new shirt, size Large I had gotten at Sam's club a couple months ago as a ...incentive to get down to a large. And it fit just fine, I probably could wear a medium in it. Again, think I am in slight disbelief.
Tonight will be bacon wrapped beef steak or pork loin chop, cabbage steak and maybe some radishes. Should be yummy. Tomorrow is a thrown off day since it is Friday. I talk to my friend then go to the gym. This makes me scared I will not work out when I promised myself but I am really doing my best to sticking to doing what I told myself I would do. I rode bike for 10 miles yesterday. I am aiming for 12 next but will be happy with whatever I can do. Again, trying to harness that drive.
Oh, I got soooo much in my mind and on my heart. And I feel like I have no control over it. But it is something I need to go through and I know one day I will have control of MY part in it. Just soooo much. Learning or figuring out how to balance all these new circumstances and relationships. I don't feel like I am succeeding very well lol (wants to cry). But I will keep pushing on!