I just realized that I have not posted a BLOG since August. I guess it goes to show me just how much I have been down in the doldrums
I will be very honest and say, it's been one heck of a struggle to get back on track and stay on track.
Having injuries to my body have given me so much less motivation as my body hurts all the time. Some days I do so well and then others I just don't feel the strength to do anything.
I am struggling to feel happiness during this time where I have to sit back and watch my mother slowly die of lung cancer. She is not the mother who I have always enjoyed as my best friend, the woman that goes on vacations with me, does shopping in second hand shops, plays scrabble and trivia games. My mother is a mere shell of the woman she once was and it kills me every time I go to visit her because I feel as if I have already lost her.
Every day I wonder if it will be the day she stops breathing. If only during this extended period of time God has given her, would be time where she can enjoy the visits I give her or converse as we did in days gone by. We had so much fun and laughter together and it has now turned to quietness and an emptiness that is unimaginable. When my mom is awake for an hour or so when I visit, she doesn't speak unless spoken too and is too weak to either hear me or understand. The cancer is affecting her thought process as it makes its way to her brain.
It is horrible.
I don't want pity as this is the circle of life which I am facing. It is difficult as many of you Sparkers have experienced yourself. When my great granddaughter died 4 years ago, a part of me died then too but I was able to continue on and grew even stronger in my healthy journey. Although I was working hard for myself, it gave me the health and strength to allow me to give my son my kidney that he desperately needed. I was on top of the world back in 2016 . Then just 5 months later, without warning or reason, my son died in his sleep of a heart attack. He never rejected my kidney and was doing so well and feeling great. I was crushed beyond words that my boy was gone.
I searched for help with my grief but here where I live there was nowhere to go. Counselling is non existent here and I had to rely on my own strength and the love and support of my family and friends. For a while I continued to maintain my healthy life style that I had accomplished for over 3 years and then slowly I started falling backwards. There have been times when comfort came from junk food or glasses of wine that gave me a quick pick me up and then the next day I would hate myself. I would forgive myself, get back on track only to have another fall back after a week or even a few days. Sound familiar fellow Sparkers?
I am still trying as best as I can. Every night I go to bed and say tomorrow will be a good day, a healthy day of clean eating. Some days I have success, while others not so much success. BUT...................I refuse to give up.
This is the first time I have truly opened up about my downward spiral because I am an over achiever. Can you imagine how I must feel every time I "fall from grace". It doesn't help my build momentum or feel inspired and in fact it makes me feel like a loser.
But....I refuse to give up and I will continue to work at this until that momentum returns and until I feel myself being inspired by what I do accomplish and keep going with that.
It isn't easy right now but I am determined. I stay with Spark people because I know I WILL be successful if I stay. Leaving would be disastrous and I made a vow when I returned to Spark back in 2014, that I would never leave again.
I'm here for a lifetime of healthy. I have a few pounds to lose and a lot of work to get my strength back.
My goal is to find a sport that I can do that does not require my feet as they need time (months) to heal properly. It looks like I will be bringing the stationary bike in from it';s retirement and as much as I never cared much for it, maybe I can develop a better relationship with it if I give it a good try and stick with it. IT wont require foot work and will strengthen my calves which in turn will help heal the plantar fasciitis.
Anyway, this is my BLOG for today.
This is ME.