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Struggling to get back

Thursday, October 03, 2019

I just realized that I have not posted a BLOG since August. I guess it goes to show me just how much I have been down in the doldrums
I will be very honest and say, it's been one heck of a struggle to get back on track and stay on track.
Having injuries to my body have given me so much less motivation as my body hurts all the time. Some days I do so well and then others I just don't feel the strength to do anything.

I am struggling to feel happiness during this time where I have to sit back and watch my mother slowly die of lung cancer. She is not the mother who I have always enjoyed as my best friend, the woman that goes on vacations with me, does shopping in second hand shops, plays scrabble and trivia games. My mother is a mere shell of the woman she once was and it kills me every time I go to visit her because I feel as if I have already lost her.

Every day I wonder if it will be the day she stops breathing. If only during this extended period of time God has given her, would be time where she can enjoy the visits I give her or converse as we did in days gone by. We had so much fun and laughter together and it has now turned to quietness and an emptiness that is unimaginable. When my mom is awake for an hour or so when I visit, she doesn't speak unless spoken too and is too weak to either hear me or understand. The cancer is affecting her thought process as it makes its way to her brain.
It is horrible.

I don't want pity as this is the circle of life which I am facing. It is difficult as many of you Sparkers have experienced yourself. When my great granddaughter died 4 years ago, a part of me died then too but I was able to continue on and grew even stronger in my healthy journey. Although I was working hard for myself, it gave me the health and strength to allow me to give my son my kidney that he desperately needed. I was on top of the world back in 2016 . Then just 5 months later, without warning or reason, my son died in his sleep of a heart attack. He never rejected my kidney and was doing so well and feeling great. I was crushed beyond words that my boy was gone.

I searched for help with my grief but here where I live there was nowhere to go. Counselling is non existent here and I had to rely on my own strength and the love and support of my family and friends. For a while I continued to maintain my healthy life style that I had accomplished for over 3 years and then slowly I started falling backwards. There have been times when comfort came from junk food or glasses of wine that gave me a quick pick me up and then the next day I would hate myself. I would forgive myself, get back on track only to have another fall back after a week or even a few days. Sound familiar fellow Sparkers?

I am still trying as best as I can. Every night I go to bed and say tomorrow will be a good day, a healthy day of clean eating. Some days I have success, while others not so much success. BUT...................I refuse to give up.

This is the first time I have truly opened up about my downward spiral because I am an over achiever. Can you imagine how I must feel every time I "fall from grace". It doesn't help my build momentum or feel inspired and in fact it makes me feel like a loser.

But....I refuse to give up and I will continue to work at this until that momentum returns and until I feel myself being inspired by what I do accomplish and keep going with that.
It isn't easy right now but I am determined. I stay with Spark people because I know I WILL be successful if I stay. Leaving would be disastrous and I made a vow when I returned to Spark back in 2014, that I would never leave again.
I'm here for a lifetime of healthy. I have a few pounds to lose and a lot of work to get my strength back.

My goal is to find a sport that I can do that does not require my feet as they need time (months) to heal properly. It looks like I will be bringing the stationary bike in from it';s retirement and as much as I never cared much for it, maybe I can develop a better relationship with it if I give it a good try and stick with it. IT wont require foot work and will strengthen my calves which in turn will help heal the plantar fasciitis.

Anyway, this is my BLOG for today.
This is ME.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It's hard to keep going when it feels like life is against us. I'm sure it is difficult to see your mom's health decline - keep those memories of all the good times in your heart.

    You are an inspiration to me - everything you've gone through and sharing your journey with others. You will find your way - even if it's different than what you've done before. We're all here to support each other - through the good and the bad.

    Good luck!! emoticon
    44 days ago
    emoticon I know.
    45 days ago
  • BJAEGER307
    Susan my heart goes out to you. I'm not pitying you, I just understand this stage so well, as I went through it with my own mother. The hardest part was when she was in a coma and there was no movement at all. How I prayed that she would just open her eyes once more. This time is so difficult for you and I really wish that there was something I could do for you.

    The grief I felt lasted for a long time, until I got some help from friends, my church and my dear sweet husband. He let me babble on and on, and it helped me release the dark feelings I had in my heart. When I finally accepted the fact that as you put it, it was the circle of life, did I start to recover. My Mom has been gone 13 years now. I chose to remember her at her best times and what a wonderful person she was. It keeps me from going down the dark road of grief that takes over on the anniversary of her death.

    You've gone through so much Susan, and in my heart I feel God is making you stronger than you realize.

    Take care of yourself as best you can, blog on here, get those dark feelings out, it may be the healing help you need.

    48 days ago
    48 days ago
    I admire your courage and inspiration. You are an inspiration. My prayers are with you. It is always hard to watch a loved one dying. Thank you for sharing from your heart.
    48 days ago
    I can relate to so many of the issues you set out in your blog, I'm doing EXACTLY what you are with regard to trying to get back on track with the clean eating. I also have 20 lbs. to lose. We can and will do this you know. I am running very low on clothes that fit me and refuse to buy any more!!

    I know you will get back on track when things become "Normal" again if there really is such a thing!! I can relate to your feelings with regard to your mom. It's hard to deal with the end of life phase we all must go through. We know it's coming but that doesn't make matters any easier. As Carolyn has already said, I also believe when your mom's struggles is over you will emerge with a strong spirit and desire to get back on track and focus on you instead of everything except you.

    Sending you hugs and a sunshiny day tomorrow. It's always cheerier when the sun shines.
    48 days ago
    Susan, it is so good to hear about what's been happening with you. I have wanted to know more about how things were going with your mother. It seems she has lingered much longer than originally expected, and while in some ways it can be seen as a blessing because you get to spend more time with her, I'm sure in other ways it has not been easy at all accepting the decline in her abilities, dealing with all the logistics of making sure someone is always with her, doing a huge share of the work yourself, enduring the suspense and stress of not knowing when she will go and therefore not being able to make any plans, or perhaps feeling guilty about taking time, even a leisurely afternoon, for yourself and worrying about not being there with her when she eventually passes away. Under all these stressful, sad circumstances, I'm sure it has been so hard to take care of yourself, to engage in all the physical activities that have brought you so much satisfaction in the years I have known you here on SP. Add to that your injuries and pain, and it's no wonder you're feeling a bit defeated.

    BUT--I know what a trooper you are, how resilient you are, how you have emerged triumphant from some really, really tragic losses in the past few years. I do believe that when your mother's struggle is over, even though it will still be a hard, lonely time, you will emerge from this, too, with a strong spirit and desire to get moving again. It is so hard to move--not to mention do aerobic exercise--when you're grieving or depressed, but I have absolutely no doubt that you will be back in the next few weeks or months to the turbo-charged state you're famous for!

    Please take care, Susan, and know that you are in my thoughts. Talk to you soon.
    Love, C
    49 days ago
    49 days ago
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