Only 1,731 days later... Coming out of the dark
Friday, October 11, 2019
Sooo.... It's been awhile. It's crazy to me that it's been about 5 years. A lot has happened in that time. A lot of good and a lot of bad.
Note that the following might be triggering and upsetting if you have been affected by depression and/or suicide.
I'm incredibly blessed in so many ways, but I have always had a heck of a time believing I'm worthy of this life. The past 5 years my mental health has been going down the drain. I've been depressed, self-harming, and suicidal for much of the last 5 years. Unfortunately that's not a very unique situation to me as I've dealt with mental illness since about 10 years old, maybe sooner who knows.
I truly was at the end of my rope when I decided to reach out for help and start therapy. This is not some rose-colored story of how therapy changed my life though. It's actually been more damaging than beneficial at times. I've seen 7 different therapists in these 5 years and I was starting to believe therapy couldn't work for me and there was no hope of ever being well.
Fast forward to this past year and I finally decided to start medication. Again this is not a rose-colored story of medication saving me. There were many ups and downs as we worked to get the right combination. In the meantime I was more suicidal that ever and had started initiating attempts that I kept secret. It was finally at the boiling point that I decided to tell my therapist the truth of what was going on... Again, not rose-colored... This interaction let to me being escorted out by police and taken by ambulance to the ER - an experience that is still traumatizing to me and I still believe to be an excessive reaction, but it was a wake up call. After that, we finally found a good balance of meds. I had more of my energy and motivation back. I wasn't battling my dark thoughts as much. I started to eat better, and exercise, and I finally felt ready to start the weight loss track again.
Overall, it's been a steady journey and I'm down 87 lbs. The biggest challenge is that I tend toward disordered eating patterns and while the weight loss is necessary, much of it has been attained through unhealthy methods of restriction and compensation. I'm not proud of this, but truly my ultimate goal is to achieve wellness in both body and mind and I'm coming to terms with the fact that my path toward that goal is full of turns, pitfalls, and some triumphs. I'm not well yet, but I'm on my way.
Thank you for your support. I'm finding that having support in person and online is an essential ingredient to moving forward. 💕