I need help
Saturday, October 26, 2019
Well, despite my halfhearted efforts I seem to be packing the pounds on again. Yes, I am stepping up to the plate and am fully admitting that my efforts, of late, have been half-hearted ones.
I stepped on the scale about 30 minutes ago and I was both shocked and relieved. I was shocked the scale read 242 pounds but it was also a relief. Trust me, I know you’re all thinking “oh, she was relieved it wasn’t more” but you’d be wrong if you thought that. I’m actually relieved my weight went up enough to serve as a wake up call.
The signs have been there! I have been gaining and losing the same few pounds for months. I haven’t been totally honest with anybody, much less myself. My GERD is so bad - I wake up with it now. This is despite taking prescription medication AND over the counter stuff. I had to buy size 3x tops and size 22 bottoms yesterday. I’m well on my way to being diagnosed with type ll diabetes.
Do I care? Is it my depression that bad that I’ve given up. What can I do?
Well for starters, I starters I decided to be completely honest. I am restarting my SparkPeople Coach account and have decided to start a pen and paper journal about that. In it, I will address my emotional reasons for eating. I will allow myself to be messily creative!!!
I’ve started a new antidepressant so I have to give that time to work it’s magic. But I also have to help myself. There are things I can do to make my “recovery” (not that I ever expect to fully be depression free....but I need to get back to functioning) easier and more sustainable.
I know walking helps me.
I know spending too much time on social media does not.
I know that water helps me whereas coffee has limitations.
I know I love to read and I need to set aside daily time for it
I know our freezer is packed with healthy proteins.
I know my husband is on board
I know I have to dress the body I have now so I’ll wear those new jeans
I know I have great friends both online and in real life
I know how to eat healthy meals
I know the importance of tracking but I also know how I trick myself by saying “ you know how much you’re eating, so why bother. I have to stifle that voice and just track.
I know I love junk food but hate the way it makes me feel
I know I eat out of anxiety
I know my knee pain and lower back issues are not going away if I keep gaining weigh
I know I will never be supermodel thin
I know I will feel joy being able to say “I did it”
I know my progress will be slow but I cannot use that as an excuse to give up.
I know I use humour to cover up how I’m really feeling. Humour is fine but not as a coverup
I know clutter makes me both anxious and depressed. I also know my husband is one sheet of paper away from his own episode of Hoarders. We have to talk! Therapy might be helpful!
I have to do little bits of housework each day to prevent it from overwhelming me.
I have to stop buying fabric until I start making things out of what I have. I think I’m using it as an emotional crutch.
I do need to spend more time in my sewing room
I need to stop grasping at straws - I need to make “Project Susan” a real thing!
I need to stop aiming for perfection and instead focus on “making a solid effort”
I need to stop making changes that aren’t sustainable. Little changes over time, little changes over time and repeat! If not, I’ll be right back here next month writing the same darn blog
I need to view Spark as a tool and not as a way to wile away a few hours socializing and pretending all is well.
I need to start seeing me as others see me. That’s going to be difficult but I think will be worth it.
I need to dig out my Spark cookbook and challenge myself to make one recipe a week
I need to blow the dust off of Spark book...journal about it!
Okay, that’s enough self-reflection. I’m off to crack open a journal somebody gave me and to start finding my groove again.