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Wednesday, November 06, 2019

I can't get use to doing the "11" for the month. Anyway, Today I weighed 171. Not happy with that. My fasting BSL was 92 and that was 15 units the day before. I went to the gym, which I was very unmotivated to do and ended up cheating myself because I get REALLY down on myself when I see this specific girl in the gym who is just perfect. I used to be that way. And I am not now and it makes me REALLY sad that I let myself get this way. I am working so hard to take it off. So hard. Anyway. I did recumbent bike slower than I usually do because I think I went too long without going to the gym and my legs felt weaker. Or maybe I have a bug which is entirely possible cuz I have been feeling off and not right with being tired and scratchy throat and head aches and stuff- flu or cold stuff. I just ignore it and push on. So maybe my body is trying to tell me something. Anyway- I did recumbent bike slower than normal and half the time as normal. And half the miles of normal. I did 30 minutes and a little over 4 miles. Then I told myself "well I will do some lifting on the machines" So I did the seated leg press and felt I was challenging my legs since they felt weaker. I did about 30 lbs lighter than I usually do. But I did quite a few sets so I was content with that. Then I was going to go to another machine but someone with a walker was using one of them and the other was blocked by that person's walker. So I decided to work the back of my legs. Then I noticed that girl. She was in front to the side of me. Being all perfect. I don't hate her, I am sure she is nice. It just upsets me emotionally in such a deep bad way when I see her because I know that WAS me. And I want that again so badly and have been working in that direction and yes I have had success, quite a bit of success. But. I should have never let myself get so far away from that. I knew how to be good to myself but chose not to be. I chose to put everyone else before me. And now I am working off those consequences. Well. I did 10 leg curls at I think normal weight. And was going to do more- I intended on 5 sets of 10. Then she moved right in front of me. I did 10 more and headed to the locker room. Scolding myself for not staying and doing SOMETHING more. I went to my car and cried. I called someone to be tough on me while I cried. I don't need oh you aren't whatever oh its ok everyone has things. No, I need the - don't short yourself, you don't leave until you have given yourself what you need, stuff like that. It is the nicey nice stuff that makes me say ok, I don't have to try I can do it another time, then another time never comes. I went home, did 10 crunches on my yoga ball. But my head was pounding from crying so I decided I would wait for that to pass and do abs and legs and butt tonight. Besides I got 3 dogs in that room right now and they were making it difficult. It will be easier later today when someone is around to distract them so I can work out more. I know that sounds just like what I was talking about. But I make a promise to myself today to finish. And I will. I think I lost 2 inches from my belly. OH THAT BELLY THAT FRONT APRON OF FAT THAT HANGS. It is shrinking. So I have hope I guess.

Well I got work to do. And places to be. OH! Tomorrow is my date with the eye doctor!!!!! I am SO excited!!!! Oh I hope I am a candidate for contacts. I have to use up the flex spending money before the end of the year. And we didn't even meet our deductible yet. So I get to use it on contacts, glasses, sunglasses. THIS has never ever happened before where we have access medical money. I guess I will use it!

Been snowing all day, roads are slick and the tornado siren is going off. More than one siren. Hmm better go see what that is about.

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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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