Sunday, November 17, 2019
Ate like I used to yesterday. Paid for it last night and today. I didn't wake up until noon today but could have slept a few more days straight through. 163.8 lbs today. I WAS 160 yesterday morning. I am sure it wont stay on my body. I am not going to beat myself up. Food is like a drug for me. Makes me feel drunk. My blood sugars got in the 300's which they are down a lot today. I can not do it up that big. I had, blue berry pancakes and syrup, american fries, brownie, a toasted white chocolate frappuccino , fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, pizza, a sugar plum danish, ice cream, I had been under too much sorrow and stress this week. I still am. I tried to walk off the feelings I had both physically and emotionally. I walked for hours. Stumbling like a drunk. No, I did not drink.
Well. I feel like I wasted my day sleeping. I KNOW I needed the rest since I hasn't been sleeping hardly at all the past few weeks. I really need my life things to fall into a really good place. And they haven't been. And I have not much control of that. Someone else does. And it is breaking my heart. I know I am being pushed away so I don't have to deal with their pain. But I am not one to let people do that. I am there to support. And I refuse to be pushed away. I am loyal. I know you do want me around but you are just scared and that is ok. But I am not going anywhere.
Let me tell you on a completely different subject. I have one pair of jeans. And they are too big. I raced someone yesterday and my pants fell down. So I saw old navy had a sale so I brought someone with me and I tried on jeans. Now, in July, I was at a size 26. I am 5 foot 1 inch. I was bigger around than I was tall. I had gone down to a size 16 as of a week or two ago. So I picked out a bunch of 14 and 12 pants.and jeans. I tried them on and had to keep sending people back to go get smaller sizes. So it got to be funny and I got really curious. I had someone go get me a size 8 button and zip jeans. I got them on. I got them buttoned, I got them zipped! What?!?!? size 8 ?!?!?! NO WAY! I had a huge blubbery muffin top hanging over the top of it but they were on, buttoned and zipped! CRAYZEE!!! So, I got 2 size 12 dress pants, a size 10 jean and I got those size 8 jeans to put on to see my progress. I used to originally be a size 0-5. Now before anyone starts saying- oh must be hard to be so tiny...I was UNDERWEIGHT my whole life. My family did not give me food. And when they did we shared a handful of the food we had between 4 people. So I graduated highschool at about 80 pounds at most soaking wet. Then as I got into adulthood I discovered food. And cooking. And I was trying everything. I had other vises and kicked those but Food is an addiction that is a necessity to live. Control and moderation have to be that key. Because at some point you do need food to live even if you fast. So I yes, now traded two addictions for the food one. And I struggle especially when I am angry. I am an angry eater. And I have worked through a lot of anger in my life and filled the holes that needed to be filled and was happy. I had been dropping weight this year- all was right with the world until the past few weeks. A bomb blew that up. And I ...not even am angry. I am hurting. I am confused how to get through this. I know I have the answers. But my mind just feels my pain from heart and soul. Right now that is trumping all.
But yeah...size 8! Good for me! Way to go me!
I made a taco salad for lunch and we are having steak and asparagus tonight and Mississipi pot roast tomorrow night with veggies on the size. That is because someone is coming over - OR SUPPOSED TO. They didn't show up last time. (insert eye roll here). I have been going through things to get rid of around here. I am in a purge mode with my stuff and pulling things out of storage to see what is smaller that maybe I can get into now. Women, you know what I am talking about...I think there are a lot of women out there who never get rid of any piece of clothing they have. Because their weight changed and they may need it again one day because they lost or gained. We tell ourselves it saves us money- yes it does but is it still stylish when you get back to that weight? We will see won't we. I am committing to myself. If it is too big. It must go! I wont let myself get back to those larger sizes. I commit to only losing and getting smaller and healthier. Because that is who I am at my core. Not this person I see in pictures and the mirror. I need to keep moving in the direction of making the outside look like and match the one in my brain that I know I was and am supposed to be. So that means, if the item is too big, it goes. Period not room for wavering.
Well, it sounds like my sewer backed up....again. Gotta go deal with that...again. Price of living in an old house sometimes. I feel like I am on autopilot today. Not the best feeling but better than feeling sick yesterday.