I know I've been away a long time It's an immense, meandering story.
This year I've had exactly one roommate who didn't have severe dementia. The current roommate (who's going home tomorrow) is convinced that there are severed legs all over the room and that she's supposed to spend tonight in a hotel room at her favorite restaurant (you guessed it, no hotel). She also frequently talks all night. I've had almost eleven months straight of similar issues and drama, and I'm feeling frayed.
Due to the stress and lack of sleep, I have almost no focus or drive. I'm knitting gifts for all my great-nieces and great-nephew, and it will be a freaking miracle if I can get them done on time.Sometimes I feel as though I can barely lift my needles.
I haven't cried in years, and I'm not sure I can any more. I feel the huge knot in my chest or throat, but nothing brings it up. I see so much pain around me and I want to fix,it, but I'm bed-bound and I have very little money. I want to help victims of war and disaster. I want to help kids in cages and abused, starving animals. I feel helpless and, by extension, useless. It feels like I'm constantly grieving.
There are some bright spots. My great-niece Angie just qualified for the drumline of her school's marching band. Her high school. Did I mention she's only eleven?
Elizabeth has "graduated" from Infant Critical Follow-Up. The pediatrician told her parents there isn't a trace that she was ever a preemie.
My great-nephew Jeremiah won an award for kindness from his school (best reason I can think of!). Also, his soccer team won its league championship this season.
And Isa is a fine student and a terrific big sister.
And of course, my Frank continues undaunted as the fastest nurse chaser in Northern California!
I seriously hope that I can get at least a day or two to myself to de-stress before they reassign the room.