Tuesday, December 03, 2019
Current Weight: 331.4 lbs
This is what I worked on today in the wee hours of the AM
1.5 Miles Recumbent Bike
3X15 Bicep Curls
3X15 Shoulder Presses
3X15 Front Lateral Raises
I realized very quickly how very weak I had become adding the small bit of weight lifting into my recumbent bike routine. It was hard to finish, hard to keep the momentum going because what happens when it gets hard? you want to quit. But I tried to remember what my 1st trainer would tell me.....Work thru the pain, work thru the emotions that make you want to quit. I honestly believe it is using my weights that got me thru being able to ride my bike 1.5 miles without constantly looking at the distance. I need distractions to keep me going in whatever manner they may be so I plan on using adding weights as my distraction to push farther.
Today I looked in the mirror and I didn't like my reflection and I knew this is not what my Mother ever wanted for me. In truth I don't think she knew what to do with me about my weight and that's when the fat shaming started between my Mom and my sister to me. I think they perhaps felt if they made remarks and comments it would force me to do something. But it just made me eat more, and feel and hold that shame more. I do not doubt that my Mother loved me, I know she did. I just don't think she knew how to help me. These years would be a catalyst for me and I understand that I used food for comfort and to eat my pain away. I later would go thru 2 brutal marriages that left me scarred and broken full of unhealthy choices and again I would eat that pain away.
Sometimes when I look at myself I do feel shame, embarrassment for what I have done to the only body I will ever have. I alone made those choices to eat and not be active. I have to take responsibility for what I have done. At 50 years old I often wonder if what I do today will make any difference. I have dropped 56 lbs however that being said....what has it really changed? Do I feel better? Not really. Do I have more energy? Not at all. Has my health issues improved....NO So you begin to ask what this is all for? It's to prevent anything worse from happening down the road that may instantly claim your life.
In 2018 I added fish oil supplements to my diet and in exactly 1 year's time what did that do for me? My bad cholesterol LDL dropped 18 points in one year. So of course that is a step in the right direction. I have so badly wanted to leave the 330's behind me it has been my nemesis for so very long and I am just now starting to get very close to that goal. I only have a few clear goals for myself in December and that's to implement at minimum walking 2,000 steps per day and riding my recumbent bike 1 mile per day along with drinking 100 oz water daily. I honestly believe if I am consistent with these goals that I will succeed in leaving the 330's behind me by the end of the year.