MAMABEAR372
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12/5/19 ughhh

Thursday, December 05, 2019

I have fallen off the wagon and I can't get back on it. I set out each day to get back on the wagon and just keep falling off. First of all almost all of everything in my life is falling apart. I am trying to suck it up and just move on. I have gotten past the sad part for the most part. I do have worry but I am trying to keep that in major check. I make goodies this time of year to GIVE AWAY! I ate 2 bags, yes two bags, of hershey kisses. I have eaten quite a few of the muffins and banana breads I have made. SIGHHHHH I am still going to make a ton more stuff. I now have storage room for the things I make to keep them cold until I give them away and that should help keep them more out of sight out of mind. I have put on 20 lbs in the past couple weeks. I was down to 160 off insulin now I checked today at 180 and on 60 units of insulin again. I got rid of all my bigger clothes and so I HAVE to lose at least some of this weight by next week! I know I wont lose it all but I need to fit into my clothes by next week. I have a trip I am taking for a few days and need to fit into my clothes! I think quite a bit of it is water weight because I have salty cravings and sweet cravings. I had been drinking soda- which I hadn't done in a VERY VERY long time, maybe a year or longer. I am back to drinking water for a few days now and lost about 10 of the pounds because I WAS up by 190. I set out each day to eat right then I go left and eat things I shouldn't. UGH FOOD!
I love you but you love to put fat on my body and raise my blood sugar.
On my trip, the friend that has been watching her weight with me- she is 120...so easier for her than me. She has planned to take me to cheesecake factory for my birthday. Then a chocolate store. Then the next day, pizza and a catered meal of chicken, green beans and rice ( I am not supposed to eat many carbs). Then Krispy Kreme, and a restaurant and anyway alot of eating out! I have looked over all menus to plan ahead. And do my best. I know that is all I can do. We are hitting a large water park to work off calories while I am there. And there will be walking. There is a gym and pool where I am staying but I don't know if I will have the energy for it and my joints have been very sore- probably cuz I put weight on fast and at all.
SIGHHHH I am really trying to pull it all back together. I just keep slipping. Slipping right into that quick sand. I keep telling myself- don't put off till tomorrow what I could do today.
We took back the two girl dogs we have been watching for the past two months, last night. So that is some off my plate. I still have my dog, Halo (insert picture lol)

He is not thrilled. Not just because his girl friends are gone, but because I found this hat this morning lol. It was just for picture sake. Things are very quite around here now with just one dog.
I cleaned the house most of today. I may make some of the candy type goodies to freeze later today. This time of year is HARD. More stress than necessary. More memories than anyone should need to deal with. More worry than life should create. I have a son who is a school teacher that has been dealing all week with threats of school shootings and other near by school shootings, fights and disrespect from students. I have another son who has had his biological father sadden, disappoint and lie to him and he is getting mental help for this and other severe mental trama. He also has had mass amounts of health issues recently. Today he was told to go back to the doctor for his blood sugars being over 300. I feel like I passed that on to him. I have another son- yes a 3rd son and my only one at home and still in high school- scared to go to school because of the school shootings around here. There is things going on with my niece and nephew, my brother, my father, my brother in law, my father and mother in law. I have made bad choices for my life, health and relationships. I found out my -real- friends arent as trust worthy as I hoped. So I am feeling alone with the world on my shoulders. And it is soooo heavy. I know I shouldn't make other people's problems my problems. I need to help myself before I can help others. I am really struggling to do that. I WANT that back. I NEED that back. I just feel like my support system is next to none. So...it is on me. And I need to find strength somewhere somehow. I know it is in there. Somewhere. I just got to find it. I need to continue to be a role model for my sons. I need to lead by example. Choose right over wrong. It is so easy to get buried in the weight of the world and those that matter to me. Ha, I am working on being more positive yet factual. I guess, I have been focusing on my vices and not falling to those. The one I fall to is food though. If I can control that, I will be good. I have not fallen to my other vises though and I am proud of that.
Christmas stuff most likely will go up this weekend because the girl dogs are gone now and wont knock it all over. That was sad yet happy to take them back to their daddy. Ok, got somewhere to be. Just wanted to jump on and write down my thoughts since I hadn't done that in a while. I am really looking for encouragement. Not so much advice. Just encouragement. Support. Positivity.
I leave in a week. Ha, I got a lot to do! I feel guilty/bad for going on the trip by myself. I don't feel like I deserve it as a reward anymore.

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  • MILLER-S
    I'm sorry you're struggling. I struggle every day, too. I always start out determined to "do better" and then most days something really stressful happens and I don't know how to cope without food. I've tried other things and nothing is quite as comforting as food. I hate saying that, but it's true.

    I hope you have a wonderful trip!!! Of course you deserve it - everyone deserves to do something nice for themselves and have fun!!! Try to enjoy it and make some happy memories!!!

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    46 days ago
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