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I Am Not Super Woman!

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Saturday, December 07, 2019


No, I am not Super Woman, and I cannot save the world. I need help.
I’m having a tough time, making plans to go to Florida in February to visit my son and his family I know that it is not at all rational, but I wonder if my mother will pass while we are gone. It really hurts my heart to leave her for a week.
I can’t be the only person who has gone through this feeling. How do I deal with a Mom in the nursing home with fragile health and taking care of the rest of the family?
I’d love to know how others have dealt with this situation.
The nurse at hospice told me that I have to live my life, care for the full family and be at peace. My mother would want it this way.

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  • IDICEM
    You need to live life. Go on your trip. Your mother knows you love her.
    44 days ago
  • no profile photo INCH_BY_INCH
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    45 days ago
  • SPICY23
    Listen to your heart. Talk to your Mom even if it is not clear she can hear or respond. The right thing to do will come to you.

    Peace and Care
    46 days ago
  • RASPBERRY56
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    47 days ago
  • JSTETSER
    emoticon Thank you for your comment on my blog today! emoticon
    47 days ago
  • AZROSEZ
    I didn't have this come up as my children were still young. I'll share this though with what the hospice had said to me one day. She said that the family had to let my grandma go because as long as she feels she is needed she would keep holding on because she was still needed. I had no idea what to do as my mom and her brothers weren't ready for that yet. I sat at home in the recliner petting the 2 kittens a stray cat had under the shed brough momma kitty and the kittens in it was in November I had heard them and it was too cold for them. One of my earliest memories was my grandma bringing me a kitten ironically when I was sick saying she needed help naming the kitten which I named Cookie. I went to bed and woke up the next day with this weird gut feeling to take the kittens to her. I called the hospice and they allowed me to bring them as they were little only had their eyes open a week. When I got in her room I told her I had visitors with me. I hadn't seen her eyes liight up like they did for a few years. I said I needed her help I didn't know what to name them. She smiled she couldn't talk too loud because she was weak so I got close to the bed and leaned in she named one Jingle Bells and the other Silver Bells it was December 1st hence thier names. I told her those were the perfect names for them. She stroked them a little rough as she was week it didn't bother them though. She started talking about Gold Boy which was the last dog she had. She eventually said that he was waiting for her and I said yes he has been waiting for you for a long time. I left about 15 minutes after she went to sleep. I was home about 2 hours after left her and it was the hospice nurse calling to tell me she passed in her sleep 10 minutes before she called me. I'm tearing up writing this and i didn't mean this being wordy.
    With the hospice nurse advising you to continue to live you life I understand where she is coming from.


    48 days ago
  • WONDERGALE
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    48 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/9/2019 12:48:18 AM
  • WONDERGALE
    I agree with the hospice nurse. You must live your life.
    48 days ago
  • ARNETTELEE
    Just know that your mom's in good hands. They will take care of her, so you go an enjoy your time away.
    48 days ago
  • HARROWJET
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    48 days ago
  • LORI-K
    Hugs! I feel for you. As hard as it would be, I would probably choose what my Mom would have wanted me to do.....go on the trip.
    I wish you the best in your decisions.
    emoticon
    49 days ago
  • AQUAGIRL08
    Live with no regrets, is my motto. You can't coulda, woulda, shoulda yourself for the rest of your life. Perhaps you should discuss the situation with your son, the hospice care staff and your mother's doctor. If you think you'll have regrets later, then you already know what to do.
    49 days ago
  • CAKAROO
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    49 days ago
  • MSLZZY
    Take care of yourself first and trust God to take
    care of the rest with the doctors and nurses and
    staff. HUGS!
    49 days ago
  • JSTETSER
    You guys are so helpful! I'm crying as I read your words, and know that you are right.
    I have to take care of my family as well as my Mom.
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    49 days ago
  • HEALTHYANDFIT27
    Hugs and prayers to you.
    49 days ago
  • LIS193
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    49 days ago
  • REDROBIN47
    Because I live in Ohio and my mom lived in Michigan, I was with her as much as possible when she was in a nursing home. But there were times I did have to leave her and come home to see to things and take care of business. I always feared she would pass while I was gone but fortunately, I was there when it happened. However, I did miss being with my dad. I was working at the time and even though my mom called me and told me to get to MI as soon as possible, I did not make it. She said my dad tried to wait for me to get there but he wasn't able to hold on. I did regret not being there but I was able to be with and support my mom and help here with arrangements. It's hard but we do need to carry on while we are going thru this. Just think about what your mom would want you to do. I believe she would want you to visit your son. Can you ask her?
    49 days ago
  • CAROLJ35
    But you have been so good to your mom when it really counted and the two of you enjoyed each other's company.
    My mother was only 73, handicapped, and lived alone, had no signs anything was wrong. She was found one morning in a chair in living room where she had died through the night. It has always been a mystery as to how she got there because her cane was still in bedroom and she could not walk without it. God takes them when he wants.
    49 days ago
  • KAYDE53
    My family stayed with my dad in shifts at hospice,so there was always at least one family member with him at all times. But thankfully, my siblings and I were all there except one when he passed. The nurses were very close in predicting “when” as the days progressed. There are certain markers. I chose to be there for both parents, but can’t say what anyone else should or shouldn’t do. emoticon
    49 days ago
  • MORTICIAADDAMS
    The nurse is right. God will look after your mother. Hugs.
    49 days ago
  • RKOTTEK
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    49 days ago
  • JAMER123
    The hospice nurse is so very right. As a retired RN, I have dealt with families and losses over decades. Each one is so different in their time of grief. So are prepared but are still not expecting it, others are prepared and live their lives knowing their family is okay and will be. Many can hold off until they are alone. That was both my MIL and FIL. Didn't want the family to watch the final breath. And many sit at the bedside without leaving. As many families I have helped with their loved one is dying, I cry right with them. We also get attached. Know your strengths and what your heart is telling you. Listen to you mom and to the hospice staff. Caregivers need respite care as well. My mom is on the edge and I don't know if she will make the winter. We are in TX. for the winter but will be going home in the spring until fall. It's what I need to do. That's to be with the rest of my family, kids, grands etc. God bless and may you be at peace.
    49 days ago
  • DOVESEYES
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    49 days ago
  • FRABBIT
    So sorry you are going through this. Your mom definitely wants to see your children and grandchildren.
    49 days ago
  • HARRIETT14
    If you can get away for a week go. Whatever will be will be no matter if you go or stay home. Enjoy your son and his family.
    49 days ago
  • ILOVEROSES
    I am so sorry about your dilemma. I agree with the nurse and the others. You have to also think about yourself and the rest of your family. Your Mum will likely still be there when you come back from Florida. emoticon
    49 days ago
  • ALEXSGIRL1
    the hospice nurse is right, my grandfather was failing but we had paid so we went on vacation before cell phones . they were given hotel numbers etc. and told to call if any changes, I spent most of vacation crying when back home grandpa was out of hospital and home and pretty much back to self , no one wanted to bother us,, he didnt pass until a year later,
    49 days ago
  • TOKIEMOON
    The nurse is right. You must take care of yourself as well as attend to other loved ones. That being said, I was in a similar situation with my own mother in her final terminal stage, I was unable to leave her and I've never regretted that choice.

    We each must decide what is best. Canceling travel plans to see your son may not be best. Predicting the time of death is not a science and your mother may live a while longer. Only YOU can make that very difficult decision. If you are not doing so already, try praying about it.

    You are very much in my thoughts and I will be praying for you as well. emoticon
    50 days ago
  • RCLYKE
    I don’t think your mom would begrudge you your weeks vacation. If she knew you were giving it up because of her she may be hurt
    50 days ago
  • ARTJAC
    emoticon emoticon I NEVER GOT BACK TO ENGLAND WHEN MY MAM PASSED AWAY WE HAD JUST EMIGRATED TO AUSTRALIA AND JUST MOVED INTO OUR NEW HOUSE SO WE HAD NO MONEY TO SPARE FOR THE FLIGHTS AS OUR BOYS WERE TO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND
    50 days ago
  • WATERMELLEN
    Yes, although I'd been at my parents' home providing care when my mother was dying, I was back at my own home tending my family at the exact moment my mother died. My then 10 year old son was missing me and needed me.

    It was ok.

    No regrets.
    50 days ago
  • PHOENIX1949
    I hope you can take solace in the thought that things will play out as they are meant to be. emoticon
    50 days ago
  • KOHINOOR2
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    50 days ago
  • GRANNYJACKIE2
    It is impossible for a human being to be in two places at the same time, unless you are standing on the border of two neighboring places with one foot on each side. But seriously, you should not beat yourself up for wanting to see your son and visit him for a week. Your mother could live for much longer or she could pass in the next second, but so could you. You cannot live your life waiting for your mother to pass. You cannot sit around waiting for the inevitable to happen, you have to be part of the here and now. Is it easy? No. Is it simple? Yes. Whatever you decide you have to live with so make sure you choose wisely.
    50 days ago
  • L*I*T*A*
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    50 days ago
  • BIRBKITTEN1234
    I think just spend time with her before you go and let her know what is going on. Also she would want you to be a good mom too so don't doubt she would want you to fulfill your family responsibility too
    50 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    You have hospice involved w/your Mom, right? Just my opinion, but I’d talk w/them to get their feeling about what time your Mom has left. I did that w/both my parents. With their experience, they’re pretty accurate. It is not in your power to know when she’ll pass, but the hospice nurse gave you the same advice I would and the same advice I was given in re: my parents. You have to live your life, care for your family and be @ peace. DEFINITELY your Mom would want it that way. BUT, I do have to agree w/the advice given to listen to what your heart is telling you, too.

    OH, and as odd as it may sound, you know, as someone else said, if it's important to your Mom to have you there, she'll hang on. I would not have believed it AT ALL but I saw it w/my Dad. It took my brother 2 hrs. to get here when Dad was failing. He got to say his good-bye and 2 hrs. later Dad passed. I don't think it was a coincidence, I think it was Divine Intervention.

    HUGS and prayers for you as you determine what you will do. It’s not easy.

    50 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/7/2019 10:25:23 AM
  • AKA_TROUBLE
    The nurse is right. Life goes on and not living it the best you can is an insult to the mother who gave you your life.
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    50 days ago
  • 1DAY-ATA-TIME
    Indeed this is a difficult time for you and I wish I had something to tell you to ease your heartache, but I can't. All I can do is offer my thoughts and prayers.
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    50 days ago
  • NASFKAB
    Prayers for all of you. Do what is best for all of you.
    50 days ago
  • GODS-PRINCESS
    emoticon Oh my friend, this is such a awful 'season' in your life. It is so hard.
    When my grandparent's and my dad was at this stage of life, I did make it all about them! Honestly I don't regret it. My grandpa was dying when I was in college, I came home every weekend because he asked in tears if I would. When my grandma was dying, looking back, I wish I would have been there more. A year ago my dad was dying and my son was in college and he drove 1 hour to see him every moment he had to spare between final week of classes and tests. I was there when I could be,
    Jackie, if your heart is telling you to stay and not go to FL, listen to your heart! Do Not listen to those nurses! You know your mom, they do not! Listen to your heart! emoticon
    50 days ago
  • PENOWOK
    Hospice nurse is right. We have had 3 of our 4 parents pass away. 2 were in NJ and 2 near Atlanta. 1 in Atlanta was on hospice and the other is 97 and living in independent living with a little support. We live in SD. No easy way to get there. We take care of grandsons here and it's a dilemma even trying to get to CO to see 5 other grandkids because that leaves this mom with limited other available childcare. The other mother-in-law is unreliable. She tells us to go and it's her problem. It's different when you are the mainline for your mom, but also necessary. If she's on hospice, there is likely a somewhat anticipated time frame and you'll know more as the day draws closer, but how do you book plane tickets that far out when the day is unpredictable. Your mom would love for you to see those grandchildren and great-grands of hers! If you are like me, I would need to go!
    50 days ago
  • GABY1948
    Hard decision indeed. If it was me I would pray and pray some more for the answer. No matter what your decision it's one of the hardest you will have to make! emoticon
    50 days ago
  • JACKIEWALKS4FUN
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    50 days ago
  • LIVINHEALTHY9
    That is a tough decision but I agree with the nurse.
    Your Mom wouldn't want you to miss out on seeing your son and his family. Sorry you are having to go through this.

    50 days ago
  • SLIMMERJESSE
    Not an easy decision. If you feel that you will be able to relax while you're away, no problem in going. As for me, I'd be worried the entire time and not able to enjoy myself.
    50 days ago
  • GRAMMYEAC
    Jackie,

    This is one of the things your Hospice counselor can help you through. They were wonderful with DH's father and provided good advice to the family as the children worked to come together for their last visits. One of the things they did tell them was that we all have to live our own lives to the fullest and that our presence throughout our parent's life has been fully recognized.

    Best of luck with your plans to get to Florida.
    50 days ago
  • SNOOPYLINKOS
    emoticon no easy answer but I'm a nurse and I would tell you to go. Your love and care for your mom is undeniable to all who know you.
    50 days ago
  • NEW-CAZ
    It's tough Jackie but I think if you have a word with the nurses or there should be a counselor on hand to talk it through.
    Your mum will be well cared if you decide to go emoticon
    50 days ago
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