Crohn's, Disabled , Chickens & Ducks
Monday, December 09, 2019
I've lost myself. Having been disabled and unable to continue in my career for the past two years has taken an emotional toll. That toll has lead to making it easier to rest and not move and gain over 60 lbs. I am down 19 lbs since the start of spring but it has not been consistent. I keep telling myself I can but when I do I pay the next day. Having all these medical problems does not make it easy either. I have lost myself and I finally told my husband it is time I get back to feeling me. My secondary gi recommended an enteral diet so we made the investment..thousands of dollars and I would get started then miss food. All of my Drs don't really care about my weight as I have so many autoimmune disorders and live in chronic pain. My hope is that losing some weight will help with at least the pain part that is loaded on my joints. I have never been this emotionally drained and depressed. I have become less social and as a result not included and then I get sadder, like I'm not good enough.
My husband supports me 150% , he also needs to lose weight and I worry more for him as he does not go to the Dr..he has a history of high cholesterol and his family history includes cardiac disease and diabetes.
I spend most of my time in Drs offices and in bed recovering. Every day is a challenge. Winters are always harder. Today is a new day. One shake down. I'm increasing my antidepressant today in hopes that helps, luckily this one does not cause weight gain unlike the other. I feel so broken and I want to put myself back together for the sake of my family but most importantly for myself. Today I will do it. Tiny steps. I took up birds as a way to relax and focus my free time on but there are days I can't get up to take care of them and I miss them so much and they miss me. My husband and son step in and do most of their care when this happens and yesterday my son got hurt carrying a bucket. If I could of moved and motivated myself, I could have done it. Instead I rested so that we could go out and see Pentatonix as a family. I save my spoons so that I can use them for family time. I need to use some spoons for me though. I'm now up and out of bed. I will start with my walk in closet that has piles of clothes that don't fit and sort it out. I can always reward myself with new clothes when I lose weight. I will pull out dinner for my family but don't know if I'll just have another shake. I then will go on my bike for ten minutes and make sure my drain in the fistula that I have had for two years is sufficiently padded so it does not hurt. I will drink two cups of water. I will take care of our flock. I will shower and take care our son to tennis.