Hello my sparklers!
I hope your New Year was a good one. I chose to stay home with my beloved Mac cat and just reflect on my intentions for the new year.
I'm in a completely foreign place in my life right now. I'm still trying very hard to find my feet and understand this horrific grief process. It's absolutely awful...really the worst thing I've ever faced in my entire life...and let me tell you...I've faced some pretty big challenges.
When my husband and I lost our 22-year-old son in 2006 I really wasn't sure I'd be able to go on. But I found that I needed to be strong for my husband as he was just destroyed with our son's death. I blogged my heart out salving my soul on Spark and found it to be very cathartic.
I am always truly amazed at what an amazing fellowship we sparkers all share towards each other. We are supportive, we are mostly non-judgemental, we are kind and open-hearted. We hold the hands of each other during the low points and we cheer each other on during our victories. Some of us even give each other a gentle boot in the keister when we need it!
So, all in all, we are a blend of the best that our world can offer up. I have been doing lots and lots of reflection on what my new future will look like.
I see couples together arm in arm, I see families with young children, then I see people who are facing some pretty awful challenges and I'm reminded I don't hold the corner on sadness, grief, or loss. In fact, I am pretty lucky and blessed in many areas of my life. I'm trying to focus on the luck.
I really need to concentrate on all of the many things I have to be grateful for and put together a good solid plan to make a new life that will be of service to others and to empower myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other as this new year unfolds.
It's hard...all of who have lost incredibly close loved ones have all experienced it. I do agree it's harder for those of us who have no family support moving forward. I make my family from my friends but in all honesty, it's not the same as true DNA family.
And even that is a flimsy excuse as my dear husband was at one time a stranger before we married and spent 42 years of our lives together. So we have to have faith that perhaps once again we can let a stranger come into our orbit that will bring us happiness, and strength and security. Humans are social creatures and we need to have someone to love and share experiences with.
I don't think I'll ever have the urge for a romantic relationship again...but my heart is open for a companion or a buddy, just someone to share all of the things that are important to humans for that interconnection of caring about someone more important to you than yourself.
Who knows...in the meantime I need to practice extreme self-love and be easy on myself in this foreign feeling of emptiness. I know my DH is always right by my side cheering me on towards finding myself, improving myself, loving myself, and finding my new path.
It may take me a while...perhaps a good long while but I'm game for the challenge.
When I experience the searing periods of loneliness, sadness, self-doubt and yes...I'll admit it even self-hate...from time to time because I feel so alone drifting in a two by two world now very much a single.
I have learned from my son's death that if I just 'hold on' eventually the oozing wound of my husband's loss will scab over and become less painful. I also know that grief comes in peaks and valleys and that the scab will many times get pulled off and scab over again.
I am just trying to take things day to day. I set low goals that are achievable. Sometimes one of those goals is just bailing out of bed each morning.
I know as I get stronger and develop a stronger tolerance to being completely independent and on my own I'll become stronger and as I become stronger I'll move forward in my life.
I ask myself many times over and over why have I lost BOTH of the loves in my life? Why me?
The answer always comes back because you are strong, you will take the lesson of this loss and use it to help others.
So that's it, that's all...I can only tell you to love and treasure the people you have in your life. None of us know our expiration date...so live each day to the fullest. Love everyone you possibly can...we ALL have wounds we are nursing...in 2020 just be kind.