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2020 New Year, New Decade...I'm trying my best to make it a good one!

Thursday, January 02, 2020

emoticon Hello my sparklers! emoticon

I hope your New Year was a good one. I chose to stay home with my beloved Mac cat and just reflect on my intentions for the new year.

I'm in a completely foreign place in my life right now. I'm still trying very hard to find my feet and understand this horrific grief process. It's absolutely awful...really the worst thing I've ever faced in my entire life...and let me tell you...I've faced some pretty big challenges.

When my husband and I lost our 22-year-old son in 2006 I really wasn't sure I'd be able to go on. But I found that I needed to be strong for my husband as he was just destroyed with our son's death. I blogged my heart out salving my soul on Spark and found it to be very cathartic.

I am always truly amazed at what an amazing fellowship we sparkers all share towards each other. We are supportive, we are mostly non-judgemental, we are kind and open-hearted. We hold the hands of each other during the low points and we cheer each other on during our victories. Some of us even give each other a gentle boot in the keister when we need it!

So, all in all, we are a blend of the best that our world can offer up. I have been doing lots and lots of reflection on what my new future will look like.

I see couples together arm in arm, I see families with young children, then I see people who are facing some pretty awful challenges and I'm reminded I don't hold the corner on sadness, grief, or loss. In fact, I am pretty lucky and blessed in many areas of my life. I'm trying to focus on the luck. emoticon

I really need to concentrate on all of the many things I have to be grateful for and put together a good solid plan to make a new life that will be of service to others and to empower myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other as this new year unfolds.

It's hard...all of who have lost incredibly close loved ones have all experienced it. I do agree it's harder for those of us who have no family support moving forward. I make my family from my friends but in all honesty, it's not the same as true DNA family.

And even that is a flimsy excuse as my dear husband was at one time a stranger before we married and spent 42 years of our lives together. So we have to have faith that perhaps once again we can let a stranger come into our orbit that will bring us happiness, and strength and security. Humans are social creatures and we need to have someone to love and share experiences with.

I don't think I'll ever have the urge for a romantic relationship again...but my heart is open for a companion or a buddy, just someone to share all of the things that are important to humans for that interconnection of caring about someone more important to you than yourself.

Who knows...in the meantime I need to practice extreme self-love and be easy on myself in this foreign feeling of emptiness. I know my DH is always right by my side cheering me on towards finding myself, improving myself, loving myself, and finding my new path.

It may take me a while...perhaps a good long while but I'm game for the challenge.

When I experience the searing periods of loneliness, sadness, self-doubt and yes...I'll admit it even self-hate...from time to time because I feel so alone drifting in a two by two world now very much a single.

I have learned from my son's death that if I just 'hold on' eventually the oozing wound of my husband's loss will scab over and become less painful. I also know that grief comes in peaks and valleys and that the scab will many times get pulled off and scab over again.

I am just trying to take things day to day. I set low goals that are achievable. Sometimes one of those goals is just bailing out of bed each morning.

I know as I get stronger and develop a stronger tolerance to being completely independent and on my own I'll become stronger and as I become stronger I'll move forward in my life.

I ask myself many times over and over why have I lost BOTH of the loves in my life? Why me?

The answer always comes back because you are strong, you will take the lesson of this loss and use it to help others.

So that's it, that's all...I can only tell you to love and treasure the people you have in your life. None of us know our expiration date...so live each day to the fullest. Love everyone you possibly can...we ALL have wounds we are nursing...in 2020 just be kind. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are stronger than you know! Sending many HUGS and deep prayers!
    44 days ago
    emoticon I understand how you must feel.
    48 days ago
    Such a touching blog. You are a strong woman and you will at some point be able to remember your DH without so much grief. You were blessed to have such a wonderful man be your side for all those years. You are doing what you need to do. One day at a time and go with whatever you are feeling at that moment.
    I agree what you say about Spark friends being supportive and there for each other.
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    49 days ago
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    50 days ago
    bobbi it takes a long time to get over grief may you lean on us when you can . when you are ready one step at a time you will forge a new life with your husband and son right by your side cheering you on , Hugs
    50 days ago
    Bobbi, it took me awhile to finally get through my emails but this blog was certainly worth the read. You are such a remarkable person. Yes, these very difficult lessons in life can either break us or we can learn something from them to pass along to others. My counselor and I talked about that just yesterday.

    You are doing a great job of holding on!
    50 days ago
    It is a long difficult journey to overcome the loss of a loved one, particularly your DH who was your support and light, I really appreciate your really honest and moving comments about the journey of recovering from loss. emoticon
    50 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon you will get through this, be kind to yourself.
    50 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    When I experienced profound losses in my life and asked, "Why me?", one of my wise friends said, "Why not you?"
    IT was very humbling,, thinking of Jesus.. that stopped me from saying it.
    You will scab over and the scar will be a badge of courage, faith, and love for those you lost...
    50 days ago
    Just be careful with some of those guys at the Grief Meetings, especially that one that is looking for "those that will do for now" They are all over out there. lol
    50 days ago
    You are in a difficult place right now..and you will get through it even on the days that it seems you won't You are strong and you have survived much...it is important to think on all the good in your life at this time...Sometimes when we are hurting it is hard to see it..and it is there...I am glad you write your blogs..it is good for you and good for us to know how to love and support you
    50 days ago
    My heart aches for you but I know sooner or later, we all
    will walk a similar path. Do what is best for you. The dark
    days will pass. HUGS!
    50 days ago
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    I cannot fathom...

    You are indeed an inspiration and an example for others, likely many you don't even know.

    one of my favorite songs by Jackson Browne sums it up well:
    Just do the steps that you've been shown
    By everyone you've ever known
    Until the dance becomes your very own
    No matter how close to yours another's steps have grown
    In the end there is one dance you'll do alone
    Keep a fire for the human race
    And let your prayers go drifting into space
    You never know what will be coming down
    Perhaps a better world is drawing near
    And just as easily, it could all disappear
    Along with whatever meaning you might have found
    Don't let the uncertainty turn you around
    (The world keeps turning around and around)
    Go on and make a joyful sound
    Into a dancer you have grown
    From a seed somebody else has thrown
    Go on ahead and throw some seeds of your own
    And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go
    May lie a reason you were alive that you'll never know

    You are always in my prayers, Bobbi!
    50 days ago
    I really admire you for your wisdom that you share with us. I am happy that you have the Mackie kitty to help you and to those that think it is just a cat I feel sorry that they won’t experience the love and loyalty a pet brings to our life. Of course they can’t replace a loved person but they sure are a comfort. I have 2 kitties that I consider my adopted children. I don’t know if I would even be here without them. emoticon 😺😺
    50 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    Bobbi, once again this is a very touching blog. What can I say.....we will,all,be in your shoes one day. It is just the way of life. I so admire you how you have handled this and it really scares me thinking what I may have in my future. My hubby definitely has his issues right now and we are taking it one day at a time.
    50 days ago
    Thank you for those wise word, Bobbi.
    This has got to be one of the hardest things a woman can ever go through...and you are twice struckdown with that grief.
    My heart goes out to you.
    50 days ago
    Bobbi, thank you for writing this blog. You inspire me to appreciate each one in my family and progress with kindness each step I take. You are a woman I truly admire.
    50 days ago
    50 days ago
    It's a very tough place, I know. Hope 2020 brings wonderful things your way. Big hug.
    50 days ago
    That's how Ken and I started out. We were running buddies for about a year and then things got more involved. Now I'm happily married, he will never be as special as my late husband and he understands this. I know how lucky I am to have met two wonderful men..
    It sounds like you have a good attitude about this. Running buddies are great, who knows what might happen.
    God bless you emoticon
    50 days ago
    Bobbi, I am sending you prayers and love.
    50 days ago
    So glad to read this blog Bobbi. I have been worried about you. The loss is debilitating in so many ways. I'm still grieving my moms passing and terribly frightened of losing my eldest daughter this year to terminal cancer. I love your honesty. Hugs
    50 days ago
    Your blog touched my heart.
    I so agree with you with you say about a DNA family...
    But Bobbi you have many friends who love you dearly. They are here to support you. emoticon
    50 days ago
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