[Ignore. Just anxiety-driven rantings]
Tuesday, January 14, 2020
My anxiety is high today. My girlfriend had found some of my old postings on a social media site, from when we were dating last. I had approached the relationship differently last time. I never expected it to last, because she is this awesome woman and I'm me. This time I'm going in with the hopes and mindset of it lasting forever.
I'm just worried I messed it up. I'm not sorry she found it. I told her before that I would never lie to her, and I meant that. I was in a bad place when I made the comments. I used some absolutes (words like "never" and "always") where I really shouldn't have. I intentionally withheld those thoughts from her specifically because I didn't want her to worry. There was one comment in particular that I'm kicking myself for. I said that I couldn't see being married to her or dating long term. That's not correct. I trust my vision a lot and there were too many things moving around for me to establish a vision. And she was in a slump. It's not an excuse, but it was like bad+bad. I am not sure if I want her to forgive me or not because, in reality, I feel like I need to earn her forgiveness and trust again. I feel like a kid who was caught doing something bad. I keep asking myself what do I feel sorry for and there are three answers. One is that I shouldn't have posted ONLY when negative thoughts were affecting me. I should have posted some things when I was in a positive mindset. Two was that I hurt her and made her distrustful of the stability of the relationship and my feelings. Three is that I haven't yet told her the extent of my feelings now, and how much I miss her every morning I wake up and when I go to sleep, and every time I return home, and every moment of happiness, because I want her to experience my happiness too, but not my sorrow. I want to shield her from my sorrow, and I think I was trying to do that. I was trying to work my way out of the darkness, while not letting her know the darkness was even there. I don't know how to apologize or what for, but I want her to be happy. I broke up with her on Labor Day 2018, and every day since I've wished for her happiness. Every wish I got, whether from a fallen star or a fallen eyelash, I wished for her to find happiness, whether that's with me or not. But best intentions don't always work out so well. I want her to know I'm sorry, but I'm not sure how to express it other than simply saying "I'm sorry."