Thursday, January 23, 2020
I'm stumbling. Last night was a stumble. What triggered me was beyond my control -- daughter up for hours coughing, no sleep, frustration, stress about how to earn money after I leave my job in August, a parent meeting after school today with troubled student's parents. My reaction to all of that when I couldn't sleep was I got up and I ate and ate. I filled myself up with anything that seems decadent, rewarding, off limits, anything that seemed like "me time". When I still couldn't sleep at 2:30 AM, I finally sat straight up in bed, walked downstairs to my husband's mini-fridge like a robot and got a beer. I didn't even hesitate. I had no more cushion left, no more will-power, no more reason not to. I just wanted it all to stop for a bit. I was hoping it would help me relax and sleep finally. I downed it. I kept waiting for the warm relaxation feeling to come. It didn't.
I haven't had a drink in a month and a half. I was trying to stop completely again. I don't know how I feel about it now. All I know is that I was tired of trying so hard. Tired of feeling everything so deeply with no respite. Tired of meditating and working a job I don't like anymore, and having to live from a place of obligation versus joy. Trying to pump myself up each morning by journaling in my gratitude journal. Tired of saying no to wine with friends, when everyone else gets to say yes. Tired of hustling after what I should do next, tired of the burden of our immense mortgage weighing on my shoulders, tired of having no time or energy to take care of things - go to the post office, make returns at Target, exercise again, put away laundry. Tired of trying to stay up and positive, when what I really feel is panicked about the future, exhausted, and joyless.
Whew. That's a lot. But it's true. It's true. I'm trying so hard to do all the right things, the healthy things. I'm trying to make right choices. I'm trying to feel the difficult feelings without numbing. I'm trying to stay with the uncertainty all of the time. I think I'm resenting it now. Is the binge eating or drinking my rebellion to my life circumstances I feel like I have no control over? Is it a toddler tantrum screaming, "You can't make me!" Is it just years of bad habits after having kids and caring for others, then finally having me time?
I don't know. All I know is that I feel a bit broken down today. And I'm not sure how to proceed from here.