A Major Turning Point for me
Monday, May 18, 2020
I am a substantially sized person. Always have been. It’s mostly due to the hormonal issues of PCOS that was never acknowledged, diagnosed, or treated until I was 42, and by that time it was too late to do much about it.
I was first forced to exercise because I was “too fat” at the age of 4. My father called me a pregnant elephant, and that was one of the nicest things he ever said about me. I was forced to go to weight watchers at the age of 10. So food, body image, dieting, and exercise have always been a struggle, with heap loads of shame and guilt that I was a horrible person solely because of my size. I've lost jobs solely because of my size! It wasn't illegal back then. Still isn't, sadly.
Basically, I’ve been perpetually dieting/changing my nutritional habits for 53 years, making very little progress despite the Herculean efforts.
But here’s the happy. I finally had a bit of an AHA moment last week: Even at the weight I am now, even if I never lose another pound, this weight right here represents a 45 pound loss from my highest weight, and it is a loss which I have basically maintained for 15 years. I too often forget or even discount that, because “it isn’t enough. I’m still way too big.” But if I don’t give myself credit for that feat, which is a big one, I will continue being ashamed and miserable. And that’s no way to live. And 45 pounds represents a 15% loss of body weight which I have successfully maintained since 2005. Given PCOS, really, this is a big deal.
So I am taking the time to celebrate this awesomeness, and really let it sink in that while others may assess me based on my size, I need to celebrate who I am and the many incredible odds I have overcome just to greet this day. From nearly dying as a very preterm infant at a time when there were no NICUs, through an uncle shooting me (with the intent to kill) at the age of 4, car accidents and being pushed down stairs and a whole host of other really bad bad things, I am alive and (mostly) well today, and I am accepting that 15-year-maintained 45 pound loss as a true victory, regardless of whether I ever lose another ounce/gram.
I have a real struggle accepting my size. I decided last week to Just. Stop. It doesn’t help. Neither does looking at myself as, literally, a Big Fat Failure. It’s time to let all that go and just be me, all wonderful poundage of me, and to hello with anyone who judges me otherwise. That’s their issue, not mine.
I have never felt happier than I have in the past few weeks. A lot of things are resolving for me, because I made some important decisions and stopped being so incredibly self-critical. Doesn’t mean I’m perfect, but constantly berating myself holds me back from being authentic and present.
There is nothing wrong with a change in eating. I support everyone here in your efforts. I haven’t stopped being careful with my food. I am stopping the harsh judging of myself about all of it. I think that might make the difference.
This is my happy. I embrace it as success and stop looking at myself as a failure.
Thank you for your support.