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Self defeating

Friday, July 31, 2020

A year ago this month, I retired my stethoscope. I loved my nursing career, but it was time to move on and make the most of my golden years. My biggest regret during my career was my obesity. My job was incredibly stressful and I turned to food for comfort. As the pounds stacked on, my motivation withered, and I found I no longer worked out. My weight was an all time high...and I was ashamed. I hated pictures of myself, and made sure I was in the back row to hide most of my glorious self. I smiled my best smile, but my inner conscious was so ashamed of who I had become.

A few months later, I had my annual physical. We discussed my weight and my desire to lose. I had been doing some research on plant-based diets, and the theories that it helps to reduce inflammation. (I suffer from idio-eczema) She listened carefully and then said that reducing calorie Intake, in general, will go a long way in weight reduction and will also eliminate processed foods, which may contribute to the inflammation. She also suggested I aim for 10,000 steps/day. In other words, keep it simple.

And so, I got serious. I made my start date and weight that very day, vowing a better commitment to myself. November 8, 2019 was when I took back my life. I realized that I am in control. My new job was to focus on my health. I researched and read, and ultimately discovered that my phone has a health app, Samsung Health. I plugged in my numbers, and started paying attention to the feedback. I tried Noom, the two week trial. I really liked it. You log in, read an article, and take an interactive quiz every day. It logged your steps and activity, and logged your nutrition. I lost 6 pounds during the trial period. I soon realized that most of my obesity was due to my response to stress, and lack of motivation. When it came time to commit to it and pay the hefty price for a six month membership, I bailed. I already knew that everything I enjoyed about Noom, could be found on SparkPeople. So I deleted the Noom app account and resurrected my SparkPeople account.

Today, I use both the Samsung Health app, and SparkPeople. I like to compare the food tracking and fitness between the two. I’ve been doing this since mid-December. And 43 pounds later, I can say it is working for me. But I had a moment yesterday. I succumbed to self doubt and fear of failure.

On the anniversary date of my retirement, I took a selfie wearing the same outfit I wore on my last day of work. I intended to post it on Facebook, alongside one of the pics my friends took of me on that day. However, I didn’t think it was very good. It didn’t show my weight loss very well. The top was baggy, but you couldn’t tell in the picture. It’s a navy color and looks like a tent...which is basically what I wore 43 pounds ago. So I ditched the picture. And never posted to Facebook. I wanted more of a Wow difference.

Yesterday, I took a box laden with all of my 2XXL tops and bottoms that no longer fit to Goodwill. It was a proud moment to be rid of it! Yet, in the back of my mind was self doubt. She is lingering still...casting shadows on my small victories. The problem is, as I am fitting into clothes that I’ve saved all these years (ever the optimist), I am also seeing pictures of myself wearing these clothes many years ago. In those pictures, I am overweight. Obese, actually. For some reason, this lightbulb moment resonated with me that is just deflating. I should be celebrating my victory in losing this weight. But the reality is, I’ve been there before. I’ve lost weight and regained it, and then more, so many times. A true yo-yo weight loss story.

Will I make it to my goal? Will I fall off the wagon? My will and determination is faltering a bit here...and all because I dropped off a box of clothing at Goodwill. I am afraid of failing myself again. But getting rid of extra large clothing is something I’ve never done before. In the past, I stored them...just in case. I don’t have a “just in case” anymore. I only have the “now”. This is where I am now. On the precipice. There is no looking back. I must look forward. I must try to visualize myself smaller still...and fit. Able to do things I haven’t done in years. That will be my focus.

A new year...a new me. Onward...not looking back. And I am thankful for SparkPeople for always being there. Ups and Downs....a supportive community sharing one thing in common. A better self. Self love. I am worthy...but humble.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Excellent blog and even better job losing all those 43 pounds. You’re getting the fruits of your consistency! Tell us your beauty secrets, please!
    Other place to donate clothes is to “Women in distress”. They help women who escape from abusive relationships and many times do it without any more clothes to wear. Also, there are places who give used clothes to women who are looking for jobs but they don’t have money to buy outfits. Just ideas for your next package of 1X clothes to be donated! emoticon
    59 days ago
  • CAROLJ35
    Stick to Spark People and you won't regain that weight. It used to be we went on a "diet" and couldn't wait until it ended, then went back to old habits and re-gained the weight. With SP we learn to eat everything in smaller amounts and have enough pride in ourselves to keep the weight off.
    I've belonged to SP for 12 years and sign on every day, read, try to encourage others, etc.
    YOU CAN DO IT!!!
    59 days ago
    Forty-three pounds is a significant amount of weight, and you lost it in a relatively short time! You'll continue to succeed because you're at a different point in your life. You are able to focus on your health, not your job, not your kids, and you have the wisdom gained from those other attempts. It's completely natural to have those moments of doubt, but you know deep down that those moments are just that - a short moment in time.
    As the saying goes, "This too shall pass." emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    59 days ago
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    60 days ago
    Very well written. I get your self doubt. That is why we are here. But wow! How impressive!! Great job! You do know there is still a lot of stress out there and you are doing fantastic. I was proud I didn't gain during the pandemic but you are still losing. That says a lot about you. You got this!
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    60 days ago
    I completely understand! I have clothes in my closet in MANY sizes!
    60 days ago
    60 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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