Feeling down over several things I can't control
Tuesday, September 01, 2020
Most of the optimism and determination that pushed me to recover after surgery has dissapated, and for a couple of weeks now I've been fighting panic. Panic and not feeling great, part of which is because my eating habits deteriorated, too. Right now I've convinced myself that I can try to manage what I can, and getting back to what I was doing a month ago is a good idea. Feeling down will pass, which I should know because I've been here several times.
A couple of weeks ago I had a fitting for my wedding dress and the seamstress made a few quick changes to the dress that made it suit me much better. It's still a little more of a generic dress than I would like, but it's going to be very pretty anyway. The rest of the wedding planning is going well, with most things on schedule. I'm hoping to get excited about it again soon, since there's no reason for me not to be. I do get a little bit of a vibe from my fiance's family that I was good enough to be a girlfriend but not good enough to be a wife, but that may just be me. I think I've said before that they are all thin, and they think thinness is important. It's not just that, though. His family is full of professional women and I was a stay at home mom who has never been a career person. Most of the time I don't feel bad about it, because I loved staying home with my kids. But it does mean that between being sickly ( asthma, depression and anxiety problems and Hashimoto's) and not having had a career I have no money of my own, which doesn't bother my fiance but not everyone is like him. Or, I don't know, maybe I can see why they wouldn't be impressed with me. I'm not saying they're right. I know I'm good for my fiance. It took him months and months to stop expecting me to criticize him all the time, which isn't really the kind of thing I do. I'm better at building people up and he's had surprisingly little of that in his life.
He's good for me, too. So eventually it won't matter what his family thinks, and I know it. Thin and accomplished isn't the same thing as happy, and even if it was there are other ways to be happy. I imagine I'll always be a bit curvy, and being super thin isn't even one of my goals. Being a better, healthier cook is. Taking care of and building up my family and the people in his family who will let me is also a goal. It doesn't look good on a resume and it will never bring in lots of money, but I think it's important anyway.
I'm doing my best to hunker down and get through being a bit depressed and very anxious so I won't have too much catch up work to do when I do feel better. I'm hoping it happens soon!