SAPHRAEL
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Seeking Gratitude

Sunday, September 06, 2020


My view today

My mug of bulletproof chai tea

Good morning, sunshine! I was journaling today about this obsessive seeking mode I’m in and thought I’d post it here in hopes that it might help someone else.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been future focused, a day dreamer. The problem with it is that it steals the joy of living TODAY. The topics come and go, but it’s always something. Instead of being where my feet are and fully enjoying what I have and who I’m with RIGHT NOW, I’m always seeking. I want my kids to visit even though I know they can’t yet. I want to be on the water, so I spend oodles of time scanning facebook groups and planning only to talk myself out of it at the last minute because I don’t want to go alone. I’m constantly searching for gadgets and housewares for my home or my kids’ new place. And I recently started searching for beachfront properties on Zillow, daydreaming about retiring to the beach and wondering if I could buy it sooner than later. On the one hand, it could be a wise investment strategy, but really, it’s just another symptom of this future focus that I have that limits me from enjoying life TODAY.

But hey, I’m a creative problem solver, so what am I gonna do about it? I have a few tools up my sleeve. First, I know I need to get out of my head and take action. What are the behaviors I want to address?
1. Amazon shopping. Stop this. I don’t need a thing and the kids need to get settled before they can formulate a wish list. Done.
2. Searching for places to paddle and hike. Stop this. I know where I’d like to go. Take action by setting up an outing. Nobody else wants to go solo either!
3. Zillow searches. Stop this. Take action by discussing retirement investments with DH. If he’s on board, include him in the planning and make it happen. Don’t squander time browsing when you know nothing will come of it.

My general guidance to myself is to stop dwelling on tomorrow and maximize today. And then get clear on what that looks like for me today. Here’s where resistance comes in because I don’t want to accept what I think is likely, which is squandering the day shuffling around the house.

And then I realize much of my problem is how I frame it. I wanted to go to the beach today, but didn’t feel like driving an hour. My husband checked me and said “you have a beautiful lake right in your backyard.” He was referring to our pool and of course, it’s not the same, but I’m grateful for the shift in perspective. Which reminds me of another useful tool to help me: take yourself out of the center of the story. When it’s not all about you, objectivity is much easier.

So, here I sit in front of the pool with my bulletproof tea. It’s 76 and the sun hasn’t come over the house yet, there are a few mockingbirds going through their repertoire, and anything on my to-do list is entirely optional. I’m okay not seeing my kids because I know they’re safe and traveling would add risk. I’ll be satisfied with FaceTime until the time is right. I am willing and able to meet new people that share my interests and hobbies. I am willing and able to make those connections so I don’t have to do things alone.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BBFABSTAR
    🌺 beautiful & inspirational.
    50 days ago
  • 4CYNDI
    Wow! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. I needed to see this today. I too have been dreaming my life away. Great ideas for getting out of this mindset.
    51 days ago
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