What a year!! Ugly depression

Has this been one horrible year? I had open heart surgery in April and I and slowly making my way back to health. After the surgery I was once again over weight by about 30lbs. Some water weight. Most just comfort food and too little exercise.

I am finally back on track with my food but still struggling with getting out and walking. I know once I get a good walk/run program the world will look brighter. Every walk is effort right now. I know the benefits . For me I know it will help with the depression.

Oh yes depression has hit me hard. I cry more days during the week than not crying. It’s not the type of crying that makes you feel better. More like the crying that leaves you feeling so hopeless . My lows have been real low. Scary low. Medication has been changed from antidepressants to a mood stabilizer. That seems to help. I also suffer from insomnia. Finally they found a pill that worked wonders. Now our rural clinic has decided it has addiction tendencies if abused so they will no longer be prescribing it. Boils down to federal grants and savings on insurance. I can still get them I just need to see a specialist. It’s a mess and sent me on a tail spin. I will see a phycologist mid December and maybe learn what’s going on. I have had depression before but never like this.

So what am I doing. I drag myself out of bed. Around 4 am. I am back to quilting and have been teaching both my daughter and granddaughter. This is a positive. I also manage to get at least 30 minutes of walking 3-4 days a week. I am planing a get away to warmer climate and fellowship with a couple spark friends. My running which I know will do wonders for my moods has just become hard. Not hard physically just getting in the right mindset.

Other things I am doing. No news or very little. I was watching too much and being retired. Correctional officer I have just seen such ugly treatment to people who on the most part are very good. The anger, hatred, and complete disrespect has shown me a side of humanity that for me is painful. What happened to the respect for office and profession. This also goes for the president . 4 years of what I feel was non stop harassing. When did we become that country?

I did not vote for Biden but I will respect the office and not down talk him. There seems to be a turn in the country I just can’t understand. A meanness, a lack of even trying to understand others views. That has always been what was special about the US. We never used to be a cancel culture? I am trying to see past the hatred and anger. Right now I fight it within myself. Us farmers in the middle of the country once again have no voice. Honestly dose either the west coast or east coast have any idea where their food comes from?

That’s my early morning rant. Today my daughter is having a scope done. This is in prep for the gastric sleeve that is scheduled for the 9th of December (depending what COVID decides to do.) Please pray for her and also for me.

It’s hard to reach out when depression hits. I am reaching out.