LDYHAZ
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What a year!! Ugly depression

Wednesday, December 02, 2020

Has this been one horrible year? I had open heart surgery in April and I and slowly making my way back to health. After the surgery I was once again over weight by about 30lbs. Some water weight. Most just comfort food and too little exercise.

I am finally back on track with my food but still struggling with getting out and walking. I know once I get a good walk/run program the world will look brighter. Every walk is effort right now. I know the benefits . For me I know it will help with the depression.

Oh yes depression has hit me hard. I cry more days during the week than not crying. It’s not the type of crying that makes you feel better. More like the crying that leaves you feeling so hopeless . My lows have been real low. Scary low. Medication has been changed from antidepressants to a mood stabilizer. That seems to help. I also suffer from insomnia. Finally they found a pill that worked wonders. Now our rural clinic has decided it has addiction tendencies if abused so they will no longer be prescribing it. Boils down to federal grants and savings on insurance. I can still get them I just need to see a specialist. It’s a mess and sent me on a tail spin. I will see a phycologist mid December and maybe learn what’s going on. I have had depression before but never like this.

So what am I doing. I drag myself out of bed. Around 4 am. I am back to quilting and have been teaching both my daughter and granddaughter. This is a positive. I also manage to get at least 30 minutes of walking 3-4 days a week. I am planing a get away to warmer climate and fellowship with a couple spark friends. My running which I know will do wonders for my moods has just become hard. Not hard physically just getting in the right mindset.

Other things I am doing. No news or very little. I was watching too much and being retired. Correctional officer I have just seen such ugly treatment to people who on the most part are very good. The anger, hatred, and complete disrespect has shown me a side of humanity that for me is painful. What happened to the respect for office and profession. This also goes for the president . 4 years of what I feel was non stop harassing. When did we become that country?

I did not vote for Biden but I will respect the office and not down talk him. There seems to be a turn in the country I just can’t understand. A meanness, a lack of even trying to understand others views. That has always been what was special about the US. We never used to be a cancel culture? I am trying to see past the hatred and anger. Right now I fight it within myself. Us farmers in the middle of the country once again have no voice. Honestly dose either the west coast or east coast have any idea where their food comes from?

That’s my early morning rant. Today my daughter is having a scope done. This is in prep for the gastric sleeve that is scheduled for the 9th of December (depending what COVID decides to do.) Please pray for her and also for me.

It’s hard to reach out when depression hits. I am reaching out.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • TRENTDREAMER
    "Has this been one horrible year?"
    * I'll take a very fringe/controversial/unpopular stand on this topic.....Yes it has!

    "I am finally back on track with my food but still struggling with getting out and walking. "
    * Basic exercising has been a struggle for me as well.

    "Oh yes depression has hit me hard. I cry more days during the week than not crying. It’s not the type of crying that makes you feel better. More like the crying that leaves you feeling so hopeless ."
    * emoticon emoticon

    "Finally they found a pill that worked wonders. Now our rural clinic has decided it has addiction tendencies if abused so they will no longer be prescribing it."
    * Ugh. sorry to hear.

    " I am back to quilting and have been teaching both my daughter and granddaughter. This is a positive. "
    * That is so awesome :)

    "A meanness, a lack of even trying to understand others views. That has always been what was special about the US. We never used to be a cancel culture? I am trying to see past the hatred and anger."
    * Yeah, My alter-ego just blogged about this. Discussions have become obscenely nasty and polarized.

    "Today my daughter is having a scope done. This is in prep for the gastric sleeve that is scheduled for the 9th of December (depending what COVID decides to do.) Please pray for her and also for me."
    * emoticon emoticon prayer said

    "It’s hard to reach out when depression hits. I am reaching out."
    * Glad that you did.
    87 days ago
  • BJAEGER307
    emoticon
    88 days ago
  • KATRINAKAT23
    I too have depression, since childhood basically. At least you are trying, keep on, this too shall pass.👍🙏🏻
    88 days ago
  • KATRINAKAT23
    I too have depression, since childhood basically. At least you are trying, keep on, this too shall pass.👍🙏🏻
    89 days ago
  • ONEKIDSMOM
    emoticon So GOOD to hear from you, and so glad you are recovering physically and working on the depression, getting help. Prayers for both your daughter and you, and for the hospital system, which has been so challenged by the surges in the pandemic. I really feel for the nurses and doctors who are working so hard to help ALL of us.

    Out here, we *do* have to defend that we are the source of the food supply, and it does put us at higher risk. Farming has never been a risk-free profession. People I have known have lost limbs and lives to augers and accidents. Add the distance from help, and the reliance on neighbors.

    I am proud that there are those who like myself respect the way our election system works, and accept that there will be swings in which party wins, and do not pay as much attention to what's shown on the various news sources. I think I'm living in two different countries when I switch from TV coverage to radio, which seems to lean another direction entirely. I have come to mistrust both, and believe in my heart that people are just people, trying to live their lives. I am happiest when I turn it ALL off and focus on things like the food I eat (thank you, farmers) and the motion of putting one foot in front of another on a walk.

    Much love... and prayers for a hopeful and improving life! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    89 days ago
  • READY201811
    I have thought of you so often and missed you so much. Wow your daughter and your relationship has come this far and mended to this level is encouraging. There are days I just sit and do nothing. Nothing. Can’t go anywhere, do anything, can’t sleep, gym went bankrupt, small town coffee shop permanently closed, and I cry. Covid has taken so much. Changed so much and my normal isn’t normal
    Missed you and will be praying as I have been but now know more of specific needs. Thanks for reaching out
    89 days ago
  • GOING-STRONG
    Hugs Hugs Hugs! Life can sure be tough and 2020 has been a knock out challenge for sure. Eating right and exercise does wonders when I’m in a depression, but getting to the right mindset is really tough. I’m right there with you girlfriend and looking forward to having some good times in 2021. emoticon
    89 days ago
  • HMBROWN1
    I hope that you are able to get what you need for your depression. I hope that you have a better day today!
    89 days ago
  • SNUZYQ2
    Yes...it’s very hard to reach out when depression hits, but here you are. Good for you! You and your daughter both have my prayers. I’m so glad you’re getting professional treatment for your depression. And that you’re exercising...and that you’re interacting with your daughter and granddaughter on quilting and are enjoying it. Anytime your mind drifts off into the negative, don’t let it build a nest in your hair...guide your thoughts into goods things...your precious grandchildren...a colorful sunrise or sunset...a hot cup of tea or coffee...the warmth of a blanket about you...your slow, but sure, recovery from your open heart surgery...your gladness to be alive and be truly loved...because you are. Focus on all that you are truly grateful for and think about why you’re grateful for those things. Forgive yourself when you cry...it’s not really you...it’s your condition that’s making that happen. Embrace it because it is what it is and then let it go. You may notice that your crying spells come and go like the waves of the sea. Let them...it’s okay. You will get better, a little at a time...I promise! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    89 days ago
  • LOF7203
    Thanks for sharing
    89 days ago
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