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I'm not THAT important nor impressive

Wednesday, January 06, 2021

My latest mental/behavioral changes to change my pride and how it affects my depression

I have been looking into what I do and how much of it is to feel special (even when know one know what I am doing-- in case they ever find out or ask-- I want to say something impressive).

One area is I read non-fiction books about spirituality to learn and be "a good Christian". But the truth is my life has changed very little in the last few years. Same with self help books. I feel like a good person working on myself...but rarely do I continue with what I read and then I have to re-learn the concepts down the line.

SO I have the pressure "to be better" and reading these books made me feel accomplished, important, productive, doing the right thing, special. (PRIDE)

I used to think it was solely because I felt unworthy to live as I am...that I had to continually work on myself to be worthy to live. And that may be a huge part of it.

But I need to look at the fact that I am not really changing-- just reading voraciously "thinking" I am getting to be a better person....but in reality nothing is changing.

So I have stopped some of the books I was reading. I had some that I was only reading because in certain circles they are important books. I thought by reading them I'd be special and part of the group. But I don't run in those circles anyway. So the knowledge in these books is wasted on me actually. I might as well read a mystery and enjoy it. The truth is, as long as we are not self-destructive, people do not care what we are doing with our free time. I am impressing no one.

Letting these things go ( and other things besides the books,) it is taking a bit of a toll on my depression.

I am no longer doing things that I thought were impressive to others. Now I have to adjust to the reality-- I am not impressive (which that thought helped keep my depression from getting much worse than it already gets)

I am an average person and life on the daily is not full of important accomplishments.

Regular, non-eventful days seem very bland to me.

Anyway-- I have been spending more time listening to my son and watching his game clips with him. Since I don't have anything "important and impressive" I have to get back to...then I have no excuse to rush out of his room and cut him off/ make him feel he is interrupting me and an intrusion.

It is difficult because I am not at all interested in his gaming or rap music and that is all he wants to talk about. I have to force myself to pay attention. But he is a bit kinder now that I am changing. He hasn't said he noticed but I notice his change towards me. So it is good.

It is just a big paradigm shift.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I would say to you that I find you very important AND impressive. The first time I SparkMailed you it was to ask if I could grab something from your SparkPage. A quote from Golda Meir ... ‘Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.’ That was life changing for me. Then another time you shared, ‘Encouraging Christian Quotes about Life and God.’ That was on October 29, 2019. I saved the entire piece and will go back and read it from time to time. You see, you never know how your words have helped another going through life just as you. Thank you and I truly mean that. You are quite special!
    9 days ago
    Never concern yourself with impressing others , not even yourself. The most important relationship you will ever have is with God- father , Son and Holy Spirit. You do not have to impress God, he loves us as is and wants to help us follow him as he knows we can not without him. You have no one to impress so just Be.

    I wish you and your son could find something you both would enjoy doing together. I think family counseling might help. ??

    Make a list of things you truly enjoy doing and do more of these to counter balance the negatives in your life.

    I love reading the Bible and self help books too. To just read is not enough if some kind of action does not follow as the act of reading does not change your life, it is actions taken on what you read that produces change. emoticon

    31 days ago
    Wow, I sure dig this blog. And I'm encouraged by reading this. I'm writing an email to you but wanted to post this here. I know you are keeping in mind that Jesus is the star of this movie, so to speak. He's got this, and we are His Beloved. There are seasons where I've got to put things away, down, aside, some end up that way forever. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

    Peace to you, sister.
    41 days ago
    You are starting that pattern all over again. Don't let your son get you down. Remember God made you and HE know what your purpose is. If there is something YOU think you need to change so you can work for God then work on that. emoticon
    51 days ago
    God's call to us is not that we be impressive or that we get the acclaim of other people. It is for us to be the person He created us to be. Letting go of all of our desires that lead in different directions is the first step to that. Welcome to the journey!
    53 days ago
    Malcolm needs you and I am glad you are there. It has to be hard when he is totally involved in his games.
    Prayers for him.

    Oh! My! I understand. I look back at my life and I see clearly I was not doing what I needed to do. I keep trying to face the part. What I have done and what I have left undone.

    Prayers for us.
    53 days ago
    I think you’ll find that if you focus on impressing yourself, others will be impressed by you as well 😊 The biggest inspirations I have found are those who don’t care about others, but do it for themselves 😊
    53 days ago
    Unless you have something you do that is terrible or illegal, learn to recognize your positives and focus on them. Start by liking yourself! You are good enough. No one is perfect. emoticon emoticon
    53 days ago
  • CHID1972
    You are exactly who God wants you to be and I am certain the people closest to you feel that you are irreplaceable and loved! I too am a people pleaser and I am working on pleasing myself and loving me!
    53 days ago
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