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WHat is holding me back?

Thursday, January 14, 2021

(Taken at Longwood Gardens a few years ago)

As I was planning my day and my to do list today, I was not feeling motivated. ALthough I wanted to feel like making progress, I was just not feeling it.
I asked myself what is holding me back? Memories starting flooding in.
I remember being a very young child, sitting on the porch playing with a doll. My younger sister was crying and throwing a fit, SHe wanted my doll. Mom came out and told me to give her my doll so she would stop crying. I felt so sad and worthless. I felt unimportant. I gave her the doll, she was happy but I wasn't.
ANother memory of a neighbor who used to bully me, torture me, every day on the way to and from school. I never fought back. I just took the abuse. I knew there was no use in telling anyone, because no one would come to my defense. I was the oldest of five kids, and it was my job to take care of everyone else. No one ever took care of me.
the message of my childhood, from my point of view, was that I was responsible for everyone else. If anything happened it was always my fault. I was invisible as a person. I was unlovable and worthless.
Though the years, as much as I have tried to overcome these negative self doubts, I still struggle with them. I have learned to look on the sunny side of things. I have become positive in my outlook. I tell myself I am loved, by my husband, my children, my grandchildren and my friends.
All of those experiences as a child have affected me. I know they can hold me back from success on my healthy lifestyle.
SO when the child in me says - You are worthless; I say I am worthy.
WHen the child says you are a failure, you cannot do anything right; I tell myself I may stumble, but I can get right back up and move forward.
WHen the child says, no one loves you; I say I am loved, by my heavenly Father, by my family, by my friends.
WHen the child says give up, you cannot do this; I say I will never give up, no matter how long it takes.
WHen the child says, your feelings will rule you, eat up; I tell myself I will feel my feelings, but I will overcome and not use food to satisfy them.
I am going to concentrate on overcoming those thoughts that hold me back. I am going to find out what they are and turn them around to positives.

My to do list for today:
Be grateful
Turn obstacles into opportunities
make healthy choices
Listen to some happy tunes
Pray and meditate
Move it
encourage others
read SP blogs for inspiration
Track everything
Be positive
DO a sudoku puzzle
Take a photo

Let's not let anything stand in our way of success.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you for sharing. emoticon

    I hope you accomplish your To Do list. It is a wonderful list!
    39 days ago
    Really good blog! You are doing the right things with the positive self talk! Good for you! emoticon
    42 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15653250
    We won't let anything stand in our way emoticon
    emoticon blog. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    42 days ago
    Thank you for reaching out to me on my page. You will never know what it meant to me. I have really been struggling. Seems like my usual tools to keep me smiling, that get me to put on the happy face and keep going aren't working. So when I saw your note I had to come by and say Thank You.
    42 days ago
  • NEWNANCY2012
    I was the oldest of 5 children. It is in my nature wanting to make everything nice for everyone all the time. I'm 73 and my youngest sister is 57. We are able to keep in touch daily by texts remembering our different experiences with our parents who have passed away. It is funny when she tells me what my parents were like from her perspective! emoticon
    42 days ago
    Never allow the enemy to dominate your thought life. Use Philippians 4:8 as your radar detector to prevent the devil from stealing joy, gratitude...We are NEW creations in Christ...ALL old things have passed away! Know HOW our adversary operates....our mind is the battlefield! We are who God says we creations in Him.
    43 days ago
  • BLUESKY104
    Super Blog - thanks for sharing -- As the oldest of 6 I understand emoticon
    43 days ago
    43 days ago
    43 days ago
    It made me sad to read what you experienced as a child. Those kinds of things shape us and effect us for the rest of our lives.
    Just don't let it be stronger than you are. You are a positive, uplifting person and don't forget it!

    43 days ago
    Ruthie, we all have painful memories. We need to have the courage to turn the page.
    43 days ago
    You are on the right track GF! emoticon
    43 days ago
    You woke up old memories for me as a child, I was the oldest of 4
    I love how you are turning the negative thoughts around
    43 days ago
    Ruthie, my heart goes out to you and all these memories. However, you are so strong and it shows in how positive you counter these negative voices. emoticon
    43 days ago
  • KITT52
    We have to learn to live in the moment... the past is past. The future is not here yet...
    You are making progress... have a healthy day.
    43 days ago
    Keep looking ahead & know the past has helped shape the wonderful person you are today....
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    43 days ago
    I used to feel like you i found a picture of me at 6 with cat glasses and missing teeth and another of me in my teens looking miserable because my parents were divorcing and my aunt wanted me to play softball and my dad complained about going to my games that i sucked at. anyhow i would tell that little girl every day that she was special and loved etc. and now I hardly ever think about or use my past as an excuse. I try to live every day in the moment . to be positive like you . Hugs
    43 days ago
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    43 days ago
    Ruthie, thank you for sharing this with all of us. As you can tell by some of these comments, a lot of us have been there. You're doing great by turning the negative thoughts into positive thoughts. Great Job!!
    43 days ago
    Thank you for sharing. Had similar experiences in childhood. I thank you for honesty about your experience. I admire and respect you, a source of inspiration. We can do this.
    43 days ago
    Blessed to have a sister.. I never did!

    Think positive.. emoticon
    43 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I am so happy that you are now using positive self-talk. It is so sad how these things that happened in our childhood, bear such burdens as we get older.

    You are definitely worth it. emoticon
    43 days ago
    You ARE Worhy!!! emoticon
    43 days ago
    I understand how you felt Ruthie. I like what you say at the end, by overcoming those thoughts and turn them into positives. I agree don't let anything stand in our way emoticon emoticon
    43 days ago
    I had a lot of the same experiences....only it was my older brother who was favored.....he could do

    no wrong............i could do no right. So I can sympathize.............but like you I decided I was worth

    43 days ago
    emoticon I totally understand!
    43 days ago
    Sometimes all we can do is love up on that inner child more than ever. Talk kindly to her. emoticon
    43 days ago
    wow that is awful and I am sorry you felt that way. I am glad you are knowing that you are loved - by family and friends and while we have never met I love you. You are an inspiration to me and often what you have gone through I can totally relate to and knowing others have gone through it makes me feel warm inside as I can heal. We must remember that while the past has influenced how we have grown it does not have to define who we are today. We can make the changes we need to become the person we want to be and you are doing an amazing job on this and helping me to work on me as well.

    Love your to do list. Have a great day emoticon
    43 days ago
  • READY201811
    You have us - your Sparkpeople friends. I feel less than too and these meetings like yesterday bring me down so low, question my parenting, and my decisions and my Discipline and I asked each one. I realize you have degrees and this is your job and your each an expert in your field but have you personally ever lived it? Do you live it on a daily basis? My past infected me but does not define me. You are an inspiration to us all and appreciate you so much
    43 days ago
    Your blog brought back uncomfortable memories for me. It took me years and years to realize I am the master of my fate, that I needed to let go of the past.
    43 days ago
    Tell your inner child that you are sorry she was treated badly, but that she should be proud of the person she has grown into. Tell her you love her because she made you strong.
    43 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/14/2021 10:43:54 AM
    Such a moving post! You a definitely worthy! I relate.My oldest sister was so emotionally immature and self-centered. I had to constantly be the mature one and give in to appease her to keep the peace even though i was the youngest. She never learned to play nicely with others though and it has affected her social life and relationships as an adult. She achieved major career success, but nobody wants to give in to all her needs. I never told anyone about bullies either. I am so glad that you are being a nurturing parent to the child in you that feels hurt. Take care!!
    43 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/14/2021 10:39:53 AM
    When those old voices and feelings rear their heads, I breathe and remind myself that I am now, not then. Blessings; it takes a lot of inner work to move past the past.
    43 days ago
  • no profile photo GOFORGIN
    43 days ago
    I was smack dab in the middle of my two brothers who were adored and could "do no wrong!" ...My mother even voiced her disappointment at having a daughter. She made it loud and clear she only wanted sons.
    43 days ago
    43 days ago
    I'm so impressed that are able to identify these feelings and where they come from. Seriously, kudos to you for being able to do this self-work. You are self aware and you're willing and vulnerable enough to open your eyes and your heart to this truth. Sending you so much love as you work through setting those childhood messages behind you and recognizing the truth of who you are and how much you are loved and valued.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    43 days ago
  • BJAEGER307
    What a great attitude! That's the way to fight down those demons. I think everyone at one time or another had the feeling of not being worthy. I know I have. I am now of the stage in my life, (gosh it's only taken me 60 years plus) to realize I do matter and I am worthy.

    Let's keep up this attitude together no matter what life throws at us.
    43 days ago
  • DSJB9999
    I am sorry to hear you had challenges as a child RuthieBear but hasn't it helped make you the strong woman you are now, I don't think anything is holding me back today but writing a jobs list has made it much easier to progress and feel I have achieved things today! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    43 days ago
    Today you are in charge of you and the choices you get to make. Make it a good day. emoticon
    43 days ago
    Oh my! I can identify. I was the oldest of 3 and did have caring parents, but there were times when I was put in charge of my 2 brothers who were both younger than I (one a year younger, the other 3 yrs. younger). BUT they were both bigger than me. So . . . taking care of them never went too well. Obvs. things got better as we got older. fortunately, but . . . sometimes I do feel myself in that caretaker role when I shouldn't be!

    HUGS to you and continued prayers.
    43 days ago
  • GLORYB83
    Being the youngest of 7 children, I didn't have your experience Ruthie but I know that my former husband did. He was the oldest of two brothers and no matter what his brother did, he would get told that he was the oldest and was suppose to take care of his younger brother, he always got blamed for whatever his brother did! That was not right and I saw what it did to my husband.

    But we're way grown up and we don't need to listen to that inner child. Tell her to go back where she was, this is NOW and this is YOU. We're all worthy and need to love ourselves.
    43 days ago
    I am so sorry you went through so many bad experiences as a child.
    Of course that has affected you your whole life....hard to let the pain go.
    But you must.
    Look ahead, not back, and live in the present...I know you know how.
    43 days ago
    Don’t look’re not going that way!:) 🤗 Have a great Thankful Thursday!
    43 days ago

    Make today the greatest day of your life
    Until tomorrow!

    "Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade."
    Leo Buscaglia

    43 days ago
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