Still working on "love"

I am still working through my last age of 7 and the word love! it is so sick that people use a word like that, one we would use for the rest of our life. A word my so called father started teaching even as a baby as well as my stepfather later on. A word that those evil people made dirty and to mean something really bad instead of what the truth is. The truth from God! But to a young child, their minds are so mold-able and all have the belief that mama and daddy don't lie to you. As a young child, your parents are your whole world, God so to speak, one you look up to, love with your whole heart. (there is that word again)

I know this will pass and I will heal this with the help of my therapist and God. But right now, it is hard to say that word without feeling dirty, gross and bad. Why should I not be surprised though. They (the cult) took every good word of the bible and of God and turned it around for their own sick and evil purposes. All the holy holidays, they made evil, even God and Jesus they taught was the bad ones. They (tried) ruined almost every holiday including my birthday, mothers and fathers day and way more. Even the upside down crosses they used as altars. I got off coarse here but you get the point. It has been a battle my whole adult life to change their programing and lies and darkness.

I love you! I love me! but it hurts saying that right now. is it true? it is with my heart but not my mind that they tried to control and still fight with. This isn't just a little easy task to change. But DEEP programing and mind control, with pain and torture to make sure it stuck. they even made the sign language signal of 'I love you" to mean a devil in the cults. The horns for the fingers and the tail for the thumb.

Praying that I will soon be free to love again. Without guilt and those evil people making it dirty. I need to forgive myself first then mama and daddy but it is so much easier to forgive them than me. The shame that goes with every time I say that to someone. To take these tapes out of my head/thoughts/mind and be clean and free like the innocent little girl I should have been. I am sorry to my 7 year old self (and younger) that she was hurt so deeply and wrong. I need to change it that my daddy and mamma was the bad, dirty and evil ones not me. I wonder what it would have been like to have normal parents, how different I might have been.

Thanks for listening.