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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
5/21/20 10:24 A

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Feeling keyed up and not sure why...

Went to a massage Tuesday - 1st since early March. Massage therapist said "I can't believe these shoulders!" It hurt so good. I am going to try to get back in next week to get some more relief.

I will get out on a longer walk today. Soon. I think some of my feelings are from not getting out enough and being here working too much. So far this am, I have dealt with work stuff, FIL's stuff, older son's stuff, dog stuff, personal stuff. And I think that's part of my problem - I'm not being organized. All my various 'stuff' is being handled as it pops up, instead of my making piles of related stuff and working through with purpose and intent. And I must blame my husband for some of that (of course). He's been around so much more and he comes up here and needs things emailed or scanned or copied - and I get sidetracking and frazzled. Such is life.

It's our anniversary today - 32 years. Dated 6-1/2 years before that. So - yeah - a long time together. We've grown up together. May at times drive each other crazy - but can't imagine life without each other. 'remember when...' and 'don't blink'.

ok - on to getting a bit more organized and focused.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
5/15/20 4:25 P

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altho I have been on computer for work a significant part of today, I never got to wc audit prep. The webinar was useful, but too long and unstructured - basically a mish mash of whoever wanted to join (125 people when I joined) and questions being shouted out. One person couldn't figure out how to mute their computer, so a lot of background noise for a while. There were some useful questions here and there, but I finally had enough and left. Got FIL's stuff done - mostly.

Several dog walks - Sparky again makes it to the fire hydrant and then wants to go back home. Went to lake to check on things - looking promising. Stopped at our local grocery store on way home. Not too crowded. I was almost done when over the intercom "Shoppers, please be aware of the one-way signs on the aisles. Remember we are all in this together" - delivered in a rather tired, here we go again voice...Not sure if it was directed (solely) at me...This is the 1st time I've been in this store in 2 months and yes - I was clueless and did not see the signs. I guess I don't look at the floor too often as I walk - too busy looking around. Lesson learned. And I'll try to be more cognizant when out and about.

All family members are on their way home. Expect 1 about midnight. Son may be 2-3 am or tomorrow morning depending on whether they stop on the way.

Feeling claustrophobic in a way. Been inside, by myself too much this week - feels like 2013 busy time. And my hair has gotten to a point I must figure out something. I have a feeling lots of people will be cutting their hair shorter. Possibly including me.

OK - time to end my work for the week. Get to the rest of exercise and figure out if FIL is coming for dinner. Cause if he is, I need to figure out what's for dinner.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
5/14/20 9:47 P

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spent way too much time at work on computer today. Got several things accomplished, some other things handled until I hear back, and 1 thing started with more work planned for tomorrow. I also have a webinar I need to log into in the morning.

Several dog walks today. Sparky will walk to the fire hydrant in the neighbor's yard to do her business and then turn around. She seems to have lost all desire to walk. I guess her back pain has progressed. Probably about time...

I was hoping for a night off from dinner - but my FIL told my SIL that he was declining her invitation to dinner because he felt sorry for me being on my own with everyone out of town, so he was eating dinner with me...he didn't stay long and we had nice conversation, but I still had to cook and I would have enjoyed the solitude. Had dinner last night with mom and sister - good to see them. Sister had her lumpectomy today. She said the results won't be back for 2 weeks. That was surprising.

Younger son driving me crazy with his ups and downs...I gotta learn how to not get too reactionary with what's going on in his life and his decisions. Good kid. He will be fine....really.

Tomorrow - webinar, FIL needs me to do some copying/emailing for him, check on lake house, clean some stuff, wc paperwork for audit, and - dog walks. mini bands, weights, stretching.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
5/12/20 8:17 A

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I'm not sure why I find it so difficult to track my exercise. For that matter, why do I feel the need to track it? I used to put a little sticker on my tiny calendar in my bathroom. Fell out of that habit. I have a notebook with a larger calendar - used to track on there as well. Somehow I forget for a few days then...just don't. If it serves as a motivator, I need to make an effort.

In other words, I know I've been walking everyday and taking the dogs on 1-3 walks per day. I've been doing mini bands and weights and stretching. Not everyday, but usually every other day. The mountain opening up yesterday - so, I have a goal to do that walk this week. I did the elliptical a couple nights ago. So - yeah, getting in some exercise.

Family situations discovered the last week - a sister (the crazy one) with breast cancer. Looks like a 'mild' case, caught early, with a plan of action already in place. A BIL laid off - again. Younger son at ER a couple nights ago - he's fine, but some anxious and sleepless hours for a bit.

Everyone left town about an hour ago for work. I hope all goes well. So I am on my own this week, possibly through next week. Me and the dogs. Lots to do in the mornings getting everyone up and medicated and relieved and fed and walked. Intending to spend some time on eating plans this week. Cleaning and culling. Getting paperwork done.

Off to walk the dogs.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
5/6/20 8:27 P

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Lots more to contemplate about my health situations...but, as soon as I posted my last journal entry, I was suddenly aware of how negative I sound in my posts. So - I must follow up my last post with another reality post highlighting all the positives about my situation:

I am alive. During the time of my heart attack (in ER and hospital until official diagnosis and following morning's heart cath), I was never worried or afraid. Knew there wasn't anything I could do, so...I was calm, collected - I did pray for acceptance of whatever came. So the good thing is I was given a warning. I'm on a med that will hopefully prevent another occurrence. I know what to look for going forward. I was given an incredible gift.

I really am in pretty good health. I can walk, I can lift weights. WHile I may have some limitations - they are just that - limitations. Not restrictions.

I have access to so many things - the mountain for walking, a basement full of equipment to use, a gym membership that will eventually be open again, dogs to walk in the neighborhood, access to numerous parks around - my opportunities to get some exercise are numerous and readily available.

While I do work, I have free time every day to work in exercise. I am not as constrained in my time as I was when I was younger. Opportunity abounds.

I am blessed to have access to healthy food, and the ability to get it. I am grateful for the availability. I know how to cook - and do. I know how to make healthy meals and feed my body well. I have access to so many books (too many) regarding healthy food and exercise.

In other words, I have access to all I need. It's up to me to use what I have to do what I should to get where I want.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
5/4/20 7:47 P

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Here to do some journaling about facing my reality. I wrote a blog about my first acknowledgment about reality: being honest about how old I am - 56 - and maybe now's the time to stop coloring hair. Sounds shallow, I know, but it's a big thing for me. I had an appointment for root touchup scheduled from February. Our salons are open on a limited basis as of May 1 - but masks, gloves required, no washing or blow outs. I'm not exactly sure color can happen with masks and no washing...and since I am seriously considering growing out my grey, I called today to cancel. I hope I don't regret it. It's funny that as I am the youngest of my siblings, I have the most grey hair. And since I color and highlight, there is a hard line of color up against the battleship grey. I'll see how it goes. I can always change my mind.

So - as I walked today, I was musing over my next thing to face about reality. I think I need to seriously list and understand my health issues. On any random day, I'll tell you I'm in good to excellent health. But - really? I had a heart attack 2.5 years ago -( yes, mild; no intervention; hbp and stress related; considered anomaly by all doctors) - but, yes, I had a heart attack. I happen to have 'sticky blood/cholesterol, so I am on statins (even though cholesterol numbers are good). I am overweight (even as people say I don't look it). I have sarcopenia in legs. I have IT band issues and some degenerative tissue associated with knees. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto disease (not sure I totally buy into it all...). As I read back over this, I found it interesting that I comment in parenthesis to indicate my refusal to face reality... emoticon .

Reality. While I remain somewhat active, eat somewhat healthily, I have some health issues I must accept and address. I'll do this in a written journal or on computer, away from journal here. I have several books I have looked through and then forgotten. Time to look them over again.

Getting lost in where to start. How to start. What's the most important thing? Trick is not to get overwhelmed, depressed, beaten before I start. Move away from the cookies...

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 5/4/2020 (19:48)
Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
4/30/20 8:49 A

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late start today. Sparky nudged me awake at 6 as she had to go out. She and rescue guy went out to do their business, then I gave them their meds, started the coffee make, and then slipped back into bed. Older son called about 7 to ask some questions (usually by 7, husband and I are both at work). AS soon as son hung up, husband called from out of state, assuming I was at the computer. Got everything done that needs to be done - then took dogs out again, fed them, then made myself some breakfast. Reading blogs as I eat (I know, I should be focused on eating alone) and ruminating on what the day holds - and the coming month.

May is my favorite month for some reason. This year, in particular, it seems to hold the promise of rebirth,as it were. On my visit to my happy place in Feb, I was encouraged to spend some time thinking about/journaling/meditating on what my main obstruction is in my health/weight 'journey'. When asked that question, after my initial pause and thought of "what does it matter, the weight is here, the question is how to get it off"...it came to me: Accepting where I am in life is my biggest impediment..realizing my age and physical 'reality' is what I need to spend some time thinking about and acknowledging. So - that's what I'm tackling in May - along with the final plans stuff I still haven't gotten done - and the house. And and and... emoticon

time to get the dogs walked, the laundry going, the house cleaned, figure out dinner, and...work.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
4/28/20 10:58 A

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Neighbor just dropped off a tub of Lamb's Ear. We've been talking for years about my digging some of them up and transplanting. AT least 3 years. This year, I noticed a small patch of them by my mailbox - she planted them for me last year without my noticing - they were mixed in with the iris. DIL wants some of them. I will get out and plant 1/2 of them in my yard, and get the others ready to give to DIL. I will also sprinkle the daisy and black eyed susan seeds I have (may be too late?) and ask FIL if I can come dig up some of their daisy plants. I noticed my next door neighbor returning during one of the dog walks with some plants. I guess our nurseries are open. Not sure I want to go - I can always drive by and see how crowded it is and decide whether or not to go in. I would like to get some herbs going. My luck with tomatoes and peppers has not been too good the last few years.

I ended up verbally terminating our contract with the designer last night. Feel rotten about it. Husband has been wanting to get rid of her for at least 6 months. I still need to send her paperwork to terminate - she asked me to talk about it again with husband and get back to her. I think she thinks I'll change my mind since she's the girlfriend of one of our old college friends. Bad mistake - doing business with friends. I hesitated to enter this agreement and I should have gone with my instincts. Problem is - I can't do this on my own. Not creative. I just know she's not the right person.

So - time to get moving. Already done 3 dog walks. Weights and minibands on plan. Along with longer walk. Planting plants. Visiting mom?

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
4/27/20 1:02 P

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Walking and walking and walking. husband is out of town at work for a week. Younger son is beginning finals today. I have the 3 dogs to myself. So I will continue to walk. Today, I did a huge batch of filing at the warehouse. After I finished, I walked through the warehouse, making sure all the doors were locked. There is a huge mirror in the receiving room...OMG...I guess I should put one of these somewhere in my house. For those days I tell myself I don't look THAT bad... emoticon . No denying evidence. Time to get out there and do my walking. I will take the puppy on my long walk today - we've already been on a short stroll and I did take all of them with me 'to work' which they enjoyed.

And time to ditch the coffee and creamer. This time I mean it...LOL. I've been saying this for at least 5 years. Time to get back to iced tea (unsweetened), as I used to do, along with water.

Focus on what I can do. Work on my attitude.

Yesterday, after husband left, i cleaned the garage including windows, descaled the coffee make, defrosted the ice maker, rearranged the porch furniture, and went through the books in the family room. I brought some mags up to the bedroom to review for garden and house planning- with intent to toss after going through. I also put all the diet/nutrition/exercise books (too many) together so I can look through. Again, intent is to toss when I have looked through and torn out what I want from each book. Organizing my exercise notebook is also on the list for this week. Actually doing exercise....yes - that's also on my list for the week. emoticon Did I put on here that my old walking partner contacted me last week? I think she had an ulterior motive for contacting me, but she suggested we get together to walk since she is out of work right now. I declined. For various reasons, including that we shouldn't be getting together. I was a bit surprised SHE suggested it, which reinforces my belief there's an ulterior motive. I am not sure whether or not we will ever walk together again, as it was difficult the last few times - we are very different in our viewpoints in life. Altho that can be refreshing and educational at times, it can also be a pain.

Time to change and get outside.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
4/19/20 8:43 P

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I have done my walks pretty much everyday - except today as we were hit with thunderstorms most of the day. So, I did my 'C' cardio routine on the elliptical this evening. Going to make an effort this week to follow the RM plan. I also used the hypervolt on my hip as the leg pain has been getting worse. Hope it helps tonight.

We cleaned the stove today - and I cleaned out the kitchen junk drawer, dog supplies cabinet, cabinets above the washer & dryer, appliance cabinet, spice cabinet, and odds and ends cabinet. Also worked on defining the new kitchen a bit more.

SOn and his girlfriend played scrabble with us yesterday. I'm not very good at it....hopefully we will get another chance at game night. We don't do it enough. When the kids were little, we did have game night, but our son says he has no memories of it. Interesting the things you remember. Or don't.

Had a zoom birthday for MIL last week. She looked better and seemed more with it than I was expecting. I think she likes her isolation. We had dropped of 6 mini bundt cakes for her the night before - she told us on the call she had 1 left. Not sure if she ate them all or shared them with staff. I guess we need to drop off more sweets/food items for her during this isolation time. FIL has fallen several times in the last 2 weeks. Not sure what's going on there. He got rather defensive when husband was asking him about it.

Not sure what the week ahead has in store for us work wise. I need to get some filing done - my least favorite thing. Filing here at the home office and then filing at the warehouse. We pressure washed the back porch and porch furniture yesterday, then son worked on front walkway. Still have drive way to do. Will find some way to be productive.



Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
4/10/20 4:09 P

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Feeling defeated a bit right now - and the fact that I am the one defeating myself makes it worse. While I have been fairly productive today, I have also failed myself with how I have eaten today (and this whole month, so far). I have not done meal plans, or even spared much thought about continuing the eating habits from RM. True, things aren't 'normal' right now. But, that should not be an excuse.

I feel awful right now after the eating as I have today. I know better. I know as I start that I shouldn't be eating these things. Actually, it goes further - I know when I buy the stuff that I shouldn't be bringing it into the house. I justify it in saying they are for my husband or son...but I'm the one who eats it all.

Instead of beating myself up more, let me reshape the day by reminding myself of what I should be doing: NO SUGAR. No Gluten. Limit starchy veggies to 1 serving per day. Limit grains to 2 per day. Eat more non-starchy veggies. DO NOT buy tortilla chips or any type of chip or cookie. DO NOT buy chocolate. Plan my meals. Be kind to myself by eating right.



Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
4/9/20 3:56 P

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Husband did leave Tues for job site. Not sure is he's coming home this weekend or staying for next week. Although Easter WILL come on Sunday, the family get together will not happen. So - no big deal if he isn't here. I did go ahead and get most of our food stuff so if nothing else, younger son and I will have Easter dinner. I picked up some Easter basket stuff for younger son and my mom and sister. Easter is Easter. Maundy Thursday, tho is my most meaningful day. I chance to reflect on the why and the need and the thank you.

SO - walks are continuing, especially with husband gone. I gave blood yesterday and was told not to lift weights until tomorrow. So, tomorrow it will be. The minibands will be put to use tonight for some leg work.

Planted some seeds today (puppy dug some of them up and ate them!), finished cleaning the porch, picked up the back yard (poop and pinecones), and contemplated scrubbing down the deck furniture. We started cleaning between the boards of the porch last weekend (all the gunk that gets stuck in there) and are about 1/3 of the way done. It rained yesterday, so boards are a bit swollen. I will need to wait til it dries out some before finishing that. Upstairs needs to be dusted, vacuumed and walls wiped down. Thinking that will start tonight. It's funny all the cleaning I've noticed in the neighborhood as I walk - people pulling down curtains and cleaning windows! Which reminds me of cleaning the blinds...

OK - need to get something productive done instead of just contemplating.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
4/4/20 8:44 P

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And since GA is now considered a hot spot, the work trip is off. I am glad husband will not be traveling. Tomorrow or Monday we will contact the other project site as I suspect they won't want us there either. How this will impact us project wise/future...don't know. And not worrying about it.

Today included cleaning, errand and yard work. Was picking up pinecones when neighbors called out. Talked to them for a bit - not my favorite people - but hope to remain on better than civil terms. Did a bot burning yard stuff prior to burning ban at beginning of May.

I did get one short walk in, as well as minibands and weights. Food has been pretty good today. Haven't done my planning yet - I think I'll push it off to tomorrow.



Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
4/3/20 9:17 P

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walking and walking and walking. Several shorter dog walks and 1 long walk alone - used the shuffle. My mind mused on several things as I walked. Snippets of advice from RM personnel, mainly. How I was told that I need to calm down my exercise routine. And I am. And I really hope I start seeing some results.

Made a trip to Sam's today with husband. Stocked up on some things. It was a normal stock up trip, didn't go crazy. No TP or paper towels were bought. emoticon We did purchase some things for MIL - happy to find some gloves that we are asked to provide for the caregivers. We will need to drop some more things off for MIL early next week.

Tomorrow, I will sit down again and do some planning. Husband will leave again on Sunday, hopefully to return by the end of the week. It's been beautiful weather today, hoping it will continue. Altho, the pollen buildup will have us soon wishing for a bit of rain. The sycamore and pine pollen get everywhere. It's amazing to watch the wind blow curtains of pollen.

Lots to do for work - paperwork - this weekend. And walk some more. May be time to get back on the elliptical.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
3/31/20 8:32 P

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I did finish the closet (mostly). Bagged up some donations - I'm sure the charity shop is going to be overwhelmed when they start taking donations again, as I am sure many, many other people have been cleaning and culling. Went up to bed last night to find the puppy had torn into the bags and scattered stuff all over the upstairs. Clean out the planters outside and prep for new planting - done. Blow the pollen off the porch and deck - did not do, but rain today took care of it. Laundry - done. Clean bathrooms - done. Start personal paperwork - nope. Review RM stuff - yep. Meal plans - kinda. dog walks - yes. minibands - nope, TRX - nope.

Today, several dog walks. Trips to post office and bank. Drove by lake to check things out. FIL came for dinner. Kinda weird with just him and I eating. younger son and girlfriend came and sat with us. Son shaved his beard - and regrets it.

About to do minibands and TRX that I didn't do yesterday - and some hand weights and stretching. got in about 13K steps yesterday. Just under 10K today.

Older dog has ear infection. Vet was able to treat her yesterday and she seems better today. However, she got me up 3 times during the 'night'- 1, 3 & 5. I hope she does better tonight. Husband is hoping to head toward home Thursday. Time to get exercising.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
3/30/20 9:57 A

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One dog walk this am. About to break and get the 2 older guys walked. Sitting here at work for last 2 hours. Time for my mid morning break.

Husband made it to his destination. Found out 1st thing the client has adjusted 'facility ready' date to early June. At least they are being a bit more realistic about things with all that is going on. Being considered an essential service, I guess they figure all aspects must forge ahead. We will see what happens. I'm not stressing about it - not worth it. And, realistically, what's gonna happen?

Vet appt this afternoon. Hope we get her ear fixed today. I need to review all the dogs meds and take the opportunity to get anything I night need for the next month so I won't have to get out again (for them).

I have my bingo style sheet prepped - will print out and stick it in my sheet protector (ala FlyLady). Later today, I will review all my RM stuff and spend more time reviewing the food plans and stick my typical meals/snack stuff in MyFitnessPal to see how my reality matches what I am thinking. I have the time, right?

Yesterday, I spent some time in the closet. Each season, I SAY I am going to be honestly ruthless and toss what I don't wear. However, I tend to wear the same 3-5 things over and over. I have some things I'd like to hang onto for the few times I 'dress up' (for me). But - I would like to toss the things I'm hanging on to in hopes of getting back into them. I have 2 large bags full of stuff to get rid off. Of course, donation places are going to be overwhelmed when this distancing is over. Some of the things I put in the bags still have tags on them. And then I get frustrated with myself. Why did I buy these things in the first place? BUT - I WANT to pare things down prior to us moving. NOW is the time to do it.

All right. Today: finish the closet. Clean out the planters outside and prep for new planting. Blow the pollen off the porch and deck. Laundry. Clean bathrooms. Start personal paperwork. Review RM stuff. Meal plans. dog walks. minibands, TRX. on to the dogs.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
3/28/20 9:28 P

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2 dog walks today and washed the car and truck. Did get out to pick up prescriptions. FIL came for dinner. My husband leaves town tomorrow morning for a couple days, maybe for a week. I had trouble sleeping last night, I think in part having some anxiety about him leaving. Other issues - it was too hot and the oldest dog must be getting an ear infection as she kept shaking her head. We cleaned out her ear this afternoon and I'm hoping she will sleep tonight. I think her vet is open in case I need to get her in next week.

After husband leaves tomorrow, I am prepping another bingo sheet style workout tracker for this week. I've been really good about my long walks and some other stuff, but I haven't been tracking. ANd just like that, I'm asking myself why I need to track??? I have not found the time to review the info from RM, YET. Again - tomorrow.

I baked a couple things this week that I didn't need. I find myself, especially this week, falling back into my 'food is love' thing. With FIL coming for dinner every night, and younger son home for the rest of the semester (and probably summer), I'm cooking more - and trying to think about what they like. I made individual chicken pot pies last night (actually they were turkey)...using the recipe from my best friend, Sandra. My husband and I joke about 'Sandra's secret sauce' (cream of mushroom soup). The pot pies are really good and easy. My FIL mentioned them today - saying how he really liked them last night. Then I made 7 layer magic bars as a treat for son. That needs to stop. First, because I need to get sugar out of my life again - and second, because I am running out of things and I don't want to go shopping.

Back at it again tomorrow. Get organized - I let this week kind of slide in and slide out. One thing I learned about at RM - I need to stop trying to 'be in control'. Instead, 'be in charge'. There doesn't seem to be much I can control right now. But, I can be in charge of a few things: how I react, how I prepare, how I respond, how I go about the day to day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
3/26/20 7:53 P

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Another beautiful day here. 2 dog walks with the older guys - 1 first thing in am and the other mid afternoon. Then I headed out for an hour by myself. I put my shuffle to use and was pleased to hear my old playlist. I spent a lot of time putting together the songs on the shuffle years ago. Each song is a reminder of a time and place in my life. I must say (to myself) I did a good job.

Talked with a neighbor I haven't seen in a long time. Good to visit. Checked in via email with older neighbors next door. FIL is coming by for dinner every night. Checked on my mom in person Monday and called today - will probably check on her again in a bit as I haven't heard from her. Want to check on my older son - it's been a rough week for him I think.

FIL was able to visit MIL over video today. Said she was in good spirits. But he also said she only made small talk. Maybe he will recognize her limitations now. I'm glad he was able to talk with her.

Heading out to pick up pinecones. Been spending too much time on computer lately.


Deb
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3/25/20 7:47 A

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started today with a dog walk for the older guys. Last few days have all included dog walks, longer solitary walks, minibands, weights, and stretching. Today, the TRX will go back up.

Park service closed the mtn Sunday/Monday. Too many people. Supposedly this includes the trails, but I'm not sure how they will enforce that. Honor system? not sure that works for the mtn and trails - too many people have access to the trails at various points. Our shelter in place order for our county goes into effect at noon today - will look over it to see what exactly that means. Not sure what it means for us workwise,as well. It is what it is.

FIL has been coming over for dinner nightly. He said he would go to his daughter's place if a restriction came out. He wants us over for lunch today so we will see what is discussed.

finally got the office closet cleaned yesterday. Now for the rest of the office. Then the master closet. Then the personal paperwork.

Deb
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3/22/20 5:02 P

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Dog walk this morning. The red buds and forsythia made me smile. And my dog wood is just about to open up full force. I have 1 deep purple iris at the mailbox. From a volunteer group that got mixed in with another transplant. The dead nettle is starting to spread. Spring is here - almost. It was a bit chilly but I like that at night. The pollen is collecting. We had a short burst of rain that I hope will help wash some of it away.

Drove by the lake yesterday and I could tell they started grading across the street where the septic system will go. I hope we start seeing some fast progress soon. Can't tell yet if we have picked a great time or horrible time to build. Hope we can keep some people employed and supply places working. Day by day. What happens happens.

Project sites sent out more restrictions. Temp readings prior to being let on site. No mixing with client personnel. At all. Not sure how that will work as some of our stuff has been turned over, some still in work is technically in client areas. Will see what happens in the week ahead. I dreamed the 3 states we are involved in issued shelter in place orders.

Miniband workout done, along with some weight work, stretching and limited rolling. My right hip flexer is very weak. Will work on it. I want to review my RM stuff and suggestions. Remember to do the suggestions. Time aplenty to work on improving myself. Studied the bookshelves today and considered cleaning them and culling out books...didn't happen. But it's now on my list of things to do.

Deb
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3/21/20 6:52 P

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Been walking more. Short dog walks and then longer walks with just myself. Last night, as I finished up a neighbor pulled into his driveway and popped his hatchback. 3 HUGE packages of TP! I couldn't believe. I was so tempted to ask him why he needed so much...Today, I stopped in a grocery store, not my normal one. Much better stocked than our local one. And the specials! I must admit I picked up a couple things not on my list. Finally found bread. Got 1 loaf. A man close by picked up hamburger buns and his wife put them back - she complained about them being a bit smushed. I laughed and said "now is not the time to be concerned with smushed buns - at least they have buns." Her husband laughed - she did not. The store actually had a display of TP and I did not see a single person rushing the display. Restored my faith in humanity. emoticon

WE took the dogs and met older son, DIL and her brother up at the farm today. Spent the day in the sunshine, tilling, chainsawing, and clearing fallen trees and limbs. I left with the dogs after the work was done and they were turning to fun - clay shooting. I made a point to walk as much as possible. Older son asked me if that was my new fitness routine - walking. As I walked by the site where older son and DIL had their ceremony, I offered up a prayer of thanksgiving that I am still here, almost 2.5 years after their wedding (and my heart attack 3 days afterwards). Read ONEKIDSMOM about her sister reviving the gratitude journal and it seems people are heading back to the 911 niceness (I hope) and being more grateful for what you have. Found out my DIL's parents are both unemployed - have been for almost a month. Makes me wonder what I can do to help without being a busybody...

Feeling a bit anxious about work situation and trying to convince myself to let it be. I cannot control the work situation. It will be what it is. We will do our best. Husband may be heading out to a work site next week - and who knows whether he will be allowed to travel - and when he will be able to come back home. At least my younger son will be home to assist me with the dogs should that happen.

Look for the good. Concentrate on the positive. Open my eyes to what I can do for others.



Deb
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3/16/20 10:01 P

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short dog walk this am with 2 older guys and younger son. It was nice to have his company. evening walk with husband and puppy - well, half a walk, as I broke off from them again as they 'worked'. Came home to do the miniband routine, a short weight routine and some stretching. The perfectionist in me says I could have done so much more...but at least I did something. And the gym closed today. Figured it was coming.

Late afternoon, son and I headed to post office and then hit the store to get a few things. It was surprisingly calm, considering what I have been hearing. No bread. No potatoes (looking for my FIL). A few empty areas. Son was a bit disappointed as he was expected a friend to drop by for a bit. Friend's parents don't want them out. Son's school is on hiatus for this week. He is at loose ends. Husband will probably put him to work for a couple days.

FIL is struggling with not being able to visit MIL. We got a text today from the facility with a list of things we need to bring by. No visiting, just drop off. FIL's activities have closed down as well, so we need to have him over more.

Tomorrow - more walks. Weight work. Work. FIL stuff. MIL stuff.

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 3/16/2020 (22:02)
Deb
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3/14/20 9:47 A

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2 short dog walks this morning with the older guys. Can't take both of them at the same time due to my finger situation. Thinking about getting on the elliptical in a bit. It's a lazy morning here with not much on the agenda. Neighbor is getting married tonight, she used to babysit our youngest. I hope her day is a good one. I'm glad I ran into her on the dog walk this morning so I could wish her happiness.

The craziness here is...crazy. And I was struck with the irony of it all the last few days. We have lamented the limited social skills the younger generation has, due in part to their reliance on social media. It seems they prefer to have virtual rather than personal interactions with others. Now, we are encouraging that - don't go out, don't socialize, isolate, virtual schooling...I understand the intent behind it all, I do. I just find it ironically funny. My younger son's school is planning on regular classes next week and then offering students the option to finish the semester online. He has 2 weekly labs, so he has the option of coming home for online access, and then going to campus for 2 days to do his lab work. We will see. Luckily he is about 2 hours away from campus so it is an option for him. So far, our work has not been impacted, but that could change any moment. It is not an option for us to work online.

A friend of mine sent me pictures of empty aisles at the store...Luckily I went serious shopping on Monday. I know we have at least a month's worth of food (if not more) - may not like what we have at times, but it's there. If son comes home, I may need to supplement if possible.

I have been rather dismissive of this situation, and I still can't understand the panic. Well, I have my theories about the panic, but I won't go into that here. However, my husband is on Humira, so I guess he could be in a precarious situation. My MIL's assisted living went on quarantine Thursday afternoon - no visitors and no one can leave. Not sure how that is sitting with her. She does not have a phone, so we have no way to communicate with her now. Anyone reading this - she doesn't have the mental capacity to use a phone, but she can get the facility to call us for her if needed. FIL is having problems not being to visit with her. We spent some time with him yesterday and will need to be diligent in that going forward.

So - I'm sure there's all sorts of stuff I could do here. I just need to get motivated.

Deb
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3/12/20 7:58 P

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Tonight, I hit the neighborhood. I THOUGHT husband and I were walking together, but he had the puppy and was 'working', so I left them in the dust. Got in 50 mins in zone 1. Earlier, I had taken the older one out. So, I'm good on the time. I will do the miniband workout when I get off here. Now my nose is running - I think it's the bradford pears - definitely got a whiff of the fishy smell.

I managed to slice my finger open Tuesday. 4 stitches. So my plans to get to the gym for swimming and group power are off. I am hoping the swelling will go down by the weekend and I will be able to lift some weights then. My sister told me the gym is taking your temperature before letting you in...Younger son will probably be home this weekend as his college will probably go online.

Not sure what will happen in the days ahead.

Deb
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3/8/20 5:54 P

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had a good overnighter with my friend. It was enjoyable - but not as good or relaxing as I had imagined or hoped it would be. I think my week long visit to my happy place kind of spoiled me for anything else. That place really is a great place - I need to remember to send them a note about it.

Today, lunch with inlaws, including SIL and her husband. Then husband and I went on a 4 mile walk to the mountain and back with the youngest dog. The 2 older ones can't go that far anymore. I did get them out earlier for the cul-de-sac walk. Did mini band routine and stretching last night. My hope for the rest of the week is to get in the other 3 (minimum) cardio workouts as laid out by RM, Group Power at least once, the machine workout at the gym, another mini band routine, stretching, 1 water aerobics class, and sit in the sauna.

Eating wise, I have dinners planned for the week. I will get together a plan for the rest of the days, each day tonight after husband leaves for dog class.

Tomorrow will be a heavy work day as I get stuff taken care of that has been ignored since I left Thursday morning. I want to get some personal paperwork stuff going again this week also.

The lots at the lake are almost cleared of trees. Hopefully the grading will get done this week and we will begin to see some progress soon. We will also try to get by the stone place this week to review siding options. Maybe a meeting with the builder. Our meeting with the decorator/designer last week left me feeling frustrated again. After she leaves every time, I wonder why we met as we still don't have any design/decorating presentations and the things she questioned us about include finishing details rather than room schemes. I have spent quite a bit of time on line looking for pictures of rooms that appeal to me. Not sure where this will end up.

On to the week.

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 3/8/2020 (17:55)
Deb
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3/4/20 8:49 P

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Walk in the field on Sunday for the Zone 1 60 min cardio workout, and did the mini band workout. Tuesday, I did the 40 mins alternating between Z1 and Z2. Then, Group Power. Rain has come back in so I have bailed on the last 2 days of dog walks. I'm heading out of town tomorrow for 2 days - don't expect to get any formal workouts done.

Eating has been ok - a few things I wish I had stayed away from. I have not done the planning I need to do. Will work on that this weekend after I return. For the next 2 days, I will do the best I can with what is available.



Deb
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2/27/20 7:56 P

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Spin and Group Power tonight. I wore my Ionic and tried to monitor my heart rate during Spin, working to keep up with the class as I also tried to keep my HR in Zones 1 & 2, with limited Zone 3 time. I think there is a delay, as a couple times, the HR seemed to spike at odd times.I still need to get in one more slow (Zone 1) 60 min workout for the week. and do some concentrated leg work. And do some stretching.

My sister was in Group Power - glad to see. She has really been making an effort to try out the classes. I hope she gives some serious thought to continuing the membership after this trial/gift month is over. I spoke with my mom after class for a bit and she expressed the same thought. It is expensive - but it's relative. It is my sister's money and I have no right to tell her how to spend her money...BUT - I see what else she spends money on and I have to disagree when she says she can't afford it. I will try very hard to not argue with her choice if she decides not to continue.

My discussion with my mom was ok. If she is upset with our 'encounter' Sunday, she is not expressing it over the phone. My younger son will be home for a week starting Friday night and I wanted to see if she is available to have dinner one night while he is home. It's been since Christmas that they have seen each other. Son needs to see his other grandparents also.

Weight has crept back on since I returned home. 3 pounds lost. 2 pounds gained. However, I feel better. I need to review stuff again. Refocus every day. That week I was at Red Mtn, It was so easy to get 20K+ steps per day, multiple workout sessions, time to relax, time to focus. Being home and staying committed is hard. I know it's totally my choice, although home commitments are real and cannot be denied. relative. No beating myself up.

Deb
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2/25/20 8:47 P

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elliptical with the routine recommended for D4 - 30 mins of intervals between Zones 1, 2 & 3. About to do the mini band routine to finish the day. I made cardio tone yesterday and then did 15 mins on treadmill - so I would say that matches the recommended D1 - 60 mins in Zone 1.

Eating was a bit derailed as we grabbed lunch out. I was getting a bad headache and needed to eat. Dinner was very light - but the cookies called out to me. I know that I SHOULD make it a rule that I do not eat alone. That would solve so many things for me. Will work on that .

Lent starts tomorrow. Need to figure out something to focus my mind. Be kinder and gentler...where have I heard that before? emoticon Work on family relationships, perhaps? the problem with that one is there is an assumption that the 'other' family members want to see improvement - and I am not sure that is a valid assumption. I can only do my part - but do it honestly. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow is lunch with in laws. Wish me luck with that one too...Weather may support a longer walk in the neighborhood - or maybe the mountain?



Deb
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2/23/20 10:21 A

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I've been struggling lately with church 'obligations'. I attend (usually monthly only) the church I grew up in. I've often thought about leaving this church - not for religious reasons - for personality reasons. Never felt welcomed or fit in - even though I have been there 'all my life'. And the church has ALWAYS had financial problems - they never seem to learn. I attended this am but wish I had not. This time the unwelcoming people were my mom and one sister. emoticon It always amazes me how my mom seems to think (my interpretation) that to build up my sisters, she must tear me down - in front of them. At Christmas, she made a snarky comment about my husband, as we were preparing to say grace before eating - in front of everyone. Kind of like a bravado act to show she doesn't favor us (?). I like the messages of the pastor - although I don't like the financial and management skills he has/doesn't have. I never socialize with anyone other than my family. So - after the 'emotional beating" today - I realize I have probably attended my last service there. I must admit, I did comment to my mom, and I feel badly/guilty that I did. Basically I told her she needs to realize how the things she says are interpreted. Think before you speak - which I guess I should adhere to myself...

After church, I came home to let the dogs out as husband is out of town still. Instead of going to eat with 'them'. Seriously I would have done that even if the event had not happened. Otherwise, I would have returned home to numerous accidents. Anyway - just feeling blah about the whole situation. I would like to find a church to attend. Just not sure where. With the house change situation coming up (albeit late this year), it's time to look forward to where I will be- and start making changes all through my life - now.

So - still working through analysis paralysis with eating plans. I'll get something hammered out. Not perfect - but a start. I did some of the stretching stuff last night. Didn't seem to help the right leg, tho. Rescue guy was limped yesterday on our walk - I think I challenged him a bit too much. Elliptical tonight. Tomorrow I WILL go to cardio Tone and watch my heart rate to keep it within limits that were set for me.

On to a good week.



Deb
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2/22/20 10:37 A

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Hard to believe it's been a week tomorrow since I returned home. Yesterday, I did lots round the house - polished furniture, laundry, polished a silver tureen that was quite black, vacuumed and for work - filed. I hate filing. I also scanned all my notes and handouts from my trip and made up some spreadsheets. And I find myself in analysis paralysis. Is it more important to hit the food groups - or the calories? Where do cookies fit in??? So, I looked over it all and remembered the lectures and talks. They told us to select 1-2 things to start with - don't try to do everything at once, cause you're going to fail.

So - My top 2 things: avoid dairy and avoid gluten. And the gluten, I broke this am. time to give myself a shake and commit. Again. And later today, I will commit again. And tomorrow.

I've been told (multiple times) that I work out too hard and need to incorporate yoga and stretching (and meditation/relaxation type things). Tuesday, I did go to yoga stretch and then treadmill for about 30 mins. Then, I've walked the dogs a few times. And 1 TRX session and 1 mini band session. Not enough cardio at all. After getting 20K+ steps in everyday last week, I've failed at getting even 10K steps in daily since being home. And that needs to change. It is cold today (high 20's) but it is sunny. So - later, I will walk the dogs and then go out on my own to get in at least 10K steps.

I did make a chia seed pudding thing that I have had for breakfast and evening snack. I think I will tweak it a bit but I will be making that again. I also bought a jicama and have had that with hummus for a snack as well as lunch one day. I plan on working on some meal plans today to make sense of the suggested food groups daily goals. Who knew eating was so hard? emoticon

Deb
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2/20/20 7:48 P

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Husband leaves tomorrow for a dog related weekend trip. I will spend the weekend looking through all my trip related stuff and coming up with my action plans. The last few days have been spent getting back up to date with work and family. I went grocery shopping on Tuesday...and the brownies were there...and 15 boxes of cookies came home with me. The plan was for 3 boxes dedicated to my husband and the remaining case of thin mints to go to my sons. Each son will get 5 boxes. Really. I am done with them.

Sister finally went to the gym with me. Turns out she knows 2 of the instructors. I am hoping she will continue the membership after her trial ends.

Tomorrow - review everything. Update plans.

Deb
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2/17/20 8:02 P

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wonderful, fantastic, great working, but relaxing week. A week of hikes in the morning chill. Several health related 'tests', some discussions and lectures, some one-on-one appointments, many group exercise classes each day, some down time - and meeting some other people there at the place, as well. I am so glad I was able to go.

Found out my metabolic resting caloric level. It will be interesting to see if I can actually eat with that in mind. It was suggested that we count calories for a couple weeks, until we get an image/idea of what that means - along with the suggested food group servings that we discussed. Then, give up calorie counting. My one on one take away was to eliminate all dairy and gluten - and reduce/eliminate animal protein. So - I am browsing through recipe books and online to get some ideas. Interesting to me that as I was so busy last week, I only ate 3 meals a day - no snacking. Something I would like to continue.

Exercise wise, I was told I am working out too hard. I've been told that before. SO - I now have a plan they provided. And I will spend some time studying that so I have a realistic plan. I was 3 pounds lighter this morning - blew me away! It's been so long since I've been able to lose anything. Curious to see tomorrow am, as I did sit at the computer most of today getting back to work.

so thankful I was able to swing this trip. Met some wonderful people, got some wonderful advice - now it's up to me to implement what I learned.

Deb
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2/6/20 8:55 P

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Spur of the moment decision today to head out of town on Sunday for a week. By myself. Something I have been wanting to do for a long, long, long time. I was not sure when I would be able to it as the work plan for the year is still relatively fluid. Today, things aligned - I jumped on the computer and booked the event and flights and I will be off. Already, I am anxious about being gone an entire week. That's hard for me. 3 - 4 days is usually about all I can handle. But - the event I am going to required 7 nights. I hope it's worth it. I intend to spend the week getting on track regarding exercise and eating - and hopefully get in some mental work as well as relaxation. I do feel somewhat guilty about leaving husband with the dogs...but he's left me with them plenty of times, albeit for work usually.

So - as I a trying to get things organized and 'done' here, I skipped spin and group power. I did get elliptical and rower work done last night, so I am ok with my decision. Tomorrow, I will go thru clothes and pack. Saturday, and maybe some Friday, we need to get the lake shed packed up. Got new house drawings about an hour or so ago. I think they are 90% there - and the remaining 10% are tweaks here and there that really don't go on the drawings til detail plans are made.



Deb
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2/3/20 7:19 P

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Forced myself to get to the gym for Cardio Tone today - can't remember last time I made the class. So glad I did it. 1 exercise I had to modify as my back was crunching - disturbing sound and feel. I have a massage scheduled for tomorrow so am hoping some of that will go away.

Left overs when I got home. Trying very hard to not have anything else to eat today! February efforts include: no eating after dinner; increase water; decrease coffee; plan meals (and live the plan); reduce eating out; reduce sugar; increase family contacts. In the vein, I will go call my mom.

Deb
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2/2/20 8:26 A

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started the morning with a slow dog walk for the 2 older ones. It's a short 1/4 mile, but at least it's something. They can't do more than that but they really enjoy doing it. Everytime I do this, I think I should start every morning this way. Husband has a habit of every evening walking the younger one - and he ends up walking the entire neighborhood which takes just over an hour. I SHOULD join him. I've THOUGHT to join him. will tonight be the time I do?

Sitting here now spinning in my mind. January was a fairly successful month regarding eating according to meals, writing down my meals and snacks, and being active. BUT - weight went up 1-2 pounds. And I feel more puffy. I did not do a very successful job of NOT snacking after dinner. I want to focus on this in February. Obviously, I must be eating too much. So, watch portion size in February as well. And I know that I MUST MUST MUST reduce the coffee I am drinking. I've been saying this since my older son was in high school - and he turns 30 in March! Why don't I listen to myself over the course of 12 years?

Another to work on in February in worry. I thought I'd done a fairly good job with reducing worry - but the last week has me amped up again. I feel I spend my time 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' and I need to stop this. I had done some research in December about possibly joining a certain group. I had told myself handle January and then decide. So I MAY look into that again. I'm just not sure about joining another group which would be similar to the coaching thing I did a couple years ago - something that didn't work for me. Hate to sound so wishy washy...but it is what it is.

Last night as husband was walking, I pulled out the soduko puzzle book and did a quick one. My flute (and beginner book) were sitting there - something I did not touch in January even though I wanted to start relearning. Another thing to add to February. I am in a holding pattern with the house build and I need to get my lists together and organize the build folder so I know what we need to focus on. AND I should just go ahead and do something regarding sorting through this house and figuring out what I can do now regarding it. The hardest thing is STARTING...

Deb
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1/30/20 8:14 P

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If only, if only...I could get my eating under control. I would eat as I used to. I stopped buying things I know I shouldn't eat. Things to work on.

SPin and Group Power were great classes tonight. I did have to drop my weight at one point due to my sore triceps. I am not sure exactly what Jen had us do on Tuesday but the triceps were screaming.

Unexpected lunch with inlaws today. MIL was in a decent mood, although she spent most of the time complaining (no surprise). Evidently she spilled her coffee (which I didn't think she drank?) on her lap yesterday. And she has a blister/rash that needs to be treated. And the entire staff has MRSA. And the staff comes and takes HER gloves to use on everybody in the facility. She was in her element, smiling as she complained. The waiter got an earful when she told him she was released from her jail to have lunch. He handled it well, saying they were so honored that she chose to come to there on her furlough...took the wind right out of her tirade. I don't know if we will make happy hour tomorrow or not. Probably need to go just to see what's going on.

This weekend, probably a quick trip to drop truck off to younger son - along with a lunch with him hopefully. Older son and wife will probably stop by as well. I was hoping we would have more drawings on the house. Maybe tomorrow?

Deb
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1/28/20 9:27 P

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group power class today - or, rather Jen's modified group power class. She is subbing and is not certified to teach that. SO, we did power stations which tends to add in some cardio. Good class. Afterwards, I did a little time on the SciFit. When I was in cardio rehab, the trainer had me stand and use the arms on that machine. I would like to add a few minutes of this into my routine a couple times a week.

Although I think I have made decent efforts this month, both exercise and eating wise, no weight changes have taken place. Body structure is feeling worse, SO - what do I need to do differently going forward? Get more cardio in. Plan meals and watch amounts. Reduce the coffee and creamer?

Had a couple suspect spots removed by the dermatologist last week. Spot on chest was abnormal, but lab results indicate all suspect area was removed. Spot on leg was fine. It's interesting in that the leg one bothered me more. The chest spot was itchy for a couple weeks, then nothing. Glad I didn't let it go, even though I know I pointed it out last year to another dermatologist. Got a brush off from them - "Oh, that's nothing." I've been very lucky considering how much time I have spent in the sun all my life. and how many years I did not use sunscreen.

Deb
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1/26/20 2:06 P

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Spin and Group Power attendance on Thursday. Good classes. Group Power was packed. I actually talked to a couple new people. The class can be rather cliquey in some spots, and then there are always the regulars who don't want to make eye contact or talk at all - so it was nice to have a couple new people initiate conversation. I hopped on the elliptical yesterday for a few minutes - should have done longer, but at least i did something. Just got back from a dog walk. Very slow. The rescue guy had a cancerous tumor removed just over a week ago so he is moving rather slowly. But - as I said - at least we got out.

MIL melt down on Friday. I had thought things were even keeled. She lashed out at FIL after we left from Happy Hour. I questioned him if he thought my presence might have something to do with her outbursts - as in she thinks I am controlling the situation. She says she never intends to have lunch with us ever again...Will find out later today how things are going.

This week - have my meal plan together. Have an exercise plan. A few meetings here and there. Hoping to get some organizing and cleaning done - starting as soon as I get off here.

Deb
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1/21/20 7:45 P

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Group Power was tough. My mind was playing games with me prior to going. I was telling myself how cold it was and how hard it would be to leave the warm house. But I did it. It was cold. But I made it. I did not stay for Cardio Fusion. Too pooped from Group Power. I saw the gym is doing equipment orientations this week. There are a few tomorrow I think will fit in with my schedule, so I intend to get to one of them and then do some cardio once I get acquainted with the new things.

Made a navy bean soup today that we had for dinner. Husband couldn't tell the difference from the split pea soup I made over the weekend. I never thought he had trouble with colors, but maybe so. The taste is fairly similar. And all the ingredients, except the peas, were the same.

today was the dentist. Tomorrow is dermatologist for a skin check and check on a couple skin items that are bothering me. Hair on Thursday. I've been hitting the doctors this month. Still need to schedule 1 more. And I'd like to fit in some pamper time. That may have to wait til February.

I will miss lunch with inlaws tomorrow. Have meetings and lunch with mom and sister scheduled for Friday. Meeting with accountants for FIL next week. It's been a busy month trying to get organized. Cleaned the master bath closet out yesterday. Office closet really needs to get to the top of the list. After moving things out of the garage.

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1/20/20 7:53 P

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Frustrating day - spent almost 1.5 hours on chatline with a customer rep to create a new email address for my son. I'm not an idiot (usually emoticon ) - you would think this would be an easy thing to do. It's not. I think it is done. Then BIL is being his normal, irritating self. If it was family stuff, it would be ok. His prerogative. But - it's work. His laziness. His lack of initiative. His effort to be as misunderstood and misunderstanding as possible. His attitude at work. AND his attitude toward my husband (his younger brother) and me who are his bosses. I had been trying to have a better approach and attitude toward him. Trying hard not to complain to husband...but today was the kicker. Not sure how much longer this can continue. UGH.

I bailed on Cardio tone today. Plan to attend Group Power and Cardio Fusion tomorrow. Plan to...also need to get to store tomorrow and stock up. I adjusted the meal plan this morning.

Sitting at the computer all day does not do me good. I've got to tweak my schedule. I was much happier and more consistent working out in the mornings. Things to consider.

Deb
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1/19/20 5:22 P

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My tough mountain walk/jog was not a success story. My legs are STILL sore. Moderation next time. After making it through Monday's cardio tone, I was in cope mode all week. Thursday's plan for work out was derailed by the rescue guy's surgery pickup. And although I thought about the elliptical a couple times...I did not act on my thoughts. Will I act on them later tonight? We will see.

And this week's eating plan was blown out of the water by life. Lunch out on Weds. Friday night out to dinner as older son showed up unexpectedly and we went to visit MIL for a bit. Saturday dinner out as a meeting went on and on and on. And brunch out today as we visited younger son. When we got home, a made a batch of sweet stuff (why??? emotional eating I guess) and have eaten way more than I should have. Actually I should say I shouldn't have eaten ANY - shouldn't have MADE them. Maybe time to toss all the baking supplies?

In other words, tomorrow is a good day to restart with my objectives. I did start a crock pot of green pea soup this morning prior to out trip to visit younger son. So tonight is covered - altho husband questioned why the soup smells 'musty'.

In a bit, I will review the eating plan. Cold weather is returning to our area - YEA! I need to hit the store tomorrow to stock up on some things. reinforce the meal plan. I have not written down my meals since last Thursday. Hope I can remember. If not - start again today.

Exercise plan will be reviewed again. This week - THIS week - I will do better than last week.

Deb
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1/13/20 9:44 P

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cardio tone tonight was a struggle. But complete. Legs were tired from yesterday's mountain walk/jog. My sister bailed on me. Not surprised. I do think she would have had a hard time as the class seemed hard tonight. She said she was going to go tomorrow. we will see. I am already rethinking my attendance tomorrow as the legs are pretty sore.



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1/12/20 2:07 P

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Started the week off with a bang. Had husband drop me at mountain and up I climbed. 28 mins to the top. Jogged down (shh - don't tell husband) in 16 mins. Then walked back to the house along the sidewalk as it was too wet and goopy along the path. 32 mins back home included 1/2 mile of jogging (6 mins). I'm surprised in looking at these numbers that it was only 32 mins back home. A good total time of 1.5 hours. I fixed one of my coffee protein shakes when I got home - first one I've had in 4 (?) months? After our later breakfast, I am hoping the shake will keep me til dinner.

Sister asked me today about getting together as she is planning on coming to the gym tomorrow. I'm glad. and I will try hard to be supportive of her efforts.

Need to tweak meal plan already as we ran out of propane last night. So last night is now tonight, assuming husband goes to get propane today. But - important thing is I have my plan.

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1/11/20 7:38 P

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cardiologist visit went well - all looks good. Last time I saw him, he had recommended I try a food plan that he was on. He had lost 40 lbs. Very restrictive and relies on using their items, except for one meal. well - he has gained it all back - plus some. He did not mention weight - his or mine this time. Just said to keep exercising like I am.

And I have bailed on the gym the rest of this week. Did not get to SPin or Group Power. But - I will improve my attendance next week. I did jump on the elliptical today and did some hand weights. Finished the book I was reading - basically the 3 items to note - exercise aerobically 4 x a week, lift weights 2 x per week, eat decent food. Annoyed I spent the money on the book as I really did not like the author's 'attitude'. Don't like he's getting money from me....oh well. It was my choice to buy the book. Pretty much everytime I read a book like this, I think "I know what to do...why did I buy this?" GUess I COULD just do what I know I should do, huh?

Went to happy hour yesterday with MIL and FIL at her place. I had hot tea, which really seemed to annoy MIL. There is a different vibe about the place now, as several people have passed on and/or moved out. And staff changes. It was not a fun time yesterday. People basically looking at each other. MIL was complaining about everyone there, telling me all sorts of things - who knows if any of it was true. I will skip lunch tomorrow as tomorrow would have been my parents' 64 wedding anniversary. I will meet mom at church tomorrow and then we will plan on taking mom to brunch with sisters.

I have my meal plan for next week. I have exercise classes planned. I hope to do a better job next week living my plan.

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 1/11/2020 (19:39)
Deb
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1/7/20 8:02 P

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Went to cardio tone yesterday and then did an additional 10 mins on the treadmill afterwards. Over the last 6 weeks, the gym has replaced all the equipment - tms, ellipticals, weight machines - everything. I did not like the treadmill I used yesterday, partly why I only did 10 mins. Feels cluncky and heavy. I will take my headphones and music next time and try different units out and will hopefully find a better one to use. I noted they added a few scifit machines and will add that one in as well. Class was good, but I was not happy with the image I saw in the mirrors.

Blood work from physical came back. Everything looks good. It really doesn't match the blood results from the functional med place...which makes my conspiracy mind reinforce the negative feelings I got from the PA I saw there. I see the cardiologist Thursday. Altho I am very glad there is 'nothing wrong' with me, it makes it frustrating to realize I am my own problem in losing weight.

I wonder each year what sparks the belief that 'this time is different'? Don't get me wrong. I am happy I am optimistic...just wondering when reality will burst my balloon.

Meeting tomorrow with builder. Hoping we can get things moving and really get started. Then lunch with inlaws. Not looking forward to it. Had lunch with them Sunday, along with SIL and BIL. MIL was not expecting us to be there...it was interesting (and sad) to see her reaction. It was obvious she was not that happy to see us. It was also interesting to watch how SIL and her husband deal with MIL - chitchat about a fiction book, chitchat about weather, chitchat about how much a watch costs at Walmart - all extremely shallow topics - but that seem to make her happy. And when I think about it, that's how she's always been. No conversations about actual meaningful subjects. Just keep it light and basic. Oh well - maybe I'm the problem. emoticon

SO - tomorrow, I will work at getting things to meld between the builder and decorator and what we want. Then I will try to be an insignificant and uninvolved lunch attendee.

Deb
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1/4/20 8:24 P

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While I have not made it to the gym yet in 2020, I have exercised at home. Elliptical, hand weights and walks. I am upping the time on the elliptical and realizing how hard a time I have mentally to just keep going. The book I am reading asserts that that you need to do mild cardio for 45 mins minimum. Funny as my husband has told me that for years and I've ignored him... emoticon Today, I did 3 sets of 10 mins, putting in the hand weight routine after each 10 mins. yesterday, it was 2 sets of 15 mins. I'll work on getting to the 45 mins. Physically I can do it - it's the mental aspect I need to work on.

Food has been on spot. Having the monthly plan (and actually living the plan) is a big help.

I had a physical yesterday. Looking forward to seeing the blood work results. I gave PCP the blood results from the functional med place and talked over some stuff with PCP. Cardiologist is scheduled for next week. She suggested I tweak my eating plan a bit - and add dairy back in - something I rarely eat.

So - decent start to the year eating and exercise wise. Now to keep it up.

Deb
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1/1/20 4:45 P

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Endings and beginnings. Life. Morning walk with the dogs. Elliptical and hand weights this afternoon. Some Christmas packing away - a few things to get to tomorrow and Christmas is gone. I think this was our last Christmas in this house as the builder is estimating 8 months (I'm thinking 12-18 months). Both sons asked whether we could go away next year - something I've been wanting to do since my dad passed away 5 years ago. BUT - the dogs and our parents have kept us here. I said YES this time. I think we will lose the 2 shepherd early this year. Found out 3 days ago the rescue probably has bone cancer and the other one is not responding anymore to the meds for her diabetes insipidus. The vet had told us once that happens, watch out for seizures and once she has a seizure, we need to be prepared to let her go. emoticon So - I am thinking we will be down to 1 dog + granddog next year. And we can find a place that allows 2 dogs.

As for parents...not sure what this coming year will bring. FIL is getting MIL out too much and letting her sit in her room alone with him. She is not participating in the activities and that is not good for her. She has been quite agitated the last week, yelling at him and insisting on a divorce (on his birthday at that). We took hoppin johns, collards and corn bread over for lunch and ate with her today. Dicey time. No doubt she is mentally better than she was - but there is no denying her dementia no matter how much she 'shows off' for us. FIL believes there is nothing wrong with her mentally...which makes me wonder how much more we need to watch him. My mom is beginning to show some concerning actions again. I need to spend more time with her, not just an hour or 2 every week. SOmething to work on this year.

I have my 20 habits for '20. Half of the habits I have down pat (usually) so it's really only 10 I am needing to be conscious of. Received my 2 new books yesterday. Started the 1st one last night and hope there's more specific info and advice given as I get further into it. 1st suggestion (rule) is 60 mins of exercise 6 days a week. Working on it.

Food wise, I am not restricting anything, but am making myself aware of what I am doing and eating according to a plan I have together. TRYING hard to stay within the plan. Limit extras. I have a meal plan for dinners together for January. Lunch is pretty much leftovers from dinner the night before. I have the plan - now - to live it - as I've said in the past.

Another thing I really need to be aware of: TRUSTing. Letting go of worry. Stop trying to control everything. And be nice/kind, especially to my family members. I will NOT let my BIL or SIL bother me...I will LET IT GO. I will continue to restrict access to toxic people and situations.

Now - let's go to it.

Deb
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12/29/19 4:16 P

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Christmas come and gone. Prepping for a new "best year" of my life. I find myself rehashing the same goals. Maybe I should call them habits instead. And find real goals to set and work on. In 2011, I ended the last 11 weeks of the year working on 11 habits. Since then, I've kept those 11 habits and added 1 each year - and those habits are solid things (rather ideals?) I want to keep. So for 2020, I will have my 20 habits (to be listed later).

I've spent the last 2 days reviewing my various eating plans over many years and trying to meld them into a cohesive plan that is reflective of what I want to do and work with my lifestyle. I still need to create my monthly list of meals - getting close.

I have reviewed the exercise classes offered (so long as the gym doesn't change anything next week) and cross referenced that with the activities my husband does at night to work with the meal plan I am getting together. Adding in an activity for us to do together. Noting the lunches with FIL and MIL (honestly, we are getting a bit too frequent with those both for her level of activity and eating out that often), noting when I want to try to have lunch with my mom and sister, AND figuring in work to the schedule... emoticon

Trying to give some thought to the real goals or activities I want to explore in the new year. Ordered 2 new books I want to start and get some ideas from. AND I have actually looking on line into a program to attend. I am on the fence about it - part of me feels it is the only way I will succeed - part of me thinks it will be a disaster - part of me thinks I will be embarrassed to attend. So - not sure. I will put that done for investigating more mid January.

I think back to 5 years ago when I decided to limit my interactions and reactions to the toxic people in my life. I think I've done ok...still room to improve. It was interesting to observe my toxic sister, having told myself not to let her upset me. I understand she is reacting out of frustration and unhappiness - BUT - it does not give her the right to act as she does. I had to laugh at church Christmas Eve as the usher 'was not doing it right'...and my mom and 3 sisters were about to have hissy fits, fingers pointing and shaking, toxic sister's face... emoticon emoticon I think I'm on the right track to consciously step back.

Which brings me to at least 1 main goal I have already defined. well, 3 goals. 1. To NOT get upset and react while driving. 2. to decide to NOT be upset and react in any situation. Be calm. Seek 1st to understand. React appropriately. and 3. To be kind and gentle with my family members.

Enough rambling. Elliptical is waiting. My bingo blackout for exercise has a few things that need to stickered off today.


Deb
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12/24/19 2:57 P

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Mountain walk today. It was a balmy 70 degrees - should have changed out of my sweatshirt before we went. Rather crowded. Husband worked with youngest dog so I made my way to the top on my own. Made it about 1/4 of the way down and ran into him. So, turned around and headed back up again with them. Kept feeling how out of shape I am, winded, etc. and consciously made myself offer thanks that I am alive and well enough to do the walk. So, I finished the last 12 hours of being 55 by doing the mountain walk. Yea me! Will I start the 1st day of being 56 doing this again? Maybe.

Older son called while I was huffing and puffing. His MIL's flight has been changed, so she gets into our airport at 9ish if she's lucky. They will end up staying the night with us instead of coming down tomorrow. Another yea! Will do mom's in a couple hours, bday cake for my nephew, church - and then either bak to moms or home to wait for son and others.

Need to get to the cleaning that needs to be done so house is ready. Not stressing over anything. Never did get the real tree...I put the porch one up with minimal ornaments. Both sons said they didn't care to get a live tree and put up the 'real' ornaments. Surprisingly, I'm fine with it too.

Deb
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12/23/19 6:21 P

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Saw It's a Wonderful Life today at the historic theater in our hometown - 2 of my sisters, mom, BIL, nephew, me and my younger son. I organized the outing as I thought mom would like to do something Christmasy all together - and I don't do alot of things like that with mom and sister. Older sister evidently gave a dressing down to the other sister who didn't attend. Surprised - but also makes me feel guilty in that I know I don't spend enough time with mom and oldest sister. It was a nice time today though. Glad we did it. I will work on improving my activities with family.

MIL on SUnday mentioned to me that I used to come visit her. She didn't ask me to return to visiting her - but I took it as an invitation to start to come by.

Sister today asked me to give her a copy of the exercise classes. I laughed and explained to her that I had them ready to put in her stocking. I am glad she had decided to go to the gym on her own without my intervention.

I did not make class today. Won't make tomorrow or Christmas Day either. Maybe Dec 26. Will see. If not, there's the basement equipment or the mountain or the neighborhood. Or TRX. SOmething will get done in the next few days.

One more day and I start another Best Year of My Life. Had to laugh at a blog picture I saw: Promised to lose 40 pounds this year - I only have 50 left to go. Unfortunately, it fits. But - I'm alive. I am happy to have the chance to attempt again in my next Best Year.

Deb
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12/19/19 8:22 P

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Spin class - I was the ONLY attendee. A bit uncomfortable being the only person. Jen is a great instructor and I made it through with the 1-1 attention. Then Group Power. The instructor for that class is an old friend of my oldest sister. The one I have been trying to get to come to classes since September when I gave her a month membership. As I discussed with the instructor, I am hoping my sister will come in January. Not January 1st, but maybe mid January. Or February. I have printed out the class schedules for Spin, Group Classes and Aquatics and will highlight the classes I attend (or intend to attend) regularly and I will put these in her stocking in an attempt to get her to go with me. Selfishly, I would prefer to attend alone - I really don't like attending exercise classes with people I know - am I weird? BUT - to get my sister exercising again - I can go with her.

My exercise bingo blackout sheet is looking good. Down to the wire on a couple things. It is supposed to warm up over Christmas, so maybe I will do the Mountain walk on my birthday. The intervals walking/jogging...the way my knees are acting lately, I may bail on those and mark them off with walking. I can adapt as needed.



Deb
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12/17/19 8:37 P

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Went to Cardio Fusion tonight to find out the instructor is having to step back from exercise until the end of January - if she is lucky. Last week in Group Power, she did not use weights, only demonstrated what to do - told us her doctor had told her not to lift until this week. Evidently her latest doctor appt was not good news. She suffered an aneurysm a few years ago. Hope she recovers from whatever it is.

So - instead of Cardio Fusion, we had kick boxing with her sub. Good class. I am shocked at how horrible I look in the mirror and how winded I get during these classes. BUT - I was there giving it my all. Afterwards, I did a round on the weight machine circuit. It was nice and quiet there, 4 people on the treadmills, 3 of us on the weight circuit, and a couple more on the free weights. I have been mulling over how to change my exercise routine so I would be there every week day - nice to see the level of low attendance at this time. Of course, January will be totally different due to resolutioners.

Eating has been fairly decent. I feel horribly bloated - not sure where it's coming from. Made several doctor appts for January to coincide with insurance change. Hoping I can take in blood work done last year and discuss with PCP and get some decent advise and direction. I know - eat better, eat less, exercise more....



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12/11/19 2:53 P

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Hydrofit today. I made it into the pool before the year end closure which happens Monday. Got my sticker on the space for my exercise bingo blackout. This sounds like such a small thing - but really it is huge for me. I've been talking about getting back into the pool since...March or April? Since we stopped the swim lessons with my in-laws before the arm fracture. There were only 2 of us in class, as the rest of the regulars were all attending a Christmas party. This worries me a bit as in the rest of the class may be rather cliquey. The other woman was very friendly and encouraged me to return in January once the pool is open again. I would like to add a weekly swim class and this class was good. My legs and arms are feeling nicely 'used' right now. Something to consider when I set my plans for January. The instructor asked about what exercise I had been doing and then laughingly said I was one of those 'land exercisers'. emoticon

I am feeling rather accomplished so far this week. I have made it to the gym, I have NOT gone crazy eating wise, I am staying on track while left to my own devices while husband is gone. I need to update my exercise sheet to see what else I need to get done sooner rather than later.

Deb
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12/10/19 9:07 P

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Group Power today - upped my weights a bit. The class has quite a bit of cardio in it. I missed yesterday's Cardio Tone as I had to return granddog to my DIL. Many dog walks yesterday and today. I am glad Jerry returned to his home. I was just a bit hurt to see how happy he was to see my DIL... emoticon .

Walks tonight were cold. It was muggy and hot this morning ahead of the front - felt like tornado weather. About noon, the wind picked up and the cold started in. It is supposed to be rainy and cold here the next few days - not looking forward to walking the dogs the next 2 days.

My younger son turned 20 today. Hard to believe. He had a final this morning - when I talked to him, he lamented it seemed everything he studied was not on the final - everything he thought wouldn't be on the final...was. Been there. Not a good feeling. Told him he can't do anything about it - so let it go. He has 1 more final on Saturday. Hope his semester ends well.

So - I am where I was 20 years ago - kindof...20 excess pounds to lose. emoticon emoticon

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 12/10/2019 (21:09)
Deb
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12/8/19 9:32 P

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Nice get together with my friend last night. Still felt some guilt in not supporting my husband...but, I am so glad I did not attend the party. Husband said the party was not as bad as it has been in the past, but it was still unpleasant for him. We are just home bodies at heart. It was good to catch up with my friend. She's having a tough time with work and her ex. I think she needed someone to listen and I was happy to do so.

Husband leaves tomorrow for the week. I am trying to get my mental toughness in place. I have plenty of food in the house and will continue my emphasis on veggies. I have not written out a menu plan - but may (should) do that tomorrow to keep myself on track. I am a bit nervous at having 4 dogs. Hopefully the granddog will return to his house so I can manage 'just' 3 dogs. I hope the weather stays nice so I can get in some nice dog walks.

Getting to the gym every single day is a lofty goal I have this week. I know it's going to be tough for me to see this goal to a successful end. I MUST get to the pool this week. MUST.



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12/6/19 9:10 P

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Not sure now what caused me to miss classes yesterday. Work had me busy. Then, sister called to see if I wanted to join her and mom for a tree lighting. I didn't. I felt I should...I know I should have...but I didn't. Then today, I got dressed in workout clothes thinking I would hit the gym at mid-day. Work again got to me. I have to finish something tomorrow for husband to take with him as he travels out early Monday. However, I did manage to do the rower, the elliptical and hand weights in the basement. And 3 dog walks today. I am going to have to hit the gym next week to get my exercise bingo blackout done.

Saw an ad for a Christmas movie outing at an historic theater in our hometown. Sent out a text to all sisters and mom about doing it. 1 sister responded she'd check and get back, one sister said "Don't count on us", and haven't heard from other sister and mom. I'm trying to make up for not doing the outing yesterday. I feel I don't do enough with my mom and the one sister does everything with her - need to work on improving that...

The more veggie plan this week has been enlightening. I have only lived the plan 100% 1 day. The other days, I've modified due to 1) eating lunch out 3 days I did not intend to and 2) having more leftovers than expected. When it's just husband and me, I think we end up cooking 3 times and then having leftovers. Harder to do when younger son is here. He has finals next week and then will be home. So - I will again plan a more veggie week and I have most of what is needed for that.

Tomorrow - I am bailing on a family party I absolutely despise attending. I have made plans with a friend so I can honestly say I had other plans. Husband will attend as he is helping get his mother there. I feel a bit guilty not attending...but it's better that I don't.

Deb
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12/5/19 2:06 P

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Missed Monday Cardio Tone, but I made Tuesday's Group Power. Was thinking, maybe I'd stay for Cardio Fusion - but Group Power had some surprising cardio raising moves in it - decided to head home instead and have dinner with husband. Right choice. My bingo blackout is on pace to be completed - but I need to go ahead and get the swim in. Pool closes Dec 16 for annual maintenance.

Starting to feel some Christmas blahs. We are not very social and I am ok with that. Always been a homebody. I am choosing not to attend a family party this weekend. It's making me feel uneasy. I don't want to offend the hosts, but I HATE going to this party. My husband may be going if his mother wants to attend. I am making other plans so I can honestly say I have a conflict.

Tonight is Spin and Group Power again. Tomorrow - swim?

Deb
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12/1/19 2:56 P

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I managed to get to church this morning. 1st Sunday in Advent. Altho, perhaps my heart wasn't in the right place? Visiting pastor - and I struggled to find any meaning in his meandering sermon...my hackles got raised by my mom immediately upon sitting down...(I know, I know - it's me and my reaction)...guess I should have prepared myself a bit more. Came home instead of eating with mom and sisters. Husband and I have completed a few projects on our list. Still more to do. I need to get the dogs out on a walk. I've followed my eating plan, altho I have adding in a few side things. And I did have 3 cups of coffee after resisting until lunch time. Headache was getting to me.

So - found a replacement fake tree for the porch. Got the hanging lights from the warehouse to put up on the porch. Still need to find the hangers. Couldn't find warm icicle lights for the front porch - the bright white one I got last year are TOO bright. Debating whether to search online or just go with it again this year. We do minimal decorating outside - and already feeling inadequate based on the neighbors. Gotta get over that. DO what makes us happy.

TRX, elliptical and dog walks today. Getting my bingo sheet going. Going to add in some goals for learning to be more patient with my family. Got to.

Deb
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11/30/19 3:39 P

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Exercise 'bingo style' blackout plan made and printed - and attached to the bathroom mirror for me to see every am and check off every evening. This week's more veggies menu plan made and printed. I need to get a few things at the store tomorrow or Monday. The extra rolls have been packaged and placed in the garage freezer. Likewise the extra coffee cake that was not eaten. What remains of the pies will be trashed tonight. Smoked turkey soup is on menu for tonight.

I have taken the dogs on 4 short dog walks already today. TRX, hand weights and elliptical later today or tonight. After I had created the exercise plan for the month, I stumbled across a saved 15 mins monthly treadmill plan. The plan has you do 'just 15 mins' on the treadmill everyday, switching between a level, steady walk; a climbing walk; and a speed walk. I do not have a treadmill, but I do have an elliptical and had saved the plan for inspiration. I started to add the daily 'just 15 mins' elliptical to the bingo blackout - but stopped. If I manage to add that in, great. I also found monthly challenges for planks, squats, lunges, etc. I will stick with what I created.

Feeling quite chunky right now. Bloated. Icky. I did not overindulge the last few days. I am not sure why I have ballooned up. Seriously, I am confused. I am thinking I will reduce/eliminate coffee for a while. I used to not drink it at all. Surely I can go back to tea only. I've made a conscious effort to increase water lately, hoping that would help something. A friend brought over a bundt cake the day before Thanksgiving. It is sitting there, all wrapped up. Not sure what to do with it. Freezer? Thinking yes - will slice it up, so I can tell what kind it is and thank her for it - and then later in December, it's there to be offered to others.

AS I say every month, how did it get to be the start of another month? 25 days left to have the best year of my life.

Deb
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11/29/19 10:54 A

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Busy Thanksgiving visiting my side of family and then husband;'s side of family. Only drama occurred when our younger dog and granddog were playing and our younger dog sliced granddog's ear open. She's done this before - but it was a much worse slice this time. Granddog may have to have part of his ear removed...son is not happy with us. I understand, but I know it was an accident while playing and not an attack. I just hope this doesn't impact their plans to come and stay at Christmas.

Already had a dog walk today. I think I will get the TRX out today and get back to that in December. Mulling over making a December exercise challenge for myself and exactly what I want it to include. I enjoyed and found challenging what I attempted in April that was curtailed by MIL's accident - the jog a minute equal to the date - not continuous, but in totality. However, it will be December with iffy weather conditions...but shouldn't a challenge BE challenging? Altho not so challenging I know from the start that I am bound for failure...I have another day to come up with something. Bingo style blackout maybe???

Eating yesterday was ok. A bit too much breading stuff. Husband said his hands were hurting this am - I asked if he thought it was sugar as I think we had way too much sugar yesterday - hidden in everything. I have the smoked turkey simmering now - will make soup tomorrow. Thinking we will have a 'more veggies' theme for next week.

Deb
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11/28/19 10:31 A

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I love Thanksgiving. I have written about it before here so I won't explain my reasons again. A chance to stop and be grateful. Intentionally. I try to live each day giving thanks along the way - but a full day of being consciously thankful - hard to do. It's so much easier to complain, isn't it? emoticon

My nightly bedtime reading habit, something I have been fairly successful at the last 2 months!, has me feeling rather 'stupid'. I read Krauthammer's Things That Matter first, and am now into his The Point of It All. The Point of It All seems a bit easier to me to comprehend, but maybe that's because I am getting used to his writing style? I took my obligatory history and political science classes in college, but being an engineering major, that was the 'fluff' stuff. I am so out of depth reading his articles - I get the general drift of his words - but the nuances and innuendos and references...a struggle. Similarly, my 88 yo fil yesterday was discussing oak tree varieties with (to?) me, lamenting that he wasn't sure whether a particular tree was a bur, willow, black, water or white. I have never been one to study/know about horticulture (had to look that up to make sure I got the reference correct). My father was a master gardener and loved to study plants. The gist of what I am getting to is that I feel quite dull. My life is very narrow. My obligations to our companies, my home life, the dogs all keep me very busy (in my opinion) and the time I decompress, I tend to not 'do' or learn anything. Rather troubling to me when I stop and think about it. My cousin asked last week what I did for fun...fun? when? In summer, we do surf at the lake. I like to exercise. But - I think I need to give some thought to expanding my life and activities a bit next year.

Off to Thanksgiving.

Deb
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11/27/19 6:52 P

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Actually had a good time on the short trip. Everyone got along. It was nice to see my aunt, uncle and cousin again and meet her 2 kids and one spouse. Uncle appears to be in late-beginning or early-middle stages of dementia. He has changed and I can tell it is taking a toll on his family. My sisters and I all got along. Mom made a comment on drive home how nice my BIL was to me...and my response was "I hope I was nice back to him?" They are in town now for Thanksgiving and we all had dinner last night. We shall see what tomorrow holds.

Made Cardio Tone class on Monday. Yesterday and today have been dog walks. In the back of my mind to get to the gym Friday. After Monday's class, I browsed through the remodeled weight room and ran into Matt, the cardiac rehab nurse who got me back to exercising. It was good to see him.

So - mulling over how to address what I see as a complete lack of progress. Eating has been pretty decent - quality and quantity both. I must make a commitment to NO SUGAR, NO FLOUR. How many times have I said this now? Will today be the day I finally listen, acknowledge and commit? Actually...no. but Friday may be. emoticon



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11/21/19 9:11 A

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Spin class last night. Glad I went. The last week has not been a good one for gym time. I have managed the dog walks. It is what it is.

I am about to leave with my mom and oldest sister for a few days. My mom's sister, who I haven't seen since my grandmother's funeral in 1993, is visiting her grandson near where my 2nd oldest sister lives - this is the toxic sister I have issues with. So - we are going down to stay at my sister's and meet the aunt and her daughter and grandson on Friday. Mom and her sister have never really gotten along - lots of jealousy and hard feelings - very different lifestyles all their lives. BUT - they got together last month at their brother's and seemed to enjoy being together. They are getting older and realizing that for all their differences, they are family. Maybe I will learn that lesson sooner and try to have a better relationship with my toxic sister???. All in all - what does it matter? emoticon I am mentally preparing myself to be calm the entire time we are gone. My sisters and mom drift through life...I need plans and schedules...I can make it 3 or 4 days...I can.

Leaving husband to deal with MIL stuff. changes going on. Issues with caregivers. We had lunch with her yesterday and she complained about a woman at her table.."all she does is complain. She can't be happy about anything. I asked her why she moved in if she hates it so much." Had to almost bite my lip on that one. Avoided eye contact with husband. FIL was in a good mood, which means he talks over her - which upsets her. Knot in my stomach as I don't know where we are heading with her...did I mention I like routine, schedules and plans??? LOL

Deb
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11/11/19 7:39 P

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cardio tone today. Good class. Knees are hurting though. Squats and lunges seem to cause some issues. I don't know that I abused my knees in my younger years, as I didn't really run/jog for that many years - and I was never a long distance person. But I wonder how much I have damaged them. It's only the past couple years I have noticed a problem.

As soon as I got home, munchies. I said last week I need to plan out my snacks - and I have not followed through on that. Tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow.

Had some conversations with staff members where MIL is. Makes me sad to hear what she is saying about us - especially my husband. I have to remind myself part of it is the disease as I know some of the stuff she is spewing out is NOT true. what's hurtful is where there is a sliver of truth that has become distorted. Some of it's funny. Some of it is ugly. But it makes me feel so sad when I wonder if what she is saying is what she truly believes? The place had a Thanksgiving party yesterday that FIL forgot to sign up for. WE were all worried that she would be upset she didn't have any family there, so FIL arranged to take her out to lunch. She condescended to go have a SNACK, but informed everyone she HAD to be back as she had been invited and we had not...didn't even cross her mind that we could have been there with her, And honestly, it's good that she is becoming comfortable that this is HER place and we are not there very often. So - I should just let it go. It doesn't matter what she is telling everyone. I know what is real and not real. And so does my husband.

FINALLY seeing some action regarding out building. I have resisted packing up stuff before the demo, because I can't get a feel for when we will actually start tearing down. I need to go ahead and get a plan in my mind - what to salvage, what to try to sell, what to donate, what to pack away for later. And where to put stuff.

Edited by: CHIGGERCANE at: 11/11/2019 (19:40)
Deb
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11/7/19 7:20 P

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Spin and Group Power - just got home. I started to leave after Spin, then instructor asked me if I was headed down to Group Power. SO - I managed to convince myself to stay. So glad I did. I may try to get to both spin and group power on Saturday - we shall see.

Lunch with mother and sister today. Good thing I did go to exercise tonight.



Deb
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11/5/19 8:20 A

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Cardio tone yesterday. Got a call I had to take just as I pulled into the parking lot. Made it just in time for class to start. So glad I did. Eating yesterday was ok. Made it gluten free. Did not make it sugar free - but lower sugar.

Went by to pay the sitter for MIL and received updates. MIL is telling all the staff and other residents that all her family has abandoned her after stealing all her money. We took everything from her and stuck her there. A couple staff went to the sitter to find out about 'the family'...Sitter told them what's been going on. Older friends went by Sunday against wishes of FIL. I am worried that this couple will be assisting her (in their opinion). Sitter also confirmed what I had said about glassy eyes and confusion I see. MIL is good with some 'substance', but the details are missing and/or ever changing. I did not recognize the clothes MIL had on Sunday and sitter confirmed she has some clothes (not new) sitter has never seen before??? one day at a time.

Husband is back late tonight. One more day to stay on track to prove to myself I can be responsible to myself.

Deb
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11/3/19 4:48 P

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wedding yesterday was nice. decent weather. saw people I haven't seen in years. hoping the couple will be very happy. It was an outside ceremony - similar to my son's 2 years ago. The ceremony started - and word for word was the ceremony my husband and I put together for our son. We had pieced together things from about 5 - 7 ceremonies - so I know what we had was unique. Very moving to hear it again. Obviously the ceremony made an impact on the bride and groom - groom was a groomsman of my son's and his bride was his girlfriend at the time, attending the wedding. They personalized the vows - but it was so moving to hear the ceremony again. Made us smile. Husband said he is done with weddings now - for a long time.

Walked dogs this afternoon. SHort and slow - but a walk nonetheless.

Husband leaves town tomorrow for 2 days. Hoping with such a short trip I can stay on track and not succumb to my indulgences. Exercise for the week is planned.

I am better on the sugar and gluten consumption - but have yet to have a totally free of either for even 1 day in November. Will tomorrow be my day? Planning it to be.

Went to see MIL this afternoon. Short visit. 1st time I have seen her in almost 6 weeks. She looked good. She 'tolerated' the hug I gave her. Carried on conversation. Complained about FIL and money. Typical behavior. Her eyes looked a bit glazed to me. She prattled on as if afraid to let silence fall. Ice broken. I will not be there everyday as I was before but I will help to support her. I am very surprised (and pleased) that she has not yet fallen.

Deb
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10/31/19 8:55 P

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spin class today - the 30 min ride session. Good class. I did not stay for group power - errands to complete.

Spent a couple hours dress shopping today...not fun. I have a wedding to attend Saturday and of course I put off finding something to wear until the end. Actually met someone else attending the wedding who was doing the same thing. I showed her what I purchased and laughingly told her not to get it also. I found 4 dresses that didn't look 'too bad' - 2 were on the final clearance rack. So tonight, I tried on most of the casual dresses I have that I switched out last weekend. Oh boy...no denying it anymore. I ended up packing most of my dresses back away, as I know I will not wear them with the way the are fitting right now. It will be a while before I can comfortably wear them.

SO....a new month starts tomorrow. New resolve. I MUST get serious about my eating habits. No sugar. No gluten. Veggies. Water. I just put the Halloween candy in the deep freezer to give to my son when he gets home. Organizing my thoughts and mindset to start off November in a good way.

Deb
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10/30/19 9:00 P

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Short 20 mins on elliptical in the basement tonight. I was surprisingly not as sore as I had expected after Monday's class. Plan is to make Spin and Group Power tomorrow.

Had to spend some time with FIL going over financials associated with MIL. I've spent less time on her situation the last 5 weeks. Seems like the last few days, I am back to spending the majority of my day on things for her. I've thought about writing a book about this someday...which makes me laugh. I am not a writer, at all. But I feel like there's a book in me about this situation. Not sure yet how it ends...

Deb
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10/29/19 9:21 A

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Sub yesterday for Cardio Tone...OMG...TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH class. It was just tabata. Thought I was going to throw up at one point. So - yes, a good class. emoticon She did some core things I really struggle with. At one point, she encouraged us to pick up our feet - I can't. And I said "no", I thought to myself. Evidently not, as the whole class laughed and she chastised me a bit. In a good natured way. She teaches mornings...I may try to make her classes sometime if I can convince myself to get out in traffic. Hard to judge the traffic around here in am.

Food wise - I snacked when I got home, as husband was at dog class and dinner ended up being at 9 pm. Snacking is my downfall. But - meals so far are as planned.

So - obviously, I need to plan my snacks....

Deb
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10/27/19 9:32 A

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Younger son home this weekend - good to see him. He is so much like me at times, I cringe... emoticon He is very hard on himself and expectations. He offered up a few comments about school - sounds like he is doing well. I try not to probe - it is his experience, his responsibility. My parents had no clue about my college experience - and so it should be. Someone posted a comment along the lines of "How your parents raised you has nothing to do with you how you should raise your kids. The world you were raised for no longer exists." Sad - true in some ways...BUT - my parents raised me to be responsible, conscientious, considerate, moral, ethical - something I think we have passed on to our kids - I hope!

So - the week ahead - I have already planned meals and shopped. Son returns to college, so it will be just husband and me - easy. Exercise is planned out. I hope to live the plan this week - did not do 100% last week. Got a bit lazy towards the end of the week. Felt like I was coming down with something - but I think it has to do with the weather. Cool, damp, rainy, misty, and the darkness a bit earlier...don;t like it. Make me want to drink coffee all day/night and stay inside. I switched out clothes yesterday. Not sure everything fits - will work through this in the weeks ahead. WE have a wedding to attend Saturday - need to find a dress...and shoes...ugh.



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10/23/19 5:30 P

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Had a very short girls' overnighter Sat to Sunday. Friend from out of town flew in, crazy busy friend was able to join us for a couple hours. It was good to be together. I always feel a bit down after being with the out of town friend - her head injury from 37 years ago changed her so much - both physically and mentally. I hate the situation she is in. But - it is what it is. I worry for her future. She watches a lot of TV and she is susceptible to the ads. I tried to dissuade her from buying some things. A 'friend' who helps her out evidently encourages her join all sorts of clubs (wine, scents, food) - tells her to put it in her credit card and worry about it later! What's really upsetting is her physical condition. She matter of factly told us "I've been on a diet since I was 15." True - her mom had her on one way back then - and still has her on one now. Even though her mother lives in GA and she lives in IL. And those diets have done nothing for hr except make her larger and more out of control. Diets don't work.

Tuesday was group power. Been walking every day just a bit. Getting my food back to routine. Since stopping the Func Med's supplements, I am feeling better and more myself. Right decision.

Tomorrow - Spin and Group Power. Friday I am hoping I can get myself to the gym for either swimming or a class - or a run through of the machines - OR a mountain walk.


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10/16/19 6:17 P

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Received flowers today from the person 'responsible' for the situation yesterday...which I don't appreciate. I just want them to do their job. I don't need to be sucked up to. Just do what you say you are going to do - when you say you are going to do it. Supposedly they have finally done what they needed to do. We shall see. In the meantime, I have some beautiful flowers that I don't really want. I may send them to MIL...?

Today is a rest day. Fit in a much needed massage earlier. Helped to loosen up the back and neck - and hips.

Younger son called. He was wondering about plans for husband's birthday - on Monday. He cannot come home due to tests he has the next week. It was thoughtful of him to call. I told him his father would appreciate a text or phone call. We don't go in much for birthday celebrations anymore - but I know that will make him happy. Gotta find something to get him. He's hard to shop for. I guess this is the 1st birthday his mother will not 'recognize'. Although a few years we got into a tussle about his birthday - she was saying his birthday was 2 days earlier than it is, which is also his cousins birthday. When I corrected her (gently), she snapped back at me "I think I know when my son's birthday is!". Uh...no - you don't. what was funnier (to my husband) was she was wanting us to go to the opera...ummm - do you really think your son WANTS to go to the opera? emoticon

SO - I'm not doing a good job of NOT thinking about MIL during our requested break. Had to drop off supplies today while she was on an outing. Still need to track down a couple things she told the night sitter she needed. I will do these things - and THEN start the NOT thinking about MIL...

Deb
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10/15/19 8:10 P

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Tried a new class tonight - so glad I did. 45 minutes of MMA inspired moves - full cardio. I think this is the hardest cardio workout I've completed in 2 years. I thanked the instructor afterwards. She shared that she had health difficulties a few years ago - had to learn how to talk and walk again. Wow. I will try to add this class regularly. It fits in nicely with what happens at our house on Tuesday. Yesterday, I missed Cardio Tone due to doctor's appt.

Had a meltdown of sorts today - reacted inappropriately. Ended up going back to apologize for my behavior. I am still frustrated at the situation - but I reacted very poorly to innocent people. The situation still needs to be addressed with the correct people in the correct manner...but I am ashamed of how I reacted. After the encounter, I was reviewing things in my mind, trying to figure out what set me off. It's a scary situation, I have no control, I am relying on other people to do what they say they will do...and I realized that is how my MIL is feeling. And I realized that I was acting as she is - rude, lashing out at people, etc. The thought "You are turning into your MIL" stuck in my brain. And I realized I had to go back and apologize. So I did. But - I am trying to remember how easy it is to react when you are scared and frustrated - and not be as frustrated as I am with MIL.

I must let the situation unfold as it will. Stop worrying and trying to speculate on what I think will happen. Same with all situations. I MUST realize that I can only do what I can at the time. Control is an illusion.

My mother and sister are out of town this week. We have been requested not to visit MIL this week and next. Husband's out of town work has been rescheduled. I have a girl's weekend planned. Lots of work on my end, but I will try to have a good time.

Deb
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10/13/19 7:15 P

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Pit is still there - joined by the vague headache, half-way stuffy nose and overall achiness of impending cold or virus. I guess the adrenaline that has been keeping me going since April is running out. MIL is in AL, I have coordinated with the night sitters, moved her room from Memory Care and organized everything in the room and at the site - and we have been requested to stay away for 2 weeks. I think in my mind, once I told myself I was off duty for 2 weeks, the cold moved in.

I had planned to get full force back to the gym this week. We will see how I feel tomorrow.

I stopped my morning coffee/protein shakes a few days ago. Plan is not to have them this entire week and see what happens with eating/weight. I have a girlfriend's weekend planned for this upcoming weekend. Hope I can shake whatever I'm feeling.

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10/10/19 8:26 P

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Big pit in my stomach. I did not make classes tonight. because continuing MIL stuff. She will be released from hospital tomorrow - to assisted living instead of memory care... emoticon I am reeling. Frustrated. Worried. Sick to my stomach. I don't get it. We will move her room tomorrow am. Someone (not sure who) will go get her. Facility is recommending we stay away for 2 weeks. I have the night sitters lined up. AL director will try to get her to participate in the activities they provide - but there is no restrictions on her being in her room all the time. She will have a fall pendant. We can only hope for the best. Prepare for the worst. I am afraid she will be falling again on a regular basis. And she will isolate herself in her room. Thus degrade.

I will attempt to think positively about this situation. I will get back on track exercise wise next week - weekend if possible as I know tomorrow will be a full day mentally and physically. Meals back on track tomorrow.



Deb
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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
10/8/19 9:55 P

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I did manage some time on the elliptical today, plus a couple dog walks. Nothing major. Altho - that elliptical time was a struggle mentally. Food was absolutely horrendous today and I'm trying to figure out why. Part of the reason, I was alone and for the past several years, I have gotten in the habit of indulging myself when alone. SO - I ate several things I don't eat when others are around. And then I feel horrible. But - husband is home now and I can get my meals cleaned up.

FIL called this morning saying MIL was going to be released tomorrow.... emoticon ...which turned my day upside down. Turns out she is not. Good thing husband and I got involved because her normal facility has not been able to talk with hospital. Hopefully we got the wheels turning for communication. Worried now about FIL because he seems to be hearing what he wants to hear - not what is reality. So - was I emotional eating because of MIL drama? Also ended up talking with aunt in law for a long time. Not a fun conversation, but at least she is acknowledging what her sister is going through and she even brought up some things from 10 years ago that now make sense.

So - relatively little work accomplished today. Tomorrow will be a busy day. And I need to make time for some sort of exercise. Mtn maybe? Younger son will be home Thursday for a couple days, so I am not sure whether or not I will make Thursday Spin and Group Power.

OK - I have indulged enough on food for the entire month. Gluten and sugar overload - curious to see if I have trouble sleeping tonight due to that.

Deb
Changing my life 1 step at a time.


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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
10/7/19 7:22 P

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Made Cardio Tone today. I almost allowed myself to bail. So glad I forced myself to get there. Mentally, I needed to get to that class. Yesterday,I ended the day with 16K steps. Today, I'm currently at 11600 - still have a couple dog walks to get in. Exercise was so much easier years ago when I made it a morning routine. It doesn't fit with my schedule anymore, tho and I like these afternoon classes. No use in whining. Just do what I can do.

Spent about 2 hours today doing stuff for MIL. And most of what I did was not successful. Nothing like making me feel useless.

Husband called. 1/2 of the people on the boat got seasick - bad. Including him. He said he thinks he's done with deep sea fishing...To make matters worse, bad fishing. I don't think we've ever had a successful fishing trip. Except for Costa Rico.

Tomorrow - work, household errands, husband may be coming home, walking the dogs.

Deb
Changing my life 1 step at a time.


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CHIGGERCANE's Photo CHIGGERCANE Posts: 943
10/6/19 11:15 A

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Another week of MIL drama disrupting my plans. I know it sounds like excuse after excuse - I guess it IS excuse after excuse - but it is the reality my life is right now. Yes - I could have forced myself to go to the gym to these classes. But - I was needed elsewhere. Yes - needed. I made the best choices I could last week.

I did end up walking everyday. So I count that as a positive. I have already completed 2 dog walks this morning. Our grandog is visiting for a few more days, and husband leaves this afternoon for work. So - i will be walking the 4 dogs multiple times a day separately. If all I get done this week is walking - it's still a good week. I would like to fit in some hand weights, a TRX session, and maybe, maybe 1-2 classes at the gym. However, I am recognizing the need to be flexible to handle all MIL has to throw at us - and it's quite a bit.

I've spent a lot of time - too much time, I think - reviewing my 37 years of knowing this woman. The personality traits that are raring their ugly heads right now are traits that I have seen all along. Narcissism, sociopath, and psychopath have all been mentioned to us by the care staff- and I've reviewed their definitions - and laughed with husband over the relatable Everybody Loves Raymond sitcom episodes. I am reliving all the ugly times with her from the very beginning - things I thought I was over and had moved beyond - in search of understanding where she is right now. The staff has told me she mentions me often - 'she's a tough one', 'she's the one who makes things happen', as in blaming me for where she is - but also in recognition that if she needs anything, I am there to see she gets it. Love hate relationship...LOL. Husband was able to see her for almost an hour yesterday. She is still angry and lashing out. It is the same as reasoning with a child. I pray she reaches a state of calm soon. I do not like to see her anxious and angry.

So - I have been reading at night, as I wanted to do. Meeting those goals. I found a book called "dear deb" and since my name is deb, decided it was fate that I should get it. So far, I am still searching for the reason I got it emoticon as nothing has 'spoken' to me yet. With husband gone the next few days, I hope to get some cleaning and organizing done. Weather is FINALLY changing - nice cool breeze out today and we've dropped out of the 90's - so clothes change out may take place. All depends on what MIL throws at us - and how the dogs behave. And work.

It WILL be a good week.

Deb
Changing my life 1 step at a time.


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