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5/9/10 9:20 P

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In reading DWDMOTHERHEN's response, I was reminded of something that I read or heard somewhere before concerning when asked questions such as "When are you getting married?" or "Do you have a boyfriend?" A very good reply is "Why do you want to know THAT?" Then see what the person replies. I would think they wouldn't have much of a reply to THAT...LOL. Take care hon, and keep in touch with us.

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Pam

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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5/9/10 4:53 P

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FATHINSN
I identify with you on a number of levels.
From a young age I struggled with depression, I have a daughter about your age, and I love cats too.
I also grew up in a family where I felt that I never could live up to the expectations. There was a lot of pressure to achieve, and to be someone I'm not.

I think that you need a quick, all-purpose response for the busybodies, like "I'll let you know when the time comes," and then change the subject, preferably to something the other person loves to talk about, usually him or herself!

Often, people with depression unknowingly try to 'self-medicate," using caffiene, chocolate, food, painkillers, smoking, drinking, or even street drugs to try to feel better. It is my understanding that chocolate can actually stimulate seratonin in the brain, which is a chemical that is often lacking in the brains of depressed people. That you are particularly craving chocolate could mean that you have a shortage of serotonin that you are trying to replace, but chocolate doesn't work for long, so then you crave more.

The only way to find out whether there is a physical cause for your depression is to see a doctor. Yes, I read the part where you wrote that people in your community don't tend to go to doctors much.
Here's the thing though: it is possible that like most of us here, you could have clinical depression, a medical condition which usually responds to treatment. The sooner a person with serious depression gets medical treatment the better -- both in the short and long-term.
Come up with another reason to see a doctor. The doctor will not tell your family why you came, because it would be against the law to do so. If you went, would your family insist that your mother or another female relative be present? Would it be possible and more private to see a female doctor? I would think that your family would understand if you said you didn't want to see a male doctor.

I realize that this would be a big step for you. It is just that I didn't get treatment until I was in my thirties, and I wish that I had gone sooner.

It is possible that your depression is caused only by your circumstances, and the stress that you are under. The incident you mention from a year ago could also have triggered some psychological issues. If this were the case, a therapist/counselor would be a great deal of help.

Also, your place of employment may give you time off for doctor's appointments, and you might be able to schedule them so that no one in your family is aware that you are going there. Your employer is not entitled to know the reasons for your doctor's appointments, and doctors and counselors do keep your personal information confidential.

It is a tough thing to confide in someone about these kinds of feelings. I remember the first time that I went to a psychiatrist I was so nervous and upset that I almost walked out of the waiting room to go home.
Each time it got easier, as I discovered that I was not going to be criticised or judged, that my world did not fall apart, and that I was not "crazy" because I had gone to a "shrink." Instead, I found understanding, caring, and help. I thought that if I ever told certain things I would fall apart permanently and never recover, or that I was somehow betraying my family or admitting to failure, and none of that was true either.
Think sbout it, and until you are ready to reach out for help elsewhere, please keep coming here for support. We do care, and we do understand how it feels!
Jodi

Edited by: DWDMOTHERHEN at: 5/9/2010 (17:00)
My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

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5/9/10 7:42 A

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You seem to have a bit of insight as to what is happening, and partly why! That is something a lot of people don't have.

Is there telephone service where you are that you would be able to phone. Then it isn't face to face, and the people there would have a better understanding of your particular set of difficulties.

I know it is very difficult to trust people after being the victim of a back-stabber, but try to tell yourself that back-stabers are in the minority - most people aren't like that.

In our society people often ask younger ones when they are going to get married, or have children etc. Fortunately that is getting less common as time goes on. My own son is 29 and has never had a "girlfriend" in that way, but has lots of friends who are girls. People ask him those questions and he just says when he is ready, that he has too much to do before being tied down. My husbands older sister (who is now coming up 70) was 32 when she got marrtied and started and family. Others have been quite a bit older, so you don't have this by yourself. I do understand the frustration tho'. People mean well, but speak before they think.

Make sure that you come here to talk regularly - there are two very good threads on this team - one is "Help - I am having a bad day" and the other is "Daily Check-in-7". You may want to check those out - the links are below:
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
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www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
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Remember to keep in touch :-)

Kris xx

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5/9/10 6:33 A

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Hi everyone,

First all, thanks for replying, quite encouraging and help me to get over this sorry state of depression. And second, payback fasting is what we Muslim always do when we didn't fast during Ramadhan month due to several reason (mine is because of monthly period). It's true I don't drink and eat during fasting period, from nearly dawn to dusk but outside that time period, I can have my balance meal and usually I manage to drink at least 2 litres water- it was pure heaven when drink just cold water when breaking my fast :D

In my community, it's almost unheard for people to go to doctors or physc. help, especially in close-knit community (even though my town just upgraded to city status). It's probably most people ashamed to admit their problem to strangers, even to close friends and relatives. In my case, I rather confide to less people, mostly online as what I feel inside is 180deg compare to what I shown outside. It's hard for me to share my inner secrets and feelings to people around me as I keep getting back stab in the end. Hard to admit this but one of my family member did terrible thing - crushing my trust by being infidelity. Ever since that time, it's hard to trust other people, I even lost almost 10kg because of extreme lost appetite during that terrible time. I did some shameful things, perhaps just to get attention and till now, those stupid actions haunt me.

It's true that I'm hard to myself, one close friend even said that and tried to convince me that I'm pretty and perfect. But as usual, when I start to have hope towards myself, doing things to make myself happy and less deprived, then the same factors from surroundings will drag me down - parents, peers, those pesky older people who keep asking annoying questions: "When are you getting married? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you ready to get settled down? Have you ever tried to be serious???".

I've read somewhere that a person who keep bottle everything inside, might looks calm outside but inner, it's a ticking time-bomb. I'm so afraid to be like that, just suddenly burst exploding.

Right now, what usually work for me - play with my cats, giving others chocolate as gifts, make other people laughs with my jokes and silly antics. This is why I really enjoy my working environment as even through heavy workload, I feel accepted among my colleagues as myself, not because I'm someone's daughter or sister. Even some of my colleagues including team leaders told me that I bring joy to works.

Eventually, I know I've to really talk to someone face-to-face but I don't even know if I'm ready to pour everything.

Edited by: FATHINSN at: 5/9/2010 (06:39)
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5/8/10 7:44 P

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Hello, FATHINSN,

I agree with the others about your comment on suicide. The feelings you are expressing about it need attention before anything else. Do you see a therapist? Your page doesn't indicate where you live or whether psychotherapy is easily available in your culture and community. Therapy is a private matter that, once the thoughts about suicide are under control, can make your life now and in the future so much better in many ways.

I see things on your Spark page that may help restore hope for you. You have the ability to enjoy yourself. You have a sense of humor and a sense of fun. Your photos show a beautiful young woman who takes pleasure in the company of her friends and has fun with her cats, and who makes her friends and pets happy. That is a great gift. You wrote in your post to the team that you hide your true emotions. The happy ones may be cut off right now,, but that smile on your face is radiant and genuine, not a mask to hide true feelings.

You find so much fault in yourself. You compare yourself to others in many ways, which is unfair to you. We are all different from the people in our lives, both siblings and friends, just because we are separate people with our own personalities, needs, dreams, goals and even physical traits. Some of us take longer to discover our goals or other aspects of life That can be looked at as opportunity for growth and things to look forward to rather than as character flaws.

Please do not think I am saying that you have no reason to feel depressed. Our emotions just happen to us; we do not choose them. What I am saying is that, from your own words and photos, you have much reason to hold on to hope.

Something else that I hope for you is that you are not living on chocolate to the exclusion of healthful foods. If chocolate is the only thing or the main thing you eat, I would say that you have an eating disorder. This is something else that would need treatment so that you do not damage your health. Seeing your doctor and a nutritionist is a good idea.

Please keep posting in the team and let us know more about you and how you are progressing.

Edited by: SYLPHINPROGRESS at: 5/8/2010 (19:52)
LAURIE, NYC

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5/8/10 6:45 P

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Vicki - my understanding of pay-back fasting is if you didn't do the full Ramadan fast for some reason, then you pay back in this way at another time.

Kris

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VXWALL1942's Photo VXWALL1942 SparkPoints: (0)
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5/8/10 6:39 P

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All of these posts speak very well to the issues you raised in your post. Please pay attention! You matter. You are a special unique individual whose talents are there. Just take the open honest time to see what you have accomplished. What is there about you that you would appreciate in someone else.

Can you tell me what is Payback Fasting? I saw that on your status and immediately thought of the dizzyness. Fasting can be harmful to your body and can weaken your mental defenses. Please help me understand.

I care, as do all of us on this thread! Please stay in touch with us. We are here for you and are worried about you.

vicki


vicki

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5/8/10 6:08 P

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I totally endorse what the others have said.

I noticed you focus a bit on chocolate, too! Do you normally find that you eat a little too much of it? IF so, then here is a tip that some Dr's and Dieticians recommend. Taking a piece of good quality chocolate, look at it, study it, savour the smell and the visual texture. Bite a bit off, hold it in you mouth for a little while - savour the flavour, the texture in the mouth, chew it very slowly - still savouring the taste etc. Then swallow. Repeat this exercise until the piece of chocolate is finished and enjoyed, and put the rest away for the next day.

With regard to the feelings of dizziness, are you actually eating proper food regularly (every three to four hours)? If you aren't then this will probably explain the dizziness - particularly if you are eating chocolate on an empty stomach and not eating anything else for a fair while. Your blood sugars will spike up high, and then drop suddenly which will leave you feeling like this. You are best to eat some protein (meat if you eat meat, or falafals, lentils, yoghurt, etc.) and some good carbs - wholegrains. This may help to prevent the dizziness you complain of. IF you still have this dizziness, then I would suggest going to your Doctor to be checked.

Often when people are confused and/or feel guilt, they don't share these feelings with others who care about them, and this only adds to the feelings of confusion and guilt. You really need to pluck up the courage to sit with your mother and talk with her - ask her her opinion, and ASK FOR HER HELP! I suspect that your comment about feminine traits don't mean looks (you ARE beautiful, by the way). What feminine traits are you referring to? I also suspect that your family is already proud of you, but may not have told you in a way that you recognise. Please, don't feel that you need to keep up with other members of your family - we can be a success in many ways.

My BEST suggestion would be that if it is possible where you are, see if you can find a good Dr and a good Therapist you can confide in. They will be able to give you the tools to help you recognise the really good qualities you already possess. One thing you COULD do, is ask your family and friends what THEY like about you and what THEY feel you are good at. Ask them to make a list, or you take notes. THEN when you have a lot, cut each one up into a strip and put it in a jar. Then each morning pick out a few and read them. Seeing it many times is often a more successful way of learning to believe in yourself more than just hearing it once. If you need to, go to that jar a few times in a day. That is NOT vanity - it is sanity, and in my opinion a necessity when we are hard on ourselves.

Please keep in contact with the team. We will help you as much as we possibly can - there is usually someone around so a response shouldn't be too far away.

Take care,
emoticon
Kris

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 5/8/2010 (18:25)
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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,405
5/8/10 2:46 P

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Please read carefully all the posts for you. We really do care and I know suicide is a sin in Islam (am I right, guessing from the pictures on your Spark Page) However, if you are even thinking about it, you need and can get immediate help that will be confidential. Please post again today to let us know how you are doing.
Ask your parents what they want. You will find most of all they want you to be happy and satisfied with your self. You can find that avenue, but you may need some professional help. I did and I waited for a long time that I regret, because of the satisfaction I have found now.
Inshallah!

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5/8/10 1:56 P

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Hello FAITHINSN, Please take note of what our Leader NANCYLEE46 has posted in her response. It really does sound like you need to get in to see your doctor immediately. We are concerned about you, and we care about you.

I am wondering why you are being so hard on yourself. Can you tell us more about what goes on in your life? You look very young, and those who are very young often have not reached full potential yet. Don't give up on yourself. By no means, will our team give up on you.

Is you family being critical of you, or is it just YOU who is being critical of you? You may never accomplish like your brother or like your parent's friend's children, but you can strive to be the best that YOU can be. You know you really don't have to do anything OUTSTANDING to make your parents proud of you. Most parents are both proud OF and FOR their children when they know their children are happy and doing the best that they can do.

You ask "How can I make myself much normal?" What is NORMAL anyway? Normal for whom? Who tells you that you aren't normal?

Much better in feminine traits? What feminine traits is it of which you speak? You look like a beautiful feminine young woman to me.

Much better in intelligence? You could think about going back to school if that is what you want to do.

Much better in finance management? Well, a lot of us fall short on that one...LOL. In today's world, money is tight for many people, but the goal is to not spend more than one makes. Know how much money you have coming in, try to put aside a portion of that each month for emergencies, and try to pay all of your bills on time to avoid late fees and interest. If you have credit cards, the best thing to do is tear them up, but the next best thing to do is to pay the bill in full each month rather than the minimum amount due. SparkPeople has articles here on how to plan a budget and stick with it.

I really didn't plan on posting this long response, but you seem so down. I am not sure that you are at all deserving of these feelings that you have about yourself.

Keep posting here on our team. We can provide motivation and encouragement to help you reach your goals. Tell us more about yourself, and let us get to know you. You sound pretty special to me, and I hope that soon you will also feel that you are pretty special, too.

Take care, and keep in touch with the team.

HUGS
Pam

Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team
Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 35,530
5/8/10 1:39 P

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I will echo Nancy's response to you, that you need to get help!
I'm sorry you're even thinking of suicide, but you absolutely need to talk to someone about it.
Do you have a therapist you can call? If not, call the numbers Nancy mentioned.
I'm worried about you too.
Leslie

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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5/8/10 12:56 P

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5/8/10 9:50 A

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FAITHINSN,

Your closing statement regarding suicide has me very concerned. Please call your doctor or therapist ASAP and if you don't have one here is the link to the help numbers we have on DWD team www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
sa
geboard_thread.asp?board=711x953x301R>56597

You can also look in your phone book, usually there are help numbers located in the inside cover.

If you are even thinking of harming yourself call 911 or go to your local emergency room to be evaluated and receive help now!! Don't wait - I can hear the anger and pain in your writing. You don't have to suffer like this please call someone now!!!

Please update me on how you are doing because we care.

Nancy

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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5/8/10 9:07 A

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If it's up to me, I will eat the whole 200gm Cadbury chocolate a day, just to keep myself lash out at other people or just break down into tears. But instead, I mix drinking lots of water and chocolate to soothe me as too much chocolate means a dizzy, confused me.

I'm tired of not letting my own feelings by just trying to be cheerful and smiling around people, especially when I'm so confused, so helpless and hopeless but it's hard to share my true self to those around me as I have too much betrayal and don't think I can handle one more from people I see face-2-face. Actually, I've meet a nice person who I can confide more about myself, about my worries and silly things, just being myself. But when he's gone, I just feel lost.

I think I'm such a failure to my family when I don't quite accomplish like my brother or my parents' friends' children. It's hard to feel happy for myself when in the end, I keep wondering, what did I do to make my family proud of me? How can I make myself much normal, much better in feminine traits, much intelligence, much better in finance management?

If not because of my faith and how suicide is such the biggest loser's action towards handling life problems, I might do it. But still, somehow I think I'm destroying myself slowly.

Please help.

### Fathin SN###
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