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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
6/20/10 10:09 A

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I've lost so much weight, I can now wear the earring that I wore in high school! emoticon

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DEBBIEK311's Photo DEBBIEK311 Posts: 937
6/19/09 11:26 P

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A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.

After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.

"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.

The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."

The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!

After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.

As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"

The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"

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DEBBIEK311's Photo DEBBIEK311 Posts: 937
6/3/09 10:56 P

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A little something to smile about... emoticon

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead!!

Next time he'll buy me a diamond...duh!!!

emoticon

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DEBBIEK311's Photo DEBBIEK311 Posts: 937
4/23/09 9:58 P

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Hi all,

Have you read BelgiumBabe's blog called: Gym Farts?

www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public_jo
ur
nal_individual.asp?blog_id=1998494


Let's just say, it made my day! Enjoy... emoticon

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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
1/10/09 12:54 P

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I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.


Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.


Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: AN IMPASTA.


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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
7/23/08 10:34 A

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"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies..."

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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
5/16/08 11:25 A

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"Never eat more than you can lift"
- Miss Piggy



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
5/2/08 1:02 A

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Spel Chek

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
5/2/08 1:01 A

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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
4/19/08 11:52 A

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I'm not fat! I'm just short for my weight!

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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
4/5/08 1:25 P

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Because of our current challenge:



"Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes," said the gym teacher.

"Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy."

"I'm freewheeling, sir."



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
4/5/08 1:21 P

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Because of our current challenge:



A little boy out riding his bicycle knocked down an old lady. She was a bit shaken, but got up, dusted herself off, then turned to the little boy and said,
'Don't you know how to ride a bike?'

'Yes,' he answered, 'but I don't know how to ring the bell yet!'



Edited by: DEBORAHKT at: 4/5/2008 (13:20)
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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
4/3/08 9:01 A

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Math Fact for the Day:

7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.


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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
3/31/08 10:47 A

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Question of the Day:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?


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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
3/31/08 10:44 A

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"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- a certain Pop Singer





Edited by: DEBORAHKT at: 3/31/2008 (10:43)
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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
3/31/08 10:43 A

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"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- an Actress

huh?
This is so deep, it went right over my head...

Edited by: DEBORAHKT at: 3/31/2008 (10:43)
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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
3/23/08 5:18 A

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All I Need to Learn about Life I learned
from the Easter Bunny!


Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep you paws off other people's jellybeans.

Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.

The grass is greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

~Author Unknown~



HAVE A HAPPY EASTER!


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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
3/20/08 1:29 P

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I heard something funny today!

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!

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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
3/15/08 10:33 A

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THIS MAY BE JUST THE WORST JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?



Quacking Up

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."

The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
wow

Edited by: DEBORAHKT at: 3/15/2008 (10:32)
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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
3/15/08 10:31 A

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Blood Test
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !



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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
3/13/08 6:56 A

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A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, " Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist fro m the New York Times , you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page.
The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.


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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
2/28/08 12:15 A

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You know why they fired the blond at the M&M factory?




She kept throwing away the W's

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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
2/27/08 7:56 P

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Yo Mama so fat...






Jabba the Hut said "Dang"!



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
2/27/08 7:54 P

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Why didn't the teddy bear eat his dinner?





Because he was stuffed!



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
2/25/08 9:45 P

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Yo momma so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.


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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
2/16/08 12:29 P

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"Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg."
~Unknown


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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
2/11/08 8:59 P

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I have a face of a Saint - a Saint Bernard! LOL!



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
2/11/08 8:36 P

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A true story... my true story...

For all Debs who have a mother in law, this one's for you...

On Saturday afternoon, I was getting in a really hot strength training workout, when the most dreaded thing happened... a phone call from the mother in law...

She asked, "What are you doing?"

I answered, "I'm working out."

She said, in amazed disbelief, "Reeaaallly?"

I said, in utter annoyance, "Yes."

She said, "Well, what d'ya know about that?! Why do you reckon'? You telling me that you're working out reminded me of a dream I had last night. I dreamed I was sitting there and you walked in. And you were so slim and trim and pretty. I hardly recognized you! Of course, you've always been pretty, but, I did, I dreamed you were just slim and trim... Now why do you reckoned I dreamed that?"

I simply said, "I do not know."



Disclaimer: I really do love my mother in law...


...most of the time...

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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
2/8/08 8:21 P

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Wouldn't you know it.... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.



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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
2/7/08 5:32 P

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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
2/6/08 11:21 A

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What do you call two fat men having a chat?
A heavy discussion.


Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says 'to be continued.'



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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
2/6/08 10:43 A

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Question: Why are married women heavier than single women?

Answer: Single women come home, see what’s in the frige and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.

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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
2/2/08 11:04 A

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30- day Diet

An overweight clerk consulted the doctor for advice. The doctor advised that the clerk run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would burn off as much as twenty pounds.

The clerk follows the doctor's advice and, after thirty days, was pleased to note a loss of twenty pounds.

The clerk phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, there was one last question:

"How do I get home, since I'm now 300 miles away?"



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
2/2/08 10:57 A

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Calorie Guide

Activity ..............Calories Burned per Hour

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces. . . . . . . . . 350



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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
2/1/08 1:25 P

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We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
1/31/08 4:03 P

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I have no idea how much I weigh because I can't weigh naked. Without my glasses I can't see the scale.



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
1/31/08 4:03 P

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I'm not fat. It's just that my body naturally retains chimichangas.



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
1/31/08 4:00 P

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Thank you Debbiesty for sharing these funnies!


"I was reading one of those weight-and-height charts the other day, and I discovered something: I'm
not too fat, I'm just too short." ~ Comedian Buddy Hackett




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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
1/31/08 12:35 P

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Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate her with four or five cupcakes.

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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
1/30/08 5:22 P

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One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.



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DEBBIESTY's Photo DEBBIESTY Posts: 1,742
1/29/08 4:23 P

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Our New diet

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful. We never even felt hungry! But when we realized we were gaining weight and not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There in fine print, it said, "Serves 6."



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DEBORAHKT's Photo DEBORAHKT Posts: 965
1/29/08 9:05 A

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Have you heard a funny joke or story lately?

Don't be afraid to tell a weight related humorous story, like this one:

There were two little chubby sheep grazing in the field. One was complaining between chews that she was soooo fat. The other little sheep, feeling a little chubby herself, said, "Ewe's not fat, ewe's just fluffy!"

Ok, Ok, so it's an old one...

Please do not reply to this post, so that it remains at the top.

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