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NANCYLEE46's Photo NANCYLEE46 SparkPoints: (0)
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5/26/10 11:02 A

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MORELOK - hope all is going better and you have reviewed your sleep and effectiveness of your medication with your doctor.

Keep us posted and I am assuming no news is good news emoticon
Nancy

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
5/22/10 8:10 P

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MORELOK In that case, I really hope that you would have already had a sleep study done, but if not, it would be a #1 priority now.
If you are having that much trouble sleeping, then it is not surprising that working out is a hard sell, so kudos for keeping up the effort. I also admire you for maintaining your work schedule in spite of your current difficulties.
I hope that the sleeping pills start helping, but there are quite a number of other sleeping pills and other possible meds that could make it easier to sleep even if they don't, so hang in there.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (325,250)
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5/21/10 9:10 P

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Good Morning Morelok - I am glad that you spent some money on yourself this week - I like your rationalisation re the shorts/socks/gym bag. It is harder to make excuses when your gear is already in the truck beconing you. Don't beat yourself up for the weight gain - at this point you are STILL 15 lb lighter than you were at the beginning and that is a positive:-) Just start again. It takes time for your mind/body to get adjusted to the meds, as you know. I used to have horrendous nights re trying/wanting to sleep and if I did get there having really bad dreams that would wake me up again. One thing I was encouraged to do was to go to bed a bit earlier. Sometimes being overtired to only make the sleep problem worse.

Has your Dr ever said anything to you about a Sleep Specialist? Also, I daresay you would have considered this if you haven't already tried it, but below is a link for Relaxation Music which you MAY find beneficial.
www.enhancedhealing.com/

Years ago a friend lent me a Relaxation Tape and it was to do with emptying your mind and visualising things like the waves, the wind in the trees, birds singing, etc. I played it MANY times but never ever heard the end because I always dropped off to sleep listening to it. The click of the tape finishing is what would wake me again but in CD for there wouldn't be that problem.

Take care, and good luck!
Kris xx

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 5/21/2010 (21:11)
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MORELOK Posts: 20
5/21/10 5:48 P

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No, the nightmares are not something new, I have had them for years. Not the same one, but in one form or another for the better part of 20 years. The same with not being able to sleep. I will go threw this for months on end. I have gone as long as 44 hours with no sleep at all. The meds have not made any difference at all. I try not to become dependent on the sleeping pills, so I only take them when I have to work the next day.

DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
5/21/10 3:03 P

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Hi MORELOK,
It's good that you have come back here for support. We are here for you!
Yes, I'm sure that if you put your clever mind to it, several excuses will turn up, but you can also use your intellectual ability to your advantage. I bet that for every excuse, you can come up with an idea to counter it. Maybe you could even type them up in 2 columns and put the list into your car/gym bag.
I am sorry that you are still struggling so hard. I think we have all been in that pit, at least I know that I have been there. I try to think of people throwing ropes down to me so that they can pull me up.
I strongly suspect that it is the meds that are having this effect on you (remember, I am not a medical professional, just a layperson with experience), especially if this is something that has just started to happen since you have been taking them. If you think that is the case, then your doctor should appreciate the difference between, "You just have to wait until they kick in," and "You're having a bad reaction," and you may need to be insistant in letting him know that this is a new symptom that might be a side effect.
The other person you could ask about side effects is your pharmacist, or look up your meds on www.mayoclinic.com
and see what it says. While some side effects are more common for some meds, it is also worthwhile to remember that individual responses to prescription drugs does vary. Personally, many meds have had the completely opposite effect on me, so it seems concievable that a sleep med could actually be keeping you awake.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, as anyone who has experienced it for long periods will attest, and can have a significantly negative effect on a person's emotions.
If you think it is the meds, tell your doctor so, and ask to be gradually taken off of them, but whatever you do, don't try to go off them cold turkey or without medical supervision, as that could be dangerous.
Please don't despair, because as distressing as this must be it is likely a temporary problem.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
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MORELOK Posts: 20
5/21/10 12:43 P

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No, I am not making it to the gym, not walking like I was, and not watching what I eat. As of about an hour ago, I have gained back almost 15 of the 30 pounds I had lost.

Last night went pretty much according to schedule, I went to bed at about 1AM, it was 6AM the last time I looked at the clock, and the alarm went off at 7AM.

2 of the meds I am taking are supposed to help me sleep. One is a slow acting medication that is supposed to keep me asleep once I get there, the other is a fast acting, and it is supposed to help me fall asleep quickly. I have cut out all caffeine after noon, no coffee and no tea :-(. I have only been on these new meds for about 2 weeks and “need to give them a chance”.

I spent some money this week, among other things I bought a pair of sneakers, something I have not had since I was a kid, and quite an ordeal as I where a size 18. I am going to go shopping this weekend and get some shorts and some white socks. I am going to put it all in a gym bag and put it in the truck so I will have no excuses for not stopping at the gym on the way home from work. I drive right by it on the way home. I’m sure I can come up with some other excuse if I think about it long enough.


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5/21/10 7:37 A

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Good Morning MORELOK,

I am sorry you are struggling - keep putting one foot in front of the other and find the positives in each day. You have shared with us on your better days - they will continue to come and last longer. Discuss with your doctor and therapist on techniques to stop the downward spiral.

What are your plans for the summer? Are you still going to the gym and working out?

I am glad you continue to share and I look forward to hearing more from you.

Nancy emoticon

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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MORELOK Posts: 20
5/21/10 1:09 A

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Yes, I like to write, but it always comes out so dark. Dwelling in the darkness can never serve to lift me out of it. Our destiny begins with our thoughts.

Sow a thought, reap a deed
Sow a deed, reap a habit
Sow a habit, reap a destiny

No! Dwell in the darkness and you will live there your whole life. But where do you turn when you have no control of your thoughts? Your mind has volition of its own, beyond your control. Is this schizophrenia? Am I delusional? Don't get me wrong, I don't hear voices, I just can't take control of where my thoughts lead me.

The loneliness, that is where my thoughts live, the dark, lonely places, that is what defines my life. I walk alone, threw the darkness in search of a spark, a glowing ember, any sign, a point of focus, anything at all. Take control of your thoughts and you take control of your life!

WORKOUTWITHPAM's Photo WORKOUTWITHPAM Posts: 152,055
5/20/10 11:11 P

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MORELOK, I am also sorry about the way you are feeling. Please do not give up...we ALL have a reason to live. There are people around you who care about you, and we also care about you.

Do you think that some of the medication you are taking is causing you to have trouble falling asleep and then having the nightmares when you DO fall asleep? If you haven't already, be sure to let your doctor know about the sleep difficulties you are having. This all must be very hard on you, and I am sorry that your sleep is so disturbed. Talk with your doctor, and see what he/she says.

Take care and keep in touch with the team. We are here for you, and WE CARE!

HUGS
Pam

Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team
Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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5/20/10 9:57 P

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I am so sorry that you are having these feelings again. I certainly hope that an effective treatment for you is soon come upon.

You know, reading your post, there is one thing you have NOT lost - your brilliant ability to write.

Take care, friend, and don't forget that we are here for you.

Kris xx

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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MORELOK Posts: 20
5/20/10 9:43 P

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I do thank all who have replied and have sent me mail. Where am I? I really have no idea. I am back on a cocktail of meds that get me from one day to the next. To be quite honest, I wake up in the morning and the only reason I can find to get out of bed is to see if today is the day I can find a reason to live.

Anyone remember that movie, The Labyrinth? Remember that scene where the girl falls into the pit and all the hands that keep pulling at her as she falls? I feel like that every night when I go to bed. I am so tired I can't walk, but I know if I go to sleep I will fall into the blackness and fall, and fall...and fall. So I lay in bed and toss and turn, for as long as 6 or 7 hours. Then, finally, I fall asleep, and the nightmare begins. As I fall into the blackness I reach out, I feel the hands, I know they are there but I can't reach them. Them, just when I think I have grabbed a hand and can hold on, it is pulled away and I fall deeper and deeper into the blackness, alone.

Each day when I wake up, I start the climb, trying to climb out of the pit, but I can never climb as far as I have fallen the night before.

AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (712,454)
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4/28/10 6:45 P

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I know how sad and frustrating it is to feel you've tried everything and nothing has worked. I don't know if it's more or less reassuring to know that a treatment that didn't work before may work at another time.

I hope it helps to know we care about you.

Let's walk!


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PEDODGEBALL's Photo PEDODGEBALL Posts: 413
4/27/10 9:32 A

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Morelok,
I have continued to follow your progress and maybe I can give you alittle advice on your progress. I had 6 ECTs and then stopped due to memory loss. I felt like they helped a little bit but decided that an intensive outpatient program would help better in the long run. I did my op program during the day but I do know that they also had a program at night. I would highly suggest an op program, it has helped me learn skills in order to deal with my depression, anxiety and anger on a daily basis. I to have felt really low as if nothing will get better but op treatment has helped me.
Hang in there and write me if you have additional questions, I am here for you, we are all here for you!!!!!

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NANCYLEE46's Photo NANCYLEE46 SparkPoints: (0)
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4/27/10 6:21 A

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Good Morning MORELOK,

I have to agree with what has already been said also.

ECT was not the magical cure - you must follow through with your doctor. Perhaps an after care plan that is intensive in nature is needed.

Please call your doctor today and keep us posted - We do care.

Nancy emoticon

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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WORKOUTWITHPAM's Photo WORKOUTWITHPAM Posts: 152,055
4/27/10 2:59 A

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Hi MORELOK,
Yes, we are reading this, and in your last message, I thought you were feeling better. I am sorry that things are not going so well for you right now. I hope that you will follow the advice that SLIMMERKIWI gave you. It really does sound like getting in touch with your doctor would be a good idea.

Has something in your life recently changed that has you crying and not caring if you live. We CARE about you, and we are concerned about you. Please get in touch with your doctor, and let him/her know how you are feeling.

Take care, and keep in touch with the team. We are here for you!
HUGS
Pam

Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team
Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=953


I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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4/26/10 10:55 P

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MORELOK - yes we ARE still reading this. You are very important not only to US but also TO YOU!

You really MUST contact your Dr. They may or may not put you back in hospital again, but regardless, your metal health is far more important to you than anything else at this stage. Please phone your Dr now (Don't know what the time is where you are) - if you are unable to reach the Dr, then you WILL have a 24hr care team that you will be able to contact. OR present at an Emergency Clinic, OR Phone 911.

There are ways of getting exercise in, even if you ARE crying. Just mobilise a little more - it doesn't have to be structured exercise.

As always - thinking of you and wishing you some sun-shiny days ahead!

emoticon
Kris xx

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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MORELOK Posts: 20
4/26/10 10:21 P

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Don't even know if anyone still reads this. I am crashing, loneliness is closing in, I'm in a tail spin and can't stop it. If I go back to the Dr and tell them they will put me back in the hospital for 5 days again and I WILL lose my job.

I have given up on my fitness goals, how can I walk a mile a day if I can't even get thru a day at work without crying? How can I care what I eat if I can't care if I live? I have been thru ECT, that's a radical treatment, whats next? I have been on every pill know to man at one time or another.

I took 2 500 mg Tylenol PM 2 hours ago, 2 more an hour ago and 2 more just a few minutes ago, I'd bet money I don't sleep tonight. Don't worry, I wont be taking any more.

DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
4/13/10 8:08 P

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Sorry, but...I am a Canadian, and all I can say right now is "God Bless Canada!" emoticon I can't even imagine having to pay that kind of money for treatment. I really feel for you!
I have to agree with everyone else though...there is nothing more important than your health and peace of mind, so it is worth whatever you have to do.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
NANCYLEE46's Photo NANCYLEE46 SparkPoints: (0)
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4/13/10 2:12 P

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MORELOK,

Sounds like you are continuing to do well. Keep sharing and know we are here.

Nancy

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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WORKOUTWITHPAM's Photo WORKOUTWITHPAM Posts: 152,055
4/12/10 11:49 P

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Yes, I agree...the money was very well spent. So glad that you are feeling better as a result of the treatments.
HUGS
Pam

Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team
Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=953


I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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4/12/10 9:08 P

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Put into perspective tho' you seem to be so sooo much better emotionally, now! That is money very well spent.

Take care,
Kris xx

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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MORELOK Posts: 20
4/12/10 8:28 P

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ok, got the first bill today. $12,047.50. That's just for the first 3 days as an in-patient. That's also the part I have to pay, not the whole thing.

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4/10/10 9:01 P

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MORELOK So pleased for you! It is terrific that you joined the Y! emoticon
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
PEDODGEBALL's Photo PEDODGEBALL Posts: 413
4/10/10 8:51 A

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Morelok,
Did not have time to read all responses to this post but did read that you had treatments. I would be curious to know what you think since recieving them.

Edited by: PEDODGEBALL at: 4/10/2010 (08:51)
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PEDODGEBALL's Photo PEDODGEBALL Posts: 413
4/10/10 8:49 A

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Morelok
I had never heard of ECTs until I was hospitalized a second time for major depression. I have had 6 but opted out of anymore. I have had alot of short term memory loss. I do think they have helped some but I am now in an outpatient program that i feel can be more beneficial longterm. If you have any questions feel free to ask as is with anyone else who is being addressed with this form of treatment.

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NANCYLEE46's Photo NANCYLEE46 SparkPoints: (0)
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4/10/10 8:17 A

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emoticon MORELOK,

I am so glad you finished the treatments with what appears to be beneficial results and minimal side effects.

You sure will be an asset to this team when someone seeks information/experience with ECT.

Keep taking it one day at a time and set small attainable goals. Look forward to more updates!!

Nancy emoticon

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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WORKOUTWITHPAM's Photo WORKOUTWITHPAM Posts: 152,055
4/9/10 11:48 P

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Hi MORELOK,

Let me first say emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon ! I am so happy for you. You have come a long way, and you should be very proud of yourself. That is good news about joining the YMCA. I have worked at a YMCA for 30 years. It is a great! I know you will like it there.

Take care hon, and keep in touch. We CARE about you!

HUGS
Pam

Edited by: WORKOUTWITHPAM at: 4/9/2010 (23:51)
Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team
Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

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ndividual.asp?gid=953


I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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4/9/10 10:27 P

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That is WONDERFUL news. emoticon I am soooo glad that you are feeling better, AND have been to the YMCA! emoticon

Please keep in touch and continue to let us know how you are. I would really like that :-) emoticon

Take care,
Kris

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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MORELOK Posts: 20
4/9/10 9:47 P

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Well today was the last treatment. I have to admit, I feel better. Today I went to the YMCA and joined.


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4/4/10 9:09 P

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I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. We're still here for you, through the good and the bad. Let us know how it continues.

Let's walk!


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
4/3/10 7:55 P

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Wonderful! So glad for you!
Joining a gym to lose weight and get in shape sounds like a great idea!
(But no more of this "die trying" okay? emoticon You are just beginning to really live, and that is really exciting!)
:0)
Jodi emoticon

Edited by: DWDMOTHERHEN at: 4/3/2010 (19:56)
My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
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4/3/10 8:58 A

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emoticon MORELOK for keeping us updated. I am glad you are beginning to focus on you. Keep you goals small and doable. Small steps really do add up and take it one day at a time!!!

Enjoy your week-end.

Nancy

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MORELOK - I am proud of you - WE are all very proud of you!!

This sounds like a huge improvement, and you are only 1/2 way thru it. I can't wait to see the new you - the REAL you:-)

Your new goal weight sounds like a very sensible one to me. I am sure that you will be able to achieve that, also.

Take care,
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Hi Morelok! Delighted to hear you are feeling better and making plans. A distinct improvement and your goal for weight is doable. Just remember that it takes time to achieve that loss and you want to be patient with you in the process.

vicki emoticon

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Hi MORELOK, That is great news that you are feeling better. It sounds like things are beginning to look up for you. This is good, and when you've completed the rest of the treatments, you may begin to feel even better. Take care, and keep in touch.
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4/2/10 6:10 P

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Okay, I have finished 3 of 6 treatments. I have to admit, I feel better than I have felt in a long time. Now how do I keep this moving in the right direction? One thing I am going to do is take a membership at a gym. I am going to drop 80 pounds or die trying. I have adjusted my target weight from 290 to 270. I figure if it was a good weight for playing football then it is a good target now. I have 3 more treatments next week, then a week off to "recover".

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4/1/10 8:28 P

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MORELOK Please keep checking in. We want to be here for you throughout this and beyond.
There was never any doubt that the immediate aftermath of the treatment was going to be rough. While it sucks that you have to go through this stage, this is not the way you will continue to feel.
Like the day after a major operation, or in this case, two, you are going to feel like you have been hit by a truck right after a treatment. I wish it wasn't like that, but sometimes things have to get worse for a little bit to get better, at it seems that this is one of those times.
Just try to get through right now. This is not the time to think about the past or worry about the future. The present is plenty to deal with when you are dealing with such a traumatic procedure. It may help to think about this as if you have been through brain surgery, which in a way you have -- how you feel right away is not an indicator of how you are going to feel after you get a chance to recover.
I usually tell people to try to take difficult times a day at a time, or even an hour at a time, but if you need to take things a minute or two at a time right now, that is okay too.
Is someone staying with you all the time? You shouldn't be alone while all this is going on.
Hang in there -- we are all really pulling for you to get through this okay and have it make a positive difference down the road.

Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
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My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

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MORELOK - for one so soon out of an ECT treatment, and reading what you have written, I would suspect that you WILL be fine when the treatments end and you have recovered from the process.

It is NOT wrong to have those thoughts about love either, and I am sure that you will find just what you are looking for - friendship, love, companionship and so much more. You will be in a much healthier frame of mind.

Take care, - we are here for you.

Kris xx

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4/1/10 10:35 A

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MORELOK...thanks for checking in. We want to hear from you and know how you are doing. Give the treatments time to work, and give yourself time to feel better. We care about you here, and we are here for you.
HUGS
Pam

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
MORELOK Posts: 20
4/1/10 10:15 A

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2 treatments down, 4 to go. Yesterday was pretty rough. The treatment was over by 8 AM but it was well after noon before I could remember who I was. I still can't think, my mind is gone. I sit here now, alone, crying uncontrollably. Am I so wrong for wanting someone to love? someone to love me? Was there ever a man who walked threw this life alone and ever amounted to anything? Maybe I am too selfish, I want to much for myself.

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3/29/10 6:41 P

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MORELOK
You are a very articulate writer. I strongly suspect that will not change because I have found that the less depressed I am, the more I am able to be myself.

Given the way that you have described how you have been living, I think that you have made the right decision. Anything that might improve your depression is worth some risk. Being smart is a terrific thing, but happiness and peace are always worth pursuing.
If anything, someone who is as intelligent as you are should cope better if there are any aftereffects to your treatments. You have so much ability, that even a bit of memory loss should be manageable, if it happens.
I have heard that the immediate aftermath of ECT is physically rough, and we all feel for you. Of course, the aftereffects of chemo are truly unpleasant as well, but in both cases, the opportunity to get better is worth the price paid.

Please keep us posted. We are all pulling for you and hoping that you will feel much better soon!

Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

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Make sure that you get the rest! Thank you for keeping in touch.

emoticon
Kris xx

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I'm so glad the first treatment is over. We're here for you for your physical, mental and emotional recovery through this and subsequent treatments. You're not alone.

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3/29/10 3:11 P

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MORELOK..We are glad that you got back to us. Get some rest, and take care of yourself. We are here for you, so stay in touch with us.
HUGS
Pam

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
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3/29/10 12:22 P

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Thanks for the update. Get your rest. It is earned.

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3/29/10 11:56 A

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emoticon MORELOK for keeping us posted.
You rest today

Nancy emoticon

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3/29/10 11:53 A

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Treatment one is over and my brother picked me up and brought me home. My teeth hurt, my head hurts and my back hurts. They gave me 4 darvocet, so my thoughts are still cloudy. Rest for the remainder of the day, we will see how I fell tomorrow. Next treatment scheduled for Wednesday morning.

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3/29/10 10:35 A

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Good morning Morelok! You are a gifted and sensitive individual. Hold on to that and your IQ. They are gifts you have and should share as much as possible.

We care deeply and want so much for you to feel better about your circumstances. Support and encouragement and prayers are offered for you this lovely day.

Keep posting. There is help in opening up to others.

emoticon

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3/29/10 7:34 A

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MORELOK you are in my prayers today!!

I look forward to hearing brighter thoughts from you!!!

Nancy emoticon

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3/29/10 7:28 A

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Please continue to post your feelings here, MORELOK. We want you to keep in touch with us.

HUGS
Pam

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
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3/29/10 1:14 A

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MORELOK - you are in my thoughts. We are here for you and we care.

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Kris xx

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MORELOK Posts: 20
3/28/10 10:49 P

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6 hours and mom will drop me off at the hospital and go on to work, just like she use to drop me off at school. No more concern than that.

Do I hide it so well? I don't think so, I can't, not that well. Not from someone who I see every day and that cares. Is that the problem? I have felt like I was just a fixture around here for a long time, but now I know it. I triple the house hold income, that is my role here. That and to take care of all the problems that come up.

Why do I keep going, why do I put up with it? Who is there for me? My sole is bare and bleeding, does anyone see? Maybe the best thing that could happen over the next 2 weeks is for me to come out of this with an IQ of 3!

Thoughts are evil, Nights are dark,
Light a fire, See the spark,
A little light in the world of gray,
Depression that seems like it'll never go away,
Cut deep watch the blood flow,
Cover it up, They can't know,
Hide your thoughts, Hide your heart,
If they know, They'll tear you apart,
Lock them up, Hide the key.
Keep on pretending, They can't see,
Hide yourself, Hide what's true,
Don't let anyone know what your going through,
Shh, Don't cry, Keep your mouth closed,
Keep on pretending so that no one knows,
Keep on acting, It's just a game,
Don't tell anyone, They don't even know your name,
To them your just another face in the crowd,
Keep quiet you're not allowed to be loud,
Keep your emotions hidden from their prying eyes,
Don't let them hear all of your cries,
You may be broken but don't let it show,
Keep on pretending so they'll never know

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3/28/10 11:03 A

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emoticon MORELOK - praying for you today and hoping you can find that inner peace and strength that will allow you to get some rest and know you are doing what is necessary.

Nancy emoticon

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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MORELOK Posts: 20
3/28/10 2:05 A

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I have never thought of myself as a brave man, but I'm no cowered either. Right now I am afraid, more afraid than I have ever been in my life.

I haven't eaten anything all day, the thought of food turns my stomach. I do not know how I will make it threw tomorrow, well actually today, it's after midnight.

I tried to sleep but all I could do is cry. So many nights now I just cry until my eyes burn, and still I cry. Alone, in the darkness of my room, door shut tight and curtains closed, I turn on the stereo to cover the sound and just cry for hours. I am so tired I can't hold my head up, so I lay it on my pillow and cry. No one can know. No one must ever know how bad it really is. They look to me for strength. They look to me when things are worst. I can't let them down. And then somewhere in the darkness before the dawn god, if god there be, grants me a few, precious hours of sleep.

One more day, one more day and it will all be over. Or will it? What if this doesn't work? Then where do I turn? More than losing all my memories. More than losing my intellect. More than losing my mind. I fear this most, what if this doesn't work?!


Edited by: MORELOK at: 3/28/2010 (02:33)
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3/27/10 5:33 A

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MORELOK - emoticon for trusting us enough to share all that you did. You are not alone here and many of us have gone through similar situations and come through living life to the fullest for today. I have no doubt you are going to come through this also. I am praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts.

Know we are here to support, encourage, and just listen.

Nancy emoticon

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3/27/10 4:20 A

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My prayers are with you. Getting it off your chest is good. We are here to listen.
Stay safe and well.
emoticon

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3/27/10 3:37 A

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Things I don't want to forget

Susan – the weekend we had together, I love you

Kelly – My best friend through college, we played racquetball every Saturday for 3 years. I was best man at his wedding and god father to his oldest daughter.

That I had a child, even though she was never born.

Mama and Papa Joe – they showed me what it was for two people to be truly in love



Things I wouldn't mind forgetting

My step father and all the abuse I took for 17 years

Michelle – the woman that aborted my child

Jennifer, and the night she killed herself

Sam – my step brother that sexually abused me for 6 years and tried to kill me

that I am a smoker – hey, a new stop smoking aid!

The day my grandmother died – it was my 10th birthday

The day Uncle Jack died – 6 months to the day after grandma died, Uncle Jack was the father I didn't have.

The year I spent working for my cousin Bill in Miami – There are only so many ways a 19 year old can make 120,000 in one year.

Emily – the first girl I ever had sex with, I won't go into the reasons, lets just say they were all wrong.

Uncle Ray – There was one mean SOB

The night I got shot working hotel security

The fight I got in when I was 11 – I only hit him once but he spent 6 weeks in the hospital and almost died

The day I nearly beat my step father to death, I was 16 – you may think he deserved it, but I never want to feel that kind of rage again.

The first and only time I ever got so drunk that I blacked out – I was 19 and had no idea where I was when I woke up or who all the people were that were sleeping all over the living room.



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3/26/10 8:18 A

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Good to hear from you MORELOK
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

Nancy emoticon

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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3/26/10 1:19 A

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Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us updated on how you are doing. We CARE about YOU!
HUGS
Pam

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
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MORELOK Posts: 20
3/25/10 8:57 P

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I have been in the hospital all week. I start ECT treatments Monday.

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3/22/10 6:58 A

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Good Morning MORELOK,

Thank you for keeping us updated. I appreciate that. The team is here to support you with your decision to go forward with the ECT. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I look forward to a progress report.

emoticon
Nancy

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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3/22/10 4:53 A

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Yes, I am sure you are right about that. To read about another member who is currently going through ECT, scroll down a couple of messages to the link that NANCYLEE46 has posted on her thread. Take care, and keep us updated on how you are doing. We are here for you, and WE CARE!
HUGS
Pam

Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team
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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
MORELOK Posts: 20
3/22/10 3:38 A

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I have decided to pursue ECT. What it comes down to is this, whatever the result, it can't be as bad as going on like this and it beats suicide.

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3/17/10 6:20 P

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Welcome to Spark. I have dealt with depression, officially, since 1987. But we track it back to when I was a child. They tagged me with chronic chemical depression. There were factors that contributed to my condition (my son's death, 2 divorces, etc.) I've been fortunate to have had psychiatrists and PP that have worked diligently to find the right meds & therapy for me. I'm currently on 2 antidepressants and Xanax. It's working for me at this time. The doctor is working for you; insist that he/she continue to try different meds with you. Good luck to you. I understand your frustration. margi. emoticon

Edited by: JIM1MICHAEL2 at: 3/17/2010 (18:22)
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12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
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The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
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LINDABEAR3's Photo LINDABEAR3 Posts: 1,901
3/17/10 2:41 P

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all is forgiven. Keep on talking and researching it to find your answers. All I know it is a last resort solution to a miserable conditon. And it worked good for me and many others I know. Linda

Blessed are the cracked, For they let in the light

Don't take life too seriously, No one gets out alive

I used to have a handle on life, But it broke

God must love stupid people, he made so many
Maxine


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NANCYLEE46's Photo NANCYLEE46 SparkPoints: (0)
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3/17/10 1:50 P

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MORELOK,

I hear you and I am glad you are exploring - I knew what you meant. I meant to tell you another member is currently an inpatient and having ECT. Here is the link to her post so you can read.
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
sa
geboard_thread.asp?board=0x953x32640865


Nancy

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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MORELOK Posts: 20
3/17/10 1:32 P

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Subjective vs. objective…

First let me say that perhaps “idiot” was too strong a term, in my current mood I have let my feelings dictate my choice of words. My apologies.

Next, let me thank you all for your comments.

I do not intend to make this decision lightly or without exploring it thoroughly, that includes discussing it with more than one health/mental health professional. The problem there is that professionals are just that, professional. There answers are well rehearsed and measured responses designed to be totally objective. The problem is that depression is subjective, no matter how you look at it, it always comes down to “How do I feel today?”

I have read the studies myself, 28% suffer some form of permanent memory loss ranging from a few days to decades of memories lost. 55% suffer some degree of objective loss of cognitive function. That’s objective, but how do I weigh the objective on one hand with the subjective on the other hand.

One woman had a series of bi-lateral ECT treatments and lost all memories of her husband and their 30 year marriage, that’s subjective. Another man had the treatment and said it was like he had finally been let in on a joke the whole world had been playing on him, “Life really doesn’t have to be miserable”.

My IQ is 146, that’s objective. Am I willing to give up 5, 10 or 15 points of IQ for the chance to feel better? If I am willing to risk giving up 10 points of IQ, am I willing to risk 20? 40? That’s subjective. Ultimately you don’t get to risk 5, 10, 20 or 40 points of IQ, it is an all or nothing proposition. You either do it or you don’t, you risk it all or you don’t.

I am not looking for someone here to give me the answer, I guess I just need a sounding board for my thoughts. A place to try and find a balance between the objective and the subjective.

Again, thank you for your time, and your comments.

LINDABEAR3's Photo LINDABEAR3 Posts: 1,901
3/17/10 11:36 A

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I have had 12 ect treatments in 92 and they helped me get out of the hospital after I was in 4 months. I am far from an idiot but they helped me tremendously. To not functioning to doing better than I ever had done before. I have many friends who have had them and idiot is not them at all either. You have a chance of losing a little memory but it does come back. Check with the doctors who can best advice you. Best of luck to you with this decision. Linda emoticon

Blessed are the cracked, For they let in the light

Don't take life too seriously, No one gets out alive

I used to have a handle on life, But it broke

God must love stupid people, he made so many
Maxine


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SOCCERFAN55's Photo SOCCERFAN55 Posts: 619
3/17/10 11:17 A

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Welcome to the team! ECT has been a controversial subject when discussing mental illnesses. I have had Drs. and therapists that have different opinions for me at different points in my life. My Mom had them done several times many yrs. ago. Please speak with a professional, they can best advise you. Good Luck. marcia

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NANCYLEE46's Photo NANCYLEE46 SparkPoints: (0)
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3/17/10 10:37 A

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Do you currently have a doctor now?

There are so many new medications now to try!!

What about counseling???

Nancy

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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Leader SP CLASS of November 8-14 www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
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MORELOK Posts: 20
3/17/10 10:30 A

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ECT was first suggested to me in 1997 by the doctor who was treating me while I was hospitalized on an involuntary evaluation. I flatly refused. I can’t even begin to list all of the different medications I have been on, but since my hospital stay in 1997 I have not been on any anti-depressant. I have simply pushed my depression to one side and ignored it, pushed on, in the hopes that some day it would just go away. My official diagnoses is acute chronic clinical depression. From what I can tell that is just a catch all for anything they can’t put in any other box.

Many years of experimenting with different medications and combinations of medications resulted in a wide verity of side effects from catatonic episodes to episodes of violent rage, heart murmurs, high blood pressure, near kidney failure and on and on. At one point I was taking one anti-depressant and 16 other medications to deal with the side effects it caused. So in 1997 I took myself off all the medications. That’s when they put me in for an evaluation. They decided that they couldn’t force me to take the ECT and since I was not an eminent threat, they could not hold me indefinitely. I have managed to function since then, but functioning is not living.


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3/17/10 10:13 A

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emoticon MORELOK,

First let me welcome you to the team. I have never had ECT, came close - but didn't. Our very own Coach Dean has a blog on his dealing with ECT. I am giving you the link. www.dailyspark.com/blog.asp?post=im_
se
tting_my_sights_a_little_higher


It is entitled I'm setting my Heights a little higher.

Please keep sharing your thoughts with us. Ultimately you really need to decide with your doctor and counselors. I applaud you for exploring and researching this before making a final decision. We can help you process your thoughts.

Nancy emoticon

Edited by: NANCYLEE46 at: 3/17/2010 (10:15)
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

Leader - SparkPeople's Official Virtual Walk/Run Challenge www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=33492

Leader SP CLASS of November 8-14 www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=34800

Co-moderator, Dealing With Depression
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
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WORKOUTWITHPAM's Photo WORKOUTWITHPAM Posts: 152,055
3/17/10 5:12 A

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Please do as CAROLJEAN64 has suggested. I've had no experience nor do I know anyone who has had any personal experience with ECT. I have however, seen posts on the message boards on that topic, and although it is an option, it is something that one will want to know all of the facts about before making a decision one way or the other. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

HUGS
Pam

Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team
Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,398
3/17/10 12:46 A

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I did just a little bit of reading and was shocked (no pun intended) by what I found. I would have some serious conversations with your doctors. Do you think you have tried a variety of meds and are sure there are none that help? Have you combined meds and cognitive therapy? Please consider carefully and seek advice from the medical profession and from those who have chosen ECT and those who have not.

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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MORELOK Posts: 20
3/17/10 12:25 A

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I have been reading up on ECT. I think that becoming an idiot is about the worst thing I can think of to happen to me. But from what I read, it is a real possibility. So the question becomes, do I try to continue to struggle on as I have all me life and retain my intellect, my ability to make a living in computers and possibly lose the battle with and my life to depression or do I take the ECT and risk living life as an idiot, albeit a happy idiot? I cannot take this decision lightly. The brain is a dangerous place to play.

ref: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electroconvuls
iv
e_therapy#Effects_on_memory


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