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JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
4/17/10 10:03 A

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More good wishes to you on the job opportunity. Hopefully and slowly, things will start smoothing out for you.

Though we expect rain/snow mix today, I hope you have a emoticon day. margi. emoticon

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margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
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CD6904820 Posts: 1,695
4/16/10 8:23 P

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I hope your job opportunity comes through! I hope that you and your wife can work through things. It sounds like you two have been through a lot together already. As someone already stated, respect can be earned back, you just have to do what is right for both of you. Also, you said something about not taking care of your daughter 'correctly'. Obviously, I don't know the situation, but please realize that no parent knows everything or is able to always take care of their child 100% 'correctly'. As long as you are loving and attentive, you are a great parent. Good luck with everything and I'll keep you in my prayers!

DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
4/16/10 6:12 P

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Hope that job possibility works out!
Good for you on sticking with the exercise and seeing results! That is terrific!
Long term change does take time. Going full out may be the way to do a sprint, but for a marathon, we need to pace ourselves.
I think that you can so it too!
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
JEN77-01's Photo JEN77-01 Posts: 350
4/15/10 8:53 A

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Don't give up!!! Everything will turn around just keep telling yourself that. Just remimber you have support here!!



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4/15/10 7:21 A

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Hope that job lead works out for you.

And way to go, celebrating the off-scale victory of your friend's noticing that you look as if you've lost weight--as well as a 10-pound loss in the past month.

No doubt the daily 10-minute jump-rope session as well as the Kung Fu classes are also helping you through this tough time.

emoticon

"Self-loathing does not lead to change."--Geneen Roth

Motivation *follows* action.

Experience is what allows us to make a different mistake next time.

Change is a process, not an event.

You don't drown by falling into the water--only by staying there.

It's better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.


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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
4/15/10 3:30 A

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Thank you for all the replies. Sometimes that is all a person needs to keep themselves going. Just knowing somebody is listening to a ramble can work wonders because you know at least somebody heard what you're dealing with and you're not entirely alone.

Yes, trying to pull double full-time work hours right now would basically be metaphoric suicide on my health. Perhaps in the future if I had to for my family, but that would require my wife and I being together still. It isn't something I would do alone.

I did learn one of my co-workers recently passed on a machinist position. He's getting the address and other information for me tomorrow and I hope the friend he has working there can help me get in. Better pay and desperately needed experience I can take into the future. If I got the position, I'd be able to stop trying to find a second job as it'd be an increase of four per hour for me.

Beyond that though, a good friend just got back in town and it felt good to hear him comment I look like I've lost weight. Mostly it's adding muscle mass right now, but my weight has dropped about 10 lbs in the past month. Set my updates at the end of each week on body measurements. Kung fu classes and my regular 10 minutes of jump rope every day are doing great, as well as increased tracking on my food intake.

Perhaps one of the toughest things for guys like me is the fact I have to pace myself on change and improvement, rather than try to go balls out like I used to. Sparkpeople is helping me not overload and instead help me build upon step after step.

It's been said plenty of times, and I'm saying it too.

I feel like I can do it this time.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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4/14/10 5:06 P

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So glad that letting off steam here helped you get past some built-up feelings and begin to feel a bit better.

Many times in my life, what looked like a break*down turned out to be a break*through*. I've come to think of those times as being akin to the fever a small child will sometimes come down with just before entering a growth spurt.

Sounds to me as if you're making healthy decisions (e.g., not to jump at a second job if it means depriving yourself of adequate sleep) and continuing to look forward.

Hang in there, and keep leaning on us whenever you need to: that's what we're all here for! As I once heard a motivational speaker say about reaching our goals: "Only you can do it. But sometimes you can't do it alone!"

emoticon

"Self-loathing does not lead to change."--Geneen Roth

Motivation *follows* action.

Experience is what allows us to make a different mistake next time.

Change is a process, not an event.

You don't drown by falling into the water--only by staying there.

It's better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.


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-CAVEMAN- Posts: 110
4/14/10 4:51 P

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As a "veteran" of Depression, one of the things that kicks me back into the deep, scary parts, is a lack of quality sleep.

I once had a boss who said that anyone who needed more than 4 hours of sleep was just plain lazy. I didn't tell him about all of the studies that proved him wrong - I just stayed quiet and felt sorry for him.

Through trial and error, a lot of error, I've found for me that 8.5 to 9 hours of sleep are what I need to function at a high level. If I Have to, I can do the three day, three hours sleep a night gig, but I better have a couple of days to get rested or that dark Linus cloud just comes floating over.

I couldn't go very long on 6 hours of sleep or less before I was back in the Psych ward.

IMHO, sleep is the enemy of Depression.

JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
4/13/10 7:46 A

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Welcome to Spark. I'm so sorry you have so much going on in your life. Though we can give great support here, I'd think some outside advice from professionals would be a good idea at this time. If even to get some priorities set and help you weigh the pros and cons of the 18 hr job. Perhaps a split shift to give you (and maybe other employees) a break.

Good luck to you. Stay in touch with your new team. We'll support you all we can. margi. emoticon

_______________________
margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
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SWIMMAN's Photo SWIMMAN Posts: 2,309
4/13/10 5:00 A

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I am sorry you are going through so much right now and I feel for you.
I went through a really painful separation too, and am rebuilding my life and trying to live my life more fully too.

Seems from what you wrote that your wife wants to "respect" you and you want to be with her.

Seems like you are facing a lot but at the same time you are starting a lot of steps to help you to move out of your rut and move forward.

Hang in there; you can do it!!!

Thomas

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
4/13/10 4:19 A

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Just to get it out of the way real quick - I spent some time carefully considering the impacts of trying to work 18 hour days (that is including about an hour and a half of travel) and came to the conclusion it would not be worth risking my job at Philips. I already know on one day of five hours sleep, I have difficulty doing good work. Perhaps for gobs of money it'd be worth it, but then I'd just quit Philips for the gobs of money position anyway.

Mostly my post was my trying to talk it out in a place I know people would hear me talking and have some thoughts they could share. Sometimes it's hard to keep in mind that my wife is just as torn up right now as I am. Some of the things she says aren't entirely meant how they sound.

I had to walk away from her once too several years ago before we really got our relationship started. She had been with an abusive boyfriend and it was at a point she relied on me to be a place she could vent the hurt she felt. Finally I only had the option of walking away to help wake her up in hopes of her getting away from him. Took time, but she did. The next one was almost as bad, but I helped her get past that one too. She and I never could stop talking for more than six months without some kind of contact, no matter how we left off the last time.

Now she has walked away from me in somewhat similar fashion. I needed a strong shock to actually get me to snap out of my fog and start focusing on reality and what needs to be done. It's even more complicated than I have let on due to intensely personal and some very private matters, but it all boils down to me having been stuck in a rut and not letting myself move forward unless life forced me to.

Right now, I am on the first day of my Fast Break week. I'm going to go through the 28-day program in The Spark and then go from there. I really did need to just break down like I did though. The buildup was holding me down more and more each day. Now that I feel like some of the steam was released, I am doing a bit better.

It isn't easy to be patient about getting things done, starting with smaller goals, focusing on only a couple things at a time when I have to get so much done. All I really am certain of though, is if I let myself try to handle this point in my life like I have in the past, I will fail. I have to take a new approach in order to advance, return to reality, and leave my past behind.

While right now, it is sometimes all I can manage to repeat over and over "I deserve my family" when all I want to do is give up, I do know it will pass. As long as I keep going I have a light at the end of the tunnel to reach for.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
4/12/10 7:36 P

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DRAGONEAGLE
I don't know why your wife said that she has lost respect for you, but respect is something that can be earned back. More than that though, is that you need to be able to respect yourself.
Try writing down some things that you like about yourself. You are intelligent, you write well, it sounds as though you are a creative person...Try looking at those positives every day and honestly, it does help.
We are not going to let you give up. We care about you, and want to help you to heal.
You are dealing with some very difficult circumstances right now. The key words there are "right now." Circumstances can change, and once the crisis is over, you may find life more manageable than it feels at the moment. The main thing is to get through this, and the best way is step by step, day by day.
Change takes time. Focus on one thing per day that you want to accomplish, or one step towards a bigger goal. Trying to take everything on at once is too overwhelming.
Maybe it will be a phone call to inquire about the cost of a room to rent, or to your doctor to make an appointment. Maybe it will be reading a chapter of a book about depression. Perhaps you want to join the Y. (They have some support there for people who can't afford a full membership.)Anyway, break your goals down into practical steps you can take, then do them one at a time.
One step that would help to make the rest of your goals happen is to get more help with your depression. Presently you are having to work twice as hard to accomplish things because your depression is dragging you down.
You could try contacting the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) or Mental Health America to find out about possible resources in your area.
www.nami.org
www.nmha.org
Anyway, break your goals down into practical steps you can take, then do them one at a time.
In my opinion, more than one job at a time would be too stressful. What about leaving your current job if you get the other one? On the other hand, 18 hour days are ridiculous (if not downright illegal), and you don't need that kind of stress in your life. In fact, nobody does!
However, it is totally up to you. You know yourself best.
It is natural to miss your family. Nothing wrong with that. It may help you to think of your wife and daughter being away "on vacation." You are simply arranging a wonderful surprise for her upon her return.
Please, really consider getting more outside support for your depression, because that could really make a difference.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,395
4/12/10 6:40 P

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I hope that writing all of the frustration and sadness on your post has helped you. Here are a couple other ideas.
1. Drink 8 glasses of water a day. The water helps your liver process the toxins produced by stress. Drink one glass about 10 minutes before each meal.
2. Keep up the 10 minutes a day of jump rope work.
This is a team of compassionate, caring, resourceful people. Keep posting to keep us up-to-date.
We want to help.

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
4/12/10 2:25 A

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It's been almost three weeks since my wife and I separated. Almost three weeks since she and our 15 month old daughter went to NY to be with her family and left me here in CA while I keep working and try to turn myself around. Almost three weeks and tonight it finally landed on me emotionally.

I've been crying. I've been wanting to give up. I've been wanting to punch through a wall again just to feel the pain and destruction. And I've been repeatedly trying to remind myself not to give up.

All I did was glance at the couple photos I have set near the bed and I couldn't stop the tears. I feel entirely overwhelmed.

My wife said today she lost respect for me. That she couldn't love somebody she couldn't respect. That she wasn't sure she wants to keep our marriage.

I need to find a second job that fits into my schedule, even just two 8 hour runs on weekends, so I can afford even just a single room somewhere for myself and get out of my damn parent's house.

My wife told me even just searching for work consistently to the end of the summer would be enough at least, since it's a sign of good progress. I need to move if I can though. I'm so close to it, but not enough money. I know we could have done it if my wife had been able to get a job herself, but I sometimes couldn't take care of our daughter correctly.

The two people that made my days increasingly good, increasingly happy are suddenly gone from my days. Several things happened all at once, some unsettling, some sorrowful, but she hit a saturation point and couldn't take any more stagnancy.

A good friend let me know an old job (he and I met there) is hiring, but not sure I could do 18 hours 5 days a week safely because my current job is rather sedentary while I handle a blowtorch while working glass. Nor if I could get special clearance to shift my work hours by an hour or two to line up with my current job and shift. Nor if I could run 80 hours in five days every week without my wife backing me up with food prep and other things so I could maximize sleep at 6 hours instead of only having time to get 4 or 5 at best.

If I give up, everything ends. The challenge is huge. Can't lose everything important to me. Need her so badly but she can't be there for me now. All I know is I just can't give up. I want to hold my wife and daughter in my arms again and them want to be there again.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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