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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
4/24/10 9:38 P

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I would never want to contradict the opinion of a guy about a guy, especially if he goes by the name of CAVEMAN!
Jodi

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My "dealing with issues" blog is:
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-CAVEMAN- Posts: 110
4/24/10 12:37 A

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This is coming from a guys angle, so don't crucify me just yet.

CarolJean64, you are one tough lady, but in this case I have to go along with you.

Not EVERY guy is a jerk, but from what you've said about some of the stunts your bf has pulled, I'm not betting against him.

Growing up, my parents were like some of those TV families you see. Mom and Dad went hand in hand, respected and loved each other and backed each other up 100% in all parenting decisions. They made sure my brother and I knew what was right and what was wrong.

Naively, I though that was how the world worked and how relationships should be. When I got old enough to observe that there were other, negative, ways for males and females to react to each other I was totally confused. I found myself to be on the social fringe, not because I was a jerk, but because I was just a nice guy.

I found myself with a lot of friends who were girls, but no girl friend. I was smart and got good grades, but didn't have a pocket protector or black rimmed glasses held together with surgical tape.

I was a starting line backer for four years and had a reputation from the other teams to stay out of my area if they didn't want to get hurt. I wasn't a thug, but I thoroughly enjoyed pitting my skills and strength against another's.

About my junior year, I started noticing the really popular girls dated some of the least savory guys on campus. OK, they were 'socially' acceptable, but their treatment of girls and the stories they told in the locker room were . . .disrespectful.

It wasn't until my junior and senior years in college that I really started dating. I've asked a couple of women about the actions of younger women, some of them the same women I had gone to high school with, and they told me they thought it had to do with a woman's basic instinct of trying to get a man who was strong and would be able to protect her. As they matured from high schooler to a more mature person, what they felt and saw as a younger girl/woman was no longer valid.

What they had started to do was to look for someone who was going to be loyal, intellectually challenging, kind, funny . . . a grown up Boy Scout.

OK, I got off-line and I apologize.

Where I was going before I side-tracked myself is that, IMHO, your boyfriend isn't mature enough to stand a real relationship. At the very least, he doesn't treat you as a friend. If I had a friend who acted as he did, I'd bust his chops or just quit associating with him.

I understand your fear of losing a known relationship for what may come in the future, but again, in my opinion, he is not acting fit enough to carry your shoes. He is definitely not mature enough to be responsible for your heart.

To paraphrase a tough lady I just met, sort of, I think it's time you started looking for a more reliable bicycle.

SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (325,322)
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4/23/10 6:09 P

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Having read your post I would suspect that your saying you are insecure is probably a big understatement. You mention to us how long his phone call to you was - I hope that you don't mention it to him and compare it. Men have a tendancy to think in different ways to women at times, but appart from that, if these are the sorts of things that you bring up and argue about, I don't really see much of a future for you as a couple.

I, too, would think about asking for a referral to another Therapist IF you aren't improving like you suggest. Have you seen a Psychiatrist and got an accurate diagnosis re your mental health (apart from the insecurities which given your history are understandable)? It may be appropriate to review your medications at the same time.

The other thing that I feel you really need to understand is that there are some things that we CAN control, but there are some things that we cannot. What another person thinks or does is something that we cannot control. Work on what YOU can control.

Take care, and let us know how you are doing. We DO care and only want to help and provide you with some supportive ideas for you.

Kris

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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
4/23/10 3:30 P

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I honestly can't tell much about your BF from what you have told us. It isn't clear to me whether he is a good BF to you or not, because I have a feeling that there is more to the story.
However, I do know that it is very difficult to
a) successfully find a good life-long relationship
b) deal with the ups and downs of life together
c) cope with whatever issues or imperfections that he brings to the relationship
when you are having problems coming to terms with your own background and issues.
In other words, I am not convinced that this is a good time yet for you to be in a serious romance.

If you are not making progress with your current therapist, and you have been with her/him for quite a while, I would definitely consider seeing a new therapist. Sometimes a therapist can be a good person to help you through a particular part of your journey, but can only take you so far.

Maybe it is also time for a meds reevaluation. All of us need a tune-up at times.

Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,398
4/23/10 1:36 P

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Angie , you have received some very good ideas to think about already. From what you have said and from an outside perspective, it sounds as if bf is using you for his convenience. If most of the stuff is yours, ask him to leave. Remember, a woman without a man is a life a fish without a bicycle. We don't really need them as much as we think. Please tell your therapist about your frustration as not improving. Maybe you need to consider changing therapist.
Now with all that said, i am going ask you to do something right now. Where ever you are, sit in a comfortable position. Imagine that your torso is a bucket you are going to fill with air from the pelvic bowl to the top of your shoulders. Take 4-6 counts to fill up. Then empty that bucket from the top down. When you inhale you should feel your belly puff out. You exhalation should be about the same length as the inhalation. Take three breaths like this. Stop and review how you feel. Anytime you feel over stressed try this yoga breathing to relax. The change is actually physiological; a nerve from your stomach to your brain changes which part of your brain you use when you are breathing deeply.

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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 35,517
4/23/10 12:15 P

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Have you expressed your frustration at not getting better to your therapist? He or she might have some new ideas for you.
Another thing that could help you is journalling. As you are writing, be aware of whether or not the problem you are writing about is something that you can change. For example, you can't change your boyfriend; you can only change you and your reactions to things that are going on.
Leslie emoticon

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ZENOT2006 Posts: 1,236
4/23/10 11:45 A

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From a completely different perspective, have you seen a medical doctor regarding the high blood pressure and the vomiting? You could actually be physically ill and that could make the emotional stuff harder to deal with.

ANGISREADY's Photo ANGISREADY Posts: 131
4/23/10 11:37 A

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yes, i am seeing a therapist and am on meds. i have been in therapy 14 years and i'm not getting better. i know everything that they are going to tell me, and i try to do something different and then i relapse. i guess i'm just frustrated that i'm not getting better.

*Angela*

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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 35,517
4/23/10 10:06 A

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Hi!
I will echo Angela, and ask if you have a therapist to discuss all this with.
You clearly have some issues from childhood which are still bothering you. I think you need to find a way to make peace with the past before you'll be able to have a really good relationship now.
I'm sorry about the issues with your boyfriend, but I think you need to have more faith in yourself, and know that you are a worthy person, no matter what your boyfriend does or doesn't do.
I think getting mad at your boyfriend when he gets home would only make things worse between you.
If you do have a therapist, I hope you'll call to talk, or at least to set up an appointment very soon, and if you don't have one, I think you should find one ASAP.
Best wishes to you.
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
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CD1817172 Posts: 2,453
4/23/10 9:15 A

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I think you are overreacting and wayyyyy too insecure. If you act like this around a guy, you will only drive him away. No guy wants a woman who is clingy and insecure.

You have some pretty serious childhood issues. Do you have a therapist you are working with on them? It would do you a lot of good.

ANGISREADY's Photo ANGISREADY Posts: 131
4/23/10 6:50 A

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okay, my dbf and cousin are best friends. my cousin does not like me and this makes it very difficult for dbf and i sometimes. in the past dbf has told me that he has more fun with my cousin then he does with me and that it's the only thing he has to look forward too. then, he said the only reason he said that was because we were arguing and he was upset.

anyways, they went on a roadtrip to a carshow about 5 hours away yesterday and are coming home today. last night, dbf called me and when i asked him where he went out to eat he said he couldn't tell me. i finally got it out of him that he went to hooters. not a huge deal but it does bother me because he said he went their before and it didn't do anything for him, he didn't like the food, etc. then, when i asked him about him when he might come home he said it was going to be late since then had to drive 5 hours, unpack stuff, smoke cigarettes and bs. this does bother me because i got home from visiting my mom Wednesday night like 3 hours before he left, i saw him 20 mins because he was sleeping when i got home. the other thing that made me made upset is that he called me and only talked to me for 1 min and 38 seconds (my phone keeps track of time). he said he couldn't talk anymore but when i was gone i called him every single day and we talked for like 20 mins. i honestly didn't want him to talk to me for 20 mins when he was on his boys only trip but seriously a minute and 38 seconds?

i'll be the first to admit that i have jealousy and insecurity problems. my dad cheated on my mom when i was little and left her for someone else he got pregnant. i also have a fear of abandonment because my father also hasn't talked to me in 14 years so i am afraid of people up and leaving me. sometimes when dbf picks my cousin over me i get the same feelings that my dad gave me. i am in therapy and am taking meds to try and work this all out.

honestly i'm ready to pack up my stuff today and leave and take everything that's mine-which is pretty much everything. i can't stop crying, or throwing up. my blood pressure is 140/95 which is extremely high for me.

so, am i overreacting? i don't want to be mad and start anything when he gets home, but seriously, my blood is boiling. what do you think?

*Angela*

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