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11/2/10 5:37 A

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I really don't think that your wife WILL sit down and talk things thru' - well, not in the way that you want! Perhaps her father is quite right! She has obviously had this type of pattern for a very long time.

Good for you for realising that you need to keep out of the drama games. That would only pull your further down! You say:
"Hindsight tells me we weren't quite ready or mature enough to get married at the time, let alone get our situation right beforehand."

Perhaps this is your answer. Perhaps neither of you ever were ready to get married! Unfortunately we can't undo what has been done, but as mentioned in an earlier post, we can learn from it and move forward.

I can see that you are still grieving very deeply for what was, and what could have been, with the emphasis being on "WAS" and "COULD HAVE BEEN". Grief counselling would be very beneficial for you to help you through this.

If your relationship were going to work, I believe it would work ANYWHERE, not just in one place!

It may be that you both become good friends in time - as opposed to "lovers".

Be kind to yourself - please don't beat yourself up for "coulda, woulda, shoulda!" The thing is, you BOTH have something beautiful out of the relationship that didn't work out - your daughter! Focusing your love on her, instead, may ease your burdon!

Take care,
Kris xx

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
11/1/10 5:21 P

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Hands down, she is following her old pattern with guys all over again. Even her own father said she's never going to change.

That said, I can't help but think if she had actually sat down and talked to me, maybe we could have headed for a path better than what we're on now.

Having let myself feel the pain for a couple days, I am doing much better now, even though it is clawing at me even now, trying to pull me into a dark spiral. I know for damn sure that isn't what my daughter and wife need though, so despite struggling to progress, I am moving forward and will not be beaten by it. Biggest challenge right now will be keeping myself out of the drama games, but I think I can manage now. Finally let myself make the mental transition that she has no big inclination to stay together. Let me open my eyes to several new paths I can take.

As for stupid things I did, it was mostly somewhere along the way forgetting about all the little things that come from expressing love for her. I used to keep flowers on the table for her, but forgot a little more every day as money got too tight to do this or that. I look back with great regret that I let myself get so blind and distant. Among other things. For this part of things, I would have understood her needing distance or leaving. She and I both pushed each other away over and over again, didn't let ourselves trust, allowed the reason we loved each other so much get covered over. I lost myself and she felt like she lost herself as well. Hindsight tells me we weren't quite ready or mature enough to get married at the time, let alone get our situation right beforehand.

I am at a point I can accept my part in this mess. It is hard to tell where she's really at though, as I feel the sincerity when she tells me things like "the only way I can see us working things out is if you were living in NY" and other comments of varying degrees about putting things together. As it is, she does keep coming back to hoping we can stay friends like we used to be. For all her games and other issues right now, she is about as torn up as I am over all this in one way or another. Other people see it too, so that much I know isn't just me.

I can accept not being with her as long as she is happy though. I am the only friend she has had for ten years, the only friend that has seen her through everything during that time. Even proved to her once before that I could stand aside while she was dating someone else. Even if it's foolhardy to the rest of the world, I am not giving up my faith in her. Even if just for my daughter's sake, I will be there for my wife (probably won't call her my ex until I sign the papers, which we still haven't really approached yet).

Other than that, I am also not putting my life on hold. I fully intend to sign up on match.com or something this month, likely in a few days. One thing I have taken from being married is sharing my life with someone makes the world so much brighter. I fear for the ladies that might actually talk to me for all the strangeness I can think up, but it'd be hard to find someone as firmly faithful as I have been.

I'm a hopeless romantic to the core and I know I will never let go of this love. I do know I could grow new love if I allow the chance for it though.

Thank you for listening. With all my friends being either busy/working when I'm free or they're traveling constantly, or they're not even in the same region (if even the same country), this place is somewhere to turn for me to know someone is hearing me and lets me feel a bit less alone right now.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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11/1/10 5:36 A

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For whatever reason, your wife (EX-wife) has decided to call it a day. She obviously has fallen out of love with you, and unfortunately we can't make someone love us! She is playing with your mind - maybe she doesn't really quite know what it is she wants! BUT the fact that she is doing this, I really do feel that you need to move on. I don't know what went on in the past, but your comment " for all my stupid comments and actions i always always loved her totally and now she acts like i am all manner of despicable" leads me to think that in the past you have said/done things that may have contributed to this. It may be that those things just got too much for her to continue with your marriage - perhaps this is why she sought solace elsewhere! Unfortunately we can't undo what has happened, but we CAN learn from it. Obviously not with you and your wife's relationship, but for others that may come your way in the future.

I don't know how - only you will know what will work for you, but trying to make it work isn't a constructive route to take!

Please ensure that you have a therapist to work with you on this. This is extremely important. I really DO feel for you! I am glad that you managed to see your Daughter! That is very important for both of you.

Take care, and DO keep in contact! Have you thought about posting in the "Help, I'm Having a Bad Day" thread! You will get a lot of support and maybe even some good suggestions from the members!

Take care,
Kris



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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
10/31/10 3:51 P

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I wish I could say I was done needing to post on this board. Seems life gave me another punch in the face and knocked me back down. At least once every year or so, some heavy sh*t comes and I wind up just about where I was before. Been this way for ten years straight now.

This time is the worst it has ever been though. Now my daughter, a perfect and ahead of the development curve little girl, is across the continent from me. My wife, whom I have loved so deeply for so long, is playing head games, inciting drama, and trying blame me for everything she can while leaving me for another guy she had a relationship with even before she left. And she left only because her grandparents let her stay in a small apartment under the house they bought. She was waiting for that, so she'd have her own rent-free space, or at least it looks like it to both our families.

And yes, her family has no problems with me at all. Her father told me directly that if she tried to claim her family didn't want to talk to me that I should call him directly and he'd tell me himself.

How do I surrender now when I finally will do anything I can, anything I know how to do, to make things work? She won't even consider marriage counseling at all. Tries to blame me for things with even the flimsiest logic. And keeps stringing me along with mixed messages. I know her well enough to see her trying to dodge her guilt, to make it all into reasonable, sensible choices she made.

I am so raw and fragile now. I finally went out to see her and my daughter a week ago. Stayed a week and tried really hard to be calm, reasonable, and respectful.

can't even continue right now

why doesn't she even want to try to sort things out at least so we understand each other and have an honest and open divorce and instead show me just enough of herself to keep me feeling she is at times on the edge of begging forgiveness

for all my stupid comments and actions i always always loved her totally and now she acts like i am all manner of despicable

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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8/15/10 1:48 A

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It sounds like your wife MAY have had a prior agenda when she went back to "help" the family! It also sounds that you are gradually working through things, as painful as it may be. Make sure that you seek the services of a good lawyer (sooner rather than later) with regard to your rights with your little girl.

Regardless of the outcome, I would be inclined to start keeping a "diary" for your little girl for when she is older. Not stuff that is normally kept in a diary, but one of your love for her, something special that you have done that you want to share with her, etc. THEN when she is older, you will have something nice to give her to SHOW her how much you have loved her regardless of the situation between her mother and you. Something fancy but not necessarily expensive would be nice and make a nice gift of a lifetime!

Kris

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
8/12/10 12:43 P

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Funny how hard we can try at times to make ourselves believe the more palatable answers to difficult situations. It's taken me almost six months to finally open my eyes, despite all the rationalizing, excusing-making, and general denial.

I wasn't the best husband, a bit stuck in a rut, not much direction and felt perhaps a bit powerless to change my situation. I did work full-time and with health insurance though. I worked 2nd shift, yet still regularly got up around 7am to give my daughter breakfast. Was finding the time increasingly fun and invigorating too, as I learned how to truly appreciate my time with my little one.

Was kind of out of the blue when my wife started talking about separation. Her great-aunt passed and she went back to help her family and for us to have some time apart. And so the unfortunate ordeal began.

My wife had been talking to a guy in Canada online since December. I didn't think anything of it, thought it'd be respectfully platonic and all that. Not long after starting talk of separation, she comments of feelings for him. Stopped acting like the woman I knew as my wife and like someone she once was and had to walk away from years earlier prior to being married. I had thought she was beyond that and let myself be naive and blind.

She was all sorrowful and polite and regretful until she left. We would take six months to sort things out. Over time she grew less patient, less pleasant. Simple things got her irritated, always made it seem like a chore to set aside time to have a webcam session with my daughter (and being less than 2 years, my little one never sat long too).

Simple requests as a father, namely asking for just one photo a day at least by text message, were largely ignored or given token appeasement. Our conversations were sadly full of me trying to shoulder the blame as much as I possibly could, to set her on a pedestal, and admittedly at times self-pity saturated as I tried to make sense and come to terms with an increasingly distant wife.

In July she had that guy visiting her. She said my daughter called him daddy a few times, claiming because she's so young. One of my biggest fears was her calling him daddy while on the webcam. Yes, I had webcam time while he was visiting, primarily because I wanted to see his face and overcome the fear. My wife would tell me things like my daughter would hold onto him and wouldn't want to let go instead of wanting to hug someone else every few minutes. Still not really able to process it all.

Finally hit my limit when two things happened. She called me for a FAVOR and was irritated on the phone without me even doing anything. I had called back when the voicemail was garbled and wanted to be sure all was well. She wanted the tools her father had sent us last year because we had none at the time. She claims she wants them for work, as some of her job is maintenance/repairs of equipment in her store (she is an assistant manager w/ benefits there). Said she'd write an email list as I'd asked about which tools she wanted first, even though only a few would be of use at work, she asked for all of them. Still no email a week later, nor an update on her days off that we could do another webcam session so I can see my daughter for 5-10 minutes a week.

She's thrown so many manipulative ploys and tricks around. Her own mother told her when she got back to the NY area "You can tell me anything, just don't lie to me." and her mother told my mother and grandmother about it when they visited my daughter two weeks ago. I haven't been able to afford a visit yet, both due to my wife using a child-support reasonable sum of money and trying to save enough at the same time to drop what has turned out to be $2000 to finish repairs on my truck ($800 more than planned).

And yesterday after not being able to stand this mess anymore, I had an appointment with a lawyer. Unfortunately I discovered I am in about as bad a spot as I could be for seeing my daughter and going through the divorce. I have 5-6 weeks left and it's entirely in NY jurisdiction, which would force me to travel probably multiple times. Could get nailed for around $500 a month, or about 30% of my income, if she decides to play mean. I am still living with family as we had been before she left, trying to pay down bills and save up enough to move. If she won't agree to something else, I can't get my own place for probably at least 5 years. I'd barely be able to save anything and be screwed if gas costs jumped just $.20/gal. She planned it all out it seems.

Going to get a second lawyer's opinion before I move forward on filing in California. Even if I filed tomorrow though, it's possibly been long enough that the case slips fully into NY jurisdiction anyway. The court goes off the location the child has lived for the past 6 months. It's the full six in September. Might at least be able to have plane ticket costs be in lieu of child-support. She's working a full 40 hour week. Hells, her mother is raising my daughter more than my wife is. I'm just glad her family is full of balanced, honest people and not about to act like my wife has been.

Still, my wife has a good heart under her onion layers. I just wish she could have been honest and open with me. I would have UNDERSTOOD! We got trapped because of circumstances. Our original plans were a mess because of Silver State Helicopters closing. Working 2nd shift, I couldn't seem to find any part-time jobs. She didn't look for any herself, even though she had a better chance and we could have worked out someone babysitting. Hells, she would sleep in until 10-11am while I got up with our daughter after getting to bed often at 1am or later because of working nights. My wife even specifically wanted to talk via webcam or phone only, rather than send any emails. Now it looks like keeping herself off a paper trail.

I'm just at a loss now. I have pretty much nothing to stand on legally and even have to explain why my daughter should be allowed to spend time with me and my family in CA. And likely for a week or two for a few years at first because she is so young. If I had any suspicion, my daughter would still be with me in CA. Nobody in my family wanted to believe she'd do something like this and didn't pay any mind to signs she was doing some things that an ex-wife of one of my uncles did. That lady dragged him back to court endlessly for over ten years until the youngest of their kids turned 18. If nothing else, I know my wife's parents wouldn't let her do that. She's living in a one bedroom apartment under her grandparent's house that they just bought not a month before my wife left. Even her mother thought it was convenient timing.

Facing facts now, I'm trying to look forward to the future. I'll survive this in whatever way I can. Once I know what I'm stuck with money-wise, I'll see about immersing myself in the Kung Fu that has probably kept me from going suicidal these past 5 months. Earn my Black sash and maybe be able to teach Kung Fu like I'd truly enjoy doing, provided my Sifu feels I deserve the position. Probably be a job upgrade from where I'm at too, though this is thinking 3-4 years ahead. I'll of course be spending most of my money towards visiting my daughter or picking her up in NY to spend a week or two in CA with me. Figure a middle-range of $300 per round-trip ticket. One if I visit in NY, three tickets if I bring my daughter to CA (one round trip for her, two for me to pick up and return her).

Played like a fool. Getting left for another man. No easy access to my beautiful little girl, nor with regularity. Unable to afford my own place for the foreseeable future. No advancement at work likely for me, while my wife probably can in just a couple years. Fighting depression and increasing stress levels starting to cause twitches.

I'm ready to just close the door and let it all go after everything I've gone through in my life forcing me to be unable to get the f**k out of my parent's house and really feel like myself. So easy to pop a pill or split a vein, in places too remote to ever be found in time. Yes I think about it and honestly I've got some right to it....

...but never more than a few moments.

For my daughter...

I WILL NOT GIVE UP. EVER.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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7/3/10 7:38 A

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You have the strength within you -
"seek and ye shall find!"

Kris

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
7/1/10 4:58 P

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It's funny what can be a catalyst for each individual person. How each of us reacts so uniquely to any given day.

For me it was working my first 12 hour shift in years.

I couldn't tell you it was like a switch flipped, though it feels that way in a sense after the fact. I only really know it was the last 4 hours of that shift (was my Wednesday shift). I've been feeling bubbling need growing inside me for maybe two weeks now, kind of pushing me, kind of not. Now all the overtime I can get. I'm pushing harder at my Kung Fu. Returning to hunting down a part-time job this weekend, maybe even get one if I'm lucky. Committed myself to, when I can afford it, giving my wife $100 a month to help her take care of our daughter. To reminding myself why my wife is the one person in this world that has ever truly earned my trust and I gave her everything I knew how to give for a reason. That my family, as much as they love me, really can't see everything happening and don't understand all that's truly happening or at least don't want to let themselves see. And I will find the strength to move to Long Island and call it home.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgA_bsl84qo&
NR
=1

Funny how you can sometimes find the right song for a moment in time.

She gave up almost everything so we could make things work when she moved to CA for me. That was just one of many truly meaningful expressions of her love for me. While it hurts in ways I don't even know how to feel right now, I know I gave her efforts back to her in only token ways. She would spend months planning my birthday. I half-assed something a day or two ahead for hers. She has strong personal history reasons to avoid all massage oils, but I was so lost inside I actually asked her if she wanted to use the ones a friend gave us for Valentine's Day this past February before she left. I never, EVER did something like that before because I would always remember things like that and respect her feelings. She deserves vastly better than I was giving back to her.

I want to put my ring back on and move to Long Island for her and our daughter. That's only the start of what I have to do. I'm a hopeless romantic by nature, but I've even been ignoring ME for the past couple years. I get the feeling if I'm making real progress at moving and putting myself together right, she'll wait for me. I also accept the fact she might not after all I didn't do for her.

While the heavy overtime at work will not last, getting a second job and keeping myself on my current strong schedule is something I know I can do now, know that I NEED to do now. I also know I'll stumble but I'm tired of crying about loss when I wasn't fighting for what meant more than I could even express in any material form.

I'm not living the "Life sucks, then ya die." mentality anymore.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
6/18/10 5:44 P

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You are on the right track -- I really think so. When I have talked to seperated guys in the past I have always tried to emphasize the importance in getting healthier mentally and emotionally (and I know that you have been working hard at getting physically fit as well), not so that their wives would come back, but because they wanted to be better men regardless.
It sounds as if you are taking on that perspective in earnest -- and no, I don't think that you are losing at all. Real change and real growth take time, and it is usually a two steps forward, one step back kind of process.
While it is important to recognize where you need to change, keep trying to stay focused on where you are going rather than on where you have been, and it will help a lot.
I am quite impressed with your last post, and I believe that positive changes are coming for you...keep up the good work!
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

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6/17/10 7:41 P

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Hey - it sounds like your inward thinking is starting to reap some sort of reward for you. With understanding of your emotions and where you have been, and with the help of your Psychologist and Kung Fu, I am sure that you will make it. No-one says it will be easy! I have a feeling that from what you have described of your wife, she will continue to be your friend, no matter what!

Take care,
Kris

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
6/17/10 7:15 P

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My life is such a mess. It's strange how easily a conversation with my wife helps me keep my head straight. And often when I don't, I can turn around and wonder what the hell happened. With all that is happening right now, it is really easy to slip into negative thoughts and feel like she's basically being evil and I'm the innocent victim. Truth is she tried like hell to make things work, put up with undue hardship from most of my family because she's so different and self-assured, left everything she knew in NY to live with me here in CA. I was not anywhere near ready to have a real relationship when we got married. Still not.

The depression, the subtly distant and partly debilitating and even self-absorbed way my mother and step-father are, and a long string of major setbacks out of my control have been keeping me trapped in myself. I have to admit I don't really know much of my real self and the shell I usually hide behind is a lot like my parents. I have a long history behind me of moving forward, then somehow finding myself in the same place having completely forgotten my better habits and improvements.

I guess I can't run from it anymore and need to put it in writing where I can know it's basically permanent. I am the real reason she left. All the other things going on don't make up for the fact my wife was a dream to me. Bent over backwards and spent months saving small bits of our money to give me amazing birthdays. And I gave her little back.

While the big change was the miscarriage and how that all went and she couldn't deal with the stagnation my life has been anymore, I can't honestly say it was that much of a surprise. Not when I sit and really look in the mirror. I just haven't wanted to face myself or all the wrong I have done.

There is a very solid trust between my wife and I as friends. It is shaken from all that has happened, but certainly not broken. She and I have been through hell holding hands to keep each other standing. I can face not being able to stay married, but losing her friendship is not an option.

So right now I realize above all, I have to take care of myself for myself. Once I put myself together the way I've never quite managed before, then I can truly start taking care of the relationship with my daughter and my wife as either friend or husband. I know my wife will take care of our daughter and herself. That is one thing I don't have to worry about. No matter how long it takes, they'll be ok until I get myself together.

Kung fu is helping, this new psychologist seems the right fit, and for the first honest time, I am not giving up fighting to get better. All that matters right now is getting my head straight so the two people that mean more to me than all the world get the man they deserve from me.

Going to be the hardest battle in this war. Stakes have never been higher. I'm tired of losing.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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6/12/10 6:03 P

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Here are a link re possible side-effects of a miscarraige:
www.americanpregnancy.org/unplannedp
re
gnancy/abortionemotionaleffects.html


Your wife MAY have been largely outwardly worry free about the miscarriage, but sometimes our emotions change in ways that perhaps we don't even notice until suddenly we realise that we are saying or doing things in a way that we wouldn't have prior to the miscarriage. Hope you can understand that.

Kris



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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
6/12/10 11:55 A

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Perhaps that is something similar to what happened when she seemed to just suddenly start talking about separation and divorce like she has. Can I ask you to elaborate more on this kind of situation? I hadn't thought that it might be linked to the miscarriage even though she was largely worry-free about it. It would be a big help to hear how I might understand this better. I'll talk to her about the photo when I have a chance to talk with her next.

And since you commented in such fashion, I must point out that while I am a typical guy in several things, I really don't waste time on "girly" things for a guy to do when it can bring honest benefits. Lavender oil with a bath sounds just fine. I've done a few bath salts and it is usually relaxing. Maybe I should settle into a relaxation bath this weekend.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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6/12/10 12:44 A

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I am sorry to hear of the miscarriage, but as Jodi has said, there is probably nothing that would have stopped it so soon into the pregnancy. Most women actually do have a miscarriage at some stage, but most of those don't realise it. I myself have had one at a few weeks. Some women are affected considerably by it - not necessarily by being angsty, bitchy or whatever, but suddenly deciding that what they have in their present life isn't what they want long term. Obviously I am not able to say why your wife wanted/wants out. I also don't think it was appropriate to send that "teaser" of a photo to you. I hope that you are able to discuss it with her and ensure she is aware that mixed messages like that aren't beneficial for you OR for her!

I am glad that you are getting adjusted to the graveyard shift. Have you ever tried soaking in a bath with some lavender oil? There is nothing poncy about it - lavender has some very calming, relaxing qualities about it, and may even help you to get a better sleep.

Take care,
Kris

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
6/11/10 11:08 A

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I meant it more that there were no medical complications that sometimes attend a miscarriage. Emotionally she was fine. She already had a successful pregnancy so we knew she was able to have children and so early on, neither of us had a chance to deeply invest ourselves in preparation for a new arrival. I think I was intellectualizing the hindsight of the event when I called it "smooth" as I did.

I have not yet had a chance to ask her about the photo though.

As for the depression, I've been low this week mostly due to the graveyard shift adjustment. I went from going to sleep around 2-3AM and now am sleeping at 2-3PM. Flipped my sleep entirely upside down. Already starting to feel better though. I am in the thick of an uphill climb after taking off my wedding band. Will be at least to the end of the month. Not giving up for anything though.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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6/10/10 8:25 P

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There is a very good chance, from what I understand anyway, that a miscarriage that early in the pregnancy may have been because there was something wrong with the baby. It may very well have been inevitable.
Having said that, of course your wife would have wanted and needed your total support and sympathy during and after that ordeal. A miscarriage is both physically and emotionally hard on a woman, and there would be lots of hormonal changes going on as well. I have never heard of a miscarriage being described as "smooth" before, and even if a doctor said so, I wouldn't ever use that term with your wife -- it sounds too much like it was supposed to be easy or routine, which of course doesn't sound very sympathetic.
Did you ask her about the photo she sent of herself?

I hope that your depression will lessen more soon. It is good that you are seeing a psychologist.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
6/10/10 12:47 P

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Finally figured out the main thing that really made her feel she couldn't stay with me. Back in January she was going to be coming back home in a couple days when she started getting a lot of cramps. Got to a point where we were thinking we should consider a hospital visit. She was pregnant at the time by about 3 weeks. In my blindness, I didn't even grasp that she should have remained in NY for a day or two (I had only stayed a weekend at the start of the visit due to work) and visit a hospital there before trying to fly back, even though my medical benefits were active but difficult to access due to a website issue that left new employees unable to register. She should have realized it too but I should have stopped her, told her to stay there because traveling might be bad. I remember saying her medical records are already on file at the hospital out here in CA. That I needed her to come back. That I could take care of her here. She made the flight as scheduled. She was in pain and exhausted when she got in and I don't remember if I took as much of the carry-on load as I usually do or if I failed to. We got to the hospital either later that day or the next morning. Was a painful and bloody but otherwise smooth miscarriage. I feel like I made a huge mistake when I told her to come home when she was in the middle of that.

Finally was able to talk with her a bit today. First time since I took off my wedding band over a week ago. In some ways it was nice to talk. Some ways, painful to face. The way things are between the two of us, we have no problems over love or getting along (at least in the sense of being married with strong personalities). Even when we would argue, we felt secure that it wouldn't get out of hand. The problem has been primarily my depression making me someone different from the man she married and has loved so long. I go blind to things around me, get lost in self-interest, and let life pass me by.

I am naturally optimistic and warm-hearted but the depression leaves me negative and disconnected. I'm now to the point I'm sick of it on a level beyond it's reach. The strength of will buried deep down is now in control of me getting rid of the depression. Two psychologist appointments have passed, kung fu continuing to improve my body (at least a four-pack by September!) and spirit (both confidence and a deep calm), finding myself able to see increasing ways to improve the place I work, friends able to give me reassurance or new perspectives. The depression is not a maybe gone anymore. It will be gone without question, meds or not and nothing is going to stop me anymore.

Above all things, as much as I love my daughter, I hope I can free myself from the chains I've been held by in time to get the woman, whom I love more than all else, to realize there is no one better to take care of her than me.

I wish there was some magic cure-all pill for the first time in my life. Time takes too much time.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
6/9/10 9:26 P

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I am really, really sorry to tell you this, but there is only one response that comes to mind: I think she is messing with you. I don't know why, I'm not sure what she stands to gain from it, but I just can't figure out why a woman who has said that her marriage is over would do such a thing. Maybe it is a power and control thing.
I know that you may be tempted to think that she may have had second thoughts, but I personally would not be able to trust someone who has pulled your heart through the wringer again and again, and then pulls a stunt like that.
Please be careful and guard your heart.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
6/9/10 11:17 A

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I think I am officially decided on posting in one thread. Easier for me to track or is that others to keep track...

I find myself trying to work out something my wife did last week. She sent two photos by text. One of our daughter, but the other one is what has me confused. It was a photo of her in a night dress she slept in often, with a brief message saying she wasn't sure if she should or if I would want the photo but she decided to send it. No nudity or anything, choice of clothing could have been incidental but it is the first photo of just herself she has sent since she left in March. Hoping some of you ladies here can help me understand her better. I was glad to have a new photo of her.

Beyond that, depression is weighing me down, but I am managing. Just switched to 3rd shift (graveyard) this week and essentially flipped my sleep hours upside down right to the hour. I'm tired but a week or two and I will be adjusted. Nice to get up and go to work instead of trying to sleep when I get back from work though. Another appointment with the new psychologist today too.

Wishing healing didn't take so long. emoticon

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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5/30/10 8:07 P

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I am so sorry that things are turning out this way!
I also believe that you will heal, and you are right, it will take time.
Right now you are grieving, the same way that you would mourn if someone you loved had died. The loss is just as real and painful, so taking some time to process the loss only makes sense.
Our society has rituals to help us get through the passing of a loved one. We have no rituals to comfort us when we lose a marriage, unfortunately, but perhaps there are some things that can serve a similar purpose.
One, that you have already done, is removing your wedding ring. You have symbolically acknowledged that your status has changed at the intellectual level anyway, even though emotionally and legally closure is still ahead of you.
Another thing we do at times of loss is to gather together, or send cards, or notes -- anything to indicate our support and care. You are getting in touch with people who care about you, and that is a good idea. Becoming isolated at this time would be a mistake, so keep making those connections, including with us here, because we care too.
As someone who has weathered a divorce, and the loss of a child, I understand that the hurt you are feeling is very sharp and intense now. That is only natural, and for a while you may only be able to take things a day, an hour, even at times a minute, at a time, so be kind to yourself.
I can promise you though, that gradually, sometimes in fits and starts, the pain will begin to dull, and putting one foot in front of the other will be easier. There will be more, better chapters to your life, and you just need to get there.
We will be here for you along the way there.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
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5/29/10 3:07 A

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I haven't had the experience of a marriage separation so I can't speak from experience on that front, but I CAN tell you that when I have had major problems/upsets etc., I have NEEDED to talk constantly about it. For me it helps to rationalise things, put things into perspective and bring about eventual normality. I suspect that this is also the case with you. Come here to talk as often as you need/want - we won't tell you to shut up, go away, or any other negative comment. What we WILL do is to listen to you and where we can provide some suggestions to help you get thru'!

Take care,
Kris

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
5/29/10 2:44 A

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Figured I would just use the thread I made before.

Yesterday was our third wedding anniversary.

Today I took off my wedding band probably for good.

The divorce is coming and I doubt there is anything I can do about it anymore, if I even could before now. A talk with my wife put down the small hope I was clinging to that we could somehow manage to work things out. I won't head into much right now because the emotions are making it hard to think. Talking to a recently found old friend helped and I thought I could make it through work even though I only had two hours of sleep. After two hours, I realized I could barely focus and was getting worse. Left early and have spent the last five hours in my computer chair talking to one friend for a while by phone and another online. Been maybe two hours since they were asleep as they are on the east coast. Do I think I will heal? I don't doubt it but it will take time. Today is the first day I have faced knowing I drove away the woman I love beyond comprehending and know my daughter will grow up without me for at least a year until I can get things together enough to move across the country to be in the area. Text on screen does not begin to tell about the tears on my face, the randomly fighting to keep from screaming and sobbing. I first met my wife when I had nothing stable. Our relationship, and eventually love, saved me and gave me something pure to rely on. Gradually over the past ten years I have been able to rebuild my own strength again. Now everything is being shaken badly. All I know is eventually I will adapt and deal with the pain. Not going to off myself, not going to hurt myself, not even going to drink myself unconscious. Just locked in my room alone, not having any friends I can call and nowhere else to go. I am left trying really hard to keep the faith and trust I always had in my wife at the same time another guy is setting off alarms and for the first time throwing doubt on her. I know I can't think clearly right now so I try to be patient. Not sure if I can do the overtime shift tomorrow, but should be alright after the holiday weekend. At least enough to work. A close friend is back in town on Monday, so we'll talk for a while then. Guess I am otherwise at a loss. I have words with no form. I don't think it has even fully hit me yet. Years ago I had to walk away to wake her up to her self-denial and when it hit me, it literally put me in nearly clinical shock. I don't know how this will hit me, this is far beyond before. The complicated mess of it all makes it all so confusing at the same time it is breaking my heart beyond all experience.

The only certainty I have right now is that I will eventually recover. Don't know how many times I will have to talk it out but I know I'm not done.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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5/23/10 10:43 P

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There are a few of those natural hot springs around and they are generally VERY therapeutic - for arthritis, physical pain in general, AND depression. Some of them you wouldn't be able to go in tho' because they are so hot that people do actually use them for cooking in. Some people have been seriously scalding by falling in them.

The $17,500 sure sounds tons better than the $70k.

Kris

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
5/23/10 10:38 P

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Oh I forgot another one of my lovely problems.

I am still waiting to sort out the Silver State Helicopters student loan. Current court directions indicate $17,500 that I will owe.

It beats the $70k full loan, but it is a difficult time without that extra fun. Easy to forget as it has been almost two and a half years. I don't know where it is going yet, but the $17,500 seems unavoidable. Just hoping it hits more stalls and takes another year, however unlikely at this stage.

And as for when I visited my friend in NZ. I got to relax in a natural hot spring that isn't on any map. My friend commented half of NZ was probably conceived in that one spring. :P

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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5/23/10 9:48 P

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Thank you for sharing that. You obviously have an extremely articulate mind and are thinking things thru logically. I have a feeling that given time and some work, this will have a happy ending.

Kris

PS - Hope you enjoyed your stay in my land of the long white cloud :-)

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
5/23/10 8:34 P

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Thank you CAVEMAN for your reply. I think i should clarify some things a little better, if for no other reason than it helps me solidify my own viewpoints and assures me that I am not completely off my nut and that I have good intuition when I allow myself.

I first want to point out that with my wife and I, she has never once given me any reason to even be so much as a little suspicious of her faithfulness. The high running emotions going on right now make it all to easy to get carried away with even the slightest provocations.

I admit it is not a great thing for her to admit having some feelings towards this guy, especially at the time we are going through. However, some complicated issues I do not intend to talk about publicly in relation to our spiritual beliefs are intrinsically tied to it. I have come to a point in my life in general that I let those subjects alone unless I get to know someone one-on-one first.

It was runaway emotions mostly. She was leaving, then says something like that and I got a surge of possessiveness and jealousy. It wasn't even in character for me. She gets phone numbers from random guys fairly often, but just throws them away every time. She had plenty of chances she never even thought twice about taking. Our long talk sorted most of it out.

As for what happened before she left, no I cannot. Unfortunately, this one is too personal and far more delicately complicated than the issue with the guy in Canada.

The fact she left by plane instead of driving is a result of money and time with our situation and nothing to do with ill intent. Her Great Aunt died two days before she was to be on a plane to see her before she died. If it hadn't been for that, she would have left in June. I must admit it was better she did when she did though. Gave me time to sort things I would be in the thick of now instead of being much further along as I am.

Liars on the internet though? I am part geek. I've met plenty of lunatics, liars, and ludicrous lummoxes. I have also met valued friends, one of whom I would've had as my best man at the wedding if he could have afforded to come. Went to New Zealand to stay with and visit a good friend as well. Ironically, I have met more honest people online than off. That however is just how my particular life has worked out.

Now to specifically address the issue of the fact I love and trust my wife, regardless of the situation I must point out I am quite aware of psychological issues and caring about abusers as a form of coping. That however is not how I am with my wife, nor she with me. I know you only are able to work from what I have said, but please understand I speak with little more than direct intent in my statements whenever I can. I know what caring for your abuser is like. Though I haven't completely come to terms with it just yet, I have was raped by a woman and I took years to even consciously comprehend it.

My wife and I got lucky enough to have a kind of love you see in novels and movies. Not to say we never argue (she is a native New Yorker as just a start!), but more that we always had the confidence nothing we said or did in an argument would be blown out of proportion or cross lines of trust no matter how pissed we were at the time. And the happy times were something a person must feel for themselves to truly grasp, let alone understand. We even have the strength to step away from each other when it becomes clear that is what the other truly needs. I know she will take care of our daughter and when I get myself sorted out, is very likely to restart our relationship again. Though perhaps I will date her properly instead of the long distance start we had, even though the first year was fairly close to what we hoped for after marriage.

With professional help and meds...well, I'm going balls out trying to get free of the depression that saps my will and blinds me to a lack of progress. I'll be quite happy if I do not need meds, but honest with myself enough that it is probably not so simple. I honestly don't care if I have to go through electroshock therapy with a taser every 30 seconds. For my family, I will do anything.

Starting to put together a plan to move to NY around year's end now. A friend already told me she refuses to let me sleep in my truck and said I could have the couch at her place. And before anybody jumps to conclusions, she and her husband are friends I've known for years. Used to live in CA, husband is in the Navy. It's an all or nothing move and I'm leaving almost everything I own behind when I do.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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5/22/10 10:09 P

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Hi DRAGONEAGLE,
I do remember you, and your situation from before.
I am glad that you are reconsidering your decision about seeking professional help. While your desire to be a helicopter pilot sounds great, at the same time, being miserable is not such a wonderful alternative. At least a psychologist could help you assess your needs, as well as give you support in sorting out your relationship.
I'm usually pretty good at reading people, but I confess I'm having a hard time figuring where your wife is coming from exactly, probably because I am only seeing her through your eyes.
I am sure that she shouldn't be communicating with any guy on the internet in any way that creates "feelings for him," so I sincerely hope that is one thing that the two of you got straight in your phone call.
Long-term, you will not be able to work things out if you stay across the country from each other, nor will you be able to maintain a close relationship with your daughter. If she wants to stay in NY and you want to stay on the West Coast, that comes under what they call "irreconcilable differences," and we all know where that leads.
I am glad that you feel that you are on your way to becoming the man that you can be. That is extremely important. Keep doing what you need to do in that direction. Just keep in mind that being apart for so long is tough on any relationship, and that the two of you are going to need to plan to be a lot closer together to make things work.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
-CAVEMAN- Posts: 110
5/21/10 11:13 P

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Base to DragonEagle, base to Drag . . .

Sorry, I just had a flashback from my PTSD. DE, my fingers are sore from playing handball last night for the first time in about six months, I hope you don't mind the shortening of your screen name.

I am a guy, so I look at things from a different perspective than the ladies do here. Actually, I think they cut us a lot more slack because we Are guys and we have had the strength to come on here.

In your first post, you mentioned a couple of times that your wife had done something that you couldn't talk about here. I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but if there is any tie-in to what you only hinted at and your wife being unfaithful, this is the place to lay it on the line.

For the brief time that I have been here, I have seen hundreds of women hurt because of a husband being unfaithful. No doubt, there are thousands more. The only way to make things better is to get your differences out in the open and not let them hide inside you, festering and poisoning your heart.

Another reason I lean to that conclusion is that you said your wife has admitted having "feelings" for this unknown dude from Canada that she met on the Internet.

"Feelings"? What does that mean? I can't tell you how many people are on the Internet to live in some fantasy world. I don't think I've ever seen a fat guy ever post a real picture of himself on the Internet, except me. Can you imagine that there is only one man on the Internet that doesn't have a six-pack?

As there are liars in real life, there are liars on the Internet. You can make up anything you want; I'm single, NOT. I'm 6'3" - more like 5'8". I spend three hours in the gym or running every day; not me, I run about 30 minutes every other day and do some strength work every other day and collapse on Sunday.

You said you are a romantic, but either your wife is a romantic too, or she has a serious problem with reality.

She has feelings for the Internet guy?

She has never met him in person, so truly she has no idea what he looks like. She has had no chance to talk with him in person, maybe he has a friend write his emails for him. He might be 6'3", but only shower once a week.

What she has is "feelings" for her vision of a perfect boyfriend/husband.

You're a west coast guy - she's an east coast girl. She came to California when you got married, but ostensibly couldn't hack it and left without taking any of her stuff - so you are shipping it back to her in NY. Sorry, that rings bells with me, but they are sure out of tune.

You've stated that you trust and love her with all of your heart. That's exactly what little girls say about their daddies who scream, curse and abuse them. They so desperately want to be loved they refuse to see reality. OK, I got a completely different vibe than the ladies did and I admit that I COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG.

Really, I hope I am. One thing I totally agree on with these fine ladies is that you and your wife need to get into some serious counseling BEFORE you decide to get back together.

I went through a very difficult time when I came back from Iraq and another tour in Afghanistan. I had PTSD but didn't want to accept it. I became an alcoholic, trying to self medicate myself. I smoked some pot but, thank you Lord, I stayed away from the hard stuff. My wife left me, went home to her folks and got a job back there. In the first, and only telephone call we had before I got help, she told me she wouldn't return and I couldn't visit my sons until I returned as a human being. I spent time in rehab for alcohol, and when I got out of there, I went into a psychiatric hospital. It took twelve weeks of testing meds and daily counseling, both group and individual, before I left the hospital. The first thing I did was call my wife and tell her I was clean. I didn't have a job, and I was living in a run-down efficiency apartment. She told me I had to stay straight for at least 6 months.

I was furious, and after the phone call, I went out and got drunk. With the psych meds I was taking, I passed out in the bar and woke up in the hospital. I had five or six seizures before I got to the hospital and my stomach got pumped. That was the worst I had ever felt.

When I got out of the hospital I took any job I could get. I couldn't give any work references (Oh yeah, "Jon was a great guy except when he came in drunk or stoned.") I cleaned up construction sites for seven dollars an hour, before taxes. I was a hod carrier for a bricklayer - I carried the cement and bricks for him, but I made $10 an hour there. I worked as day labor for roofing companies where everyone else spoke fluent Spanish, Mexican really.

I had four years of Spanish in high school and one semester in college, but I re-learned Spanish pretty quickly, and I could translate. When the owner of the company found out I could translate, he promoted me to crew leader.

I had to get in a fight with two of the guys on my first crew before they would work for me. We finally started really working as a team, hey, Sargents know how to lead a squad, right, and we started getting more done and more jobs were sent our way. We cruised and I made good money.

I took a week off and went to see my wife and sons, and brother-in-law. He was a county Deputy Sheriff and he didn't trust me. I pretty much had to go through hell with her family because they thought I was trying to con my wife again. I couldn't get them to believe I hadn't "conned" her, ever - that I couldn't handle being scared 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I couldn't stand to see a friend blown into big or little chunks.

I could see that moving my family back to the Houston area would never work, so I moved to their little town in Northwestern Missouri and started a roofing company. The first year, I pretty much starved. My gross receipts were a little over $65k and my net came in at $22k. I didn't pay any taxes that year, but I got to watch my sons play baseball and I got to see my wife on a regular basis.

The second year, I made $125k and netted $60k. I'd gotten better managing and didn't have nearly the scrap I had the year before. At the end of that year, I bought a four bed-room farm house away from town. On Father's Day, my family moved back in and they've never left since.

I don't drink at all, because I know I'm an alcoholic. I still go to the VA in Kansas City to see the Psychiatrist, but I'm getting back where I should be. Only the M-80's the kids set off on the Fourth and on New Years bother me, and sometimes I can't get out the door of my house. My wife has been my rock and has understood me from the beginning.

Maybe because I'm kind of hard-headed and stubborn, it took me way too long to let her help me. And she first had to start out by smacking me in the head when she left.

DE, I'm not going to try and fool you. You're going to have to set down and figure out what is right for you. What things you can accept and what you can't. If you give up everything that is you, you'll lose your soul and never be happy.

You do have to be willing to do some things the way your wife wants, and she must sacrifice for you. If both of you aren't able to do that, well, sometimes relationships end that way.

I was told the formula for a bad marriage, and I'll share it with you. "A woman goes into marriage expecting to change her man, and finds out she can't. A man goes into a marriage thinking his wife won't change, and she does".

Somewhere, in between, both of you have to meet to be successful. I've been married 19 years. Sometimes, I made it impossible. Sometimes my wife made it difficult. Sometimes we both made it difficult. But there is no way in blazes I would trade her for any three other women in the world.

Good luck.

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I am really pleased you have had that long talk with your wife. Often mis-understandings and mis-communications put a lot of unnecessary strains on relationships and if that can be dealt with appropriately, then there is a lot of hope. I have a feeling that somehow things will work out for you both. Hang in there on that one, but be realistic, too!

A lot of people who suffer from depression don't have the people around them who understand the depression or know how too help us. A lot come out with cruel unjust comments simply because of their lack of understanding. Do know that here you will have the support of people who have been there, or who are there now. For some of our members, it is the only support that they get, and helps to keep them here.

Take care, and remember, keep the communication going - with your family AND with us :-)

Kris

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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
5/20/10 4:08 P

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I spoke with my wife for about two hours earlier today and we covered a lot of ground. There were some very serious misconceptions we had between each other that we talked out and improved. Also helped us both in general to calm down a lot and be more at ease when we talk, knowing it wasn't a lack of love but a lot of other issues that we are where we are now.

For my wife's end, she misunderstood when I had told her that I would use to separation to see if I could let myself live. Having been a cutter many years ago and at one point had suicidal feelings a long time ago, she mistook what I said. I had mean letting myself live as in allowing myself to find the joy in things, to live life to the fullest like I have been afraid to do. After we worked through it, she felt much better.

For me, the night before she left was painful. I am not going into it due to it being extremely personal but again, we talked it out and I feel much better about it as well. For two big issues for me in fact.

Before I got into Silver State Helicopters, I was just refusing meds on principle of it being a failure of mine to not beat my own problems. After Silver State Helicopters shut down and left me in the lurch, I had a valid reason not to take meds because I fully intended and still intend to become a helicopter pilot someday. I remember the laws that some meds were strictly not allowed, even if they were only in the past. It would have kept me from flight for life.

Talking to my wife today though, I realized it is no longer something that I can wait and see with. Granted, I am feeling mountains better now that I am getting into shape with Kung Fu, but that will not break the cycle I know I have. I don't know if I actually need meds or not now, particularly as I am taking St John's Wort to supplement my balancing. I will be leaving the decision up to somebody with a degree though, when I start seeing a psychologist soon. My family is far more important to me than flight, or even Kung Fu. All that matters is doing whatever I can to cross this mire of depression to the bedrock of my real self I know is ready for me to stand on.

I think I will study with Grandmaster Shum for the weapons seminar on June 5th. Even my wife was thinking I should because it is a real dream of mine to train with a true Grandmaster. As he is going to retire after June, it is the last chance for ANYONE to train with him.

I also came to realize today that as much as my family cares for me, NOT A SINGLE ONE actually understands me, nor do I think they even could if they tried. My grandfather lets me be myself and he just is who he is too, he is my confidant but he doesn't understand things I talk about often. I think one of my uncles though might just be able to understand a little. He's one of three in my family that doesn't judge or try to force opinions. He's the only one too, in that small collective that has had his share of hardships in life related to divorce. Talking to him this Sunday, so we'll see.

My wife and I love each other still. Still trust one another. Misunderstandings have been a big issue between us, as well as forgetting to actually talk to each other and communicate like we did before we got married and even during our first year or so. She told me the only way she can imagine it working out is if I was a different person and making a life for myself in NY. As well as saying we could even patch things up and want to remarry after being divorced.

I know it will be possible for me to move to NY by the end of this year, regardless of all the other things I am dealing with. Meds or not, I am transforming myself not into somebody different, but stripping away all the bullsh** I have been dealing with for a decade. I will become the man she sees in me, that she was hoping I'd bring out when we got married, that I have been hiding within. I am now on fire.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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STIRLINGGIRL1 Posts: 261
5/20/10 7:00 A

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I'm sorry to hear all that you are going through.I hope things will get better for you

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5/20/10 5:45 A

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I'm so sorry you are going through so much and feeling overwhelmed.
I think the primary issue is the one of the separation from your wife and child.
It is not good that you are so far apart from each other. You didn't mention your daughter's age, but you clearly want to be able to see her. Have you been to see a lawyer to find out what your options are in this situation?
If you force your wife to return to CA, but would still be living apart, you would then be supporting two households, although your wife could be working too. You would still have to pay child support, which you may be paying now. And, of course if you force your wife to return to CA, she would likely be very resentful, which could further strain your relationship.
As you can see, we are here for you, so please keep posting.
Have you considered moving to NY to be closer to them?
I think the issues with your wife and child are the most important to settle first.
I'm sorry that your truck will require so much money to keep it running safely.
Relatively speaking, the $150 it would cost for you to train with the Grand Master, is not a lot of money.
Checking into getting in to therapy is an excellent idea! Have you been to a psychiatrist, and have you been diagnosed with depression? Are you on anti-depressants?
Please write any time.
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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Hi DRAGONEAGLE - welcome to our team. I am glad that you have found us and that you have posted!

I can see that you have a lot going on in your life, and can understand the torment and your dilema.


Some of your issues are to do with your emotional health and your perception of life in general, some are relationships and some are financial. Put them together and it makes it seem insurmountable, but they are able to be tackled individually.

I think what needs to be done is that each problem needs to be tackled as a separate entity in it's own right. Some things you will need the help of a Therapist, and I was glad to see that you are making moves toward a Psychiatrist. Sometimes when we are in that dark space we don't really see things as they really are and this is where a Psychiatrist or Psychologist can come into their own.

I will comment on your LAST comment, first. Just before my elder child was born, my daughter, I finished work, and never worked in the paid workforce again for a number of years. I was a stay-at-home mum, and for those who have done that, it can be very fullfilling, and it can also be very time-consuming, altho' often our spouses or a non-parent don't see it that way. I believe that that is because we spread our work-load over a 24hr day. I know that it is hard to believe that, but often if a baby wakes during the night for a nappy change or feed, usually it is Mum who gets up; if a child is sick during the night, usually it is Mum who deals with it - the same with the bad dreams etc. I know my hubby often didn't even know that I had been up because he slept thru' it all. I breast-fed my 2nd child for 2 1/2 years because of serious allergies, and he was often very sick - at times stopping breathing in his sleep. As a result I was also very tired. My hubby and his AND my families failed to acknowledge that I actually had a right to be tired dealing with all of that, as well as the normal running of a household. I was often told I was lazy - they just didn't see, they didn't accept, that there was justification for it.

I can't speak from personal experience on separation or having a child live a long way from me, but I would be inclined to think that if your daughter is getting the happy, healthy input from her Mum, and regular contact from you via e-mails, phone calls, texts, or letters (and remembering Xmas and Birthday's) then I am sure that she will do very well. Sometimes a separation is better than having the parents living close to each other and not getting on.

Just because your wife has moved out at this point doesn't necessarily mean that everything is over. Perhpas your emotional health put that big strain on her and as a result she has dealt with it in this way. It may also be that when you have gotten back onto a healthier, happier track, that she will reconsider. This will give you both some breathing space, for each to sort out just what it is that each of you wants and needs. It may be that those things are mostly the same, but you must also accept that they may not be, but that doesn't mean that you can't be friends and have a good relationship in time.

IF you CAN afford to train with Grandmaster, then I would be inclined to do it. It may give you some peace of mind, or you may learn some direction that perhaps you hadn't previously considered.

I wish you well on your journey, and remember, we are here for you - to help and support you in any way that we can. If you have any questions just ask - there is usually someone around, so a response shouldn't be too far away.

Take care,
Kris





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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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DRAGONEAGLE Posts: 49
5/20/10 4:15 A

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It is funny how life can often throw a veritable horde of things at a body sometimes. I have so many things coming at me at once right now it's a wonder my depression isn't spiraling at the same time I am climbing the wall and pushing back the tide. I will break up the items because there are so many and I don't want anybody to get lost. x.x

Right now I am dealing with a separation with my wife. She and our daughter are in NY with her family while I am still in CA working.

Trying to get myself a new place to live before the end of June and find a second or better job.

Need to replace the clutch and tires on my truck, which is about $1200.

Trying to study Northern Eagle Claw Kung Fu and get in shape.

Struggling to get out of a depression that has been with me for a little over ten years now.

Trying to clean and organize things while having to send boxes of my wife's things every week or so by mail.

Making moves towards seeing a psychologist for depression since I have coverage now.

Finally accepting my wife has been lying about some things at the same time she is being defensive because of the past she has been through.

Trying to decide whether or not I should take a once in a lifetime opportunity to train with Grandmaster Leung Shum in June (he will fully retire from teaching once he is done) but it costs $150. This is a lifelong dream of mine to train with one such as him.

::cough:: It is more complicated the further into detail I get and I only gave the general outline of what I'm dealing with. Days right now are dragging for ages, weeks seem like months with all the stuff I'm dealing with. I don't even have the option for 8 hours of sleep a night right now because I don't have the damn time anymore. I only get back to the house around midnight and still have some things to do after work before I can sleep, then need to be up and moving before 9am or I don't have enough time out of work.

The biggest sticking point right now is I finally let myself accept the fact my wife has been lying to me about some things. Not simple things either, but I cannot go into some details publicly.

She said she couldn't trust me being able to take care of our daughter because I get too depressed in the morning, but she only referenced one morning and not any other points. It got to a point I got 5 hours of sleep most weeknights because she didn't get up in the morning, though both because I only see my daughter in the mornings and because I do like letting my wife relax by sleeping in (she tends to need 9 hours of sleep or so). Geh...

Mostly right now I am just reeling from letting my eyes open. I love her so deeply, trust who she is at her core implicitly and have a VERY hard time accepting her not being honest with me about anything or even doing anything wrong. I am a hopeless romantic that has someone to love. It's just who I am, though if we make it through this separation, I will be going about things differently.

My wife has put up with a lot to be with me. She did wonders and moved all the way across the country for me when we got married. I let myself forget too many things, simple little things of love, when our money got so tight we only could afford to feed our daughter and had to work with what my family had (we lived with family) and they didn't always go shopping regularly. Among other things, this was some of the reason why we are separated now.

Right now I am firmly holding that staying together is far better for our daughter. I won't accept amicable divorce unless we have tried all options to make it work at this point, such as marriage counseling. The way things are going right now though, I worry I may even have to invoke California law that requires she live in the same region so I can see my daughter. I think the schools and culture in NY will be far better, but as a parent I know I can fill in gaps. It'd be worse for my daughter to grow up without me around much.

If my wife had done this separation in an open way, instead of the rather sudden and scrambled fashion it has been, it would be easier to deal with. Instead she started talking to a guy online and it really seems like hardly a month after that, she is looking at separation. Add in that her great aunt passed away a little later so she left three months earlier in a highly emotional time. Add in also she and I were planning for me to study martial arts because it helped me a lot in the past and once the money was available she seemingly reverses and is upset about spending the money when we finally got my truck paid off and no longer had the money crunch (kung fu is less than half my truck payment by far).

She asked me not to tell anyone about the guy she has been talking to. As time has passed and I understand how bad things are, how much is not as open and honest as she has been trying to make it appear...I have faith in her even though I know she has not been truthful. At least the guy is in Canada and not living nearby her right now. Though for me, actions of the heart are more important than those of flesh. I fear even though she admitted to having some feelings towards him, she has not told me the whole truth. I really feel like she found someone new full of unknown potential when she is tired of me still struggling to get out of depression.

I'm sorry this post is so long. I suppose I am mostly just trying to vent, though I am also hoping outside perspectives will help me sort things out. I know my wife is in her defensive mode and not entirely herself. She was at home all day since our daughter was born. Mostly just watching our daughter and being idle without even a part time job to keep her occupied. If she was being entirely honest right now, perhaps things would be different. Now I'm pissed off and scared and overwhelmed at the same time I am determined, gaining strength, and finding out more and more that I am right with my instincts about the situation. I'm not giving up on her or our marriage though.

The most powerful force on earth is the human soul on fire. ~Unknown (forgot)

"Once you have tasted flight you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and will always long to return." ~DaVinci
I *will* be a career helicopter pilot someday.


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