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THERESAT858's Photo THERESAT858 Posts: 1,682
6/26/10 3:02 P

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Nancy,
Thankfully, this week brought with it a little down time! My boss being out of town helped...although next week will likely be super busy. I am trying to start doing a little more yoga - I used to be committed to my Sunday 11AM class, but life keeps getting in the way! This week I did ~15 minutes before my strength training workout, and that's my plan for this afternoon, as well.
What is this stress relief group? That sounds like something I could benefit from!

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going" ~Beverly Sills

"Having it all doesn't necessarily mean having it all at once" ~Stephanie Luetkehans


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6/23/10 1:12 P

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Thinking of you Theresa and wondering if you got some down time.

Sounds like you have a plan for now anyway. I wish your fiance could be more supportive of you.

Nothing you can do about the other stressful situations?? There is a great stress relief group that a few of us have started sharing in and working on tools to help us cope. Would this help in your situations or could you share more??
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Nancy

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
6/21/10 10:02 P

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THERESA I wonder whether it is the stress of being in a demanding job/school situation that is overloading you? Sometimes when we have depression we can handle day-to-day things okay when there isn't too much pressure, but certain circumstances (because we have more to deal with than most people anyway) can push us past our ability to cope.
I worked for many years and went back to school to get into my chosen career. I lasted 2 1/2 years until the stress broke down my health, and I have been on disability ever since. It is not worth it!

One of the most stressful things that we do to ourselves is to tell ourselves that we have no choice -- no possible alternatives, when in fact that is rarely ever true. We may not be very happy about the alternatives, or we may have to live with a situation short-term, but being open to new ideas and possibilities, even if they don't seem practical at the moment, can save us a lot of grief. Try to think in terms of "how" instead of "why not" as you consider your options. It is easy to see the obstacles, especially when you are depressed, but doors may open that you have no idea about just yet.

There may be other related fields that you can use your skills in that you haven't thought of -- just keep hoping and believing that better times are coming, and keep looking for possibilities!
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
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My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
THERESAT858's Photo THERESAT858 Posts: 1,682
6/21/10 6:31 P

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My fiance is not much help when it comes to these things...he thinks I just need to find better ways of dealing with the stress that inevitably comes with my job, and says that you can't expect to find a job you enjoy and that will pay the bills, suggests that you aren't really supposed to 'like' work (i guess he never has).

Right now I am going to stick out the postdoc at least through August, that is how long my guarenteed funding lasts and after that we will see (I will be sure to get my annual and dental in during that time, lol).

I am also trying to build a Mary Kay business as an alternative $ source and way to have fun, and Lee is less than supportive of that, also. Thankfully the mk people seem to be very supportive, though, so that helps.

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed. My boss is out of town for the week which makes the possibility of going home and crawling into bed a real one, and one I am thinking of.
There are many things stressing me out right now and I can't do much about any of them.

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going" ~Beverly Sills

"Having it all doesn't necessarily mean having it all at once" ~Stephanie Luetkehans


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NANCYLEE46's Photo NANCYLEE46 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/19/10 3:21 P

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I have been thinking of you Theresa,

Have you discussed your job disastisfaction with your fiance?

Being unhappy in a job is tough since we spend so much time at work. Are you feeling pressured to stay in the field due to your parents help?

Crazy as this may sound - regardless of a job or hobby, if you could do one thing what would it be?

Full of questions arn't I? Just trying to help you process it, unless you magically decide to love what you are doing.

I guess what it comes down to is that you have one of 2 choices - decide no matter what that you are going to stick it out, at least for a certain amount of time or decide you will remain open to exploring other possibilities. Think about this and notice if your feelings change with one choice or another.

Hope you are having a good week-end.
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Nancy

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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THERESAT858's Photo THERESAT858 Posts: 1,682
6/16/10 3:56 P

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Nancy,
I think you have hit the nail on the head: NO, I am not enjoying my job. I thought I would - it is in an exciting field and the work is not particularly difficult nor hard to learn (although I was worried it would be, my boss thinks that I am learning a lot really quickly, so I guess its not as hard as it seems from outside). But the project contains all of the usual pitfalls of working in science... lots of negative results before positive ones are obtained...and I am finding it more and more difficult to maintain an optimistic attitude and to separate work-related disappointments from personal failures (when really, it is not my fault - and no one is blaming me but part of myself). ...and I am questioning my choice of a career in science.

I spent 5 years getting a PhD so that I could have successful and productive career in research science, ideally working for a large parmacuetical company...or a small biotech...or anywhere....
Unfortunately the jobs I once dreamed of are disappearing from existence, and I am also becoming less and less certain of my desire to work in research at all. If I cannot be happy working in this postdoc, I'm not sure I can be happy in any research job - although the real salary might help at first, it doesn't really matter what you're making per hour if all of the hours kinda suck.

So...the long and short of the problem is, I am 29 years old and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Oh and I just finished being unemployed and supported by my parents for ~6 months before starting in this position (because they were willing, real jobs in my field weren't available although I was looking, and I wasn't keen on entering into a postdoc in the first place)...after spending all of those other years getting the PhD. In a field I have no desire to work in again. (The new position is different enough to be a different 'field' but related enough that I'm not too lost).

But I have no idea what else I would want to do, and my fiance does not make enough money for 'housewife' to be a legitimate option...also, I don't make a very good housewife, as the place remained a mess while I was unemployed...although I did get better at cooking dinners.

Days like yesterday I just want to hide from all of this...ok most days I do hide from it, by burying myself in other work or wedding plans or ...anything except thinking about my career-related future.

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going" ~Beverly Sills

"Having it all doesn't necessarily mean having it all at once" ~Stephanie Luetkehans


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6/15/10 7:10 P

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Theresa - Thank you for clarifying your position regarding suicidal ideation. I am emoticon you are having a difficult time right now and struggling with the self injurious behavior.

I must say even though you are having a hard time, I see so much positive also going on in your life. The prospect of new events and the unknown can be a scary time.

Maybe while you are going through the transition to the world of work you can increas how frequently you see your therapist. Also, as I know you probably are already aware of as you discussed your medication increases/decreases. A revisit to your dr. concerning these would seem to be in order. Maybe just another temperary increase to again help through the transition.

I am wondering - are you enjoying your job? Sounds like you might be questioning your career choice. I know you will work through this and we are here to support you and listen while you sort through your thoughts.
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Nancy

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You, too? Thought I was the only one.’” (C.S. Lewis)

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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,408
6/15/10 5:02 P

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I am so glad you have an appointment coming soon with your therapist. The question is it soon enough? Depression is a biochemical imbalance as I'm sure you know better than I. You are right the the change in your daily life would make a big change in your body. Have you ever done any meditation? It is very calming for me and often ideas drift in that are very helpful to me.

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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THERESAT858's Photo THERESAT858 Posts: 1,682
6/15/10 4:43 P

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To clarify...the thoughts of hurting myself are not anything that I plan on acting on...they are wishes in the back of my mind and are appearing again on occasion, but I am not actively suicidal or even thinking about resorting to my old tool of self-injury. (Although on Saturday I did self injure for the first time in maybe 8 months, maybe even longer. I have not yet spoken to my therapist about this, but I will at our next appointment Wed then 23rd).
I am "safe"...just disturbed at the return of these thoughts and feelings...and wondering how to not have to live like this *without* increasing my medication again...
I have been on a stable dose of Effexor XR at 150mg/day for maybe 2 years now (and on some dose for 5 or 6, but it used to be higher). Last summer, when I was under the previously mentioned stress of finishing up my thesis, my doctor and I increased my dose to 225mg/day, but at that does, had to add 50mg of Seroquel at night to help with the agitation I was experiencing on the higher dose...in September or so I tapered back down to the 150 mg.

Obviously when taking this job I did not realize that a return to science would so quickly induce a return to depression... I guess I am still hoping that it is just an adjustment period (I mean, it is a large change going from working 0 hrs/week to working 40-50hrs/week!) so that might be part of it too. I *am* still getting enough sleep - 8-9hrs, the same amount I usually get, and not waking up with an alarm most mornings. I did work out on Saturday and yesterday. I am trying to get out and get some sunshine.
The problem is, if I don't want to do science, which I have been training for my whole life (or at least since halfway through high school), I have no idea what else I could/would want/etc do with my life. And that's a rather scary thought!

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going" ~Beverly Sills

"Having it all doesn't necessarily mean having it all at once" ~Stephanie Luetkehans


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TREATL's Photo TREATL Posts: 6,613
6/15/10 4:10 P

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First of all-my heart goes out to you in the midst of your suffering. You have had a dream of working in this particular scientific field. After all your preparation, you are finding it difficult to work in that field. Perhaps this is the time to look for another field of employment. I know you say your health coverage is good, but you are actually making yourself sicker by working at that job. Because you are having self-harming thoughts, please seek out immediate help for yourself, as Carol Jean recommended, okay?

Please let us know how you are doing. You matter. We care. :-)

Co-Leader, Dealing with Depression Team

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ? Maya Angelou

“The art of medicine is long and life is short; opportunity fleeting; the experiment perilous; judgment flawed.”-Hippocrates, The Emperor of All Maladies

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overcomes the love of power
the world will know peace.
--Jimi Hendrix


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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,408
6/15/10 3:26 P

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Not only are you back, but it sounds as if your depression is back. That is the nature of depression. Were you on meds before? Are you still?
Since you are having thoughts of hurting yourself, please go to the emergency room immediately. The professionals there will help you get the help you need. Please post soon to let us know you are okay.

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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THERESAT858's Photo THERESAT858 Posts: 1,682
6/15/10 3:09 P

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It had been many months since I felt myself struggling with depression. Months since I sensed the presence of that dark cloud, months since my thoughts automatically turned to fantasies of no longer being here. I was feeling better. I was doing better. My therapist and I had decreased our sessions to once every two weeks...then once every three. Not just because things were no longer covered by insurance, but mainly because the weekly visits no longer seemed necessary. My life was falling into place. I got my PhD. Lee proposed. I had a wedding to plan. My mother was supporting me financially while I looked for a 'real job', and was being understanding of the associated difficulties due to the economy. I felt in control of my life.
...
And then I decided to take a position as a postdoc. This decision in itself did not seem bad... The option fell into my lap when I emailed a few of my committee members regarding writing reference letters for postdoc positions. One of those guys, Dave, had an opening in his lab for a postdoc. On a project involving structure-based drug discovery, which in theory is really cool, and right up the alley of my interest. While Dave didn't have immediate funding for me, a coworker he shares a lab with is willing to sponsor me for a few months until a fellowship comes in. So...now I have a job as a postdoc.
Now I have been at this job as a postdoc for 1.5 weeks.

One and a half weeks. I started on a Thursday. For the majority of the days since the following Monday (June 7), I have had a headache. I didn't note this above, but my headaches all but went away while I was unemployed. They were diagnosed as tension headaches about a year ago by my doctor, when I was in the midst of thesis writing. And they're back.
I have also started having what I like to call 'depression thoughts' and feelings again. On some level, wanting to die, although really it is just being tired and wanting a break and not wanting to deal with the hard parts of life. And all of life suddenly seems hard again..even the stuff that wasn't hard two months ago.

We already have negative results. I am not capable of separating my science from my self and not feeling bad when things happen that are not really my fault. I hate the day to day of science. I can't do it anymore.
I spent 5 years of my life getting a PhD. Now, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. For now, I will continue with the postdoc, because there really is no other choice. (the healthcare is good.) But I hate it. I hate the stress. I hate the unknowns. I hate that success depends so much on luck and not just on how hard one works. And I hate that I see no way out.

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going" ~Beverly Sills

"Having it all doesn't necessarily mean having it all at once" ~Stephanie Luetkehans


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