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8/6/11 11:36 A

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toobie condolences but then you were already on your way and this will make it easier my friend we are sure glad to hear from you and come daily if you can..we are always here for you for sure
the lady mary

TODAY IS LIFE THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

there is no cause when there is no effect km

i can do that, but not on a tuesday
for that is my day of thrust in the opposite direction -
off the starboard bow
over the hurdles,
and down the shute.

last is just the slowest winner. c.hunter boyd

people often say that motivation doesn't last. well neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. zig ziglar

if i stitch fast enough do


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PETITFLOUR's Photo PETITFLOUR SparkPoints: (0)
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8/6/11 4:31 A

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hello!

I am not surprised you are depressed. Noone can just take all that load tht you dealt with over the course of your life. Hope you soon find ways to deal with your past and adress your future.

bear hugs

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (324,862)
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8/5/11 11:13 P

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I am sorry to hear of his passing. I also sense that perhaps you may have some guilt feelings as a result of your wanting to leave him/his death. Please ensure that you realize that the two are totally unrelated.

I really DO wish you well, and your boys, too! We are here for you in any way that you need/want us.

BIG hugs,
Kris

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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TOOBIE1's Photo TOOBIE1 Posts: 8
8/5/11 10:11 P

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Hi All,

It's been some time since I posted. I hope you are all well.
I just wanted to let you know that in the midst of my making plans to leave my husband, he became ill and died.
I put on some weight dealing with the stress of his illness, bereavement and adjusting to my sons' and my new normal.
The boys and I went though grief counseling. I'll start seeing a individual therapist next week.
I continue pressing on toward the goal of living my best.
I wish you all continued success on your weight loss journeys.

JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
6/20/10 10:44 A

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I'm so glad you're making plans. And that you've contacted an attorney and medical help. Stay strong. It's scary but it can be done. margi. emoticon

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margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
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6/19/10 7:07 P

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Thank you for getting back to us. I am glad that you are taking some form of appropriate action. I know from experience that it is very hard to accept that the person we married hasn't remained that same person, and as a result has made things very tenuous to say the least.

Take care,
Kris

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,395
6/19/10 7:07 P

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You sound as if you are taking actions to protect yourself and your children while maintaining your values. Keep us updated as possible. We care.

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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VXWALL1942's Photo VXWALL1942 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/19/10 4:26 P

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Thanks for the update. As long as you're taking action you consider to be appropriate, and you are safe, I can only say 'take care' and keep us aware of how you are doing.

vicki

vicki

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Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. -Anonymous

If life is a bowl of cherries, what am I doing here in the pits? -Erma Bombeck


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TOOBIE1's Photo TOOBIE1 Posts: 8
6/19/10 3:58 P

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Thanks for posting that poem. I read it some time ago, but never thought it would apply to me.

There's so much I'd like to say,but I don't seem to be adequately explain the complexity of my situation in writing. I may be suffering from some magical thinking, but I don't feel the need to flee. Suffice it to say, am moving forward - I've consulted a divorce attorney and dv conselor. I'm decluttering in preparation to move and have contacted a family therapist and am seeking individual therapy.

My husband is a good guy at heart. He has quite a bit of baggage from his childhood and needs help with his mental health. I know it's not my job to get it for him, but I think his being in therapy with make the dissolution of our relationship easier all around.

I'll keep you posted.

Toobie!

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6/19/10 10:07 A

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Wow Kris! How moving...and how pertinent to this situation. Thanks for sharing. I've 'goosebumps' from this one.

vicki

vicki

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Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. -Anonymous

If life is a bowl of cherries, what am I doing here in the pits? -Erma Bombeck


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JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
6/19/10 7:51 A

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What a powerful poem. I've not read that before. margi.

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margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
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6/19/10 1:11 A

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Poem about Domestic Violence (he has shown he has the potential to be dangerous by your description of the veins in his neck, etc.)


I Got Flowers Today


I got flowers today.
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said.
Because he sent me flowers today.


I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary any other special day.
Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare.
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today,
and it wasn't Mother's Day or any other special day.
Last night, he beat me up again.
And it was much worse than all the other times.
If I leave him, what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry.
Because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night, he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers...today.

By Paulette Kelly


Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
6/18/10 7:03 P

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I was also in a marriage for 17 years that was miserable. Now I have been married for ten years to a wonderful man.
Hopefully you would get child support to help with your financial needs.
Keeping your apartment is the least of your concerns really. Whether it is fair or not, leaving is probably your best and safest option. You do not have to live in fear or misery, and your kids need to know that this isn't what marriage should be, so that they will make healthy choices for themselves.
We care, and are very concerned for you and your kids!
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,395
6/18/10 12:07 P

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Please keep us informed of the safety of you and your children. We all care and are concerned. Hope you can find the strength to take action that will help you.

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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TOOBIE1's Photo TOOBIE1 Posts: 8
6/18/10 9:40 A

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Thank you all for your support and suggestions.

JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
6/16/10 5:11 P

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I'm so sorry you are in the predicament you're in. Again, I agree with what's been written. I separated and divorced a mentally abusive husband after just 7 years of marriage. He showed his true self for kindness after our infant son died. I decided I couldn't stay with him. I got 2 jobs (which you already have 1), made my plan and one night, he offhandedly suggested we get a divorce because we hardly saw each other. I said "let's do it." I'm not saying being a single mom is easy but like the old saying goes, I'd rather be on my own and feel safe and at peace than live in the turmoil and stress that was called my marriage. I wish you the very best. It will be a difficult task but one that you MUST pursue for yourself and your children. The women's shelters can help and protect you. margi. emoticon

_______________________
margi
Michael's Mom
12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
_____________________



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WOWEETOO's Photo WOWEETOO SparkPoints: (0)
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6/16/10 4:30 P

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YOWZIAS..A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT FOR SURE YOU NEED TO GET OUT EVERYTHING TELLS YOU YOU NEED TO DO THAT AND ONLY YOU CAN DO IT YOU STRIKE ME AS INTELLIGENT BUT YOU STAY WHY IS IT YOU THINK YOU DON'T DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT???
you need to take care of you because you are not setting any kind of example for those children at all and as for the non-fulfilling job you might find if you get out from under this man (and the others in the family that pull you in) that your job will get better and you will find it easier ..but you know kno one can do that but yourself and you have to pick up and DO FOR YOURSELF
you can do do lots and lots of women have gone on before you and paved the way for others and then there are others who know the way but are afraid..you can do it but you have to do the walk no one else can do it for you and amke it easier
hugs the laddy mary

TODAY IS LIFE THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

there is no cause when there is no effect km

i can do that, but not on a tuesday
for that is my day of thrust in the opposite direction -
off the starboard bow
over the hurdles,
and down the shute.

last is just the slowest winner. c.hunter boyd

people often say that motivation doesn't last. well neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. zig ziglar

if i stitch fast enough do


 Pounds lost: 273.0 
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208.5
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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,395
6/16/10 12:56 P

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I agree with all that has been posted... and that you take action immediately. This man may be part of the reason your children are the way they are.
Now, I ask you to do one more thing. Read your post as if it were someone you had never met. What would you tell them to do????

Lost 65 lbs and maintained since 2006.


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VXWALL1942's Photo VXWALL1942 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/16/10 12:39 P

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I can only confirm what the others have said. A relationship in this condition is indeed a dangerous place to stay. A local women's shelter can provide you with a safe out and then you can pursue other things. Talking with a therapist could give you appropriate input and direction. If you don't have one, I strongly recommend you contact your dr for a referral to one. This situation calls for action on your part.

We are here for you to support and encourage. Keep posting so we know how and what you are doing. Best of luck to you. Act now!

vicki

vicki

Co-moderator
Dealing With Depression


Team Leader
Living with Neuropathy

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Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. -Anonymous

If life is a bowl of cherries, what am I doing here in the pits? -Erma Bombeck


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SYLPHINPROGRESS's Photo SYLPHINPROGRESS SparkPoints: (108,158)
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6/16/10 12:16 P

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It does seem that your husband would have a few psychiatric diagnoses, none of which I'm qualified to make. It also seems that, through the course of your marriage, he's become moreso of those diagnoses. A call to a shelter, as the others suggest, may well be a good idea.

Apart from that, your husband is not the one posting here. The description of your own choices and inclinations, dating back to the reason you give for marrying, point to psychotherapy as a path that may be invaluable for your future.



LAURIE, NYC

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SCOOTER1955's Photo SCOOTER1955 Posts: 5
6/16/10 10:57 A

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Hi Toobie,

I agree with Angela.. Plan your escape and get out. Your life will be so much easier and less stressful once you're out of the situation. What matters the most is your childrens well being and your survival in a brutal personal world thats been created around all of you.
Plan that escape, it'll be the most important thing you've ever done in your life.
I wish you the best - let us all know how you're doing.


CD1817172 Posts: 2,453
6/16/10 10:45 A

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Please contact your local women's shelter IMMEDIATELY and work on an escape plan! You are NOT safe, your CHILDREN are NOT safe! Surely, if nothing else, you want to keep them safe!?

TOOBIE1's Photo TOOBIE1 Posts: 8
6/16/10 10:33 A

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Hi All,

I'm not new to SP, but have never really given it my all. I'm not quite ready to do it now either, but feel I am gearing up to do so. I feel overwhelmed by my problems and eat to comfort myself. I also lack discipline so I tire easily of meal planning, tracking, daily exercise, weighing and measuring, etc.

I've been depressed for a long time. I think the biggest source of my depression is my husband. I knew he wasn't for me from the start and tried to break up with him on our second date. However, his persistance wore down my resistance and the rest is history. We are sooo different. I am a professional with an advanced degree. He failed the GED twice and drives a truck. I like to go out. He's a homebody. He believes in roots and spells and seeing the future in dreams. I don't. He's a heavy smoker. I can't stand it. He was a stay at home dad for years, which I resented. I love to read. He won't pick up a book. He take everything personally. People whispering are talking about him. Any perceived slight is because of his nationality. I was born in America. He can't stand it when I disagree with him, which I often do. He's from a different country and after 15 years of marraige we still have many communication difficulties.

On top of this, I believe my husband has delusional disorder - jealous type. I always thought he was jealous, but over the last few years he's gotten out of control with it. He accuses me of having affairs throughout our marraige. I haven't had sex with anyone other than him since we started sleeping together. (I did however, get involved in a pretty steamy online relationship which drifted into the real world - phone, email, etc. but we never met in person. Also, my husband had similar relationships, but maintains his were platonic. He's still involved in that virtual world while I've gone inactive. I do maintain a virtual friendship with my former online partner.). My husband went to my old job to snoop on a former co-worker that had been brought up on sexual harassment charges. I had nothing to do with the matter. However, my husband thought I did and that he was one of my lovers. He's followed me when I've gone out. He saw me talking to a stranger at my doctor's office and just knew that man and I were having an affair. Recently, he visited the man I was involved with before him at his job. I haven't had anything to do with this guy in over 16 years. My husband accuses me of having slept with my former long-term boyfriend (who is gay and a dear frien). He finds "evidence" of my affairs everywhere. If I go into work late, it's because my lover is coming over after my husband leaves for work. If I stay at work late, it's because I'm with my lover. My husband wants me to get a lie detector test. When I relented and agreed to do it, he said it was probably because I figured out how to beat the machine.

On top of this, lately my husband has become or more accurately I have come to recognize that my husband is verbally and physically abusive. He hasn't hit me, but he intimidates me and traps me in our bedroom when he gets into his rages. He calls me names. And the last time he went off, the veins were popping in his neck and face. He was furious. If looks could kill, I would have been a goner. I took the lock off of our bedroom after that. I so want my husband to move out, but I know he won't. I can't afford to, resent having to and am loathe to move all my things. I lived in this building when I met my husband and I have relatives here. I feel he should move. I've been thinking about reporting him to police and getting a restrainng order, but I'm concerned that he would retaliate. Since he admitted following me and he has an explosive temper, I'd rather move away from him. I am hoping to do that by the end of the year.

In addition to the husband, I am the adult child of an alcholic, have a sickly, one-legged mother who's suffering from dementia, two unmotivated, obese kids 10 and 14 for whom I want to be a better example, an unfulfilling dead end job that doesn't pay enough, a small clutterd apartment, debts I can't seem to dig out of and 50 on the horizon.

I'm hoping to have something positive take place in my life by improving my health by changing my lifestyle. In spirt of everything, I still see the glass as half full.

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