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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
6/29/10 3:13 P

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RACHEL If I understand KRIS, I don't think that she is saying that if you change, that won't make him want you.
What I think KRIS is saying is that you need to be yourself, and to learn how to like yourself. Changing for another person never works, because it is trying to be someone that you are not.
If you feel that there are things that you would like to work on to make you happier about yourself, that is a different thing.
I agree that texting him to say no is the best idea.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
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6/28/10 8:15 P

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I would text him and tell him that you appreciate the thought and the invite, but on reflection you don't think it is wise. Be honest and tell him you are just too fragile and mixed up to be able to cope with it at this time!

Kris

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MOTLEY25's Photo MOTLEY25 Posts: 425
6/28/10 7:42 P

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I know, I know, you are right. Even if I change me, I guess that doesn't make him want me. I just feel that most of it was my fault (not all, but most). What do I do if he says he will come over to give me the invite? I do want to see him.

"I am a smart, intelligent, fun, loving, caring, beautiful woman!"


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6/28/10 7:00 P

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Rachel - "I just feel that if I changed my attitude and outlook on life, we would be compatable." You are still not getting it. You still seem to think that if YOU change you can or probably can have him back. Life doesn't work like that! Relationships don't work like that! You are what you are - you cannot MAKE yourself anything else. You CAN work on learning to accept the status quo, you can work on your emotions as in how to let go, how to get through pain, how to accept yourself, how to D-Stress and even how to cook. But that still doesn't mean that if you did that that you two would be a good mix again. I strongly suggest that you NOT go to the wedding with him. I know that you want to, but you are too fragile in your emotions, and strongly suspect that you will see it as you are being given "another chance" with the relationship.

Kris

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 6/28/2010 (19:00)
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MOTLEY25's Photo MOTLEY25 Posts: 425
6/28/10 5:08 P

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I'll think about the wedding. Part of me REALLY wants to go just to be with him and to show him how much of a changed person I am. But I also wouldn't be surprised if he has a girlfriend by then and doesn't want me to go. I don't know why he wants to go to this wedding with me. Maybe he just said I was still invited so I wouldn't feel hurt. He wants to bring over that piece of mail to me. I am sure I will cry when I see him.

I just feel that if I changed my attitude and outlook on life, we would be compatable.

"I am a smart, intelligent, fun, loving, caring, beautiful woman!"


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
6/28/10 4:39 P

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Hon, please do not go to that wedding with him! I know that you are going to want to do it, but even if Jon can handle it, you can't right now.
He may just not want to go to the wedding alone, pure and simple. You don't want to be with him under those circumsatances, because you will be hurt again.

I think on the other hand that all of us agree with that last bit that Jon said. "It was not all your fault and there was nothing you could do to fix it." Bingo!
Keep reminding yourself of that!
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
MOTLEY25's Photo MOTLEY25 Posts: 425
6/28/10 3:41 P

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I don't know, I talked to him a bit today and he finally admitted that the relationship was not all my fault. Then he told me he got some of my mail today. It's the wedding invitation for his friend's wedding in Sept. He told me I am still invited to that and can go with him if I want to and that he wants to go with me. Huh? Does that make any sense? I feel a little better today now that he is telling me it was not all my fault and there was nothing I could do to fix it. Still hurts like crazy though.

"I am a smart, intelligent, fun, loving, caring, beautiful woman!"


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CD1817172 Posts: 2,453
6/28/10 1:07 P

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YOU DIDN'T MESS UP THE RELATIONSHIP.

You just weren't a good match!

Girl, I just want to shake you right now to make you understand :P

Why, please, tell me why, can you not accept this is a no fault thing? You just weren't a good match for each other!

MOTLEY25's Photo MOTLEY25 Posts: 425
6/28/10 1:01 P

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My therapist on Saturday said that I did not live up to his expectations. I am going to meet with a life coach in an hour to see if she can help me with my self-esteem and become more positive.

I really want to call him to watch a movie or something. I know that is stupid, I but I miss him.

Mary, I get what you are saying and it makes me feel horrible. Jon was a really wonderful guy and it kills me that I messed up the relationship. He stood by me through so much and I feel I wasn't good enough for him.

"I am a smart, intelligent, fun, loving, caring, beautiful woman!"


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6/28/10 10:47 A

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well everyone forgets all thehoohah that wwent on this past year and all the negativity in rachels life and most of that seems to come from that..jon was a fine person and encouraged her and stood by her for a full year while she finished schooland that makes him a good to excellent person..i don't even feel he lied really but was trying to convince himself that things would indeed get better and they did not alas and here we are..as for cooking a pizza thrown in the oven on occasion is cooking toast is cooking anyone can do toast (although lately i am having a hard time not burning mine maybe i need a new toaster) Rachel..you KNOW already what you have to do..get up and get with it my girl you are a dentist now and have proof you are get up in the morning and SMILE AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND REPEAT AFTER ME I AM AN EXCELLENT PERSON AND THIS IS MY DAY TO SHINE.. do it everytime you feel down because that is a way to build your self esteem what is past doesn't matter any more it's past and you can't go back nor should you even want to..go forward and smile at yourself and know that you are a good person..this is free this looking in the mmirror and smiling at you and giving yourself pep talks..don't expect to be over things soon but don't spend every waking minute thinking about how you can change that you can't only yourself (by the way it took me 12 years to get over my exhusband and still to this day i can't figure it out but you know the thoughts are fleeting and yes i still love him but i wouldn't have that mess around me for no amount of time lol) and it's been 33 years now not going back and i can talk to him but he barely recognizes me as i am not the same introverted child that i once was I AM A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH TODAY AND HE KNOWS IT AND WANTS IT AND IT ISN'T AVAILABLE
smile at yourself pick you up and go out and make your day wonderful inside and out
the lady mary

TODAY IS LIFE THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

there is no cause when there is no effect km

i can do that, but not on a tuesday
for that is my day of thrust in the opposite direction -
off the starboard bow
over the hurdles,
and down the shute.

last is just the slowest winner. c.hunter boyd

people often say that motivation doesn't last. well neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. zig ziglar

if i stitch fast enough do


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CD1817172 Posts: 2,453
6/28/10 10:22 A

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He's not a douche bag and he didn't make a mistake.

Let me ask you something. Why do you have such a hard time accepting that the two of you were simply not a good match? You can't be what he needs, and that makes him not what you need. Why is that NOT OKAY?

Other people can simply be not good matches, right? So why can't you and he?

What did your therapist say on Saturday?

What are you doing to move past this? Because from my perspective, you're just sitting around, obsessing. What constructive things are you doing?

MOTLEY25's Photo MOTLEY25 Posts: 425
6/28/10 10:13 A

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I need to start seeing that this was unhealthy and why can't I believe he was a douche bag? We really haven't talked even though I am dying to call or text him. He said it wasn't just the cooking things that bothered him but he would say it would be nice if I cooked him something and I never really did, I don't even cook for myself. I just want him to realize he made a giant mistake.

"I am a smart, intelligent, fun, loving, caring, beautiful woman!"


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CD5635700 Posts: 2,598
6/28/10 2:40 A

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This was a very unhealthy relationship. Nothing you could do would make it better. It isn't about the cooking and the negativity. He was making excuses to to make up for his short comings. Maybe he just wasn't feeling it. I don't know, but I want you to know that it is NOT your fault. It's never your fault that someone leaves you. If he accuses you of not cooking, tell him he's a grown man and should cook crap for himself. You were not his mother. This guy sounds like a complete douche bag. You deserve WAYYY better than that!

WINDY135's Photo WINDY135 Posts: 474
6/27/10 10:18 P

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What you are feeling and your thoughts are natural. You are going through a grieving process. Be easier on yourself. I had a really bad break up that left me in pieces for years. Sadly the only thing that can help you is time. What helped me was seeing a therapist. Be easy on yourself and realize you are going through a very hard thing.

This book is really helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-
Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439/ref=sr_
1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276089911&sr=1-1



Edited by: WINDY135 at: 6/27/2010 (22:19)
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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6/27/10 10:05 P

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Rachel - "What if..." well, we can add to your "what if's" - What if pigs could fly. Well, girl, they can't. You relationship or lack of it has nothing to do with the fact that you didn't cook those meals more in March, or pat his back in February. It is all to do with the fact that you two together weren't a proper match. You don't see that because you felt you were! The fact is, you BOTH have to feel it for it to work, and he didn't, so it was never going to work! You relationship is over. If you really care to remove yourself from the emotional aspect and look back over your posts in an objective way, you will see that you never really had a proper "joint-emotional" relationship. It was based on you "needing" him. "Need" is quite different to "Love". You have shown confusion, anger, betrayal, bargaining.... they are all stages of grief. You will bounce from one to another and back again maybe quickly, maybe slowly, but over time the emotions will dull. You WILL get through this. In the meantime, talk with your therapist and involve yourself with other things to distract yourself. There are many things that you can do to do that, but you need to open your eyes and take an honest look around.

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SYLPHINPROGRESS's Photo SYLPHINPROGRESS SparkPoints: (108,158)
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6/27/10 8:47 P

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Whoa, Rachel. What's wrong with this picture?

You're no good, you can't do anything right, etc., etc., etc. Blame yourself for not cooking enough. Change what? Ah, yes, into someone not yourself or merely wooden caricature of yourself. Great plan.

You didn't take on the role and personality of a character in a script written by someone else. That's the good news in all of this. Caricatures are inherently unable to sustain relationships, worthwhile or otherwise, and certainly not relationships that can be satisfying to the person cowering behind the Stepford wife mask.

Punish yourself all you like, but all you're getting for it is a stomach ache. Your only "crime" was being yourself. Sometimes another person is attracted to a personality other than ours. Too bad, but not terminal.

In your previous topic, Pam made what seems a wonderfully astute observation. She read between the lines that neither you were also not happy in the relationship. If you spent a fraction of the time fretting about being what he wanted you to be as you have on the board, you can't possibly have been happy. Forcing ourselves into a mold is not the stuff of a good connection.

You wrote below that you're sure you can make the relationship work. That's incorrect. He prefers to move on, so there's nothing to make work. You can't keep your head in the sand and you can't forced a person into a situation they are unwilling to walk into on his own two feet.

You had the smarts to be accepted to dental school and to earn the degree and the license. You've had job offers. If I knew more about you, I'd be able to add to the list. It's obvious that people think you have value. Recognize it in yourself. Work with your therapist to discover who you are. It may be that you have no image of your "self," and that won't work for you. Uncover the cohesive individual in there.

Laurie

LAURIE, NYC

Tra-la-la.


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MOTLEY25's Photo MOTLEY25 Posts: 425
6/27/10 7:07 P

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Mary,
I know you are just being honest but it still hurts to hear. I am constantly wondering if I changed my attitude and cooked for him more in March if we would still be together. But in a way I feel like he had his mind made up in March already.

"I am a smart, intelligent, fun, loving, caring, beautiful woman!"


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LAURIEBLT's Photo LAURIEBLT Posts: 2,280
6/27/10 2:41 P

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He doesn't want you, hun, plain and simple. Please don't waste one more night thinking about him!! Him leaving just means that the really perfect guy is still out there searching for you!

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RELLARALF's Photo RELLARALF Posts: 804
6/27/10 2:25 P

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emoticon SP has brought me back to journaling again. When I can't sleep I journal and it releases a lot of tension for me; puts things in perspective.

Edited by: RELLARALF at: 6/27/2010 (14:26)
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6/27/10 1:19 P

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he did talk to you about it several times and you couldn't do it or you didn't listen my dear..if you go back over your posts you can see where you wrote about those things you maybe do need to journal so you see the things in writing that you talk about not just in your mind the lady mary

TODAY IS LIFE THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

there is no cause when there is no effect km

i can do that, but not on a tuesday
for that is my day of thrust in the opposite direction -
off the starboard bow
over the hurdles,
and down the shute.

last is just the slowest winner. c.hunter boyd

people often say that motivation doesn't last. well neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. zig ziglar

if i stitch fast enough do


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MOTLEY25's Photo MOTLEY25 Posts: 425
6/27/10 1:12 P

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I can't seem to see how this relationship was unhealthy. I am trying to think of all the bad things but cannot, I guess because I am still so in love with him. I just feel that there is a way we can make it work and he won't give me that chance.

"I am a smart, intelligent, fun, loving, caring, beautiful woman!"


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LAURIEBLT's Photo LAURIEBLT Posts: 2,280
6/27/10 12:15 P

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Another tact I use when I find myself obsessing about things in the middle of the night is forcing my thoughts to somewhere else. I choose something (for me either the Lord's Prayer, the 23rd Psalm, or a beach scene) to focus on or recite--almost like a forced meditation. Everytime my thoughts wander, I purposefully bring them back, "no, I see the water and the waves, I breathe in, I breathe out, I can feel the breeze....." For me, not only does it discipline me to stay away from obsessing, it lulls me to sleep.
((hugs))

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RIPPEDPAUL1's Photo RIPPEDPAUL1 SparkPoints: (198,695)
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6/27/10 11:22 A

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try journaling it when it's on your mind on one side of a notebook, Later on the opposite page reflect on the writing with the focus as if you were a friend of the person writing it. You may find that you can acknowledge the issues and start to put them to rest. It sounds like both for your ex and you, this wasn't a good relationship but sometimes it seems at first to have any relationship rather than none. But this keeps us from the relationship that can be good for us. Try reflecting what you miss and what you don't. What are you looking for? Hang on in there emoticon

4 Noble Truths

1. Suffering is a part of life
2. Suffering is caused by our attachments and avoidances.
3. Suffering can be ended.
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by following the Eightfold path.

Bigotry disguised as morality is still bigotry just as an outhouse with
marble columns is still an outhouse.
--D. A. Ridgely

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MOTLEY25's Photo MOTLEY25 Posts: 425
6/27/10 10:49 A

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Every time I try to lay down and sleep, I literally just lay there thinking about my breakup. I don't think I slept at all last night, just laid there for hours. All these thoughts keep running through my head of wanting him back, him taking me back, what did I do wrong?, what could I have done better?, why did he pretend to be happy with me? I can't stop it! I woke up feeling so sick.

My sister was here this weekend and just yelled at me to get over him, he was never coming back, and that I am doing nothing but torturing myself. I understand all that, but how am I suppose to stop thinking about him? He made me feel like crap in the fact that I couldn't make him happy and he blamed me for everything (being negative, etc).

I want to move on, believe me I do but I cannot stop all the racing thoughts!

"I am a smart, intelligent, fun, loving, caring, beautiful woman!"


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