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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
5/2/12 2:35 P

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It's been awhile since I posted a joke here! Well here goes!



A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that"!




�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
9/11/11 1:13 P

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love them both DOLL your to funny.. emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
9/7/11 3:29 P

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In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she
should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good
for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green
thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did
not care enough to save our environment."

He was right ... our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to
the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and
over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't
climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two
blocks.

But he was right... We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry
the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or
sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But he was right... we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief,
not a screen the size of the state of Montana .

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded
up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised
by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on
treadmills that operate on electricity.

But he was right... we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup
or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the
whole razor just because the blade got dull.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their
bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets
to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget
to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in
order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old
folks were because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.



�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
8/31/11 10:15 A

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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the $hit, and disappear for the rest of the day."


�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
8/25/11 11:19 A

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love them and they are so true emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
8/24/11 10:20 A

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SOME FEMALE BUMPER STICKERS

Behind every successful woman is herself.

Oh my god, I think I'm becoming the man I wanted to marry!

A woman is like a tea bag you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

So many men, so few who can afford me.

Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Warning:
I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me. You will not win.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away ?

Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

emoticon

�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
6/29/11 2:58 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon your funny love you Doll

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
6/29/11 1:04 P

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HEY - WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER!!!

I should have figured it out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower.
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label it reads, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME
AND BODY."

I have gotten rid of the shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish detergent.


Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."


Problem solved!


Geeze! It sure pays to read the label!


�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
6/22/11 12:11 P

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when i first read it i darn near died i laughed so hard..

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
6/21/11 5:53 P

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OMG Amy!!this hysterical! emoticon emoticon

�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
6/21/11 3:50 P

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I got this on email today and I'm sure it's being passed around and around. I do not know who wrote it origionally. Here's a funny for you today!



"MESSAGE
You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those plastic surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and Me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted',
Look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX - This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on.


P.P.S. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes!

How do they do that???? "

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Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
6/18/11 3:03 P

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I am so sorry to hear that doll. If u want a shoulde u can email me or sparkmail . I'll always be here for u sweetie emoticon

�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
6/18/11 2:07 P

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okay i won't do that a gain a lot of stuff going on with huby right now.. and it is not good stuff
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Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
6/17/11 4:49 P

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You are loved my beautiful Spark sister and do not go MIA on us again. At least give us a warning when we won't be on so long cause we worry about you sweetie! emoticon emoticon

TGIF and hope you have a great weekend!

�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
6/17/11 3:18 P

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ROFL THAT WAS SOOOOO FUNNY I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU ALL SO MUCH YOUR THE BEST GONE A FEW DAYS AND YOUR LOOKING FOR ME, !!!! THANKS SO MUCH YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO LOVED.. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
6/15/11 11:08 A

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Good one Amy! emoticon


CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"














�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
6/12/11 1:26 P

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Dont Quit!

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst, that
You Must Not Quit.

- C. W. Longenecker


Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
5/26/11 12:35 P

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your so sweet hugs and love to you to Doll

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
5/25/11 2:16 P

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I do love you tons doll! emoticon

�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
5/25/11 12:52 P

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YOU CAN SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME LOL
HUGS TO YOU MY SWEET SPARK SISTER

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
5/25/11 12:16 P

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You are not at all mean doll. You just won't stand for any BS from anyone! That is a good thing!

�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
5/25/11 12:10 P

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oh that was so good but were is my pillow say that again buddy show you bad luck but then i am mean just ask my kids.. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
5/25/11 12:02 P

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."



�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



GOATGIRLJM's Photo GOATGIRLJM SparkPoints: (0)
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5/21/11 11:26 P

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Yep my dog is in charge. And we do not use the word DOG it is little people or little friends.

I Corinthians 13..."...Love is patient,love is kind.It does not envy,it does not boast,it is not proud. It is not rude,it is not self-seeking,it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evilbut rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,a/ways hopes, always preserveres.
Love never fails..."
And now these three remain faith,hope, and love. but the greatest of these is love"


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AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
5/21/11 1:02 P

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ROFL LOVE THEM ALL I CAN ANSWER YES TO MOST EVERY ONE OF THEM.. THAT IS TELLING.. I KNOW.. I LOVE MY BABIES emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
5/20/11 9:59 A

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Does Your Dog Own You?



See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.

You believe every dog is a lap dog.

If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).

You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

You let the neighbor's dog sleep over.

You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.



Dog Property Laws



If I like it, it's mine.

If it's in my mouth, it's mine.

If I can take it from you, it's mine.

If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

If it just looks like mine, it's mine.

If I saw it first, it's mine.

If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

If it's broken, it's yours.



�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
5/17/11 11:52 A

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i choked on my coffee ROFL emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
5/16/11 2:05 P

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THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school


So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
Will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor.


He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
In the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
Because they pour the water on you."

"We're not Babtis,
Because they dunk all of you in the water."


"We're not Methdiss,
Because they just sprinkle water on you."


The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'


"I think it means we're Pisskopailians!"


�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
4/12/11 4:25 P

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trying to teach a child to read is a hard one also.. spelling is another hardly anything is spelt like it sounds and it is hard to teach..Or to learn..

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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CD5551790 Posts: 14,117
4/12/11 3:49 P

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So True!!!

MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
4/12/11 1:45 P

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Why it's so hard to learn English

Here is more evidence that the English language is hard to learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. At the army base a bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22. You park in a driveway, yet drive on a parkway

23. NOTE: Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

24. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

25. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

26. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

27. Why is it called "after dark" when it's really "after light"?

28. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

29. Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

30. How come abbreviated is such a long word?





�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
4/12/11 1:45 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Francie that story was priceless!


�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
3/27/11 3:20 P

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ROFL THAT WAS GRERAT THANKS emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN's Photo 2BEHEALTHYAGAIN SparkPoints: (35)
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3/26/11 10:46 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


Those were all good ones! Especially the yeast roll one! I had to laugh out loud at that. I know how bad Cocoa's burps are sometimes!

Yes, Jeanne, I DO have a couple numbers in my cell phone so I know it's someone I DON'T want to talk to!!

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Edited by: 2BEHEALTHYAGAIN at: 3/26/2011 (22:47)
~~Brenda~~
New SP Name: GetHealthy2Live

"Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up."~~Unknown

"I may not be there yet but I'm closer than I was yesterday!"~~Unknown


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CD5551790 Posts: 14,117
3/26/11 3:49 P

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Here's a good one!!!

ATTENTION.. Please join me in Remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough boy was survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosie Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. The Funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
3/21/11 10:08 A

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ROFL THAT WAS GREAT !!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon FRANCIE I COULD SEE THAT HAPPENING THANKS SO MUCH
HUGS
AMY

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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CD5551790 Posts: 14,117
3/20/11 9:20 P

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This is a long one but is so funny, I just had to share!!!

Unbaked Yeast Rolls

Those of you who have animals will probably appreciate this the most. It is a
story that is hilarious in itself and the person who wrote it is a good writer
and made the story even better. Enjoy... \

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of
2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are unfamiliar
with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old child about whom
you know nothing and committing to doing your best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep on
the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can get
without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Lest you think this is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that
Perry and I tried every means to break him of this habit, including locking him
in a separate bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I
digress.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the cost of the project
is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out of cooking
Thanksgiving for family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like more
than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for
the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still cursing the electrician for getting the new oven hooked up so
quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole darn house that worked, thus
the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wed evening to reheat Thurs am. Since
the kitchen was freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the
rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams #586, I put the rolls on baking sheets and
set them in the living room to rise for a few hours. Perry and I decided to go
out to eat, returning in about an hour. The rolls were ready to go in the
oven.

It was 8:30 PM. When I went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to
my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my
worst nightmare became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked
like a combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped
up in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious
laughter, he told me the dog would probably be okay; however, I needed to give
him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only knows why I
thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids did when they were
sick. Suffice it to say that by the time we went to bed the dog was black,
white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed for the
night.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, put the dog out to relieve
himself. Well, the dog was as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was
running into walls, falling flat on his butt and most of the time when he was
walking, his front half was going one direction and the other half was either
dragging the grass or headed 90 degrees in another direction.

He couldn't lift his leg to pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same
time. When he ran down the small incline in our back yard he couldn't stop
himself and nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I endured another few
seconds of laughter from the vet (second call within 12 hours) before he
explained that the yeast had fermented in his belly and that he was indeed
drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go through, it would wear
off after about 4 or 5 hours, and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and took
him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute drive). Rolls
firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back
seat onto the console of the car between Perry and I, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but believe me when I say
that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These
burps were pure Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a
drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst of it.

Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled like baked rolls. God strike me
dead if I am not telling the truth! We endured this for the entire trip to
Karen's, thankful she didn't live any further away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the door locked, we
finally sat down to enjoy our first Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was
the topic of conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the
garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest
endeavor to walk without running into something. Of course, as the old adage
goes, 'what goes in must come out' and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you
might as well have put a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's
digestive system is quite different from yours or mine. I discovered this was
a mixed blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house. Having discovered
his 'packages' on the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could
hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of water from the hose
hit the poop on the floor and the poop on the floor withstood the blast from
the hose. It was like Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no one else was
going to offer their services) had to get on my hands and knees with a coarse
brush to get the remnants off of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading
enough, the darn dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and left
paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely so we took him home and
dropped him off before we left for our second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's
sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal both
in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor. None
the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this
evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but decided
hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on
the computer as to: 'How to clean unbaked dough from the carpet.'

And how was your day?

AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
3/20/11 12:06 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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CD5551790 Posts: 14,117
3/17/11 7:26 P

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ROFL!!!! emoticon

MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
3/17/11 2:42 P

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A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and Stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'


�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
3/17/11 2:38 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



CD5551790 Posts: 14,117
3/16/11 6:36 P

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Love 'em, Jeanne!!!! Especially last 2!!!!

AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
3/16/11 4:09 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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JEANNE229's Photo JEANNE229 Posts: 14,115
3/16/11 12:44 P

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The mom posts were so fun!

Here are a few more "adult truths":

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that youjust aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all please agree to ignore whatever comes after BluRay? I don't want to have to restart my collection yet AGAIN.

I am always slighting terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save changes to my ten-page report that I SWEAR I did not change!

I keep some people's phone numbers in my cell phone jsut so I know not to answer when they call.

My name is Jeanne (pronounced Jean ee); I live in eastern Washington State.


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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN's Photo 2BEHEALTHYAGAIN SparkPoints: (35)
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3/16/11 12:15 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

~~Brenda~~
New SP Name: GetHealthy2Live

"Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up."~~Unknown

"I may not be there yet but I'm closer than I was yesterday!"~~Unknown


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
3/15/11 8:27 P

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emoticon emoticon Thise were great Francie!

�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
3/15/11 3:43 P

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ROFL THERE GREAT THANKS

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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CD5551790 Posts: 14,117
3/15/11 2:58 P

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WHY GOD MADE MOMS-PART 3
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them..
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers do not do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she is already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I would diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter.. Then she would know it was my sister who did
it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
her head.



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
3/15/11 1:07 P

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there all great thanks ROFL !!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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CD5551790 Posts: 14,117
3/15/11 12:53 P

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Why God Made Moms- part 2
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Edited by: CD5551790 at: 3/15/2011 (12:55)
JEANNE229's Photo JEANNE229 Posts: 14,115
3/15/11 10:59 A

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Francie, that is a wonderful post! I especially loved the "angel hair...and one dab of mean".

The post is one to keep!

My name is Jeanne (pronounced Jean ee); I live in eastern Washington State.


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CD5551790 Posts: 14,117
3/14/11 7:56 P

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WHY GOD MADE MOMS-PART 1
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.


CD5551790 Posts: 14,117
3/14/11 3:34 P

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love the map quest and obit ones!

JEANNE229's Photo JEANNE229 Posts: 14,115
3/14/11 2:23 P

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Here are a few more of those "adult truths" (there are 25 total).

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my driveway and my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Edited by: JEANNE229 at: 3/14/2011 (14:24)
My name is Jeanne (pronounced Jean ee); I live in eastern Washington State.


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2BEHEALTHYAGAIN's Photo 2BEHEALTHYAGAIN SparkPoints: (35)
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Good ones Jeanne! The fitted sheet wins over my husband every time! He ends up just kind of rolling it up!

~~Brenda~~
New SP Name: GetHealthy2Live

"Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up."~~Unknown

"I may not be there yet but I'm closer than I was yesterday!"~~Unknown


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MICHELAR's Photo MICHELAR Posts: 22,789
3/11/11 2:34 P

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Good ones Jeanne!

�Energy and persistence conquer all things.�

We cannot discover new oceans unless we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. (Anonymous)

From wine what sudden friendship springs! (John Gay 1685- 1732)



AMYLOVESTZU's Photo AMYLOVESTZU Posts: 11,429
3/11/11 1:26 P

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JEANNE LOVE YOU NEW PICTURE
AND emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Some cause happiness WHEREver they go; some WHENever they go...Oscar Wilde


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JEANNE229's Photo JEANNE229 Posts: 14,115
3/11/11 11:12 A

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More adult truths:

There is a GREAT need for a sarcasm font.

How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

My name is Jeanne (pronounced Jean ee); I live in eastern Washington State.


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