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CSRICHMOND's Photo CSRICHMOND Posts: 554
7/24/15 6:25 A

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I've discovered the answer for my binge eating....my binge eating is learned habit put in place after marriage to my ex verbally abusive husband...a habit carried over into a wonderful new 20 year marriage to manage stress and a reaction to emotions. Discovering that my binge eating is only a learned coping habit was an epic event for me. The discovery is leading me down the road to recovery and leaving my binge eating habit behind in the dirt.


Sandra in Virginia
**********************
"Remember it all started with a mouse" Walt Disney
"The past is a guidepost not a hitching post" L. Thomas Holdcroft
"Two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet" Erma Bombeck
"TOWANDA!!!" Evelyn Couch ( Fried Green Tomatoes)
"Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it" Charles Swindoll



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7/24/15 1:42 A

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My binge eating started when my first boyfriend put me on a diet that was practically anorexic. Every time he saw me eating something, be it a low calorie food or not, he commented: "ah, stuffing your face again?" He even restricted my water intake and it's a miracle I survived. It taught me to eat secretly (and purge afterward). Still, after all these years and many boyfriends and therapists later, I find it hard to eat in public... one of my goals is having an icecream at a terrace without wanting to hide myself.

Edited by: CD15586645 at: 7/24/2015 (01:45)
PRETTYKITTYABC SparkPoints: (1,712)
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5/30/15 11:58 P

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My binge eating started in 2008. I was raped by an in-home caregiver after I was released from a nursing home that I recovered from major surgery at (I had my large intestine removed and had 2 life threatening complications). He was only supposed to help for 2 weeks while my mom was still taking CNA classes to be qualified to be my caregiver. The first day was no big deal, but after that, it was pure hell. Even though I couldn't feel anything due to a spinal cord injury I sustained as a complication of surgery, it was very traumatic (especially when I was extremely swollen down there and got a pressure sore due to being forced to stay in one spot for too long when that caregiver was there). When he finally was done with the 2 weeks, he basically said that if I told anyone, no one would believe me because he would tell them that I put the moves on him and that I flirted with him a lot in the nursing home (both were lies). I never told anyone about the rape for a year, due to fear. I didn't even tell my own mother until 2 years later. Unfortunately, despite adult protective services getting involved, this man was never charged with anything and the local cops acted like I was lying to them.
Despite acting happy on the outside, I was being tortured inside. I assumed that the reason I got raped was because I had lost a lot of weight after my surgery and was attractive to men. After being raped, I started binge eating to force me to gain weight. In my mind, I thought that if I was fat and ugly, then I would never have that happen ever again. I also developed a fear of men.
I gained over 94 pounds since 2009, due to fear and PTSD from the rape. I will do well for quite a while, but as soon as I lose a lot of weight at once, that little part of my brain freaks out and I binge eat for 2-3 days straight. This affects my digestive system a lot, especially since I have muscle and nerve damage to my digestive system from my birth defect and Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome (which is where you produce way too much stomach acid due to a certain type of non-cancerous tumor, though my tumor is extremely tiny). After the binge, I am sick for days and have no choice but to use enteral formula through my feeding tube (which is usually used just for medicine and extra fluids at night).

Recently, I found out that I lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks following a high protein diet I(I now weigh 261), and though I was very happy and excited at the weight loss, since it meant that I was down enough to have my bladder removal surgery I have been needing, that little part of my brain started freaking out and thought that I was becoming attractive to men again. I wound up binge eating all last weekend.
Finally, a friend of mine helped me through it and each time I have felt this way lately, I have been wheeling outside of town to relax and I have been reading lots of stories out of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books, which has helped.

Jessie

Edited by: PRETTYKITTYABC at: 5/31/2015 (00:03)
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6/20/13 3:32 P

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Same here we also had a large garden and raised our own animals, I would never complain about what was served we didnt have snacks unless we baked something. I learned to bake when I was 12 and even learned to make my own chocolate milk syrup to cover the discusting taste of whole cow milk.....anyway off topic! I was never IN control of what I ate, was never given a choice, so like you when I moved out on my own to the city I was overwhelmed by the choices I still remember going to the grocery store and what I bought cookies and pudding and ate them til I was sick! I was pregnant and didnt know and gained 60lbs during that pregnancy and went into ppd i felt like I couldnt control myself and nobody really liked me. Im 32 soon and am generally a very happy person and proud of how my life has turned out just this binge eating is making me so frustrated, i am so happy I found this web site! Taking it one day at a time:)
You are lucky to have the support of your mother, how are you overcoming this?
Sarah

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6/18/13 10:27 A

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mine began when i started grad school. i was on my own for the first time ever (at 22) and i decided i needed to lose weight to become more attractive. so i began bingeing and then purging, and then restricting and then purging. now i rarely purge but do restrict every now and then, only to be followed by binges. i've been in treatment for god knows how long, and to an extent it helps, but i don't know anyone else going through what i am...so glad to have found everyone here!

CARSINGER86 Posts: 124
6/12/13 5:37 P

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My binge issues began when I was able to start being at home by myself, around the age of 12 or 13. I saw it as a time where I could do whatever I wanted without someone seeing what I was doing or having control over me. I would try and eat as many cookies, pieces of candy, chips, whatever I could get my hands on, without making it look like a lot was missing. I would hide wrappers in bags, throw them in other garbage hands in my house. But as we all know, bingeing isn't really a way to control, it's a lack of. When I got into college and dealing with being stressed out with school, I would binge then. And when I started dating and dealing with guys (I was a bit of a late bloomer) every negative thing that happened, I would punish myself with food and bingeing. I am trying to overcome it now, but I have slipups, like I did yesterday when I was mad at myself for not eating properly and losing weight.

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5/26/13 8:59 P

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Mine started because food was simply always there. My family wasn't always there and my friends weren't always there, but food was. To this day I have a hard time not relying on food when things get tough, stressed, bored or even when things are going great.

Never mistake failure as final

Deciding what you want your life to be like is not hard. Deciding what you are willing to do and give up to get it, is the hard part.

I will do what I need to do in order to do what I want to do.

What you do and say is a reflection of who you are, so decide who you want to be and do it.

Rebecka


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5/20/13 7:34 P

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Mine started as a child, being anxious at parties and just stuffing my face. Sneaking cookies when I wanted extra dessert or was grounded from treats. Binging got really bad when I was recovering from anorexia. I had to meet gain-weight goals set by my doctor and I was sooooo not ready to do it alone. I'd binge the few days before weigh-ins so that I'd "make weight" and they wouldn't pull me out of college. After I got to the "ok weight" I just couldn't stop binging. Stayed around that weight for two years (one relapse) and then lost control, gaining 40 lbs in a couple months. Lost 20, but still binging a lot. Now its a weekly thing and my weight fluctuates 15 lbs each year. It all centers on "being pretty enough" and such. Which is dumb b/c my boyfriend is amazing and met me when I was at goal weight, stuck with me through the 40 lbs gain, and all the moody post-binge nights. But I'm still dealing with the ED in my mind.

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4/26/13 6:51 A

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Sorry, I've been MIA AGAIN - sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to truly get back on track.

Never mistake failure as final

Deciding what you want your life to be like is not hard. Deciding what you are willing to do and give up to get it, is the hard part.

I will do what I need to do in order to do what I want to do.

What you do and say is a reflection of who you are, so decide who you want to be and do it.

Rebecka


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MKATE88's Photo MKATE88 Posts: 1,174
4/25/13 1:10 P

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Binge eating, for me, started in college. My mom cooked very healthful foods, most of which came from her large garden. When I got to school and went to the store for the first time, I couldn't believe what there was to choose from! A whole aisle dedicated to ice cream, another aisle for cookies and chips, and then the bakery in the front! It was too much! I ate what I wanted and when I wanted. I am working hard to overcome it, and I am thankful to my mom for showing how to do it.

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4/12/13 12:28 A

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OOLALA53's Photo OOLALA53 Posts: 15,604
4/10/13 9:38 A

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I just want to say that no matter what started our issues, we can either end them or manage them reasonably. It is absolutely possible to separate food and emotions. We don't have to wait until we have all emotional issues solved to break the bond with food.

Seven years of maintaining a 20% weightloss and counting.
*To seek happiness, identifying the Self with the body, is like trying to cross a river on the back of a crocodile." Ramana Maharshi
*The No S Diet saved me from my emotional eating defeats.
8 years and counting! nosdiet.com/
*Get to the next meal hungry!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=1323


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4/10/13 12:16 A

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I believe my ED started when I was a child I had an unstable home life and my self worth/self esteem were both almost non-existent for me. I have worked hard but know I have much more to work through and more healing ahead of me. I continue to show myself respect, patience, understanding, and love. I find this has helped me along in my journey. Get all the tools, resources, and support. Keep working step by step day by day. Celebrate each success. emoticon

CD10134359 Posts: 95
3/29/13 12:42 P

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You ever have a feeling and you speak your mind not realizing someone could take it another way. I don't blame my parents for the way I am. I am an adult now and resposible for my own actions. But I wish they had been more strict. I have realized that my parents are human and all they wanted was for me to be happy. I just have to figure out the rest of the story. Bye 4 now.

ZOLETTE1's Photo ZOLETTE1 Posts: 274
3/28/13 9:05 P

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I was born to the clean your plate club. There was definitely pressure to eat! My father use to announce he would rather pay grocery bills than Dr. bills. Mom did cook healthy, dad always added to the menu. My father's joy was feeding us! Preacher's kids eat at every function. I was almost 50 when I realized I didn't need to eat to be social and that it was ok to turn down a piece of someone's homemade cake or fudge. My issues got worse after the birth of my second daughter...I didn't return to pre-pregnancy size like I did with the first born. That was the launching of the issue...I gained so much weight with pre-enclampsia...but my bad eating habits kept the weight on. The awareness of my opinion being my most important opinion because I look at myself more than everyone else...really hit me, treat yourself like you would treat a friend with the same issue. We all take a step backward sometimes but just keep getting up and going forward. You really can do this. You will make some amazing discoveries about yourself along the way!

Aspire to inspire before you expire.


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ZOLETTE1's Photo ZOLETTE1 Posts: 274
3/28/13 9:05 P

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I was born to the clean your plate club. There was definitely pressure to eat! My father use to announce he would rather pay grocery bills than Dr. bills. Mom did cook healthy, dad always added to the menu. My father's joy was feeding us! Preacher's kids eat at every function. I was almost 50 when I realized I didn't need to eat to be social and that it was ok to turn down a piece of someone's homemade cake or fudge. My issues got worse after the birth of my second daughter...I didn't return to pre-pregnancy size like I did with the first born. That was the launching of the issue...I gained so much weight with pre-enclampsia...but my bad eating habits kept the weight on. The awareness of my opinion being my most important opinion because I look at myself more than everyone else...really hit me, treat yourself like you would treat a friend with the same issue. We all take a step backward sometimes but just keep getting up and going forward. You really can do this. You will make some amazing discoveries about yourself along the way!

Aspire to inspire before you expire.


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OOLALA53's Photo OOLALA53 Posts: 15,604
3/25/13 2:43 P

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Isaywhipit, if it makes you feel any better, there are many obese people who feel they rebelled against their parents' attempts to control their eating and ended up compulsively eating and overeating. Research shows this, too. Also, overeating can start for one reason and go on for countless others.

I don't remember any pressures to eat or not eat before I started overeating. I just used to like to go to church early and then stay home and bake muffins for the rest of the family. But partly I did it because I liked to eat the batter. Then when the muffins were baked, I felt I had to eat some baked ones so no one would know I had eaten the batter. That was the beginning of a lot of hiding eating and getting really full. I honestly am not sure what my mother could have done differently, or how she would have known what to do. I don't remember feeling pressure either to eat or not eat until I was older and already overeating. It wasn't a lot, but it doesn't take much to take it personally! It was so common to have so many refined foods around that were likely to make us want to eat more and more. But my parents didn't. My mom did try to guide us but wasn't really mean or punitive about it. And my brother and I were pretty good at circumventing her efforts. My brother 50 years later still eats a lot of sweets almost compulsively, but he has never been overweight.

Seven years of maintaining a 20% weightloss and counting.
*To seek happiness, identifying the Self with the body, is like trying to cross a river on the back of a crocodile." Ramana Maharshi
*The No S Diet saved me from my emotional eating defeats.
8 years and counting! nosdiet.com/
*Get to the next meal hungry!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=1323


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CD10134359 Posts: 95
3/21/13 6:28 P

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I have been a compulsive overeater since I was able feed myself. Never controlled by a parent. Always been able to do whatever I wanted. Now I have no control and no respect for myself. Just depression, low self esteem, and inablility to deal with life. Why Why Why am I like this? Why Why Why can't I change? Welcome to loserville.

Sorry for all the negativity but I just cleaned out the snack drawer and it didn't go into the garbage. Feeling pretty bad about myself right now.

Edited by: CD10134359 at: 3/21/2013 (18:29)
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3/19/13 5:13 A

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My binge issues started when I was in my early 20's and started dieting. My "sweets-binge" issues, started when I stopped drinking alcohol, over 12 years ago. Unfortunately, I substituted one vice for another.

Edited by: CD13753744 at: 3/19/2013 (05:14)
MKATE88's Photo MKATE88 Posts: 1,174
3/15/13 11:20 A

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Being on my own. Lots of stress, plus I was bringing home all the wrong foods

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CHULAVISTA1's Photo CHULAVISTA1 Posts: 149
3/13/13 10:08 A

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Awh, Becka I wish I had all the answers for you. Unfortunately I don't. All I can say is when someone chooses to say something not so nice to me, I imagine it as a really heavy weight. What I choose to do with that is totally my choice. I can either carry that huge weight around, or I can just put it down and walk off. I know this is a metaphor, but this is the only way I can deal with it sometimes. In my mind, if I choose to react to it, I really try to decide if what that person said has merit. What value do I place on it? Can I do something with that statement to benefit me, to make me a better person? If I can't, I in effect put that weight down and walk away. If it was said because that person has some personal underlying issues he or she is trying to put off on me, then I consider the source, put that weight down and walk off. I will not allow it to affect me if I can't do anything about it. I refuse to carry someone else's heavy weight (baggage), I have plenty of my own.

Anger is a natural reaction to a lot of things. The key is to learn to make anger work in your favor, not against you. It's one of the many healthy emotions we all have, so learning to mange it is a victory.

Just my ramblings, but I sure hope it helps.



Edited by: CHULAVISTA1 at: 3/13/2013 (10:14)

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3/12/13 6:47 P

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Done well with some of my issues, bu now things are creeping up again. Let me ask a couple of my most stumbling questions....

How do you get 'past' something? For instance when someone says something not-nice to you and maybe even apologizes later. There is a part of me that still hold on to it and won't let go. How do I make it let go?

Is Anger a natural reaction to ... oh, everything? And if not, why is it the one emotion that is so automatic?

Never mistake failure as final

Deciding what you want your life to be like is not hard. Deciding what you are willing to do and give up to get it, is the hard part.

I will do what I need to do in order to do what I want to do.

What you do and say is a reflection of who you are, so decide who you want to be and do it.

Rebecka


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CHULAVISTA1's Photo CHULAVISTA1 Posts: 149
3/12/13 10:13 A

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Like PennySaver said - emotional distress from childhood.

These things I know:

being told as a child you are responsible for a child's / sibling's death. Really?? Who the bleep would tell a child that?

Being told as a child you will never amount to anything. That's killing a child's self worth.

Being told as a child you're too fat. That's telling that child he or she is not good enough.

Denying a child a few treats here and there, but having some for himself. "I can have treats on occasion, but you can't." When that child gets older, he or she will do everything in their power to obtain what was denied them before. Like food!

Everyone around you going away - food doesn't abandon you.

Every item I've touched on, is closely related to what most of you have posted here. They are ALL issues we address by binging. The science behind it is, we eat because it makes us feel good. Our brains are hardwired that way, that comes from cave man days. But the pleasure it gives us has gotten way out of whack. Studies have proven that most eating disorders, whether it's bingeing, or anorexia, or whatever it might be - is tied to some type of trauma as a child.

Accusing a child of causing another child's death = trauma.
Telling a child he or she will never be worth anything = trauma.
Everyone the child loves going away = feelings of being abandoned = trauma.
Denying an occasional treat when the adult feels free - and even makes a big production of it = saying I'm good enough to have this, you're not = trauma.

Everyone here knows the mechanics of weightloss. Eat right, exercise, eat less move more, burn more calories, lose weight. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. If it were that easy, none of us would have a weight problem, right??

We must dig into our emotional issues, figure out what our triggers were, and what starts it now, and how to ward them off. That's the only way the yo-yo cycle and weightloss merry-go-round will stop.

That's why I'm here. I'm doing the work. I'll cheer all of you on and help you too.



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3/11/13 11:00 P

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Emotional distress from childhood



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8/2/12 9:23 P

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I have done a lot of work on my binge issues in the last few years.
In the last few months, I determined that my binging is very bad when my stress level is high.
Eating -especially sugar- calms me.
So now I have to work on my stress level!

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8/2/12 8:15 P

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Self esteem issues: I remember the first time I ever used food for comfort was when my first boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. I ate a half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream and cried. Then when ever I felt bad about myself I would eat. Eventually it took more and more food to numb the bad feelings I always seemed to be dealing with. I never felt good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, etc. I posted in my blog today how I finally realized I needed help. It's hard. As soon as I feel stressed, angry, sad, not good enough...my first thought is food, but I'm determined to stop. I haven't binged in over 3 weeks, and I feel like I had a real turning point this week. As I read so many of the posts on this team it helps me realize that I'm not the only one who struggles with bingeing, and it is possible to stop and get healthy again. Thanks for being so honest.

A cheerful heart is good medicine,
but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Proverbs 17:22
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Dream Big...Then make it happen!
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If you see someone without a smile...give them one of yours. :)
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My favorite song at the moment
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8/2/12 9:09 A

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My story is extremely similar. I remember struggling when I was about 6. I was fine until someone close to me said I was fat and then went on to point out all the things that made me fat; my legs, thighs, chin, rolls, etc. Then I went through some big losses; sister ran away when I was 8, mom died when I was 9, house burnt down when I was 10, dad remarried when I was 11 to a woman who struggles with sever emotional issues and we moved 6 times by the time I was 14. My brother and sister's way of coping was drugs and alcohol, but I saw what that did to my dad and refused to get addicted. I was proud of myself until I realized that I was addicted too, just to something different. For me food has always been there when nothing else was. As everything was leaving me, food wasn't and I clung to the one thing in my life that wasn't leaving me. Now I have such an emotional attachment and dependence on it that I get angry when I try to deny myself something or even simply pass something up. I feel like so many things have been taken away, it's not fair that I'm asked to give something up.

It's one thing to think your worthless and without value, but it's another thing to have it confirmed by others. My step-mom once told me that I was so difficult to live with, if she could afford it, she'd pay for me to live somewhere else. My husband (in the beginning of our marriage) told me that being married was so difficult if he had it to do over again, he wouldn't, that if anything ever happened to me, our marriage was so hard, he'd never get married again and that God wasn't allowing me to have kids because I wouldn't be a good mom. And a co-worker recently (after years of working on myself, my depression and anxiety) said to me that working with me was like walking on egg shells, you never know how I'm going to react to things.

Overall food has become my only friend and the only thing I can rely on and I feel it is extremely unfair for anyone to ask me to give it up. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix the way I think or feel about food.

On the flip side of all that, logically I know I'm slowly killing myself, but apparently my emotional issues are stronger than my survival instinct. Logically I know all the right things to do and all the options out there and what's right for me, but I just can't seem to bring myself to actually do any of it. And today my dog ate my breakfast twice. I had a anger episode so bad, I'm glad no one saw it.

Never mistake failure as final

Deciding what you want your life to be like is not hard. Deciding what you are willing to do and give up to get it, is the hard part.

I will do what I need to do in order to do what I want to do.

What you do and say is a reflection of who you are, so decide who you want to be and do it.

Rebecka


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FEB_SHOWERS16's Photo FEB_SHOWERS16 Posts: 2,069
8/2/12 3:35 A

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I think at first mine was rebellion. I remember have weight issues as a little girl and feeling completely embarrassed and out of control about it. But I had an insatiable hunger. I would sneak food, even as a child. And when I couldn't have my fill, I'd become very resentful about it. I remember they sold chocolate chip cookies in the cafeteria. When I could only afford one, I remember thinking "when I grow up I'm going to eat all the chocolate chip cookies I possibly can." And same way with McDonalds breakfast. I remember thinking "I can't wait til I can get 5 hashbrowns instead of one!"
Sure enough, as soon as I was able... I did. Even though I was already overweight as a child, just as soon as I was on my own there was no stopping me. I stayed about 30 lbs overweight all the time. But during my first marriage was when it switched from rebellion to addiction. It was a miserable marriage.

That's my binge beginnings...

Marie








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8/1/12 10:40 A

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I did it out of stress over the weekend and then I had a sense of defeat last night and gave in then too.

Never mistake failure as final

Deciding what you want your life to be like is not hard. Deciding what you are willing to do and give up to get it, is the hard part.

I will do what I need to do in order to do what I want to do.

What you do and say is a reflection of who you are, so decide who you want to be and do it.

Rebecka


 current weight: 277.6 
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7/24/12 9:41 P

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We do it to feel better on an non conscious level and then it becomes a habit that's hard to break! emoticon

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7/21/12 11:07 P

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I think it was loneliness and then it just became a way to control any negative feelings. I have early memories of being a kid and sitting at the TV munching away on cheese curls instead of playing outside with the other kids. I never felt comfortable with myself but food was always accepting. I don't mean to sound deep, just thinking about what got all this started.

COWBOYMAMA's Photo COWBOYMAMA Posts: 534
7/20/12 9:08 P

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Thanks, Sparklise. I really need to work on this. I sat down and made a list of goals to work on, just need to get them on my trackers. I will not be tracking food, just eating clean and limiting sugar. Will track fitness and other weekly goals. I look forward to visiting here often.

Stephanie


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7/20/12 6:42 A

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Hi and welcome to the team! emoticon emoticon
Boredom eating is a problem for me too. emoticon
But my binging is getting better,so there is hope! emoticon
emoticon emoticon

COWBOYMAMA's Photo COWBOYMAMA Posts: 534
7/19/12 9:22 P

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I am new here, I think this is my first post. I have dealt with bingeing for a LONG time. Mine is mostly when I get bored. I love to bake and before I had three kids, I could just eat one piece of something and be satisfied. Now, if I cut even one sliver off, I end up eating at least one piece, if not two or more. I eat when I get bored. Even if I am not bored or hungry, sometimes I just eat because something tastes good (like chips or chocolate), even though I know I feel worse and then I look for something else to eat. I am trying to get my family's eating habits turned around, but my dh loves pop, chips, sweets, etc. I have gotten our dinners down to mostly non processed food (75% of the time, still working on getting better at that). I am a sahm to three boys, although I recently started working on Thursday and Friday for 4 1/2 hours, but when I get home, even if supper is done, I still want to eat whatever I can get my hands on! Not sure what to do about this, but I am trying to eat clean and as little sugar as possible. I need to get this weight off, because I feel terrible about myself.

Stephanie


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5/14/12 8:57 P

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The feelings seem to be the same,but the reasons to binge or when it started are all so different!
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CD4048900 Posts: 8,614
5/14/12 4:48 P

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Thanks for sharing, everyone. It really helps me to know that I am not alone. We are all alike in so many ways.

CD5724173 Posts: 586
5/13/12 9:24 A

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We always ate healthy at home, we ate whole grains rarely pasta / rice; we ate grains; fruits; fresh veggies...I have to say my mom is a pretty healthy cook and the food was great. There was rarely if never chocolate or any unhealthy foods at home.

If I think about bingeing behaviors: I go back to a time where I bought a big bag of Dorito's Cool Ranch, they did not have single size servings. I was 11 years old. I knew, I could not bring it back home so I scarf it down in one sitting; you would think I would have shared with other friends; I did not I was a bit food protective. I ate like I would never eat again; there was certainly a satisfaction / warm fuzzy feeling after I ate it...which then turned into guilt. These were one offs; bingeing did not become full fledged until I went on my first diet, the doctor said I was obese. On the record I was 68 kgs / for 1.67 M; which I realized after I few months on Spark that it was a healthy BMI; but that is another story. I wrote an entire blog about it!

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5/13/12 5:54 A

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This question is basically the essence of the questions I hope to answer during my journey on SP. I don't really know when or where mine started. We didn't really snack a lot and my mom cooked at home EVERY night. We had pretty well balanced meals. I have brachial palsy and had surgery when I was in 6th grade which is also the time my body started changing. After that was the first time I every started having weight issues. I do remeber a couple times that I "binged" because something that my mom rarely fixed tasted so good. I don't consider that really the onset, maybe it was. Gosh, I really can't think when mine started but I know I have some real severe self-worth issues that I am pretty sure stemmed from bad realtionships with guys. I'm trying to work on that and write down the feelings and get some worth back. I can tell myself in my head I am worthy, but I can't make myself feel worthy....

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5/10/12 7:27 P

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i think curvy kitten said it all when she said loosing myself. seems to me though i havent got there yet being aware is the answer. of where we are what we are doing and why.and of goals for our body feeling good not aching not diabetic all these things we can change if we make the right choices .

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5/9/12 6:15 P

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Taking my focus off my goals and then focusing on insignificant things.

Happiness is remembering what I really want.
Laughter is the best medicine. The best things in life are free.

Learn to say 'no' to the good so you can say 'yes' to the best.

Dream with no action = wishful thinking
Action with no plan = chaos
Dream + action + persistence = success

The ego tells me you can't do it. The spirit tells me I can.

Each time I say "no" to impulse eating, I will visualize fat melting off my body.


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5/9/12 6:00 P

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I've thought about this A LOT. I honestly don't really know where/how my binge eating started but I really think it has a lot to do with my family. Everyone that I've been close with & grown up with has been really overweight. My mom, my grandma, my dad, etc. As a kid, I got to eat anything I wanted & whenever I wanted. We never ate at the table as a family, so I could literally sit in my room for hours eating & nobody would notice or care. I was never taught what I should or should not eat, portion control, or any of those sorts of things.

I can remember being in Kindergarten & thinking to myself that I was the biggest person in my class. It's always bothered me. After school, I'd go to my grandma's house for a little while & sneak into her pantry & stuff my face in seconds. Then, come out & pretend like I had done nothing. Fourth grade, I can remember sneaking into her kitchen & finding the scale... Stepping on it, I remember it said I was a little over 120 lbs. I wish I could go back & make myself SAY something to someone. Maybe then, I could have gotten the help I needed.

A few years ago, I was at GOAL. I was where I needed to be & super happy. But after a really bad breakup with someone who I thought was the love of my life, I slipped back into bad habits. Running to food for comfort, & to take away that empty feeling... I did this literally EVERY DAY. Sitting in front of the computer, playing games & losing myself. It's been 5 years now, & I'm still in the same boat.

I've always used food for comfort. I've always looked at it as "Food can't leave me. Food can't hurt me. Food can't cheat on me, or lie to me." But honestly, it's done nothing but harm to me. It's time to move on.

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5/3/12 2:47 P

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I am not sure where my binge eating started. I know my Mom has always been very image conscious and was always after me to exercise and lose weight, even though I was very normal sized through high school. I just never had a good self image. We had very little junk food in our house, and somewhere in my later teenage years I discovered that stuffing my face (literally) felt good. At least it seemed to make me feel better than I did. And from that came 30 years of disordered eating. I've been 255lbs and I've been 135lbs, both of which are extremes for me. I think binging now is as much a habit as anything. There is definitely some sugar addiction at work there too. I just know that I am so much better than before, with a much healthier attitude about food and my body thanks to this team and SP.

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5/3/12 9:03 A

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It's such a cliche to to blame my mother... actually I should probably blame my grandparents. They called my mother fat and ugly and that is how she sees herself. She tried to do the opposite with me and always called me beautiful, but to the extent that she actively denied I was overweight even when doctors told her otherwise when I was in my teens. She worried that I would become anorexic although my weight was going up.

Food/weight was such a sensitive issue for her that I could never discuss it with her. She did a lot of baking and I worried, even as a child of 7 or 8, that I shouldn't be eating cakes etc but I could not say this to her. Even at that young age I would throw away food or hide it rather than say I didn't want it for fear of upsetting her. When I was about 12 and had more control I would sometimes skip breakfast or lunch. I thought I was being clever but I am sure this contributed to my binge-eating as it started around the same time I think.

As you can probably tell I have thought about this and figured out a lot of the reasons over many years, but this in itself does not stop the binge behaviour. It's an ingrained habit that I have to unlearn.

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5/2/12 10:49 P

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good point

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5/2/12 8:24 P

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I think the reasons for binge eating are as complex and different as the people that suffer from it and that is why finding a solution is so hard.
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5/2/12 6:17 P

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love your name bellyfloped.
another thing i thought of that may have contributed to my bingeing is growing up in post war britain where waste was almost a sin didnt matter if you were full or didnt like the food it had to be eaten .so i never learned hunger signals as a child.

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5/2/12 3:32 P

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I never stayed at one place for a year-I'm either going up or down. emoticon
I don't blame you for being scared. emoticon

I also,like a true addict, forget why I want to lose weight ,and at the site of food,I just eat and then think ,what the?????
It's just nuts!!!! emoticon

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5/2/12 2:59 P

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Well done for not letting the plateau get you down. It is tough but if you perserve you will get to that goal emoticon

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5/2/12 2:48 P

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thanks.
Yes almost at goal, but have been stalled there for well over a year.
Definetly fighting a mental battle now.


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5/2/12 2:38 P

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I agree with what you say about having the food is more important at that moment than all the reasons not to have it!!! Your tracker looks like you are nearly at goal emoticon

BELLY-FLOPPED's Photo BELLY-FLOPPED Posts: 50
5/2/12 1:02 P

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For me, I've always tended to binge.
As for parents and food, I don't know if it was because we didn't have much money, or my father was just strict, but any indulging was frowned upon...late snacks, anything unhealthy, was all taboo. No pop, watered down juice, etc. Heck he even made us put honey in our kool-aid!
But oddly on the other hand, when he was having something he liked, it was a big deal. A treat for him, something to be savoured. He loved to cook, and always made a production out of it.

When I see a plate of cookies or something, I can't control myself...I gotta have them, lots. it's so mindless sometimes. Other times, I'm completely aware of myself, but I just don't care, I'll do it anyway.
It's as though at the moment I see food, having it is more important than all the reasons not too.
A true addict. all the weight I've lost is from total abstination. I feel so likely to put it back on it terrifies me.

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4/30/12 12:36 A

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being aware is HUGE.it may be the first step but it is a big first step.

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4/29/12 7:51 P

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I know what you mean.
I feel so much energy and time has been wasted in my life because of this eating disorder!
It makes me nuts when I binge because I don't want to face something. Then I feel so disgusted with myself.
But. At least I am now conscious of it and I guess it's the first step to getting better!


BUFFALOWINTERS's Photo BUFFALOWINTERS Posts: 227
4/28/12 10:59 P

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First emoticon . I know talking about these things can be tough and bring out stuff we would rather not deal with. I didn't think that others would pin point childhood being where their binge issue started. I know that different events in life and at any age can cause it too and its nice to know I'm not the only one, though I wouldn't mind being the only one since these issue suck!
So I wonder now what I can possible use my resent "ahh" moments to help me learn to control my binges. Where did food cross the line from being my friend to my most hated enemy? I could live with being overweight, happy even, if only the binges were gone. Nothing makes me hurt more than after a binge.
You are all very strong to share your memories.



Healthy changes everything!

Just move! No matter how slow you go...
Your still lapping everyone on the couch.


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4/28/12 7:14 P

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well here goes. i was an only child and the only girl after 12 males on both sides of the family.so i was spoilt and as such my mother i think bathed in the glow of having the darling of the family.i was feeling from as early as i can remember that i was in need of fixing as mum was creating a cross between shirley temple and elizabeth taylor in national velvet of a horsey barbie doll .this was not me. i remember feeling something like a camel in a lace curtain with all the frills and bows.
i was a tomboy very horsey very animal oriented and for ever in trouble for getting dirty or ripping some thing.
when my shape became apparent short and sturdy it was not what was wanted but i am welsh and we celts are not known as tall and willowy .i was put on diet after diet as an 8 or 9 year old,and told by mum that if only i could loose weight i would be perfect and this was the time i started eating in secret.
when i was 16 we moved to new zealand and i found it hard to fit in to the new school so i ate more.
i think if you have the potential to be a binge or compulsive eater you divorce from the feelings and just use food to cure anything once you start it is hard to stop.
but i have this feeling that if i was never broken and didnt need fixing i would be who i am meant to be .i have no idea what that will be but i know it will be healthy person who feels recovers and loves her self.
i have lived with the insanity of trying to mend me be what others want and please every one and still achieved in my professional life and personal so heaven only knows what i can be when i accept and love myself.
sorry very long rave but very good to get this out.

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4/28/12 3:18 P

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emoticon

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4/28/12 2:40 P

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I dont know why I binge, I did suffer with depression quite severly when I was younger. I dont have a real reason why though. My parents treated me well and I had a good relationship with my siblings. I did have a baby brother who died when he was only 4 months old and my mum used to tell me I had killed him because I passed a cold on to him at a time when he was very ill and his body couldnt fight it. It was the last straw. I have always felt very sad about that.

My mum has always hated fat people and been quite vocal about it. I was never aware of my mum being on a diet but there were times when she gave us dinner but wouldnt eat herself. My sister was annorexic when she was younger and I had bulimia. Both my sister and I are obssessed now with eating. It consumes our every thought. What will we eat today, what have we eaten, are we doing okay??

I guess all the females in my family see our weight as an essential part of our identity. In fact my mum, sister and I always discuss our weight and diet whenever we talk.

I think my bingeing is a result of my obssesion with food and the fact that I have severly limited
food many times in the past. There was a time when my sister and I would never eat more than 1,000 kcals a day. We both weighed around 100lbs!! Now we have both put on alot more weight and we both wish we could be back where we once were. But that is so unhealthy, in fact my periods stopped which I think was down to my weight.

Sorry for the huge post, once I started posting loads of stuff came pouring out! There is so much more I think I need to go and do some journalling!!

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4/28/12 1:10 P

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Interesting.
I don't really like to rehash my childhood stories but you might have something there.
My mom used to bring me candy after work as a treat.
I know I used to eat what I wanted when I wanted because my mom was too tired to really care.
When I started to gain weight,she was not a happy camper because she hates fat people(true story!), so I started to hide food and binge in secret.
I think that's when binging started,i had to eat as fast as I could before I got caught.
But,really. Does that matter now? I am an adult and I should be able to stop. emoticon
Sigh. emoticon If only it was that simple.
My therapist said that at one point,eating made me feel good and that started a pattern of emotional eating.
Now it's just to change that pattern. Not easy! emoticon

BUFFALOWINTERS's Photo BUFFALOWINTERS Posts: 227
4/28/12 10:36 A

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I know this isn't an easy question but what I have noticed is the last few days that I have been posting a few possible thoughts on why I eat the way I do have found it's way into my head. I know it had to start in childhood because I can remember doing it but why hasn't been explored. I'm sure therapy would be a good thing for me but at this point my insurance is switching so I have to wait for a new provider list. Anyways maybe if we just post thoughts on why it started for each of us it will help?
So I can remember my father (ex Navy) was very funny about food. There was no late night snacking and once dinner was put away that was it. Every once in awhile we could have a few cookies or snack cake but that was it. We could never drink the soda unless it was a glass with dinner (which probably explains why I don't drink soda at all now.) I wonder if that was enough to make me start eating like crazy. I do remember once saying when I moved out I was going to buy and eat whatever I wanted and trust me I so did that! :-)



Healthy changes everything!

Just move! No matter how slow you go...
Your still lapping everyone on the couch.


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