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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/16/08 11:35 A

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Thanks for being clear, dustyrose. I'll think on it and yes, will put the puppy to rest.

LATER: Above was my initial remark made in a rush because I thought I might have offended some thoughtful person online. Now that I've had more time to reread things, here's my updated answer, dustyrose. I was merely having fun w/dec. I thought dec has a nice sense of humor and it was fun to run across her playfulness. in reality, I was the one who originally brought up putting the puppy to sleep (yes, I've heard the term letting sleeping dogs lie...this I thought a more creative twist). I'm well-educated and simply was crushed to learn I was human enough to fall for a friend who is unavailable but in working it through (thank you all so much for responding on this forum) here and in life, realize I am also human enough to work it through to the satisfaction of all.

so, dustyrose, I thought your remark a little short and that it was YOU who missed the point. but, such is the nature of online chat...

Edited by: SHARONE104 at: 9/16/2008 (17:20)
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9/16/08 3:03 A

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I think you don't get the point. So I have to put it out there. You know in your heart how you feel and your heart is not always the safe bet. You may either be setting yourself up for a heart break or you may end up breaking a heart, the wife's. You have to be the one to make the decision. You don't need us to tell you. If you want to be friends with him then be friends with him. You are going to do what you want anyway. So do what you think is best for you. Good luck with what ever you decide to do. Now put this puppy to rest.

Edited by: DUSTYROSE1968 at: 9/16/2008 (03:02)
Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/15/08 11:31 A

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LOL that's the saying...let sleeping dogs lie. between me and dec, that could've gone on endlesslY! Have great day!

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DUSTYROSE1968's Photo DUSTYROSE1968 SparkPoints: (0)
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9/14/08 11:07 P

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Did you ever hear the saying let sleeping dogs lie.
I think that applies here. I think you got it anyway. Good luck on your endeavor.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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9/14/08 11:00 P

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I think you got it also.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/14/08 12:52 P

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wouldashouldacoulda but I taught I taw a puddy tat.

emoticon

NOW, the puppy can sleep.

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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/14/08 11:35 A

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i thought this puppy was asleep and chasin wascally wabbits????
emoticon

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/14/08 8:20 A

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Whoa. Why should I be bummin and down on myself? If this friend of mine will be a friend, he will respect that I've drawn the line. If not, he can walk. Now it is the right time in my life to develop other strengths. And, also time to start exploring who these other, available guys are. Is there one out there for moi?

She's got it...I think she's got it.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

darn wascally wabbit.

Edited by: SHARONE104 at: 9/14/2008 (08:19)
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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/14/08 8:07 A

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My instincts stink, dustyrose. lol

Friends' advice was anywhere from get the h--- away from this guy to hey, why can't you just handle it maturely and say, look you are married and I don't dabble w/trouble like that but let's be friends (flower girl!). Both were way too extreme for me.

On the one hand, I LOVE the nonprofit program we met up in and do not want to abandon it. I also love the guy who has been my friend but, on the other hand, now see the snarkiness he can be about if I allow this creepiness in my life.
On the one hand, this program is one in which I set my own perameters...I leave when I've had enough. He and I never have to be alone but can enjoy one another's company. On the other hand, I have been gaining weight from the frustration I attribute to this situation. I thought that outing my feelings would help me get a grip on that behavior and I think ultimately it will but it's still soon for me to tell.
On the other hand (am I on the other hand?), what I have found by working this through is that I engage other men a lot longer than I used to. Just in conversation, I mean. And, what I'm finding is that men are asking ME questions about who I am...getting to knowya type questions. Somehow through all this mayhem and frustration, some very interesting dynamics are beginning to arise. My friend makes me feel very attractive, not just sexually but also as a vital, interesting person. He's not available but there are other fish in the sea.
I have clearly run out of hands. We are friends. I will do everything I can to limit our contact to the program altho he is trying to make inroads. AND I am going to go w/my inSTINKS and start to explore these single, interesting individuals who have been coming around my program (all ph.d students from foreign lands!) whom I never realized until now! were somewhat interested in knowing about me. I think I am learning to face my fear.



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9/13/08 9:51 P

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Sounds like you have a handle on the situation. Just go with your instinkes.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/13/08 6:34 P

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yeth ... wascally wabbith!
emoticon

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/13/08 2:20 P

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out chasin' wabbits, eh?


emoticon

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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/13/08 1:51 P

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okay, the puppy is twitching ... yeah, that's it ... he's chasing rabbits in his dreams ... don't wake him! he might catch one and then we'd have dinner!
emoticon emoticon

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/13/08 11:22 A

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awww, cmon, puppies don't snore.

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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/12/08 6:32 P

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shhh. the puppy is snoring.

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/12/08 4:29 P

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angst is over. made my decision. life is good again.




Edited by: SHARONE104 at: 9/12/2008 (17:53)
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PLATINUM755's Photo PLATINUM755 SparkPoints: (628,972)
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9/12/08 11:57 A

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emoticon it's your diploma SHARONE104 ... emoticon

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/11/08 8:50 P

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sorry the puppy woke up but glad he's recovering
emoticon

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/11/08 7:04 P

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Truth is, Platinum, there is an ache, of course. When I told him that I probably needed some distance just to get my head straight because I really had to work out my feelings for him, he told me that I am too hard on myself and that it was okay for me to be happy and go with the things that made me happy...like hanging out w/him!
Suddenly I felt like surrogate wife.
emoticon
I think this beautiful guy was carelessly beginning to plug me in to his after-work activities. Where the heck did my kind, caring friend go? And, no mention of his wife.
Okay, I bailed. Maybe not as timely as I should have. But, I see it now. I think next time I'll...hey! there won't be a next time!
emoticon


Edited by: SHARONE104 at: 9/11/2008 (19:03)
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9/11/08 3:45 P

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No I told so from me...Love is a beautiful thing, although it can hurt sometimes...I thought I saw LOL in your post...check your BOUNDARIES...all in order emoticon ...then just glad you're doing ok with it!

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/11/08 3:35 P

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Well, then, here's the sequel.

My friend called me a number of times over the last few days presumably to meet up over something nonprofit related. Well, my head started spinning. I finally picked up the phone and told him that I may just need a little distance in order to clear my head. Poor guy. He was so surprised or disappointed or like my friend says...HEY! you really don't know what he feels because he really doesn't tell you exactly.
So, there it is. One of my favorite people ever and I can't hang around because the truth is WHATEVER it is on his end, there was too, too, too much there for me to get a handle on.
LOL...all you wise women! you all told me so. I can hear it already...go ahead...dish it up...I'm waiting.
emoticon

Edited by: SHARONE104 at: 9/11/2008 (15:33)
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9/10/08 10:09 P

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We all like chatting with each other. Just give us a topic and we are off to the races.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/10/08 6:50 P

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Thanks, dustyrose. One thing I'm going to do is hang around this site...you people are FUN and COOL!
emoticon

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9/10/08 9:00 A

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Amen, Good luck in all you do, what ever it may be.
God bless you and guide you.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/9/08 8:55 P

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LOL out loud.

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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/9/08 6:50 P

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shhh ... don't wake the puppy!
emoticon

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/9/08 8:54 A

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LOL. you all ARE a fun, intelligent, caring bunch, arentcha?
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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/9/08 1:36 A

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consider this puppy asleep!

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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9/9/08 12:01 A

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SHARONE104 it is all up to you and it is your decision, you know what is in your heart, You do what you think is the best for you. It is not for us to say what is best for you. Good luck in what ever you decide to do.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/8/08 10:32 P

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I guess I live in lalaland. I have jumped through hoops in my life... many, many hoops. I am ready to take this challenge and believe in myself. I don't believe there are absolutes in life. there are lessons and there are cautions and there are chances one must take and then there is belief in onesself. I know what I am capable of and what I will not risk. I will walk that fine line of not dipping into that pool in order to be closely associated to a very worthwhile individual and I will keep my heart open for other opportunities. Thanks, tho, for drawing on your wisdom in order to enlighten me. I have made my decision, have already had opportunity to test out my armor and have decided that I am seaworthy! I know you wish me well on this voyage! And I know I will arrive on the other shore victorious!

Now, can we put this puppy to rest?


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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/8/08 8:39 P

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SHARONE - been there done that.
just a little visit from REAL LIFE land ...
if you try to remain friends with a married man and there are sparks of any kind, a fire will ensue.
you WILL end up sleeping with him and there will be several of 1,000 GOOD REASONS ...
And yeah, in a perfect world, it would be great for a single woman to be friends JUST friends with a married man.
but this is NOT a perfect world.
been there.
done that.

if you don't want to unbelievably complicate your life even more than it is, cool it off. now. before someone gets REALLY hurt.

Edited by: DOWNEASTCAGUN at: 9/8/2008 (20:38)
* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/8/08 7:22 P

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Thanks, blackcosmocat, for explanation and personal sharing! I really hope I am right, too! In life now I always leave myself a non-apologetic exit door when I feel that I am being intruded upon. I hold that door open for myself in all relations, family and friends, including mr. wonderful married friend who won't be denied his shortcomings by me! But, truth is, I have a lot of faith in me now, too, because I am just as important as the next [guy]!
Life is such a journey!

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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
9/8/08 6:56 P

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SHARONE I am sorry if our signals got crossed, but I said that I had low self-esteem at the time, not that you have low self-esteem. The guy in my case turned out to be a rotter, but I didn't mean your friend was, really I didn't.
I think that my DH is the most wonderful man in the world, and that is why I fell in love with him, so I guess I see thinking a married guy is so special as, um, a bit dangerous, but then I can't say that I have ever had many close male friends either.
I have also known a lot of women who got emotionally involved with married male friends and so when you said that he had been flirting, that was a red flag for me. The last woman who told me that she and a married man were just friends is still trying to get over the heartbreak that was caused by getting too close.
I hope that you are right and that you both able to handle being good friends without complications, I really do.
Jodi

Edited by: DWDMOTHERHEN at: 9/8/2008 (18:55)
My blog for women with depression is:
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My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/8/08 5:26 P

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aww. Thanks, platinum!
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9/8/08 11:20 A

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emoticon SHARONE104. I've been following the thread without much to add...I'm glad to hear you have established boundaries for yourself where your friend is concerned, and your confidence in your decision. Friends come in every size,shape, color ---and gender...Life is too short...enjoy your friendship.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/8/08 8:19 A

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Thanks, Dustyrose. It will work out fine in the end. It is working out fine, now. The world is a wonderful place when you can tell someone how you feel and have them receive it w/grace and value it. What I told him was carefully considered and he took it that way. I just feel very happy w/the outcome, very lucky to be able to recognize boundaries and at the same time value all types of friendship. I've never been so confident before. I'm going to let it alone because we are happy where it's at. We are friends. Thanks to all!

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9/8/08 2:15 A

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I hope this all turns out good in the end. It sounds like it will for now anyway.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/7/08 8:06 P

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Blackcosmocat, I know your heart is in the right place, but I don't suffer from low self-esteem anymore. Running across friends like this guy has been wonderfully healing. I've seen him grow and change, too, in this time. We appreciate one another. I don't need a relationship. I've been single and dating for a long, long time. He makes me happy. He's not perfect but he's wonderful. And, we care about one another and the people around us. We met while working in a nonprofit organization for impoverished folks. We've learned a lot about one another. I am definitely a woman's rights woman. But, I am also the mother to a wonderful young man who has already been through a lot in losing his father. He has seen me struggle with so much and finally end up on my feet...happy and sane. I'm not going to sacrifice his peace of mind for a misguided relationship. I also won't sacrifice all that I've struggled for. My friend IS my friend. He's been very supportive and undemanding through these struggles. Very kind. I don't need to be fooled. I don't need to have a partner. I'm really letting a very wonderful friendship be what it is...a very open, loving friendship. I'll let you all know what it becomes as it unfolds. I'm in no rush for a relationship. If it happens again in my life, so be it. If not, I am blessed w/lovely people like my friend. Thanks again for your concern, blackcosmocat, but even tho I need to work things through as they come up, that doesn't mean that I lack self-esteem. I am strong. Take care!
emoticon

Edited by: SHARONE104 at: 9/7/2008 (20:19)
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9/7/08 6:17 P

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Admiration is one of the things that men are drawn to like moths to a flame. I'm sure that we can all think of others!
I think that your friend has been flirting because he is flattered by your high opinion of him, and it stokes his ego. Perhaps his wife isn't quite so appreciative anymore as she used to be. It could be that she knows more about what he is really like -- underwear left on the floor, toilet seat up, "forgets" to take out the trash, etc.
I forgot to tell you the best affair-proofing technique of all -- be friends with his wife. Ask her questions about what he is like to live with, especially what drives her around the bend.
Often hearing about these less impressive details can make you more realistic. Ever man still has to put on his pants one leg at a time (and for some that's a challenge)!
When you don't have to live with a guy's bad habits, it is easy to put him on a pedestal, right where he likes to be. Then he starts thinking, "Well, somebody appreciates me!" and telling you things that he wishes were different in his marriage. Big trouble!
Any married guy who flirts in the first place is out of line. Anything that happens with you that he wouldn't say or do in front of his wife is a big no-no!
Oh, yeah, I've been there, and I've been fooled. I actually knew one guy who would flirt with me in front of his wife, and my self-esteem was so low at the time, I lapped it up. I became friends with her and found out that he was emotionally and physically abusing her and the kids. A good church-going guy too. Man, did I feel like a sucker, and I felt so scuzzy for having had anything to do with him. (They did divorce, BTW.)
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/7/08 10:53 A

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Thanks, all! I love him a lot and he's been the most wonderful friend...I am already thinking ahead, blackcosmocat! He has invited me to a function w/him and of course, I will say no if it comes up again. I will be sure to not allow aloneness! We did very well the other day, after our talk, just enjoying one another's company, helping others and not bringing it up again! I feel that I had to unload my side of things because we have been so close and he's been flirting (which confused me!) and I felt we needed to get it out in the open to control it and ALSO so that I could move on w/my feelings because leaving them where they were was VEXING! Now I am realizing that he was probably flirting like he did because he's been very confused himself! Not over me...but probably so many things! I will be his supportive friend, he can talk to me w/o me taking advantage of him and I really do care about him... he's very proud of his family. I have no doubt that we'll get through this w/all of us being above board.
Thank you all so much! This will definitely be a struggle to find a very clear 'we are friend!' arrangement but we obviously care a lot about eachother and this has got to be doable! In the meantime, I DO feel open to finding other men!!! So true, all your comments, COSMO!

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9/7/08 2:36 A

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BLACKCOSMOCAT you sound like you may have been there yourself.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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9/6/08 10:01 P

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and SHARONE, I can spare Jack Sparrow if you need some distraction.... me emoticon emoticon blessings

Terri, Princess of the Terri-tory~~Sure is hard to be a princess around here. WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY *to be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. Allow myself to find happiness in the only place that it can be found: my real messy, imperfect experience Anon + Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You” Dr. Seuss+ SorryTHX,Forgive,Love+
DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
9/6/08 8:17 P

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SHARONE I am glad that you feel as if you have come to an understanding with your friend on this.
It is not uncommon for a woman who is single to start to have feelings for a male friend who isn't single, but it is important to understand it for what it is, a chance to "practice" relating to guys again.
I don't want to be a wet blanket, but from previous experience I can tell you that you need to put some safe boundaries up in this relationship, to make sure that you appear to do the right thing (for his wife's benefit) as well as to ensure that you continue to do the right thing.
- Don't see him alone. Meet in public places or have other people there with you.
- Keep physical contact to a minimum. Long hugs, sitting close, touching each other's hair or face are all examples of the kind of touching that can be misinterpreted, or lead things in the wrong direction.
- Be totally transparent with his wife. If you are meeting him for coffee on Friday, casually mention it in front of her, for instance.
- If anything makes his wife uncomfortable, respect her feelings and don't do that. She comes first in his life, always.
Setting up safeguards like these will help keep things on a friendly level, and make sure that his marriage stays his first priority.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/6/08 1:26 P

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You all are so sweet! thank you so much for letting me air this...SO heavy for me! emoticon

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9/6/08 9:54 A

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So glad that you talked with him. You would never have known the answers otherwise. Now you have peace of mind and have a new place to start from.

Value your friends because they are worth more than just about anything else!

"Everyday is a gift, thats why they call it the present."
www.goodquotes.com/


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9/6/08 9:02 A

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emoticon Glad to hear everything worked out well with your friend...Happy and safe hunting for the "other options."

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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9/6/08 9:00 A

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Sharone, Don't you feel better now that you talked about this with him? I have male friends that I have had for years.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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9/5/08 9:11 P

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I am so happy for you!!!! blessings...

Terri, Princess of the Terri-tory~~Sure is hard to be a princess around here. WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY *to be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. Allow myself to find happiness in the only place that it can be found: my real messy, imperfect experience Anon + Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You” Dr. Seuss+ SorryTHX,Forgive,Love+
SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/5/08 7:06 P

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aw. I talked w/my friend about my feelings. He said that he thinks of me as one of his closest friends and he doesn't want me to feel awkward w/my feelings because he has [unspecified] feelings for me, too, and he is married. he also told me that the way he sees it being great friends is nothing to feel guilty about and that trust in friendship is so hard to find he didn't want to lose that. before we hung up he wanted to be sure that I wasn't going to be chased away by unhappy dingbats w/comments (folks we know in common!). aw. now, honestly, who couldn't love this guy? he's the best! emoticon
So, I am giving myself a reward for speaking up when I needed to...it was so BRAVE! I feel like I can still be a close friend to him and get free of this enough in order to be available to other options! cool! emoticon
Thank you all for support...it wrapped up so sweetly!

Edited by: SHARONE104 at: 9/5/2008 (19:14)
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9/1/08 4:24 P

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hey SHARON, DUSTYROSE does make a great point about people seeking out opinions that only confirm what we want... it is hard to accept advice that is contrary to what we think we want... keep us posted.... blessings emoticon emoticon

Terri, Princess of the Terri-tory~~Sure is hard to be a princess around here. WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY *to be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. Allow myself to find happiness in the only place that it can be found: my real messy, imperfect experience Anon + Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You” Dr. Seuss+ SorryTHX,Forgive,Love+
SHARONE104 Posts: 90
9/1/08 7:45 A

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emoticon to you, Dustyrose!

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8/31/08 11:16 P

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Sharone104 sometimes we like to get other peoples opinions to confirm our own opinion. Good luck in what ever you decide to do. I wish you the best.

Edited by: DUSTYROSE1968 at: 8/31/2008 (23:15)
Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
8/30/08 7:23 P

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Thanks so much, dustyrose. You are right. I really did need to work through it. Guess I have.

This really is a surprising group of folks at SP! emoticon

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8/30/08 7:07 P

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SHARONE104 I think that you have already figured it out and seeing it in writing, you know that your are wright. Since you are afraid of Love you did turn to someone that was safe. This is normal. You should let him have his say. But you know in your heart what to do already. Your special somone is out there. Put it in Gods hands and be patient.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
8/29/08 5:40 A

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thanks much, blackcosmocat. I have thought about it a lot and I may say less rather than more when faced w/the conversation but it is time to air it. You all have been so wonderful. I have had a full week of hashing this over w/friends and online, it's really helped me put my thoughts together. So, by now I feel really calm about the whole darn thing. It will just have to play out as it does and I will survive it! It's really the darndest thing to be afraid to admit to feelings of love! what a nutty world this is! Take care and thanks so much everyone!

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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
8/28/08 8:55 P

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Just a thought -- maybe if you try writing out what you want to say to him in a letter, then you will get a better handle on what you want to say, or not say. I would even suggest that you could do this, and wait for a couple of days, then decide if you need to tell him about this, or could you simply need to get it out?
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
SHARONE104 Posts: 90
8/28/08 9:47 A

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Thank you, all, really very much! He is a very kindhearted guy so I am sure that I'm just headed for a big reality check delivered gently. I guess I'm getting through my fears by owning my feelings and just needed to vent everywhere and all the time! Now I feel more sure of myself and really fortunate that he's the one I have to go through this with. And, whatdya know, I am able to work through this w/o overeating! Take care all and thanks so much!

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8/28/08 7:51 A

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my heart goes out to you SHARONE104 and I applaud your courage to deal with the situation head-on and sharing it with us. I hope your talk goes well.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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8/27/08 11:51 P

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wow, SHARONE104, it seems that you have been introspective about the situation... thanks for sharing... I would have respected your privacy... but I understand that thinking and sharing helps with many situations.... it does seem to be a dilemma... LOVE comes unbidden...

it does seems sad that the first time that you reach out after realizing that it is Ok since losing your partner... that you love someone who is already married... my emoticon for you... and it does seem that you weren't looking for such a relationship... major major hurdle... keep in touch... blessings

Edited by: PRINCESSTTM at: 8/27/2008 (23:49)
Terri, Princess of the Terri-tory~~Sure is hard to be a princess around here. WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY *to be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. Allow myself to find happiness in the only place that it can be found: my real messy, imperfect experience Anon + Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You” Dr. Seuss+ SorryTHX,Forgive,Love+
SHARONE104 Posts: 90
8/27/08 8:35 P

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susanlynn and sparkling: thanks. I will let him have his say. He has been such a wonderful friend! Thanks again...venting helps get this in perspective!

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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
8/27/08 8:34 P

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good question, princess. from the first, sparks flew between us. But, I was still grieving my partner AND he is very independent in his marriage so until someone else mentioned he was married (2 mos after meeting!) I'd had no idea whether he was or not and with my intimacy issues I was in no rush to find out...I was just enjoying knowing him. It's only now that my son is doing so well (almost 16) that I begin to realize it is time and ok for me to look for a healthy relationship for myself (his dad died 3+ years ago). I guess having friends make comments about us has made me realize it's time to face the music. And, again, I will miss him if it comes down to that but the more I think about this the more I realize how exciting all of this can be now for me...telling him and accepting his comfort level. I DO love him. But, I also love me after all these years and I want to be happy, too. So, did I chose him because of his inaccessability? I don't know. Maybe. We both seemed so willing to be friends and enjoy the friendship that I guess I haven't considered that until now. Is that an okay answer?

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8/27/08 7:16 P

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and dearest SHARONE, I wonder if you feel so close to this friend because he IS married and was initially, possibly considered to be unavailable... and therefore 'safer' to love... please you need not post an answer here... only wondering...
AND best of luck...
blessings emoticon

Terri, Princess of the Terri-tory~~Sure is hard to be a princess around here. WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY *to be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. Allow myself to find happiness in the only place that it can be found: my real messy, imperfect experience Anon + Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You” Dr. Seuss+ SorryTHX,Forgive,Love+
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8/27/08 7:12 P

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greetings SHARONE104, OK, do I understand that the relationship is only a friendship... there is a Royal Consort in the castle and both of us have had times when/where we had true friendships with the opposite sex... and it ain't easy... and there have been times when I have had to walk away from a friendship... it hurts at the time... and it ain't easy... but I have great memories of these friends...

thanks so much for posting... and keep in touch... blessings emoticon emoticon

Terri, Princess of the Terri-tory~~Sure is hard to be a princess around here. WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY *to be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. Allow myself to find happiness in the only place that it can be found: my real messy, imperfect experience Anon + Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You” Dr. Seuss+ SorryTHX,Forgive,Love+
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8/27/08 7:06 P

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Have you talked to him and shared. You might be surprised with his feelings, and if it isn't right; I am glad you are strong enough to know. emoticon

Edited by: SPARKLINGHOPE at: 8/27/2008 (19:12)
Becki
(IN - Eastern Time Zone)
FITBIT ONE

Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.

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(1869 - 1948)


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8/27/08 7:02 P

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It sounds as though you have thought long and hard over this and have come to a reasonable conclusion. But let him have his say too, he sounds like a great friend. Best of luck.
Hugs
Susan

Value your friends because they are worth more than just about anything else!

"Everyday is a gift, thats why they call it the present."
www.goodquotes.com/


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SHARONE104 Posts: 90
8/27/08 6:55 P

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I think my parents loved babies but once we got to the age where we questioned them, they started using guilt and manipulation to get results.

I RAN from love for so long because it was so unfamiliar and scary to me. I have a friend who is married. Over the time I have known him he has been so kind and giving. We've been just platonic, never crossing any boundaries so I thought we were okay. But friends have started commenting on our closeness and I realize it's time to talk about it and admit that my feelings run deeper than friendship and possibly to have to let it go. emoticon

I AM afraid to have to say good bye to him. And yet, for the first time ever I feel strong enough to express how I feel and also accept that someone I love is invested somewhere else. emoticon
Of course it's going to make me cry. But I know that once I wrap this up, I won't feel the urge to EAT like I feel now!!! Plus I will have faced my fear AND, assuming the worst, this will free me up to find someone who is available, right?
Wish me luck. emoticon

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