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JJS4JJS's Photo JJS4JJS Posts: 28
9/2/08 8:01 P

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Thank you so much for your help and wisdom. We are going to have a family discussion tonight so I will keep you all posted. emoticon

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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
9/2/08 6:17 P

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JJ Believe it or not, i Actually forgot to say something!
Your husband needs to absolutely refuse to listen to his daughter diss you in any way. He must make it clear that if she is going to talk negatively about you, then the conversation is over.
She is going to try to divide and conquer, so the two of you need to show a united front. My DH refused to go to see them without me, which made it clear that I came first in his life now.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
9/2/08 6:07 P

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JJ I have SO walked in your shoes!
I met the love of my life in 2000, and we were married a few months later. He was a widower, and his two adult daughters who were married with their own families, threw complete hissy fits!
They started demanding "Mom's stuff," challenged us on parts of our future together that were absolutely none of their business, and said things to their dad, who by all accounts had been an amazing father, that I would never say to my own dad, who was a lot less loving.
Then my own kids decided that they weren't going to live with "a stranger" and left to live with their father. (They soon found out a lot more about what he was REALLY like!)
His kids actually didn't talk to us for about a year and withheld the grand-kids, so we missed the first year of the little one's life.
Believe it or not, this kind of behavior is not at all unusual among children whose parents have remarried. We were told that if we stuck to our guns, the kids would come around.
My kids were first, and they came to love and appreciate their step-father.
His kids took longer, and eight years later, we are mostly on good terms, although there is still some underlying tension, and my DH tells me it is not at all as close a relationship as it was before their mother died.
You can't let your children control your life, especially adult children.
While I am sure that his daughter is dealing with some feelings of abandonment because she thinks she is losing both parents, once she is more established in her own life, she will probably settle down.
From our experience, I would say to continue to show her love and acceptance and support, but stand firm on your plans. If she has to have a few temper tantrums, fine, but don't let it affect the way you both relate to her. Continued kindness and affection will wear her down eventually.
You do not have to feel guilty about this! She is the one being unreasonable and acting threatened, while you are merely trying to live your own lives. Would she let you tell her where to go and how to live? I didn't think so. Well, it goes both ways.
Enjoy your new found love! You know now how precious a commodity real love is, so be happy!
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
MARKETINGMOM Posts: 135
9/2/08 3:10 P

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I agree with everyone here. This has nothing to do with you. It's between her and her father, but mostly between her and herself. He is handling this correctly. He has to do what is right for him, regardless of what she wants. She's an adult and he no longer has to cater to her and it wouldn't be healthy for him if he did.

If there is time before the move, perhaps they should try a little counseling together to smooth the path. If not, make sure hubby keeps the lines of communication open and assure her of his love.

She's got a tough row to hoe. Think of her as a two year old who's been thrown for a loop. No insult to her intended, btw. But when little kids are thrown into unfamiliar, scary circumstances, they act out. She's scared, she feels pulled in two different directions and she's just coming into her own. She's acting out. The best thing anyone can do for her is assure her she is loved immensely, give her the choice, lots of support in whatever she chooses, keep the lines open and let her grow and mature. It's not easy, but it's what she needs.

For yourself and hubby, see a family counselor if you need to that specializes in blended families. It might not be a bad idea in general. It's hard to bring a big group like yours together and have everything run smoothly. So many different personalities and histories.

Sheri

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SPARKLINGHOPE's Photo SPARKLINGHOPE Posts: 14,711
9/2/08 3:05 P

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Maybe it has more to do with not having a parent close and it is scary since her mother isn't living???

It should be discussed gently between the daughter and the father. You are understandably upset but she doesn't have any other parent like your kids did. No matter the age we don't like change and not knowing what the future of a father/daughter relationship will be long distance.

Bless you for always being there for his children and your own. You deserve a big pat on the back. All your reasons make sense to an outsider but maybe not to the daughter/child, even if adult.

I hope I didn't offend anyone. I just wanted to share my perception of another possibility.


emoticon and best wishes.

Becki
(IN - Eastern Time Zone)
FITBIT ONE

Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.

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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/2/08 2:52 P

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Try this, mentally take yourself out of the picture. Say the man you married got a new job or a transfer to chicago ... how would the daughter have felt about that? (and how old is she? i'm assuming adult) ... kids move away from parents all the time. And the reverse is true, as well.

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
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WOWEETOO's Photo WOWEETOO SparkPoints: (0)
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9/2/08 2:50 P

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i couldn't have said it better and for him to have a job offer i'd say go for it and apparently he is more than happy to relocate because he loves you GO FOR IT!!!! hugs mary
\oh and keep posting we wanna know how good it is in your life!!

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JJS4JJS's Photo JJS4JJS Posts: 28
9/2/08 2:22 P

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Thank you so much for your advice! I have been having such a hard time with this! Have a wonderful day!

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AELFWEALD's Photo AELFWEALD Posts: 3,352
9/2/08 2:08 P

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I don't know if I'm the best one to be giving out advice, my own life is pretty messed up right now. But I'd say to listen to your husband. His daughter is an adult, she can choose to do what she wants, that is her right. Her dad is an adult too, and capable of making his own decisions. Don't let her drama interfere with your happiness. She is acting like a princess and being unreasonable. This Is Not Your Fault. After she has matured a bit more she should come to realize that dad's life does not and should not revolve around her.

Don't beat yourself up over this. This is not your fault and your husband would eventually have had to deal with this issue anyway, although under different circumstances. Step-daughter is trying to blame you for a change in her world that should be considered normal. Sorry to run on, hope this helps.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

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JJS4JJS's Photo JJS4JJS Posts: 28
9/2/08 1:55 P

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I have been dealing with a situation that has had me so sick and depressed. I was wondering if anyone can help. After spending 12 years as a single mom of three kids, I remarried in May of this year to a wonderful man. I was living in Chicago at the time and he was living in Pennsylvania. A few months before we married, I decided to move to Pennysylvania with my middle son (14) because I was involved in a serious car accident which put me out of work and in financial havoc. My husband has three children (26, 21 & 19). In 2003 my husband divorced his wife because she was financially irresponsible, was an alcoholic, abused perscription medication, had several affairs and moved in with another man. At the time of their divorce he was desperate to have custody of his children and offered her whatever material and monetary things he had in exchange for custody. She took it all, including his retirement. In 2004, she died while mixing pills and alcohol. I met him 2007 and he tells me he has never been happier. We married in 2008. I still have my two children in Chicago. My daughter is a Senior in high school and my 12 year old son is living with his dad. (My two older children have nothing to do with their father whom I divorced when I was 23.) Because my daughter did not want to leave her school during her senior year and because my son is living with his father and in school and sports, it was not in their best interests to move them right now. So, my husband and I decided that since his children are adults and mine are still relatively young and have more complicated situations, we would move to Chicago. His youngest son (19) decided he wanted to come with us and we were elated. His older son (26) wants to move out to Chicago after his internship in a few months. His daughter however, is furious and hurt. My kids and myself get along great with his children and they are like one big family when they are together. But now that my husband has actually gotten a job offer and we need to start thinking about selling the house, she is very angry. It isn't something we dropped on them recently. We have been talking about this for several months to encourage them to either come with us or decide what they are going to do. We, of course, want to make sure they all have arrangements and are not throwing them to the street. She refuses to think about coming out with us. I understand very much that this house represents a memory of her mother and that her mother is buried here and she has other friends and family here. But what are we to do? I don't know how to make this situation better. I feel that in coming into my husband's life, I have caused him many problems. He assures me that it isn't true, but I have it stuck in my head that I have. I am making myself sick over what I can do to make this better. Now, his daughter is saying things like "I'm not going to move to cater to her." and "She came into the picture and now Dad is doing everything to make her happy!" and "I'm not going out there-they are not my family!" I am so hurt because I have tried to treat them as my own and while it is difficult, I was hoping she would at least think about it, if for nothing else, for her father given everything he has done for them. Please help me...any advice would be great!

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