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DUSTYROSE1968's Photo DUSTYROSE1968 SparkPoints: (0)
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9/25/08 4:43 P

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Thank God that today they don't put up with what they did in the past.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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AELFWEALD's Photo AELFWEALD Posts: 3,352
9/24/08 7:06 A

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Regardless of the abusers gender, it is a crying shame that the victims put up with it as long as they do. At least it is less tolerated today than it has been in the past. Still, it's not enough, but I sure don't have all the answers.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Ted


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DUSTYROSE1968's Photo DUSTYROSE1968 SparkPoints: (0)
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9/24/08 1:54 A

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Ted you are correct there are definitely woman that are abusive but not nearly as many as men. Yes men that are being abused by woman sometimes won't come forward because it is either to degrading or embarrassing for them. It's a shame But it is true.

Edited by: DUSTYROSE1968 at: 9/24/2008 (01:52)
Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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SISTERDOE's Photo SISTERDOE SparkPoints: (91,154)
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9/23/08 7:13 P

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Just adding another major nod for "Boundaries". Changed my life as well and I've sent copies of it to several friends... and even my mom! *LOL*

Gentle hugs,
Dotti
emoticon

Dotti P
***********************
Smoke-Free one day at a time since 02/09/08
***********************
"Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over." ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald


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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
9/22/08 8:52 A

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Yes my sister needs to get away from that mess. The step daughter has been beat by this guy before. But my sister is the grandma to her step daughters kids and worries about them.
My sister is living overseas so she cannot help out her step daughter and family.
I grew up in a mess too, with stepdads who beat on my mom. I feel so bad for those poor kids. I hope family services have been pulled in on those people.

Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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AELFWEALD's Photo AELFWEALD Posts: 3,352
9/21/08 10:58 P

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There is hope that the kids will break the cycle. I was able to. (My mother was not a nice person when my dad wasn't around. Of course then she had him to terrorize.) Although I managed to find someone who I didn't dare turn my back on. At least she never vented on our son. I hope your sister is able to find her way out of that relationship, and soon. It does no one any good and as you pointed out, it's a dangerous place to be.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Ted


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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
9/21/08 8:12 P

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My sister called me today...her step daughter and husband got into a fight. He hit her in the mouth with a beer can (full) which resulted in 50 stiches in this girls mouth. The guy was arrested and later released. The wife forgave him.
There are kids involved. This is the way these little kids think a marriage should be. All this will be the "normal" for these kids and they will grow up and possibly have the same kinds of life...or maybe their daddy will kill their mommy next time.

What a way to grow up...


Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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AELFWEALD's Photo AELFWEALD Posts: 3,352
9/21/08 4:05 P

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No offense taken Dusty, I was merely trying to say that women of the same ilk, very rarely change also. After all, to the abuser (regardless of sex), it is never their fault. The other person is always asking for it, etc..... As for men being abused, yes they are out there and they don't seek public help as much. In fact, some don't even realize they are being abused until it gets excessive. But then, I'm sure that's true of women also.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Ted


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DUSTYROSE1968's Photo DUSTYROSE1968 SparkPoints: (0)
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9/21/08 8:28 A

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Ted I am not a man basher. I like men, I don't believe that all men are violent and or abusive but if they are they don't change. I am not talking about a men not picking up his socks from the floor or not remember Birthdays or helping around the house. That stuff they can change and usually do when they mature. Men that are violent or abusive don't change that is why they have safe houses so battered woman have a place to go. How many save houses do they have for men that you know about? Please Ted I am talking about a small percent of men. I am sure there are some woman that are abusive also but you don't really hear about woman beating up men. I am sorry if I have affined you in any way, I certainly didn't mean to.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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AELFWEALD's Photo AELFWEALD Posts: 3,352
9/19/08 12:55 P

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Diane, men aren't the only ones that resist change. heh, after all, for those of us here, how many have heard this all to often, "It's your problem, not mine."

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Ted


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DUSTYROSE1968's Photo DUSTYROSE1968 SparkPoints: (0)
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9/19/08 10:49 A

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Sounds like all sorts of advice is coming your way. Men hardly ever change. If he won't go to counseling then Love him as he is or leave him. I left mine and I have been happy ever since. Just make sure if you want to get married again that you don't fall in love with the same type person. I got a gem second time around. I am still counting my blessings. Good luck in what ever you decide to do.

Life is Short,
Don't waste it,
Improve it.
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ ) ? .?¸.•*¨) ?
? .•*´¨ )?? **Diane's* ??*¨)
Retired and Loving It .•*´¨?-:¦:-
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)? -:¦:- Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without
?~*-:¦:-*?~.•*´¨ )
?-:¦:- )? ¸.•*¨) ?¸.•*¨)?
Make time to read, you


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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
9/18/08 1:43 P

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I remember several years ago, a friend went to counseling. The counselor said about my friends husband, "I can eitther help you to live with him, or live without him"
She chose to learn to live with him. Several months later, with no changing on hubbies part, she went back to the counselor and said ,"OK teach me to live WITHOUT him"
Hubby left, and she went to school and got her teaching degree.


Never know how life will turn...

Good luck
Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/18/08 11:22 A

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Good for you, THINXINSIDE28. I remember with great fondness our visits to the library when i was little. i was so in love with books, i thought it was a magical place. and emoticon on seeking counselling for yourself. i can only help!
hugs
DEC

* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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PLATINUM755's Photo PLATINUM755 SparkPoints: (628,972)
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9/18/08 11:18 A

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Glad you are looking into counseling...you have to take of and be strong for yourself and your children... emoticon THINXINSIDE28!

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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THIN_INSIDE28 Posts: 95
9/18/08 10:55 A

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Once again thank you for the advice and support. As soon as our library opens in town I am going to check some books out about different things..I promised my girls I would take them to the library on saturday when it opens because they love to read...anyway i appreciate the support and I have been looking into counseling for myself because my husband refuses to go.

Mary

Determination: the secret ingredient to the recipe of life's success.


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
9/17/08 9:55 P

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I recommend the Boundaries book all the time because it changed my life and the whole way that I relate to people. Basically it is about what is and isn't healthy in all kinds of relationships. (It does have some Christian content, so if you trigger on those kinds of references keep that in mind. For most people the faith-based material is easy to work around.)
I stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 17 years because I had been taught by my church that divorce was not an option.
I did finally realize the toll of living in that environment was hurting my children and teaching them the wrong things about what a marriage should be. After the split my daughter told me that she had listened to me cry at night for seven years -- she was only 12 at the time -- and she was angry at me for not doing anything.
I was going back to school and got my ex and I into counseling four different times, but of course our daughter didn't understand that I WAS doing something about it.
My advice is to get counseling, for the two of you if he will go, and if he won't, go by yourself. You will need all the guidance and support that you can get to figure out where you go from here.
One way or another, you need things to change.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
9/17/08 6:46 P

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I am not in an abusive relationship...but I grew up in a home where my mom was abused by her second and third husbands.
Being a child of abusive parents is not easy. Listening to the arguments and even hitting one another....I remember laying in my bed at night and hearing the screams and swearing.
I would not wish that on any child.
I was lucky. I have a good man who takes care of me and we have been married for almost 32 years.
My sister has been married 6 times. All of her husbands except for the wonderful man she is married to now hit and verbally abused her.
I often wondered if we had grown up differently if she would have not gone through all that pain.

Good luck to you. We are here for you.

Laurie

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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CURVYGIRL1973's Photo CURVYGIRL1973 SparkPoints: (0)
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9/17/08 3:44 P

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It is so soul-destroying, to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. I have been, in the past, in an abusive relationship. There was no *physical* violence (plenty of verbal abuse and emotional guilt-trips) and because of this I made excuses to stay. I started to blame myself for my guy's behaviour...started to believe I was stupid, crazy, boring.

One day I realised that this wasn't normal. What had I become? His voice still makes me wince sometimes when I "hear" him in my mind...but he's out of the picture now and I am happier without him.

I wish you well, and hope your soul-searching brings you to the best solution, whatever that may be. In the meantime, don't let someone else's harsh words define you! You're worth so much more than that.

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AELFWEALD's Photo AELFWEALD Posts: 3,352
9/17/08 2:35 P

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I don't know if this will help. I just ran across it in a post this morning. It was brought up in a discussion about alcoholism, but sounded like it went beyond that. I plan on checking it out because of past abuse that I have suffered. Anyway, here is the link. Hope it helps.
www.celebraterecovery.com

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Ted


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THIN_INSIDE28 Posts: 95
9/17/08 1:32 P

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Thank you all for the wonderful support and advice. I did happen to check out the other spark teams and found a team about abuse that I joined as well. I know its not healthy and I am really doing some "soul searching" as it were within myself and evaluating whether it is worth staying...bet you all can guess that I have a lot of cons in my pros and cons list. I just wanted to say thanks again and you all are super!!!

Mary

Determination: the secret ingredient to the recipe of life's success.


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SQUIRTZIE's Photo SQUIRTZIE SparkPoints: (0)
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9/17/08 12:48 P

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I was married to my husband for 15 years and been divorced for over 20 years. He was very verbally abusive. Back then you didn't realize what it was. He was always demeaning me and telling me nobody wanted to be around me. I could not believe how happy I was when we split up even though I worked over 15 hours a day to support the 4 kids. He didn't pay child support either.
My youngest daughter was 5 years old when we split up. She wouldn't know her dad if she saw him because he is an over-the-road truck driver and was never home. After all these years I have been told that he had illegitimate kids that graduated with my oldest son--so he was cheating all the time.
My advice is to think long and hard about staying.
I see you have 2 daughters. If there is constant yelling and not respecting you this is not good for the kids. They will grow up thinking that is how a woman is supposed to be treated. Even if your kids are little they will remember all the yelling. My daughter is fine because my husband was hardly ever home and she doesn't really remember him that well.
If you really want to stay in the marriage tell him he has to get help. I know you probably think you love him but you need to think about what effect it is having on you and your kids.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do. It is a very hard decision to make.
emoticon Ramona



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DOWNEASTCAGUN's Photo DOWNEASTCAGUN Posts: 4,055
9/17/08 12:21 P

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dear THINXINSIDE28 - check out the thread on this forum about relationships.
i'm sure you'll find a lot there you can identify with and perhaps even find some answers. Who knows, you may have some answers for someone else!
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
sa
geboard_thread.asp?board=6887x953x17R>143182


* "Take care. Take comfort. Take courage. Take control. Take JOY wherever you find it." (DEC)*
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin


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SUSANLYNN50's Photo SUSANLYNN50 Posts: 4,548
9/17/08 11:51 A

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THINXINSIDE28,
I sent you mail. If you want to talk, okay? I am here for you.
Hugs
Susan

Value your friends because they are worth more than just about anything else!

"Everyday is a gift, thats why they call it the present."
www.goodquotes.com/


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PRINCESSTTM's Photo PRINCESSTTM SparkPoints: (0)
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9/17/08 11:46 A

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greetings and welcome... thanks for posting... I myself have not experienced such relationships... but others will appear with great advice.... I offer only feelings of OUCH for your experience... and I would say: GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP ... but that easy to say... but harder for you to do...

ANd please never worry... you are of no bother... we want to share our experiences... and we want you to know that you are worthy... and you are a blessing!!! emoticon emoticon

Terri, Princess of the Terri-tory~~Sure is hard to be a princess around here. WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY *to be enlightened is to be without anxiety over imperfection. Allow myself to find happiness in the only place that it can be found: my real messy, imperfect experience Anon + Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You” Dr. Seuss+ SorryTHX,Forgive,Love+
PLATINUM755's Photo PLATINUM755 SparkPoints: (628,972)
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9/17/08 11:29 A

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THINXINSIDE28, the book BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend has been recommended on other threads...I haven't read it yet so hopefully someone who has will chime in with more info about it...Other than that, you may want to see if couples counseling would help.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.

Don't be afraid to give your best at what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.

It is never too late to be what you might have been.


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THIN_INSIDE28 Posts: 95
9/17/08 10:58 A

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I was just wondering if any of you are in or have been in the past in any non healthy or abusive relationships. My husband is very emotionally and verbally abusive. Constant yelling and demeaning is the norm in the house. Just wondering if any of you have suggestions on how to deal or resources that you may know of or even websites that would be good to check out. I dont mean to bother any of you guys with this but you all seem wonderful and I dont really know where else to turn. Thank you all for your support and advice in advance!

Mary

Determination: the secret ingredient to the recipe of life's success.


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