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CD1817172 Posts: 2,453
7/6/10 3:04 P

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You need to read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend.

You need to accept that their anger has nothing to do with you - and that you don't have to put up with it.

You need to learn to tell them they can't treat you like that - that they need to deal with their own emotions and not take it out on you.

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7/4/10 9:26 P

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Keep posting,don't ever think you have to apolize

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CD7763033 Posts: 597
7/4/10 9:17 P

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All three of you make really good points. DWD I can relate to you because I was also exposed to lots of male abuse growing up as a child. I was never on the receiving end of anything besides anger and lots of liquor induced yelling, but I have witnessed a bit. I suppose that still stays with me to some degree.

Edited by: CD7763033 at: 7/4/2010 (21:18)
DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
7/4/10 9:03 P

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The reason I get depressed when othr people are angry is that I grew up in a household where there was anger and yelling a lot, and sometimes this was followed by abuse. Because my dad (and my brother at times) did most of the yelling, I am expecially sensitive to male anger.
When I see or hear an angry man, I have a fear response which usually turns into a depressed feeling.
A lot of anxiety problems can be triggered by things which remind us -- sometimes subconsciously -- of times in the past when we were threatened or abused.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
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MABODE007's Photo MABODE007 Posts: 263
7/4/10 2:06 P

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I agree with CarolJean and VXWALL1942 They made great points along with mine.

Their anger is not your fault and don't dare let it make you feel that way. You have the right to let your loved ones know this truth. Don't be afraid, because all it will do is make them aware. It won't fix this problem right then but the next time their temper hits the top and explodes they will see your expression or the way you react, making them Aware is the key here, then they see their problem and they have to change.

I am currently having this problem with my brother, in this matter we are not even speaking right now. I miss him so much but he is so negative all the time and shouts and yells at me and my daughter. And his problems are not our fault. He is having so much trouble with some things emotionally and also having a hard time dealing with it. It wasn't pretty when I made him aware of what he was doing to us. But in time it will get better.
Its best to do this now before its too far gone like my brother an I.

This is not your fault. I am praying this will lift soon and you will be given strength and courage. I know you have the strength to fight through this. You came here, and you found people who are willing to help, right?
I don't know you but I feel that this will pass. Just be patient and strong. I wish you luck. And love and prayers are on their way.
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7/4/10 12:58 P

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CarolJean expressed my sentiments exactly. I think it would be worthwhile to discuss this type of situation with your husband when things are calm. Its important not to let him feel attacked and that you use the 'I feel' instead of 'you make me feel' terms. Keep calm and it will perhaps give him food for thought the next time he's angry. Otherwise, just say 'I'm sorry you have to deal with....' and get out of his way until he has calmed down. He isn't blaming you...but can't cope with blaming himself. Good luck!

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CAROLJEAN64's Photo CAROLJEAN64 Posts: 13,411
7/4/10 12:43 P

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It took me a long time to realize when my husband expressed anger about a situation that had no relationship to me, that he was really angry or disappointed with himself and was incredibly uncomfortable with that feeling!

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RELLARALF's Photo RELLARALF Posts: 804
7/4/10 12:13 P

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emoticon Don't apologize for the post; it got us all thinking. What I have to comment about is the situation with your mother sounds incredibly like one I experienced yesterday (and usually everday) with her. I know how it is to feel inadequate. Again, keep posting and don't apologize!

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CD7763033 Posts: 597
7/4/10 12:08 P

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Thank you all for your comments and feedback. I think I made a mistake by being so vague in my posting. I will give you guys the details because although I do think there is something wrong w/ the way I think/deal with things I believe I generalized it to much.

So yesterday my husband bought this balinese dragon mirror at a estate sale. He is really excited about it and he wants to sell it. However it is chipped and he lost the piece of wood at fell off of it. Instead of just looking for it he gets sooooooo angry and starts yelling and walks around the house looking for the piece. Alas he doesn't find it. Naturally I try to help him find the piece as well but I couldn't. When he is this upset he yells at me as if it is my fault. It's very upsetting, thank goodness it doesn't happen all the time.

Now I did say people close to me so I will share another story about my mother. This also happened yesterday although I wasn't as upset about it. My mom is kind of a special person so I have adapted to her anger. Mom deals with chronic pain (she is disabled) and she doesn't leave the house often so she is kind of in her own little world.

So we arrive at her house for the BBQ and I ask her if she has any snacks or anything Jesse and I can nibble on before we eat. Dinner was only 3 hours away so we didn't need much, and we always snack when we get to her house. She responds by yelling at me "I don't have anything. Why didn't you guys eat before you came here you knew we weren't going to eat until 4" I respond by saying that it's no big deal and Jesse and I will be fine, we will go pick something up. Her response was in a sarcastic/demeaning tone, "Well, this is going to be a good day." Needless to say she was upset for hours after this and even avoided us until 3:30ish. We were all supposed to play the wii together and she decided she was going to power wash the back of the house. This type of behavior is typical for her. Generally it upsets me quite a bit because I am left feeling inadequate but I handled it well yesterday. But when my husband yells at me for something that is not my fault I have a hard time dealing with it. Hopefully this better explains my original post, sorry for the vagueness in previous posts.

MABODE007's Photo MABODE007 Posts: 263
7/4/10 9:51 A

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Oh wow, now this is a complicated one, but it has a fairly simple solution.
But here is my story, a long time ago I used to let everything get to me and I mean everything, even the news on the TV would make me depressed, angry, upset, etc. But going through the years after all that realizing I had a problem. This is something we have to deal with going on inside ourselves. Simply We allow this to happen to us, its not anyone else fault.
So when I got myself back into church and really got active with it, I asked this simple question to my pastor and church group I go to.
How do you deal when you feel others emotions? How can you not feel what they are going through even though its not your problem?
He told me that you cannot allow that to get on you, its a negative environment and you should not be there. He asked in return "Why did you just stand there and take it, why didn't you walk away?"

Its as simple as that, I allowed it to upset me. Its just that I didn't care enough about myself to just leave the room, or walk away from the co-worker who decided to vent out everything that is going wrong in their life. Or the temper tantrum child throwing a fit.
We all let it get to us, but its not going to hurt them if we walk away to get out of the situation, it hurts us and them just standing there taking it.
We have to let the others know that this is serious and it has to stop before it gets out of hand.

Tell your family member you don't like how they are getting upset, it makes you upset.
Tell your co-worker its going to be alright, its not the end of the world and walk away.
Tell your friend, I love ya but I cannot help you with this until you calm down.

My best friend did this, she took so much inside and held it inside herself, but 6 months later we thought we would never be friends again. She exploded in anger because of all the things she took to heart, I almost lost her at the most important time of my life.

These few actions can save not just relationships but lives as well.

Whatever you ask for in prayer,
believe that you have received it,
and it will be yours. (NIV)
Mark 11:24


I only take one day at a time, and not worry about the past. Right now is what is important.


One person said to me, "if you don't try, you have lost nothing, but if you do try, then you have gained confidence to do better"


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NANCYLEE46's Photo NANCYLEE46 SparkPoints: (0)
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7/4/10 9:36 A

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Good Morning Kittz,

I have to agree with RELLARALF. If a situation is bothering you enough to have you have depressive symptoms then there is more to it. A reminder that someone cannot make us depressed - it is how we choose to react to a situation.

This may be worth exploring in your group or in counseling.

Also maybe time to set some small goals on how to react without eating or sleeping.
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RELLARALF's Photo RELLARALF Posts: 804
7/4/10 9:15 A

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emoticon I have been taught that we sometimes take on other people's problems/moods to avoid what is going on with us. Something to think about.

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7/4/10 9:07 A

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I find that I can pick up on others distress or anxiety and it can trouble me, especially if they are floundering by not taking action to resolve it or if they have chosen accept it as a way of life. I edit those people and situations out of my life as much as possible. I'm ok with people needing comfort and help with the struggle. Negativity is another class that I avoid as much as possible.

However it is sometimes easier to deal with other peoples needs and feelings than our own. That is not necessarily a bad thing if the others are helping you but often that is not the case. emoticon

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BONNIEMILTON's Photo BONNIEMILTON Posts: 38
7/4/10 8:59 A

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I don't get depressed when others are angry, only when it forces a confrontation with me, that ends up where I get angry, which doesn't happen often. What does happen is when I truly feel within myself that I have gone through similar situations and it has to do with depression, I can actually feel their pain and what it is and how it affects their lifestyle, and emotions, and actions. I don't how many people on here have a faith in GOD, but I have the gift of Mercy, and then it comes out like that. I love myself now, and have learned some basic ways to adapt, and not take to heart, I let it go after I have talked to them, and that kind of thing. Now, when it comes to family, I can stay depressed for days, or myself. I know people may get upset about this, what I am going to say, but depression is really a very "selfish disease". Don't get me wrong, sometimes you are just stuck for years, but there are some good steps you can take for it to not be as cloudy, or dark, or detrimental to your health.

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GIVEUP30's Photo GIVEUP30 Posts: 28,115
7/4/10 4:58 A

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YES, I even cry when someone else hurts,,

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CD7763033 Posts: 597
7/4/10 3:55 A

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Ya I don't think I worded that right. I just get upset/depressed when other people are upset or angry, even when I am not involved with the situations. I generally feel this way when someone very close to me is upset/angry.

I have always had a problem w/ anger. When people get angry I often get upset. When people are sad I feel sad. But anger always makes me upset.

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7/4/10 3:44 A

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There are times that I empathize, but only in the case of a few life-altering, catastrophic events that other people experience. It's more the situation than the person who has the experience, as I often am not even acquainted with him or her.

Are you accurate in saying that you take on their emotions? Your husband was "upset," but you were "depressed" -- two different things. It's also interesting that you found what upset him to be minor, yet you felt depressed.

Might it be that you're responding to something in the other person's reaction to the stimulus rather than the stimulus itself?

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CD7763033 Posts: 597
7/4/10 2:22 A

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Do any of you have problems becoming depressed when others get angry,even when it has nothing to do with you? How do you cope with this. I have a tendency to feel everyone elses feelings to a degree that I do not feel is healthy. My husband got particularly upset over something which I believe was minor. (nothing to do w/ any person just a thing) But the problem is when he gets upset I get so depressed. Then I just want to eat and go to sleep... So frustrating.

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