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8/31/10 10:07 A

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howdee jodie!!!!

TODAY IS LIFE THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

there is no cause when there is no effect km

i can do that, but not on a tuesday
for that is my day of thrust in the opposite direction -
off the starboard bow
over the hurdles,
and down the shute.

last is just the slowest winner. c.hunter boyd

people often say that motivation doesn't last. well neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. zig ziglar

if i stitch fast enough do


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
8/30/10 7:07 P

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I would find it hard to improve on what you have been already told, but I would add one thing.
There is no point in you blaming yourself or in any one else doing so. You did the best you knew how to do, and that's all any of us can do. That you have raised other children to be responsible adults is plenty of evidence that you are a good mother.
I worked for many years with children and teens with behavioral problems. Raising a child with fetal alcohol syndrome is a totally different matter than raising children who weren't born addicted or with other medical/mental health issues. Those of us who have not walked in your shoes are not in a position to criticize.

By all means, it is time for tough love. He is an adult now and it is up to him to take care of himself and decide what kind of a life he is going to lead.
I do foresee the potential for a violent confrontation though, so be very careful for your safety. Don't hesitate to call the police if you see any sign that he is getting aggressive. It appears that he may be on a collision course with the powers-that-be anyway, so if that is the day, then so be it.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
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SYLPHINPROGRESS's Photo SYLPHINPROGRESS SparkPoints: (108,158)
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8/29/10 9:14 P

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I really don't know what to say, knowing now that you have told him to move out a number of times.

It's time to find out what the procedures are for an order of protection. Because you've had the police already, that may ease the process. Perhaps it is time to change the locks. I agree that your youngest needs to know what's going on; he's young, but not a baby and not unaware. He'll especially need you if the two of them have had a decent relationship.

The 19-year old, beside his problems, doesn't take you seriously because you haven't acted on your demands that he leave or anything else. You've got to mean what you say and act on it.

If you've given him love, support and good guidance during the years you've been part of each other's lives, you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.



LAURIE, NYC

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8/29/10 2:14 P

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THAT MESSAGE WAS ALL CAPS BECAUSE OF IT'S IMPORTANCE
emoticon

TODAY IS LIFE THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

there is no cause when there is no effect km

i can do that, but not on a tuesday
for that is my day of thrust in the opposite direction -
off the starboard bow
over the hurdles,
and down the shute.

last is just the slowest winner. c.hunter boyd

people often say that motivation doesn't last. well neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. zig ziglar

if i stitch fast enough do


 Pounds lost: 273.0 
0
69.5
139
208.5
278
WOWEETOO's Photo WOWEETOO SparkPoints: (0)
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8/29/10 2:13 P

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YES ...IT IS TIME..DO IT
MAKE SURE YOUR YOUNGEST KNOWS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN..HE ALREADY KNOWS WHY AS HE SEES THESE CONFRONTATIONS CONSTANTLY
JUST DO IT AND NEVER TURN BACK
EVEN IF HE BECOMES 'NICER' NEVER WAVER
YOU DID YOUR BEST
IT IS TIME
HUGS
THE LADY MARY

TODAY IS LIFE THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

there is no cause when there is no effect km

i can do that, but not on a tuesday
for that is my day of thrust in the opposite direction -
off the starboard bow
over the hurdles,
and down the shute.

last is just the slowest winner. c.hunter boyd

people often say that motivation doesn't last. well neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. zig ziglar

if i stitch fast enough do


 Pounds lost: 273.0 
0
69.5
139
208.5
278
SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (324,870)
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8/29/10 5:26 A

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I am sorry to say this, but sometimes an apple goes rotten on the tree before it is properly ripe. It isn't because the tree hasn't nurtured it, because if you look at most of the other apples, they turn out really good!

Get the point?

Now that your son IS over 18, AND given what you have been through previously, I would definitely be inclined to kick him out. Tell him that WHEN he has proven that he can communicate in an appropriate way, THEN you will review your decision. If you need to get the cops, so be it! Don't worry about embarrassment over what the neighbours will think! I am sure that they would whole-heartedly approve, BUT it isn't any of their business!

You CAN get a protection order and a trespass order! He is an adult so if he ignores them, then there is more chance of an appropriate outcome, legally, for you!

He has laughed in your face BECAUSE he has known that he can intimidate you and abuse you - and yes, he IS abusing you - he is abusing YOUR rights, YOUR emotions, YOUR finances and he has totally abused your hospitality! It really ISN'T too late - NOW is the time!

Kris

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SASMART's Photo SASMART Posts: 29
8/29/10 4:58 A

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I did tell him over 2 months ago that he would have to leave if he did not comply with my rules. I printed them out and handed them to him on a piece of paper. He threw them in the trash. I reminded him of the deadline on several occassions - he ignored me. He simply doesn't believe that I will kick him out. There is a huge difference between a 13 or 14 year old and a man of 19. Especially intimidating that I am 65 and he has threatened to break all the windows in my house and wreck my car. I did call the cops on him once for shoving me - and the next morning they cut him lose from jail because they didn't have a County Prosecuter that day - and could not hold him for arraignment. He laughed at me - and was even worse after that. Another time he spent 10- days in Juvenile detention for being caught driving a friend's car without insurance and he had drug paraphanalia with him - but he had gotten rid of the drugs, I guess. They let him go with a slap on the wrist and told him that next time they caught him he would be tried as an adult. Last year just before his 18th Birthday - he came home at 2:00 a.m. banging on my windows to let him into the house. I told him to leave - finally called the cops - they told me I had to let him in the house at any hour of the night - because he was under 18 and if I didn't let him in they would arrest me for child abuse. I was afraid of him - but the cops refused to come out unless he actually beat me up! Never in my life have I had to deal with the police at my house - it is humiliating to not be able to defend myself.

I have been praying most of the day as I go about my business - that he will just leave quietly. I am not looking forward to him outside my house screaming and breaking things. But, now at 19 - the cops will treat him like any other intruder if I call them.

The only reason I said I felt guilty is because I had hoped he would turn out like my other kids - and it seems I was not able to guide him in the right direction.

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SYLPHINPROGRESS's Photo SYLPHINPROGRESS SparkPoints: (108,158)
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8/28/10 4:57 P

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"...This time I am going to change the locks when he is not at home - and put his junk on the sidewalk. I have no legal obligation to have him living here..."

True, no legal obligation, but because you're asking for advice and are so unhappy, you may not have what it takes to change the locks. You seem to feel the moral obligation of a parent along with some guilt, maybe?

Rather than changing the locks, which I believe will hurt you further and could take some time to get past, let your son know that he now must get his own place to live. Give him first and last months' rent and he can find a one-room apartment. A one-month deadline should do it. The deadline should be firm so that he doesn't drag his heels. Forewarn him that if he doesn't meet the deadline, you will then move his things out and change the locks.

Be sure he knows exactly why you're taking these steps, all his behaviors and attitudes that are the factors, and that, because he is so unhappy in the family home, he'll be better off starting out on his own.

Until he leaves, I hope you won't be doing his laundry, cleaning his room, etc. If he runs out of clean clothes, he'll find the washer. When the bedroom gets beyond him, he'll straighten up.

I don't envy your position. It's clearly painful and difficult and, were I where you are, I wouldn't know what to do. Or, at least, I'd have the toughest time carrying it out.

Laurie

LAURIE, NYC

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GIVEUP30's Photo GIVEUP30 Posts: 28,115
8/28/10 1:47 P

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Will tell you what I know my relaives did the only things is they waited too long he was thirty...but they went and got paper to serve on him to get out in thirty days and believe me he was out and has never come back and is a super worker and making it on his own....he just figured why should I should I leave home I have mom cooking, washing etc for me and cleaning up after me well the day came when dad and mom put there minds together and did the only thing that could be done...

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OBOSAGE's Photo OBOSAGE SparkPoints: (27,508)
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8/28/10 12:56 P

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It's really partially your fault. You have let this go on. It's all about the tough love thing. I have a thirteen and fifteen year old. My son has ADD and can be a difficult. But I have learned to hold him accountable for the things he does or doesn't do. Yes my kids are a younger age then yours. But there isn't anything I have done or do. I have even called the cop on my son once just recently. It wasn't anything major. We were not killing each other or anything. My son was being difficult on going with me somewhere. He was refusing to go and calling me a couple name. I didn't get excited. I told him I was going to call the cops and was this his choice to act like this. The cop came and told my son "Get in the car". My son looked a little shocked. I think he was thinking the cop car. Anyways he got into my car and we left. I tell my kids on a daily basis about choices and never get riled by any action or non action of there's. I usually tell them the consequences and then follow through with it. For chores in my house hold I hold the keys or locks to all electronic things and they no if they don't do the things that are posted on the list they don't get anything. It's not even a question they know the consequences. And that is the way you have to live your life. Have tough love. They will appreciate it later in life. You are hurting them now by not holding themselves to any standards. You are going to have to think about this hard and stick to your guns about it. If you are wishy washy you will not achieve anything. They will know they can get away with this even if its only half of the time.


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SASMART's Photo SASMART Posts: 29
8/28/10 12:38 P

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Thank you all for your responses. I have new resolve not to "cave". Your remarks were very helpful. I don't feel so alone in making this decision. I am finding ways to suspend my guilty feelings for not being able to raise a better man. I know I did everything I could to set a responsible and good example: made him go to school no matter what else was going on - and tried to make sure he had adequate clothing and healthy food - and would never be ashamed of our house or our behavior. I tried hard to reward him for anything he did. This worked fine on my oldest son and daughter who grew up to be successful and responsible people.

With this boy H.S. turned out to be a nightmare for our family. He is black, the younger boy is Hispanic/Asian Pacific and I am white. It was never an issue until he met up with a bunch of gangster black boys in H.S. who convinced him that I was his enemy - a white person. He has gone down hill ever since. There was nothing I could do about this. I couldn't move from here - I own my home and owe more on it than it is worth now. I am trapped like so many others.

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JIM1MICHAEL2's Photo JIM1MICHAEL2 Posts: 3,142
8/28/10 12:14 P

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Welcome to the team. I hope with the suggestions you've received so far that your dilemma will soon be over. I'm so sorry for your situation and hope it is remedied soon. Good luck. margi.
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12/6/72 - 2/23/73

"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way . . .
- Exodus 25:30

The guardian angels of life sometimes fly so high as to be beyond our sight, but they are always looking down upon us.
- Jean Paul Richter
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CD2611073 Posts: 2,874
8/28/10 10:31 A

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The only thing I could add to what everyone else said is what I would do.
All and I mean ALL my children know they are living under my roof they live by my rules and I have told them all for them to live under my roof for free they MUST be in school. If they are working they are required to pay 1/7 of the household bills(because their are 7 of us living here)that includes food. They must pay their portion of the phone bill because we don't have a house phone anyone over the age of 14 has a cell phone. If he refuses then you have to kick him out.

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8/28/10 10:22 A

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he is using you because you allow him to(that's not to say you want to do that but that you have always) and he knows you won't do anything because in the back of his mind you have always allowed him to do what he wants and let it go.now the reason for that is he knows he can guilt trip people because he had a bad start in life and he is using it for sure..give him 48 hours to find someplace else to stay because it is no longer going to be in your hoome and at your expense (it certainly isn't his home because if it was he wouldn't be acting like that) and change your locks but that is an unneeded expense as he will wait around for the youngest to come home and come in with him..that's how it will work..you need also to sit down with the youngest and let him know what is happeniing and have him around when you confront the eldest so there is no doubt in his mind that this is it
he had his chance and over and over and now is the time..rules are made for the benefit of everyone and he chooses not to follow them and he is and adult..he needs to go out and live under a bridge if he thinks that will be better
and my friend it will take you and the youngest being strong day in and day out and saying NO..you have to do that for the youngest because he needs to know how important being a part of something with boundaries is
the lady mary

TODAY IS LIFE THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL

there is no cause when there is no effect km

i can do that, but not on a tuesday
for that is my day of thrust in the opposite direction -
off the starboard bow
over the hurdles,
and down the shute.

last is just the slowest winner. c.hunter boyd

people often say that motivation doesn't last. well neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily. zig ziglar

if i stitch fast enough do


 Pounds lost: 273.0 
0
69.5
139
208.5
278
CD1817172 Posts: 2,453
8/28/10 8:56 A

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Read the book "Boundaries" by Cloud & Townsend!

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8/28/10 2:14 A

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Hi - I understand your dilema, but now you really need to be really firm with yourself and not cave in to his behaviour.

Am I right in assuming that he has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? If so, then you could check out a support agency that deals with that sort of thing. Below is a link for you to look through the many sites and chose what is suitable for you: www.google.co.nz/search?sourceid=nav
cl
ient&aq=0&oq=fetal+alcohol+syndrome+R>agenc&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4ADBS_enNZ243NZ
24
3&q=fetal+alcohol+syndrome+agencies


Other than that, I would strongly suggest TOUGH LOVE! By that I mean STATE that if he wants to continue living in YOUR house he MUST contribute something toward the expense of living - i.e. food, power, gas, insurances, water etc. He MUST ALSO contribute to the care of the house - i.e. HE must take care of his bedroom, changing linen regularly etc., he MUST do his share of the dishes, laundry, vacuuming etc.

I told my children and my nephews who lived with me, Mothers aren't put on this earth to run around after their children all the time, and do ALL of the work! I stood my ground. If the dishes didn't get done, and there were none left to use, it made one h. of a job for them so that they could get a clean plate, or whatever - I just didn't cave in!

IF your son doesn't abide by YOUR rules, then tell him he has a week (or TWO at the most) to find somewhere else to live, and if nothing is achieved in that timeframe, he will find his belongings packed or in bags, and waiting at the locked front door!

Good luck.
Kris

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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SASMART's Photo SASMART Posts: 29
8/28/10 1:59 A

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I have two teenage sons - one 19 and the other is 16 1/2, The older one is unbearably lazy and parasiical. He refuses to contribute anything to this home. I am a 65 year old single woman supporting them as best I can - which is pretty decent. I work at home so I take care of the house and shopping/cooking, etc. The younger one does chores and is getting good grades. The older one just graduated from H.S. because I threatened him with eviction if he didn't graduate. He did it with straight D's. He always elects to do the minimum required in all areas of his life. He was a good younger boy - but since H.S. he has been into drugs, stealing, pornography, and disrespectfulness. He has a nasty attitude. I adopted him when he was 6 years old - he was a foster son without any other options - born pickled in alcohol. Together we worked to overcome his disabilities and he is perfectly able to work and function - just refuses to find a good job, do any chores around here, etc. He works part time and keeps all of his money for himself. I get so depressed because my life is miserable with him living here - he breaks things, makes horrible messes for me to clean up and snarls at me if I try to speak with him.I want to throw him out - I told him to leave before but he ignores me. This time I am going to change the locks when he is not at home - and put his junk on the sidewalk. I have no legal obligation to have him living here - and I want to stop feeling depressed all the time. I want my smile back! Does anyone have a better suggestion - I feel like I can't take another week of this "being his victim".

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