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9/26/16 11:06 P

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Good for you!!! AND there is NO TIME like RIGHT NOW!!! The sooner you get it dealt with the better it will be for you!

Kris xxx

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9/26/16 10:50 P

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I haven't discussed these issues with my Dr, but I am going to. I'm tired of feeling like crud... for lack of a better way to say it. Something has to happen.

~*~*~Kim~*~*~

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9/25/16 6:03 P

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I had 4 broken ribs and broken collar bone. I was told that they thought I had a ruptured aorta and spleen, too, but fortunately I didn't. I had a brain injury, which still affects me now. I didn't have to go to a nursing home (I laughed because I worked in one for a few years) but I did have home help to come daily week-days to shower me, dress me, prepare meals and vacuum and take me to some Dr's and Physiotherapist appointments. The weekends my husband did it for me.

I had to laugh about your going to school to be an EMT. I was a First Responder and Divisional Manager of our St John (don't know if you have them there but they are equivalent to the Medical Emergency of the Fire Department)

If you feel that your current Dr is inattentive, then perhaps you really need to look for another Dr to replace her totally. OR have a good talk with your Dr and tell her the impression you get on your consults with her. It might be enough to get her to change her ways a little, not only for you but for others, as well. Nothing like honest feedback given politely!!!

Have you actually TOLD her how you feel etc. about your own mental health? If not, please have a good talk to her. Make a double appointment if you think you need it, and don't be persuaded by a receptionist to say you only need one (only to be kicked out 1/2 way through YOUR consult with the Dr because 'sorry, time's up'!

Kris!

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 9/25/2016 (18:05)
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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9/25/16 9:02 A

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Thank you for your responses.

MILLER-S - My husband does know and he has encouraged me to talk to a therapist.

SLIMMERKIWI - I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that. I was, also, airlifted to the hospital. My car accident story is posted on my sparkpage blog, if you want the whole story of it, but essentially, I remember pulling off the side of a two lane country road so that I could make a U-turn, and then I remember waking up in an ambulance being told that my foot was broken and they were taking me to the helicopter. I went to school to be an EMT, so the only thing I could think was "They aren't going to air lift you for a broken foot. Something else is going on". Turns out, I had the broken foot, ribs, vertebra, and a pneumothorax. I was out of it and in ICU for nearly a week, and then was moved to a nursing home (it's strange being in a nursing home when you're in your twenties) for 2 weeks. Once I was there was when I really found out the extent of my injuries. I'd cracked one of my cervical vertebrae (including a few lumbar ones as well) and it was strange..... Instead of being miserable and wanting to quit.... somehow I felt lucky. I knew what would have happened had that vertebrae done more than just crack. I could have been paralyzed forever. I felt alive and grateful... which is something I've never ever felt before or since. That sense of gratitude for being alive invigorated me enough to get me through it, and I coasted on that energy for a couple of years.

Unfortunately, that's pretty much depleted now, and I can't figure out how to get it back.


--- As for a therapist, I'm not currently seeing one and I'm not on any medication. I called around to a few places and none would give me the time of day, since I wasn't referred. I didn't realize it worked that way. I don't care for my current Dr. - she seems inattentive and doesn't seem to care very much, so I've been considering finding a new primary, but I don't want to go to a new Dr just for a referral. So, I've been debating with myself if I want to just stick with her for now, get the referral and move on afterward. But it's also....... I have precious few hours of life that isn't at work and I don't want to sacrifice any sitting in a Dr's office. I know, it's a weak excuse.... but it feels quite powerful to me. I know I have to sacrifice the time, it's better for the long run.



~*~*~Kim~*~*~

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9/24/16 11:52 P

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Reading your story is a little bit like mine, including the car accident.

Are you receiving medical help for depression? If not, I strongly urge you to make an appointment with your Dr and explain what is going on. Even if you print off the post you made here, he/she will find it very helpful.

If you ARE on medications, then it is likely that they will review the prescription and possibly tweak it a bit.

Perhaps you could also ask your Dr to do a test to see if you have that cancer gene that SOME families have. There is a particular family in NZ who has a very strong cancer link to a particular type of cancer and they did international investigations into it, and as a result the other family members are being treated BEFORE they become affected and it seems to be having good results. (The same with Angelina Jolie and the Breast Cancer gene.)

If you aren't receiving Therapy, then it urge you to ask your Dr for a referral to a Therapist. Like you, I had a really bad car accident. Like you, I had many issues which make certain jobs totally unsuitable, even tho' without those issues they would have been right up my alley and good pay.

Prior to my car accident I took a very low paying part-time job (16-20hrs per week) because it helped to pay the bills. It was school-girl stuff. I had worked in an Accountants for 2 1/2 yrs, I worked in a big retail office, etc. I resorted to taking whatever I could get that was physically suitable for me in latter years. Now I am on an Invalid's benefit.

After my car accident which resulted in me being flown to Hospital by Helicopter because of the seriousness of the injuries, I suffered from severe Depression and PTSD. I didn't want to live any more. It was my extremely caring Dr who pulled me through. I saw him every few days until I was emotionally stable. It was the first time I had been on Antidepressants - I am still on them. BUT they are doing their job!! They have been tweaked over the years. At times I have been on a very low dose, but then when I am under a lot of stress, then they are increased a bit.

Financially, my late husband and I lived off the smell of an oily rag for many years. I have always had a spreadsheet for expenditure and this makes things so much easier to cope with. You obviously have a brain so it should be a doddle. My spreadsheet has columns for Groceries/Petrol/Power/Phone/Clothing/Medi
cal/Insurance/Waste Removal/Rates//Cafes/Personal, etc. etc. By doing that it is very easy to see where you can pare back.

When things were particularly bad I was in regular contact with the Utility Provider (watercare) at MY instigation. I explained what was happening and what I was doing. They were happy for me to pay what I could when I could because they could see that I was making a good attempt. In the end, when I was talking to the Credit Controller she told me that a new Trust had been set up whereby those in serious financial hardship could qualify to have up to $500 wiped off their account. She felt that I would fit their criteria. As a result I applied. We had to go to professional Budgeting Advisors. I took my spreadsheet as well as 3 months of my accounts to pay, with the dates and amounts paid. I showed her my credit card accounts which showed the expenditure was only for groceries, petrol and medical. The Bank Statements showed the only expenditure was Insurance, Power, Phone, etc. There was no incidental cash withdrawals or expenditure. Well, the application was accepted, and they wiped a full $500 off the account. The Credit Controller told me that I was the very first person to be approved for that new Trust. Had I NOT been proactive, we wouldn't have received that help.

Just some things to think about.
Kris



Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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MILLER-S's Photo MILLER-S Posts: 25,548
9/24/16 6:22 P

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I'm sorry for everything you've gone through and everything you're going through now. I only have two suggestions, both of which you've probably already thought of. The first is to discuss all this with your husband - I think he needs to know how unhappy you are. The second is to discuss all this with a therapist. Perhaps talking with a therapist first is the best option.

Since the place you work is one of the rare few that actually care about their employees (I've never worked for such a place), I assume you can get the time off to see a therapist and I also assume you have medical insurance. It would be worth a lot to be able to see someone who could help you figure all this out. Unless you and your husband are willing to downsize quite a bit - drive old cars and live in a cheaper neighborhood, I don't see what you can do. I hear the desperation in your words and I really hope you can find some answers soon.

I wish you all the very best and hope for better and brighter days for you.

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Miller

"Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life."

"Praise is like sunlight to the human spirit: we cannot flower and grow without it." ~unknown

"Let me not miss all that I am by punishing myself for what I am not." - unknown

"The rest of your life is being shaped right now by the dreams you have, the choices you make, & the person you decide to be."~unknown


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9/24/16 5:54 P

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I have been dealing with so much in the last 10 or years or so.... but in the last couple years, I feel like everything has just spiraled out of control. I thought I'd share what's going on in case anyone has any advice... and to just... not be invisible for a short time.

As I said, the things most affecting me now stem mostly from the last handful of years. Almost exactly 2 years ago I lost my best, and only, friend of 22 years (by lost, I mean simply that we are no longer friends - which is by itself a whole issue on it's own). This has left me lonely and devastated. It's as terrible as losing a husband, except that when it's your only friend, you don't have any friends left to do what friends do and help you get over it.

To add to this, a few months later I returned to the working world. I was in a bad car accident 5 years ago that left me in a wheelchair for nearly 6 months. I was unable to work. I didn't mind, because I've never been the kind of person that was career minded. I'm creator - a writer, a crafter, an artist of sorts. The corporate world wilts me. So, for almost 4 years I stayed home, recovered and began to learn how to be happy. I was extremely lonely, because though I had a wonderful man I lived with, and his two children, and my single friend.... I had very little interaction with said friend. I discovered Buddhism and that helped tremendously, but there's only so far that reading articles online can take you. And in my area, there isn't really an option for in-person meetings that fits my schedule.

Anyway, so I went back to work, because we bought a new car because our old one was unreliable. This meant a car payment and while we had been making it without me working... it had been tight. This new bill, stretched things just a bit too far. So I took the only thing I could get at the time - a seasonal position at Walmart in the men's department. This was kind of a tipping point for me - where I went from simply lonely and sad to truly depressed. As I said, I've never been career-driven... but there was something very humiliating about needing to work at Walmart. Not that it's an awful place or that people who work there should be judged... but for me it was regression. I'd worked there in my early twenties. To me Walmart is a starter job. Low skills for low pay. And here I was 30 and it felt like I was starting over again (and making less than a dollar more than I did 10 years earlier). On top of that, I was in excruciating pain. Standing for my entire shift nearly broke me... physically and mentally. I shattered my right ankle in the car accident I mentioned, and though I look normal and healed, every step involves some level of pain. Standing for 6 hours a day left me in so much pain that I'd go to the bathroom at work to cry. I'd cry on the drive home - because as much as standing on my feet hurt, suddenly NOT standing on them hurt just as much.

And for two months, there was no relief. My feet hurt constantly. I was so depressed, that I didn't want to go Thanksgiving or Christmas shopping... because I couldn't help but think about the workers that might be working and were just as miserable as I was, and I thought that if I didn't shop, that's one less customer they had to work for. Not exactly logical...but it was what it was.

Finally, I was able to get a job as a cashier/receptionist at car dealership and things seemed to look up. My job didn't make me miserable, and it was part time, so it didn't intrude on my life too much. Don't get me wrong, I was still very resentful about having to work. When my (then) fiance and I moved in together, we agreed that due to my physical issues, I would not work anymore. And the kids were little and someone needed to be at home with them after school. And I was.... pissed... that things hadn't lived up to this agreement. I know, life doesn't care about agreements, and it was something that we needed.... but resentment doesn't really care what's logical.

Then, I got a new boss at work. This guy was awful. I've had my fair share of crappy bosses, but this guy.... he was truly a piece of $h!t. I had been working 25 hours a week and with no warning, he decided that I would get two 8 hr shifts..... a month. He hired a new cashier, an elderly retired lady, who quit as soon as she found out that he was giving her my hours - so I got my hours back, but by this point I didn't trust him, so I started looking for other jobs.

My husband's best friend (and his fiance) both worked for a well known insurance company, in their call center. They happened to be hiring - and paying double the rate I was getting at the dealership. It was a full time 40hr/week job, in a call center, which I had vowed never to do again (both the hours, and working on the phones), but due to my boss' unpredicability, I felt like this was something I had to do. I felt cornered. I felt like I had no choice. I applied. And I got the job.

And since January of this year, that is what I've been doing. Me - the introvert, who suddenly has to pretend to be outgoing, eager, helpful, and someone who cares. Except that I don't. I don't care. I don't care if I get promoted. I don't care if I suck. I don't care if our team has the best stats. I don't care if I'm late to work. I spend my evenings at home counting down the minutes I have left before I go back to work and when I'm at work, I count down the minutes until I can go home. I've stopped wearing make up, or attempting to dress above and beyond. I do the bare minimum it takes to not get fired. Here I am, making more money than I have in my entire life, with an employer who was voted one of the best places to work in the US - an employer who actually cares about you.... and I can't fathom up one ounce of care in return.

Another thing I haven't mentioned so far, and perhaps a rather important piece of the story, is cancer. CANCER. There are few 6 letter words quite as heavy as this one. In May, my favorite aunt passed away. She had stage 4 melanoma. It didn't technically take her, but because of it, she wasn't able to safely have a surgery from another issue. The May before that, my favorite uncle was taken by bladder cancer. In 2007, my mom passed from brain cancer that progressed to brain cancer. Many years before that, her own sister was taken by brain cancer. My dad currently has been dealing with lymphoma since I was a child.

I understand the phrase "self-fulfilling prophecy", I get it... but I know that cancer is coming for me. I feel like it's a nasty little Jack-in-the-box... You know it's gonna pop up soon... you just don't know when.. and it always scares you when it finally does. Cancer is like that for me. It's coming. I don't know how. I don't know when. But I know.

And in knowing this.... it kills me every. single. time. I sit down in front of my computer and listen to people whine about why their business insurance policy should be reinstated because they went on vacation in bermuda and forgot to make a payment. It kills me when it's storming and all I want to do is sit outside and smell the rain and feel the electricity in the air, but instead I'm sitting under artificial lights that give me a headache. It kills me that my time to live is so precious and not guaranteed, and yet I have to give up 8 hours of living every single weekday.

I still go home and cry, most of the time when no one is looking, because it makes my husband worry about me. I cry, not out of pain.... but out of hopelessness. I can't keep living like this, but there is no alternative. We've had to get another car, so that we can BOTH get to work, and we've had to upgrade apartments because the kids are simply too old to share a room anymore. So, there is no way to go back to part time anymore. And there are precious little jobs in my area that will pay what this one does, without needing an advanced degree.

My husband is actively trying to get a promotion. The one he's aiming for will pay well enough for me to completely quit my job... but it will take years to get, as it's a multistep process. I just don't have that kind of time. I'm going to break before then.

I don't really know what to do at this point. I feel helpless and hopeless.




Edited by: BUTRFLY_FREEDOM at: 9/24/2016 (17:56)
~*~*~Kim~*~*~

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