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I just turned 50, and I have gained 90+ lbs. since college.
Over time, I had different philosophies:

20's: After an abusive childhood, I felt awful about a lot of things, including the fact that I felt addicted to sweets. In college, I was 5' 9" and got my lowest weight down to 124 lbs. with borderline eating disorders, which is never a good idea.

Although I was thin, I never felt 'good enough' because I thought aiming for perfection was a reasonable goal.
Hah! I scoff at such notions now (see below.)

30's: I used diet drugs to get to size 6 before my wedding, which hopefully didn't hurt my health. God blessed me with 3 children, and I was lucky to keep a decent figure while nursing. I gave birth to my last child later in life, at age 38 and slowly started gaining weight.

40's: Completely preoccupied with raising good kids. I didn't pay much attention to my body or health. I'm eating whatever is cheap and easy. I spend time in the morning trying to find something to wear that hides the fat and spend years hating my body.

Although I've tried to fake confidence at work, my self image has suffered for many, many years. Without a doubt, it has affected my marriage also. The kids are doing well overall, (thank God.)

50's: At the beginning of my 50's I weigh 217 lbs. I am noticing some serious challenges with my body that I must change. I am not wanting more doctor's visits in my future! I've had an unidentifiable autoimmune disorder, pain I've never had before, and low energy.

Also, at the end of the day, there is less of me to give my loved ones. I often say "no" to my kids when they want to do things because I don't feel well. I try to hide the fact that I feel poorly, that I am going down a slippery slope. But they see it. My dear husband is getting what's left of me, and that isn't much!

I can literally feel my health is changing so it's imperative to shift gears.

Over my life, I unrealistically expected perfection of myself. This created a ridiculous amount of stress for me. Eventually, it dawned on me that I didn't treat myself with love and respect because children learn what they live. And those years are over!

After I turned 50, I noticed something shocking. Here I am, 20 years into my marriage, our son is 18, and I am still talking to myself this way?! C'mon!

It was then I decided I have gone through enough already! I don't have to continue this broken recording in my head just because I've always done it! I can redefine how I live my life. Although I have always done this, it doesn't mean I can't change.

I am going back to Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Solution. I lost 22 lbs. with that book!

However, much more important to me than my physical body is the state of my soul. I am not my body. I am just temporarily renting it while I am on this planet. Lol

My new attitude involves first and foremost being kind to myself. Calling myself names only made me feel worse.

It wasn't helping me in any way whatsoever. I refuse to willingly accept this self-talk any more!

When I start calling myself names, now I address it. I talk back. "Oh, you again?! You broken record, just shut up!" Lol

Then I try to replace it with something good, something decent.

Being mean to myself, (for example, calling myself a 'fat pig' when trying to find something to wear) works against me. It just makes me feel worse, which means 'Call on the Hershey Bars!!!'

I am improving my situation, but striving for perfection can be counter-productive. No one is perfect.
(In fact, I refuse to hang around 'perfect' people, because they get the heck on my nerves!) Lol

Life is short. From here on out, I am writing a new script for myself.

My intent is to bring more love, joy, goodness and light into my life. And as much laughter as I can!

I have committed to treating myself as well as I would my very best friend.

With warmth, kindness, love and understanding.

I still have a lot of living yet to do.
It seems to me, I have a lot of story left to tell.

"It's all very well to have rules but if you've over indulged and haven't made exemplary choices, do not despair!
In moderation, these excesses can be weathered and will not sabotage your otherwise good choices."

Member Since: 1/29/2011

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