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Feeling all kinds of raw and nasty...

Friday, June 20, 2008

That is words from JBUTTARS on how it will feel while tearing down the walls in my life.

So, yeah, I am feeling that. I THINK if I could just break down and cry, it would get all these jittery emotions out of me and I would be ok. Gosh I feel so juvenile...

I know now that in order for me to go on I really do have to share this process I have gone through the past few days with the counselor when I go back. I am anxious to get it over with and I even called her a few minutes ago to just see if she could get online and read it and I would not have to wait until Monday. BUT, the internet is down there, sooo, I just cannot say it... I really thought about it and I just can't. So, anyway, I will just have to wait until Monday, and print out my blogs to take them. Once she reads it, and catches up to where I am, then I can talk about it.

I suppose that is really chicken of me, but I write better than I talk...

ANYWAY... I know you all are tired of hearing about this and I think I am CRAZY because my mind keeps replaying everything over and over...

Also, I keep thinking about it and another thing I think I have realized is this...

I THOUGHT that if we could not be friends once therapy sessions end, then that means I can no longer CARE about this person, But, how do you just QUIT caring about someone? How do they QUIT meaning anything to you?

I do not see how it can be done, at least as long as we are in therapy! MAYBE, once it is over and a few months, years go by, the feelings will go away or lesson in intensity?

However, in the meantime, as therapy continues, how am I supposed to feel, how am I supposed to act, how am I going to gain anything from the sessions from here on out without feeling uncomfortable, without making the therapist feel like she has to be careful not to "hurt my fragile feelings?"

This is all I can come up with - I care and those feelings of trust, care, etc.. are not going to go away, in fact, as therapy continues, they might even deepen. So the only thing I can do is "go with it" feel what I feel WITHOUT apology, YET knowing the relationship WILL end. Love and care without drawing back because of the hurt I will endure once it is all over.

So, yes, she is my family therapist, and I love and care about her. No, she is not my friend, she will never be my friend, but I know that I cannot just quit caring because of that. It is a different relationship, but a relationship just the same and relationships bring feelings, right?

I told ya'll I love deeply, maybe it is God in me or maybe it is just the way he made me. However, knowing this about myself also tells me that I will hurt deeply as well. It reminds me of Garth Brook's song, The Dance. I realize it is like a "love" song, but the meaning is much the same in many relationships.

I hope what I have said makes sense. I struggle with the right words today, because saying you "love" someone these days brings such negative connotations with it. However, it is the only fitting word i have in my vocabulary...

Anyway, here it is...

P.S. Just in case you were thinking of suggesting it - getting another counselor is out of the question. We have come too far to start all over again. My daughter finally trusts and opens up, so we need to stay where we are... Besides, I do not want to grow close to someone else and go through the "ending" of that relationship - still have an "ending" to go through with this one... I do not want two endings.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know this process can't be easy to deal with then having to wait till monday to be able to lay it all out there is even worse. I really pray that she doesn't hurt you any more than she already has. I pray for Gods healing because he's the only one who can. Another thing that keeps coming to me. I don't know if it's God or me but you need to work to forgive her for hurting you. Otherwise these feeling will stay and fester no matter what she ends up saying on Monday. Some of these feelings your having may lighten up once you come to the point of forgiveness for her and your self. I really hope this makes sense to you. If not its because I have to keep stopping, the kids keep coming in with all kinds of request. Really they just want me off the computer. Anyway if you need to talk just call me or stop by. I should be home all day. Love ya, Sis
    4751 days ago
    I think it is great that you are working through it. Believe me, it is not easy. I can say don't worry, but I know you will because I know me. I can say, she will totally understand. You will always have feelings and care, just because you can't be friends, the way you were thinking, you are friends in another way, a doctor/patient friend, and once it is over, you will still care and appreciate what you have learned. Writing isn't chicken, it is, a lot of times, the best way to communicate. It helps open us up.
    4751 days ago
    OK, that makes more sense to me. Guess it is a work in progress...
    4751 days ago
    I admire the fact that you are working through it. Sometimes our head works out things but our heart still hurts. That just means there are more lessons to be learned. Feel your feelings ,...all of the...even the uncomfortable ones....they are yours. I think you are doing great so please don't take my comments to mean you are not. That fact that you say you feel dead inside is an indication of shutting down emotionally and just using the head.

    There was a time in my life that when I was do I feel....I had no answer because I felt nothing. Four years of reading, talking with my church , and with a counselor taught me how to "feel" again.

    Hugs Sweetie. I am not very articulate when it comes to putting things on paper so I hope some of this makes sense.
    4751 days ago
    Shannon, I wish I could give you a hug in person. I'll keep praying for you.
    Joyce emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4752 days ago
    You know... I THOUGHT I was working through this pretty good. Maybe not?
    4752 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/20/2008 4:07:10 PM
    Other people cannot be responsible for our feelings of self-worth. This includes a spouse, children, siblings , parents and friends. Our self-worth HAS to come from our own souls and heart. You are doing a transferral onto her for this and many people do this. You found someone you can open up and talk too. Now, because she cannot "play by your rules", you are shutting down. Don't. She is a professional that can help you find you if you will let her.

    I am going to recommend an excellent author who has a set of different books out there. Her name is Melody Beattie and her books are about co-dependency issues.

    My favorite is called "The Language of Letting Go". It is not about letting go or ending relationships. It is about letting go of roadblocks or ideas that stop us from having the best possible relationships with ourselves and with others. You read one thought for each day of the year and it ends with a prayer asking God for guidence.

    Ask your therapist about these books . That is how I found out about them. You can find them at any bookstore under the self-help section or get them from the library.
    4752 days ago
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