Sanity IS Returning!!!!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
I started to title this Sanity is returning??? but decided to leave off the question marks and make it an exclamatory statement, because sanity IS returning!
Yesterday (Wednesday) afternoon, after regretting the blog I wrote the night before I got JBUTTARS comment saying,
"Sweetheart, what you are going through is the very normal process of re-discovering how to "feel". Just give yourself permission to experience it. Feel it, experience it, move on. Lather, rinse, repeat! :)"
and something just clicked inside of me and I broke. Yep I cried and not even a whole lot, BUT, I did cry. It was like her words just enveloped me in a warm embrace and said "it's ok." It was like a cool breeze on a hot day. That small cry relieved me so much!
I went to church and came home and had like a TON of comments on my blogs from URMYLF and she had gone back two weeks to my first blog titled (I fell in Love with my Therapist, no not really) and read from there, all the way to the current one (before this one) and made comments along the way. Something about her comments along the way, especially the last one, just made me feel like she was giving me permission to be who I am! I went to thank her and she replied back and here is part of her reply... "it really was cool how much you changed in two weeks!"
So, anyway, I went to bed last night feeling soo much better, I woke up this morning with a clear mind... I started to blog but wanted to make sure it was going to last, and hallelujah, it has lasted ALL DAY! I have washed dishes, folded laundry, done all kinds of different things today without feeling like I was only focusing on me. I have not felt sad, now not elatedly happy either, but just STABLE!!!
I realized that URMYLF is right, I HAVE changed, I have learned alot, probably more about myself than anyone. Another thing I remember doing yesterday is praying about my emotions and NOBODY can do you like Jesus! LOL, I told Him I was done with all this FEELING nonsense! He reminded me that I need to feel but it was time to feel better THIS time. I also began to think that perhaps it was an oppression thing since I was having a hard time identifying exactly WHY I was roller coasting as I saw no reason for it at this point. whether it was or not, I do not care, because I feel better.
I am not saying that the rest of you have not helped along the way and I believe that all of the comments have worked together to get me to where I am now, God just used JBUTTARS and URMYLF's comments from yesterday to aid me in getting stabilized emotionally right now. Hope that makes sense.
The prayers from all of you have been amazing, I have felt them and I do believe writing out my thoughts, realizations, etc... have helped me more than anything, besides God of course.
Anyway, it seems this "crises" or emotional issue in my life is over ... for now. I realize it may come up again - depending on how therapy goes, etc... and even if it DOESN'T come up again, I still have many more things to deal with. LOTS more walls to tear down and relationships to repair, etc...
Oh yeah, I watched Super Nanny with Bonnie yesterday at her house. At the end, the family had taken one of those tri-fold boards (for presentations, etc...) and had created a board of pictures, of the time they spent with Supernanny, and pictures of them, etc... and gave it to her as a reminder of them and the time they spent together. I thought that was such a neat idea!!! I may take that idea and adapt it to give to the counselor when our time with her is over. She probably would not want something that large (presentation board), but mom is pretty good at composites, and there is a poem I saw on someone's myspace that I would have on there... I think that would help me to have closure when the time comes.
I will have to start taking some pics and preparing for that time. MAYBE she will allow us to take pictures of her WITH us. If not, we can just give her pictures of us. I can ask permission without giving away my plans, I think.
Anyway, it feels good to be stable again, it really does. I do not look forward to the next "tear down", but I know God will get me through it and all my true spark friends will be there if I need them. I just know it! if I did not mention you by name or user name on this blog, it does not mean you do not mean the world to me, because you do, dear, dear Spark friends!