I am so disgusted with myself...
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
NO, not because I over ate or anything like that, but because I cannot CONTROL my emotions. I am supposed to control them, they are not supposed to control me.
I wrote my letter today that I talked about a couple days ago and actually felt somewhat better after that, relieved even. Then as my husband was asking why I had not done this or that during a specific time period, I told him it was because I wrote a 10 page letter. Of course he wanted to know who to and I was trying not to tell him but I did and then that is when everything got stupid.
He told me the crap I already know, like I am "obsessing" too much, there is something not right, well DUH!!! He was doing it as if he was trying to help me and be supportive, but it just ticked me off! He said that somebody from the outside looking in that does not know me that well would think I had the characteristics of a stalker, so yeah, that really PEEVED me! he also said he wondered if he should be jealous, something else dumb to say.
Then, the man who rarely goes to church, MAY be right in this respect, he said he thinks it could be oppression from satan. Well, I am thinking that is the first halfway smart thing you've said, but I did not tell him that!
I really do need to escape somewhere. The only problem is, I cannot escape from myself. Honestly, though, if I could get away from here without the phone, just need my journal, something to write with, my bible and a CD player to get alone with God, that is probably what I need more than anything else...
I have been trying to so hard to be vague in this blog this last week and not get too deep or personal, but what the hey, you all must already know I am a psycho, so why let anyone down, right?
My husband thinks this is not like me and it NORMALLY isn't, but there have been times in my life that I HAVE BEEN like this, of course he never knew because I never told him! Instead of dealing with it, I just went to the doctor to get a band-aid, my anti-depressant was not working as well or whatever...
I guess I feel like I need to learn to deal with it without changing my meds, with just learning to lean on God and I am trying sooo hard to do that!
My pastor has proclaimed a fast for our church during the month of July...not all 30 days, but however we feel God is leading us to. I am praying he shows me when and where and how to do it His way, where the only object of the fast is getting closer to Him and hearing Him. I do not care about the weight loss at this point, I just want to be able to recognize His voice and know when I am experiencing something I need to deal with or if it is an attack of the enemy. Do not worry, we have been well instructed in how to fast without it hurting our health or getting dehydrated.
Anyway, now that I have ranted again... I will go. I am still disgusted with myself.