1-99 SparkPoints 8

I am so disgusted with myself...

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

NO, not because I over ate or anything like that, but because I cannot CONTROL my emotions. I am supposed to control them, they are not supposed to control me.

I wrote my letter today that I talked about a couple days ago and actually felt somewhat better after that, relieved even. Then as my husband was asking why I had not done this or that during a specific time period, I told him it was because I wrote a 10 page letter. Of course he wanted to know who to and I was trying not to tell him but I did and then that is when everything got stupid.

He told me the crap I already know, like I am "obsessing" too much, there is something not right, well DUH!!! He was doing it as if he was trying to help me and be supportive, but it just ticked me off! He said that somebody from the outside looking in that does not know me that well would think I had the characteristics of a stalker, so yeah, that really PEEVED me! he also said he wondered if he should be jealous, something else dumb to say.

Then, the man who rarely goes to church, MAY be right in this respect, he said he thinks it could be oppression from satan. Well, I am thinking that is the first halfway smart thing you've said, but I did not tell him that!

I really do need to escape somewhere. The only problem is, I cannot escape from myself. Honestly, though, if I could get away from here without the phone, just need my journal, something to write with, my bible and a CD player to get alone with God, that is probably what I need more than anything else...

I have been trying to so hard to be vague in this blog this last week and not get too deep or personal, but what the hey, you all must already know I am a psycho, so why let anyone down, right?

My husband thinks this is not like me and it NORMALLY isn't, but there have been times in my life that I HAVE BEEN like this, of course he never knew because I never told him! Instead of dealing with it, I just went to the doctor to get a band-aid, my anti-depressant was not working as well or whatever...

I guess I feel like I need to learn to deal with it without changing my meds, with just learning to lean on God and I am trying sooo hard to do that!

My pastor has proclaimed a fast for our church during the month of July...not all 30 days, but however we feel God is leading us to. I am praying he shows me when and where and how to do it His way, where the only object of the fast is getting closer to Him and hearing Him. I do not care about the weight loss at this point, I just want to be able to recognize His voice and know when I am experiencing something I need to deal with or if it is an attack of the enemy. Do not worry, we have been well instructed in how to fast without it hurting our health or getting dehydrated.

Anyway, now that I have ranted again... I will go. I am still disgusted with myself.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    I think the comments made here are all wonderful!

    Knowing you from the team has shown me that you are a very caring and intelligent person. You are also VERY BUSY! I am glad you are having time off from school, it will give you an opportunity to concentrate on the other parts of your life which may be more important.

    I remember back in May when I was overwhelmed with all the challenges and changes going on in sparks, this very nice lady, Sanshe told me to take one step backwards and look at it all then do what you can! That was very sage advice from a young woman to an "old" lady! lol BEST NEWS - it worked. I got my priorities right and now I am able to take on those challenges as well as a few more!

    Also - men & women view life differently. my other thought is that sometimes loved ones sabotage us because they want us to stay the same and not change - and not even on purpose! I have that issue with my sister right now. She is unhappy but resigned because of taking care of my mother, I am losing weight , her husband wants to lose but she does not want to take on that challenge - I have a lot of theories why but that is not the point here. Whenever we are there, she always make cookies and desserts to feed everyone. Not anything she doesn't do all the time but she is unhappy if you don't eat with her. She doesn't even ask if you want any - just gives it to you!

    How can you say no! I try to figure this will happen and allow for it in my calories but, invariably I go over when there.

    My point - Re-evaluation is always a good thing to do, sharing the thoughts with others we need to be sure and pick the person who is going to help us be objective on our reflections and offer as much unbiased replies as possible. THIS IS THE REASON I LOVE SPARK! this happens here every day!

    HUGS dear Shannon and keep looking forward....

    4698 days ago
    Hi Shannon,
    Just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you. As far as obsessing goes, I'm not making a judgement on whether you are or aren't - but when I start obsessing, it's a sign I need more rest. It's also a sign I need more discipline in my life - now, that's just me - I'm not saying you aren't disciplined. But for me, it takes a strong mind and a firm voice in my head to get back on track. That and God's help, of course. I have a tendency to worry to the point of obsession, and it's something I've had to fight against. I also suffer from depression, and there are times when I feel that I simply can't overcome. But then I think of all the times I have overcome, and that helps.

    It also helps knowing that all the travails of this life will pass someday - and we'll look back on our life here (if we look back at all) as just an eye blink. So keep your eyes focused on God. (I'm talking to myself here!)
    Joyce emoticon
    4699 days ago
    You don't sound psycho to ME! It sounds like you are trying to sort through all of your emotions in an intelligent manner. ...don't hubbies just have such a wonderful way of "helping"?? emoticon
    There's not much more that I can say that hasn't already been said, Shan. I think it's awesome that you are working through these things and no matter how silly or redundant it feels, just KEEP GOING! Like Bonnie said, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel!
    I will say this though...
    Whether or not you are seriously disgusted with yourself, I don't know. But if that is the deepest feeling you have for yourself and find it surfacing often, maybe God's trying to bring THAT emotion to your attention. I know that when I am down on myself, and I finally recognise's like a wake up call. You've said that you need some TAWG, and I'm SURE that in that time, He will show you how amazing and beautiful you are to Him, and how to love Shannon again. You seem to have a way of putting the solutions right in there with your blogs...and the only missing ingredient is what you DO! it sounds like you are headed in the right direction to me. You KNOW where your focus is supposed to be. Do whatever it takes Shannon! You are are WAY stronger than you give yourself credit for!! It's that relationship that carries you through ~NO DOUBT!! In our weakness He is strong! He made it that way~take advantage of it! =)
    Fasting is ALWAYS a wonderful thing (in my experience) I have found, however, that I have to be VERY careful not to turn it into my own obsession or a control issue.
    Sendng you bunches of emoticon
    4699 days ago

    Shannon- I think the only thing I can say is reread your friends comment Jbuttars- she is very good!!

    what I think is -you are a beautiful -inteligent and most important a funny young woman. You are allowed to have emotions.. You are worth everything and the world is a better place with you in it.
    I have heard this before so I'll repeat it here for you- God doesn't give you what you can't handle..something like that. And going through turmoils makes you stronger,,,Words I know but you need to find the joy of life again and be young and enjoy the moments. Not yesterday or tomorrow but today
    I loved reading your blogs.. You need to journal for your eyes only and go back later -months and reread them you would be surprised what you learn. My heart is with you - and by the way a stranger is just someone you havem't chatted with yet!!LOL =You are so Mary---Jo emoticon
    4699 days ago
    If there is anything I can do please let me know. If you need to get away you can come here, I have a big yard and no one would bother you. You could spend time with God under my shade trees or what ever. It would be a place without everyday distractions. Sometimes I clear my head best when I'm outside and no one is around to bother me.

    A song just came to mind that I really kind of like. It's not a christian song, it's country, but it has a point. It says: If your going through hell keep on going, don't slow down, if your scared don't show it, cause you might get out before the devil even knows your there. I think i'm missing a verse in the chorus but you get the idea. What i'm trying to say is, it may not seem like your not getting anywhere with this but you keep fighting your way through this and your doing a wonderful job. Don't give up because there's always light at the end of a dark tunnel. I love you Sis! Have a peaceful rest! Goodnight.
    4699 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/3/2008 12:52:03 AM
  • 250STRONG
    Hmmmmmmmmmmm. So, I feel a ramble coming on. Bear with me.

    This is YOUR journey Shannon. You are right that in the past you have relied on meds or food or whatever to get you through emotional times. You are right to want to stop that behavior. When you first start "feeling" after years of numbing yourself it is OVERWHELMING. I think it is just that sensation like you get when you wrap a rubber band really tight around the end of your finger and your finger goes numb and then when you take the rubber band off the finger THROBS as the blood returns to it.

    Same thing with the emotions. But remember if you leave the rubberband around your finger it will DIE (a really nasty, gross, disgusting death, too). You are going through the throbbing part as all the wonderful, life-giving nutrients return to the deprived tissue.

    Here's another metaphor for you. Imagine when you younger that you hurt yourself somehow. At the time you put a bandaid on it and treated it but it never healed quite right. In order to fix it, you have to go back in and mess it up again, get it set properly and then heal. Sometimes it hurts worse to fix the old injury than to just live with it not functioning its best, but in the long run you get to end up pain free.

    As long as you continue to put one foot in front of the other and make progressively better choices you will get to a point where it is easier. But you are going to have to love on yourself while you walk this walk in order to make it worth it. To come out on the other side with all your ducks in a row and all your healing done but no real relationship with yourself would be really sad.

    You sound just like me 15 years ago - and on and off ever since lest you think that there is some sort of destination at which you get to stop working on cleaning up your mental crap. :)

    Have a good night - and how about you GO TO BED as long as I'm telling you what to do? And you know what else? DRINK A GLASS OF WATER first.

    Luv ya honey!
    4699 days ago
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