Transference... I am not crazy after all?
Thursday, July 03, 2008
I am functioning better today. A friend asked me if I have talked to my pastor about this and I said no. Why? I have felt too embarrassed. I KNOW it is crazy, how can I NOT be too embarrassed to share all this with people I have never met in person, but be too embarrassed to share something with a man that has me in his prayers everyday, someone that knows me well and loves me for sure? Fear of rejection? Fear of not understanding? I know him well enough to know that he would not reject me and even if he did not understand, he would point me to scripture and pray with me and for me.
Anyway I have kept busier today than normal. I cleaned the kitchen and mopped some. Hubby swept and mopped some himself. I know was being prayed for. I felt it.
I am hoping I can follow His leading and quit writing such DEEPLY personal things on this blog, especially when or if I can identify that I am either looking for pity or validation. I need to seek understanding and validation from my father above and I can satisfy my need for writing in my prayer journal or in a word document. I might not always succeed in this endeavor and at some point, God may release me to write on here deeply personal stuff again.
I believe HE guided me today, because I FINALLY googled "transference." It was mentioned a few weeks ago by different people and why I did not look it up before I do not know, guess I was too blinded by emotion.
Anyway, I did find it was a very common occurrence - I recognized several things that fit and it made me feel better to know that these crazy emotions are not REALLY about my counselor! Do you know how freeing that is? I really thought I was turning into a lunatic!
Now, that I know what it REALLY is, I can talk to the counselor about it much easier and not only that, I even have an inkling of what the deeper issue is and it has to do with my 1st stepfather. WOW! Mom, I bet you didn't know that was coming did you? The reason I think this, is because alot of the emotions I am having that I THOUGHT had to do with the counselor are very similar to the ones I have had towards him since he and my mom split up, that I keep trying to "forget" about.
Just in case you do not know, I will copy and paste a definition of transference and then you can google it for more information if you want...
TRANSFERENCE: The displacement of one's unresolved conflicts, dependencies, and aggressions onto a substitute object (e.g. substituting a lover, spouse, etc. for one's parent). This operation can also occur in the psychoanalytical cure, when a patient transfers onto the analyst feelings that were previously directed to another object. By working through this transference of feelings onto the analyst, the patient can come to grips with the actual cause of his or her feelings
This might sound like a bunch of hogwash and it may be, but God will let me know if it is and it sure makes alot of sense. I have done this before too and not even realized it until I read so much about it today. Oh yeah, some therapists almost create it, like a set-up to get to deeper issues. I do not know if MY counselor did or not, BUT, You can be sure I will ask on Monday! They might decide I am too screwed up for them to treat and send me elsewhere...
Anyway, just thought I would let you know....
Have a Happy 4th of July everyone and I am going to go finish making the chicken salad that John has requested, then clean the kitchen AGAIN!
I do not know why, but this just feels like a heavy weight has been lifted.
It is now 10:52pm and I wrote this at LEAST 2-3 hours ago! Guess what? It still feels like more and more weights have fallen off and I can breathe so much easier. This return to sanity feels so much different that the last blog I wrote titled "Sanity IS Returning". I did not realize it then, but while I felt better emotionally, I still deep down felt "weird" for feeling the way I felt and while I accepted the way things had to be, I did not like it and felt like I needed closure or like something was missing from the puzzle.
Now, I feel free! I mean if it is a past issue, ok I can deal with that, but when I was feeling all obsessive and had to work at keeping things off my mind and would feel better and then BAM, back down and I just could not figure out why I felt the way I did and I knew it was unhealthy and made no sense, etc... I just felt like I REALLY was losing my mind and if I was not careful they were going to put me in a psych ward somewhere! While there is no shame in going to a mental hospital if one needs to go...
Do not get me wrong, dealing with the past issues that I never really dealt with before, just ate and slept them away or swept under the rug will be hard emotionally, etc... at least THAT makes sense to me. What I was experiencing did not make sense at all! Now, to know that what I have been going through was really something else altogether... I do not know why that gives me such peace and comfort, but it does and I thank God for it!