SHANSHE
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"Quit Looking at your Size as a Limitation."

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I was not going to blog about this here, BUT now that I see some of it has to do with my "weight" issues, I thought perhaps... it might be helpful to someone else.

Well, Monday was counseling/therapy day. I can honestly say that understanding "transference" has been such a wonderful thing for me. it has brought such peace, knowing that what I THOUGHT I felt for my counselor was not real, but basically about other unresolved issues in my life. It is so strange how that happens, and it happens with other people in life, not JUST therapists and clients.

However, now it is dealing with the REAL issues. Last week we talked about how I want a friend I can tell anything too and I know some of you think what else could there be with all I put on here, but trust me there is more... The therapist mentioned last week that I SAY I want a friend, but then I make excuses as to why I cannot have that intimate close relationship. I told her what if there was something wrong with me that people did not want to be my friend? Of course she asked what and I told her that maybe I got too excited about someone being a friend and I smothered them and end up appearing too needy, or maybe I really am too needy.

So, during this last week that has been running through my mind. While analyzing myself, I realized that I always tend to think that my friends love me but they do not enjoy and WANT to be with me as much as I enjoy and WANT to be with them. When I told her that in session Monday, she was like, "Wow! you've been working!" I said, yeah, but it is not fun and it is uncomfortable, but I have to get through it all.

We continued to talk and she said, i just want to tell you one thing and she scooted out the edge of her chair leaned forward towards me, looked in my eyes and very seriously said, "Quit Looking at your Size as a Limitation." For a second, I was kind of speechless so she went on to say some of the stuff I had been saying about myself during therapy that I did not realize I said that much or that she was even picking up on, ya know? I think it shocked me because she was soo "right on" and I knew it to a point, but was kind of hem-hawing (do not know how to spell it) around and trying to avoid saying it.

Since she brought it up, I told her how on myspace I have some church friends and I was looking at some of their photos and it was of their family and 2-3 other families in the church all out camping or boating on the lake, etc... At first, I kind of felt a little jealous (yeah I admit it). wondered why everyone has their cliques and why they all hang out and I feel so out of place. But, then it was like God said to me, "Would you even go if they invited you?" I knew then, no, I wouldn't because i would be too self-conscious. This 300 something pound momma is NOT gonna go out on the lake with all these skinny people who look good in their bathing suits. besides it is embarrassing, because you have to 'equal' out the weight on each side of the boat and I would have to have 2 -3 people on the other side to equal out just MY weight alone! Besides, these people all have steady jobs with steady income and they all have boats, so duh.. why would they invite someone without a boat?

I want to go look for a job, but am so out of shape that I am worried that even if they DID hire me, I would have a real problem being able to PHYSICALLY stand up to the work. I worry about finding a job as a teacher being this fat when I finish school. I know I am here to lose, but so far have not done so very effectively, so sometimes I doubt that I will actually DO it!

I am also looking at the fact, that since I feel this way about my weight and about whether or not people really like me as much as I like them, then it is VERY possible that I am putting out negative vibes that make others uncomfortable or push them away.

Another realization in the relationship department... I have trouble receiving. I feel like I MUST give back something. I mean, I think that is why I struggled with the therapist /client relationship because I was doing all the taking, still am and it makes me uncomfortable because I want to give back somehow. In my relationship with my pastor's wife, I vent she vents some, but my main purpose in relationship with her is to minister to her, to lift her burdens and bless her, because she has a such a stressful and difficult job and many times people just EXPECT the pastor or his wife to do certain things and that is not right, they are human too.

This makes me wonder if this might be causing some of the problems I have in my relationship with Christ... I do not know how to fully receive from Him. I feel unworthy to receive such blessings if I am not DOING something to serve Him as much as I think I should. So, my pastor was preaching on religious spirits and one of those was basing your salvation on your works. While our service to Him is important... NONE of our service gets us to heaven... only the blood of calvary we can do NOTHING to earn salvation and yet I think I find myself trying to be worthy and deserving of God love and grace and mercy and yet, salvation grace and mercy is a GIFT, that I am supposed to ACCEPT (or receive), not EARN.

So, now that I KNOW all this, how am I going to fix it? What am I going to do about it? Well, honestly, I do not know that I can DO anything about any of it except pray and try to be as open as possible for the holy spirit to work in me and help me with these things and try to be obedient to the scripture and God's voice.

Inside or mood wise, I feel up sometimes and down sometimes, it is like waves almost. I feel uncomfortable and restless, nervous and anxious, disgusted and tired, vulnerable and restless, yet excited, soo many different emotions. I do not know WHY this is happening right now, or why I am going through the things I am going through, but I KNOW that God's hand is on me and I am trying to be led by Him. I am trying to let go and let God have control of it all and teach me how to work through issues while still being able to function. Some days I can function better than others and some days, sometimes SEVERAL in a row... I do not feel like I am functioning at all...

I feel sad sometimes, and yet, there is hope and a touch of joy and I keep on keeping on the best i can at that moment. God will bring me through on the other side and and I think he is "growing me". I hope that makes sense. I feel a sense of expectation as if there is something great ahead, but right now to get there, I am going to have to be willing to go through this. I also wonder if God is preparing me for disaster... I do not mean to sound negative, but we have to be strong in Him to survive disaster. I guess the main thing is to just take it one day at a time trusting Jesus.

I KNOW this is long... but I also know some of you were wondering why I was not blogging... I just had to let some dust settle on my thoughts and wait for that "release" to be able to blog, if that makes sense.

I will be posting a link below to a new artist I found that i just dearly love. The woman has an awesome voice and her music was the spiritual healing/therapy AND emotional therapy I needed today. I hope you enjoy her songs as well.

I love you all,
Shannon

www.myspace.com/jjheller
music
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • P_WOOD
    It sounds like you are on a quest for your own personal truth... That's a great place to be. I'm on the journey myself. And what helps me is to write down all my negative thoughts. All my feelings of undeservedness and unworthiness. Then, I find or memorize scriptures that state the opposite. It's much easier to see where your thinking is not based in God's truth this way, at least for me. It's almost like you have to reprogram your thinking to line up with what God says about you, if that makes any sense. To do that, you have to renew your mind by throwing out all that 'stinking thinking' whenever you catch yourself doing it. I'm still learning how to do it myself. Hope this helps you....
    4654 days ago
  • MAGIEDEN
    All I can say is "Wow!" You are so loved by so many on Spark People and are especially loved by our God. He fearfully and wonderfully made you and you can see that by your love for Him. Thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts and know that you are not alone.

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    Maggie
    4684 days ago
  • ATRAILHIKERJO54
    Shannon- I'm kinda crying right now... I want to reach out and hug you - Please look at your self look into your eyes - You are a beautiful woman---God made you - Not only physically beautiful but spiritually beautiful- You have a kind soul!- Now I want to shake you - You are so worth everything this life has to offer- but you must get out there and grab it- don't wait for it to come to you. God helps those who help themselves - my dear. You must say this over and over- I am beautiful I am woman- I am God's creation.
    On a footnote- If you did go with your church friends -they would accommodate you just as I would or any of us would because we love your company. I don't care what you think your size is I would make sure you were happy and comfortable and had a great time..Anyone that knows you would do the same- You are beautiful -do not forget this -ever- Jo emoticon
    4685 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/17/2008 4:16:43 PM
  • QUEENANNE1953
    "Quit Looking at your Size as a Limitation." pay attention to your own topic, Shannon. We all tend to do this .. and need to stop. If we take it one day at a time .. we will get there. Set small goals .. "baby steps" .. remember.

    You can do this. We all can.


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    4685 days ago
  • WVCHELL78
    Thank you for posting this. Every time I have read one of your blogs I learn something from you. I am bad about isolating myself from everyone except my internet friends. This blog makes perfect sense to me and has opened my eyes to things that I do myself. Again, thank you!
    4685 days ago
  • RAINBOWMF
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    Read this blog and sending you mail.
    Luv Mary
    4685 days ago
  • MEJIASLADY
    Hi Shannon...I must say I have to agree...you are your own worst critic. But i dont think you are along there...we tend to look at ourselves in the worse possible light and thats too bad. We would never treat a friend the way we treat ourselves yet we talk bad about ourselves, feel we are weak, fat, unlovable and unwanted for our weight...yet we dont feel that way about others...why is it so hard to believe that we are lovable? Shannon...you have been so kind and so wonderful to me since I have been here...even when I am making no changes and that understanding and encouragement means the world..here to me in my own lil world where I am the only chubby friend (well almost) and my thin friends have NO IDEA what I really feel like...I wish i could come through the computer and hug you! I can guarantee if we lived anywhere close to each other...we woud be friends....and even though we dont I still consider you my friend....i tell you more intimate details of my failures and feelings then I do people here in my life. You are such a wonderful, loving, God loving person...you need to really work at seeing yourself the way others do....because DAHLING...YOU ARE MAHVELOUS! God bless you my friend. Felicia
    4686 days ago
  • DIVALADY45
    Thank you so much for sharing. Your post has been an inspiration to me. emoticon
    4686 days ago
  • MRSWHITEWOLF
    You silly girl, I learn from your blogs and enjoy reading them. Stop focusing on your size, but more your beauty that you have inside. You silly girl, God created you. You can do it too! Sometimes, when we focus on our size, we make ourselves down and yeah, sometimes can't be helped...I know I do it. I been finding that by trying to look for the positive in my size, see small differences it helps. You are not so different from any of us. I, too, have a difficult time excepting and feel I should be the one always giving. I am working on it and have been for a long time. I am getting better. Do you ever get a compliment from someone, sparks or anyone, and you are so excited, but deep down, you wonder and you think they are just saying that to be nice....or that you don't deserve it because you should be working harder at it to be worthy...well I go through that...so don't ever feel alone. I am learning to me more accepting. I know it reflects (the positive energy), it reflects through to others, sparks, family, strangers. You are doing great!
    4686 days ago
  • 250STRONG
    Wow, you are so "me" 10 years ago! This is not to say that I am without issues, because Lord knows that I continue to discover "false thinking" in myself and strive to move past it. BUT, you also can get through this and come out on the other side by continuing to put one foot in front of the other.

    Everything you are describing is NORMAL. Other people have gone through it too and gone on to lead "normal" lives.

    Recently I have found this site (I threw the link down at the bottom) and it has been helpful to me. It will help you to uncover your "purpose". I will say, at the risk of sounding full of myself, that when I am living true to myself that a lot of the little things tend to take care of themselves. Self-awareness and understand are key to that.

    http://www.whatsmypurp
    ose.com/bonuschapters.pdf
    R>Oh yeah, I like that JJ Heller. Thanks for the link.
    4686 days ago
  • BEAUTIFULLYMADE
    Good morning Shannon,

    You make perfect sense. I learn a lot from your blogs, I'm taking the quote from your blog title and work on that. There are so many things and people that I avoid just because I worry about my weight. I know you have doubts but doubt isn't of God. Nothing is impossible with God. I understand too because sometimes I have doubts that I can do this and I beat myself up over my short comings, but those are the days that the enemy had done his job. He doesn't want us to know how strong we really are. We have to stomp on his head and tell him no! I am more than a conqueror! because God said so and his word is final. I know you already know this, it's just a little reminder. Its part of a word God gave me and I have to keep reminding myself. I love you Sis.
    Have a blessed day full of sunshine emoticon
    Smile emoticon and
    feel loved emoticon
    ~Bonnie
    4686 days ago
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