I was not going to blog about this here, BUT now that I see some of it has to do with my "weight" issues, I thought perhaps... it might be helpful to someone else.
Well, Monday was counseling/therapy day. I can honestly say that understanding "transference" has been such a wonderful thing for me. it has brought such peace, knowing that what I THOUGHT I felt for my counselor was not real, but basically about other unresolved issues in my life. It is so strange how that happens, and it happens with other people in life, not JUST therapists and clients.
However, now it is dealing with the REAL issues. Last week we talked about how I want a friend I can tell anything too and I know some of you think what else could there be with all I put on here, but trust me there is more... The therapist mentioned last week that I SAY I want a friend, but then I make excuses as to why I cannot have that intimate close relationship. I told her what if there was something wrong with me that people did not want to be my friend? Of course she asked what and I told her that maybe I got too excited about someone being a friend and I smothered them and end up appearing too needy, or maybe I really am too needy.
So, during this last week that has been running through my mind. While analyzing myself, I realized that I always tend to think that my friends love me but they do not enjoy and WANT to be with me as much as I enjoy and WANT to be with them. When I told her that in session Monday, she was like, "Wow! you've been working!" I said, yeah, but it is not fun and it is uncomfortable, but I have to get through it all.
We continued to talk and she said, i just want to tell you one thing and she scooted out the edge of her chair leaned forward towards me, looked in my eyes and very seriously said, "Quit Looking at your Size as a Limitation." For a second, I was kind of speechless so she went on to say some of the stuff I had been saying about myself during therapy that I did not realize I said that much or that she was even picking up on, ya know? I think it shocked me because she was soo "right on" and I knew it to a point, but was kind of hem-hawing (do not know how to spell it) around and trying to avoid saying it.
Since she brought it up, I told her how on myspace I have some church friends and I was looking at some of their photos and it was of their family and 2-3 other families in the church all out camping or boating on the lake, etc... At first, I kind of felt a little jealous (yeah I admit it). wondered why everyone has their cliques and why they all hang out and I feel so out of place. But, then it was like God said to me, "Would you even go if they invited you?" I knew then, no, I wouldn't because i would be too self-conscious. This 300 something pound momma is NOT gonna go out on the lake with all these skinny people who look good in their bathing suits. besides it is embarrassing, because you have to 'equal' out the weight on each side of the boat and I would have to have 2 -3 people on the other side to equal out just MY weight alone! Besides, these people all have steady jobs with steady income and they all have boats, so duh.. why would they invite someone without a boat?
I want to go look for a job, but am so out of shape that I am worried that even if they DID hire me, I would have a real problem being able to PHYSICALLY stand up to the work. I worry about finding a job as a teacher being this fat when I finish school. I know I am here to lose, but so far have not done so very effectively, so sometimes I doubt that I will actually DO it!
I am also looking at the fact, that since I feel this way about my weight and about whether or not people really like me as much as I like them, then it is VERY possible that I am putting out negative vibes that make others uncomfortable or push them away.
Another realization in the relationship department... I have trouble receiving. I feel like I MUST give back something. I mean, I think that is why I struggled with the therapist /client relationship because I was doing all the taking, still am and it makes me uncomfortable because I want to give back somehow. In my relationship with my pastor's wife, I vent she vents some, but my main purpose in relationship with her is to minister to her, to lift her burdens and bless her, because she has a such a stressful and difficult job and many times people just EXPECT the pastor or his wife to do certain things and that is not right, they are human too.
This makes me wonder if this might be causing some of the problems I have in my relationship with Christ... I do not know how to fully receive from Him. I feel unworthy to receive such blessings if I am not DOING something to serve Him as much as I think I should. So, my pastor was preaching on religious spirits and one of those was basing your salvation on your works. While our service to Him is important... NONE of our service gets us to heaven... only the blood of calvary we can do NOTHING to earn salvation and yet I think I find myself trying to be worthy and deserving of God love and grace and mercy and yet, salvation grace and mercy is a GIFT, that I am supposed to ACCEPT (or receive), not EARN.
So, now that I KNOW all this, how am I going to fix it? What am I going to do about it? Well, honestly, I do not know that I can DO anything about any of it except pray and try to be as open as possible for the holy spirit to work in me and help me with these things and try to be obedient to the scripture and God's voice.
Inside or mood wise, I feel up sometimes and down sometimes, it is like waves almost. I feel uncomfortable and restless, nervous and anxious, disgusted and tired, vulnerable and restless, yet excited, soo many different emotions. I do not know WHY this is happening right now, or why I am going through the things I am going through, but I KNOW that God's hand is on me and I am trying to be led by Him. I am trying to let go and let God have control of it all and teach me how to work through issues while still being able to function. Some days I can function better than others and some days, sometimes SEVERAL in a row... I do not feel like I am functioning at all...
I feel sad sometimes, and yet, there is hope and a touch of joy and I keep on keeping on the best i can at that moment. God will bring me through on the other side and and I think he is "growing me". I hope that makes sense. I feel a sense of expectation as if there is something great ahead, but right now to get there, I am going to have to be willing to go through this. I also wonder if God is preparing me for disaster... I do not mean to sound negative, but we have to be strong in Him to survive disaster. I guess the main thing is to just take it one day at a time trusting Jesus.
I KNOW this is long... but I also know some of you were wondering why I was not blogging... I just had to let some dust settle on my thoughts and wait for that "release" to be able to blog, if that makes sense.
I will be posting a link below to a new artist I found that i just dearly love. The woman has an awesome voice and her music was the spiritual healing/therapy AND emotional therapy I needed today. I hope you enjoy her songs as well.
I love you all,